Frustration - Wife sabotages herself - women listen up
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He already said that he was wrong to throw away her hair bands. Lets not overreact.
Yeah I don't get why this is a big deal.
Because it's controlling.0 -
well, i see that some young ladies totally missed your point and are making drama-inspired comments about you being 'controlling' or some such nonsense. i'm old enough to be your mother so i'm going to dispense with the drama.
i think you are a prize. because you think SHE is a treasure.
but she can't see herself through your eyes.
and this is a VERY common problem. you cannot change this, or help her understand, any time soon. it is going to take years. maybe a couple of decades.
i went through it too. after being married to an incredible man for more than 20 years, i read something and it clicked. i can't tell you what i read, or where i read it. but here's what happened:
when my husband told me i was beautiful, i decided to believe him, because I WANTED HIM TO BE RIGHT.
currently she wants the drama/attention more than she wants you to be right.
and i bet you keep having the same conversation over and over. that needs to change. if she wants drama, give her some, but not the same drama you've been giving her. when you give her a compliment, and she blows it off, you can tell her that it hurts you when she dismisses you and makes you feel like your opinion is unimportant. in other words, you need to talk like a female because you are dealing with a female.
if she needs more drama, wait until she gives you a compliment, and then disagree with her and tell her she is cruel for making fun of you.
if that approach is not your style, you could tell her that it makes you hopping mad to hear someone badmouth the woman you love.
also you might just listen to her rant and then ask her to say something positive about herself. one negative comment costs one positive comment.
in any case she needs to stop this crap before you have children or it will affect them.
sir, i have no patience with drama. it comes from having had two teenage daughters at the same time. (they are both grown now.) thanks for listening to me spout off!
but please don't stop giving her compliments. that would be a bad thing for all parties concerned. and perhaps you could say more things like, 'i love being with you', or, 'i love your generous heart', or something like that, rather than complimenting her appearance. that might help. or you could tweak it a little. change 'i think your hair is nice', to, 'your hair is beautiful, in my opinion.' and she can't argue, because it's an opinion. she can disagree, but not argue. what can she say? 'no, you don't think that?' if she does, see above paragraph about blowing you off. which, by the way, is incredibly disrespectful. how about, 'your hair feels so good when i run my fingers through it.' that's an attention grabber!
good luck and God bless. it's going to be a long road.
Looks like someone picked up their psych degree from the old Cracker Jack box.0 -
DING, DING, DING!!I also want to preface that I am in no way a master of the ways of women, and much of what I say is simply my opinion.
Sir, truer words have never been spoken.
Saying "I love you enough to care that you put an effort into looking good because it will make you feel better" is a wonderful turn of mental gymnastics, but it doesn't cover up the point that you want her to look a certain way. So rather than try to be the 'nice guy' offering wisdom for all of these wayward ladies, why don't you just fess up and say you're frustrated because she doesn't meet your expectations of beauty?
Aside from losing your perceived high ground, anyway.
We have a winner!!!0 -
I'm a woman who feels more comfortable with my hair pulled back, some jeans, and a t-shirt. If my husband ever threw my hairbands away, and told me that I needed to make myself more presentable, he would not be my husband. Shame on you. She's not your trophy.
Sorry, but after reading that part, I couldn't even make it to the end.
This! And as her husband you should also be telling her that you love her enough that no matter what she does or how she looks you will always love her and want her. If she wants to have a lazy day and and put her hair up and be comfortable that should be ok with you. Being DONE up all the time is exhausting. Are you trying to tell me that on weekends you dont take a break from the razor when you dont have to work?
Maybe if she felt wanted and accepted by you and loved unconditionally she would not have some self esteem issues
Granted we are all human and all a little shallow. But that is what love is. Looking past our shallow tendencies to the person beneath the appearance.
And to be honest you sound a little controlling. Maybe this is her silent way of crying out to have some kind of control over herself even if it is refusing to do her hair everyone once in a while
My husband used to quietly say sometimes when I would get up on my day off to go run an errand "Are you going to put on some make up?" As I am about to walk out the door. I finally told him in just as nice a voice that if he said that to me one more time he wouldn't like where I put my make up ;-)
He doesn't say that any more. My body, my choice on how I present myself. And I dont want to wear make up on my days off. Most of the time it is because I am sick and tired of putting it on every single day and want a day OFF!0 -
I also want to preface that I am in no way a master of the ways of women, and much of what I say is simply my opinion.
Sir, truer words have never been spoken.
Saying "I love you enough to care that you put an effort into looking good because it will make you feel better" is a wonderful turn of mental gymnastics, but it doesn't cover up the point that you want her to look a certain way. So rather than try to be the 'nice guy' offering wisdom for all of these wayward ladies, why don't you just fess up and say you're frustrated because she doesn't meet your expectations of beauty?
Aside from losing your perceived high ground, anyway.
You mean, you won't be tossing my rank robe and sweats anytime soon?0 -
I'm a woman who feels more comfortable with my hair pulled back, some jeans, and a t-shirt. If my husband ever threw my hairbands away, and told me that I needed to make myself more presentable, he would not be my husband. Shame on you. She's not your trophy.
Sorry, but after reading that part, I couldn't even make it to the end.
^^^What the above poster said.
...and another...^^^ control issues are not going to help you out any.0 -
Not necessarily. It's a pattern of behavior.
That's a shame.He already said that he was wrong to throw away her hair bands. Lets not overreact.
Yeah I don't get why this is a big deal.
Saying sorry after doing something like that usually means nothing.
Only if you're a liar. Not everyone is, and unless you know the OP personally, you can't make that call.
OP might actually be sorry once he cools down and realizes he was wrong to do that. It's no guarantee he won't do something similar next time he gets mad.
And if you get mad over your wife having her hair in a pony tail, well i'm gonna go out on a limb and say you are probably quite short-tempered.0 -
That's a shame.He already said that he was wrong to throw away her hair bands. Lets not overreact.
Yeah I don't get why this is a big deal.
Saying sorry after doing something like that usually means nothing.
Only if you're a liar. Not everyone is, and unless you know the OP personally, you can't make that call.
Do you know the OP? Cause I would error on side of caution rather than supporting a dude that sounds controlling and self centered.0 -
He already said that he was wrong to throw away her hair bands. Lets not overreact.
Yeah I don't get why this is a big deal.
Because it's controlling.
And since we know this couple personally, we know the wife certainly isn't manipulative and controling, lol. Not defending his actions, but he admitted he was wrong, and everyone getting their panties in a twist over something he said was wrong seems to be pointless.0 -
I also want to preface that I am in no way a master of the ways of women, and much of what I say is simply my opinion.
Sir, truer words have never been spoken.
Saying "I love you enough to care that you put an effort into looking good because it will make you feel better" is a wonderful turn of mental gymnastics, but it doesn't cover up the point that you want her to look a certain way. So rather than try to be the 'nice guy' offering wisdom for all of these wayward ladies, why don't you just fess up and say you're frustrated because she doesn't meet your expectations of beauty?
Aside from losing your perceived high ground, anyway.
You mean, you won't be tossing my rank robe and sweats anytime soon?
Well, only to the floor...0 -
He already said that he was wrong to throw away her hair bands. Lets not overreact.
Yeah I don't get why this is a big deal.
Because it's controlling.
And since we know this couple personally, we know the wife certainly isn't manipulative and controling, lol. Not defending his actions, but he admitted he was wrong, and everyone getting their panties in a twist over something he said was wrong seems to be pointless.
The point is, the OP unwittingly said things that relieved his motivation: his wife isn't fulfilling his fantasy and rather than blame his own expectations and behavior for contributing (if not causing) he blames her - and her alone. Um, yeah. That's all I need to know.0 -
My fiancé holds me when I feel like *kitten*. He thinks I am beautiful where I'm sweaty wearing a headband.. bloated wearing his underwear.. whether I feel gorgeous or like an ugly cow!
I didn't like your post sir. Sounds like there is some other issues going on with your wife. Maybe instead of telling her how pretty she is you should ask what is REALLY bothering her. I used to absolutely HATE, WITH A PASSION when my boyfriend *an ex* would take my hair bow away! He would take it so I'd have to wear it down. It pissed me off.. you are probably making her more uncomfortable.
That's probably one of the best ways to handle intimacy/insecurity issues! Definitely better than dismissing her feelings, undermining her wishes, and trying to control her behaviors. And as a bonus, intimate hugs release Oxytocin in the brain!
I honestly just don't believe the problem lies in how OP's wife views herself.0 -
I also want to preface that I am in no way a master of the ways of women, and much of what I say is simply my opinion.
Sir, truer words have never been spoken.
Saying "I love you enough to care that you put an effort into looking good because it will make you feel better" is a wonderful turn of mental gymnastics, but it doesn't cover up the point that you want her to look a certain way. So rather than try to be the 'nice guy' offering wisdom for all of these wayward ladies, why don't you just fess up and say you're frustrated because she doesn't meet your expectations of beauty?
Aside from losing your perceived high ground, anyway.
You mean, you won't be tossing my rank robe and sweats anytime soon?
Well, only to the floor...
Bish plz, it's not laundry day.0 -
I'm a woman who feels more comfortable with my hair pulled back, some jeans, and a t-shirt. If my husband ever threw my hairbands away, and told me that I needed to make myself more presentable, he would not be my husband. Shame on you. She's not your trophy.
Sorry, but after reading that part, I couldn't even make it to the end.
It is quite possible that one of us or both of us is missing the point. My point is that I really don't care what she looks like, as long as she cares about her self.
Pulling your hair back doesn't always mean you can't be bothered, if her hair is anything like mine it goes limp and awful after a couple of hours, so I don't leave it down that frequently.. I tie it back BECAUSE it looks better..0 -
Maybe just say LESS, and hug more. No matter what I look like in the morning, my husband gives me a great big smile, says "Hi Beautiful!" when I get up and hugs me and kisses me. He's not much of a verbal communicator, but he's great when it comes to touch. When we walk together every day, he always holds my hand, or my purse if it becomes too heavy for me.
I feel he WANTS to be with me all the time. I also "put on my face and the right clothes" when we go out in public. And I am in the process of losing weight - counting calories - but I know he loves me the way I am. We never go to sleep without hugging and kissing.
It feels so great to have a man who doesn't communicate in words a lot, but in facial expression (approval), but he and I are always reaching for each other's hand when we go anywhere together, because we love each other, not because either one of us expects it.
So, lighten up. Maybe ask her if you are good looking, slim enough, attractive to her? Turn the tables. Maybe she will get the point.
My husband has learned how to communicate with me in ways that effect me positively. When I get impatient with a slow clerk, on the phone or in person, my husband sweetly whispers to me, "I don't hear the smile in your voice." It works wonders because I truly believe in being kind to everyone. Learn what is meaningful to your wife.
I too questioned Andy during our first year of marriage when he always greeted me with "Mornin' Beautiful". His answer was, "You are beautiful to me." He meant it and I knew it.
Above all, be kind.0 -
He already said that he was wrong to throw away her hair bands. Lets not overreact.
Yeah I don't get why this is a big deal.
Because it's controlling.
And since we know this couple personally, we know the wife certainly isn't manipulative and controling, lol. Not defending his actions, but he admitted he was wrong, and everyone getting their panties in a twist over something he said was wrong seems to be pointless.
The point is, the OP unwittingly said things that relieved his motivation: his wife isn't fulfilling his fantasy and rather than blame his own expectations and behavior for contributing (if not causing) he blames her - and her alone. Um, yeah. That's all I need to know.
Well, that's one point of view, I suppose. I got the fact that she has major insecurity issues and he's getting burnt out from it. She doesn't sound like she's all sweat pants and hair ties. He wrote "I dont know if all women are like this, but for my wife, getting ready and looking presentable is important to her because that means she cares enough about herself to actually invest time in to herself." and "It has gotten to the point where I can't even give her a heart felt compliment anymore, like "oh you look really pretty" or "your really good at science" or "your hair looks so nice and shiny" because she thinks I am lying"
Personally, it doesn't sound like it's the OP who has issues, but I'm not going to judge, since I don't know her personally.
Anyway, I've said my piece. I think a lot of you are overreacting, but that's just me.0 -
My husband never tells me how to dress, although he laughs if I wear something ridiculous, which I do occasionally, just to make sure he's paying attention. I love dressing up, but I would hate to be expected to do it all the time, or have someone who thinks that something is wrong if I don't make an effort all the time.0
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Maybe just say LESS, and hug more. No matter what I look like in the morning, my husband gives me a great big smile, says "Hi Beautiful!" when I get up and hugs me and kisses me. He's not much of a verbal communicator, but he's great when it comes to touch. When we walk together every day, he always holds my hand, or my purse if it becomes too heavy for me.
I feel he WANTS to be with me all the time. I also "put on my face and the right clothes" when we go out in public. And I am in the process of losing weight - counting calories - but I know he loves me the way I am. We never go to sleep without hugging and kissing.
It feels so great to have a man who doesn't communicate in words a lot, but in facial expression (approval), but he and I are always reaching for each other's hand when we go anywhere together, because we love each other, not because either one of us expects it.
So, lighten up. Maybe ask her if you are good looking, slim enough, attractive to her? Turn the tables. Maybe she will get the point.
My husband has learned how to communicate with me in ways that effect me positively. When I get impatient with a slow clerk, on the phone or in person, my husband sweetly whispers to me, "I don't hear the smile in your voice." It works wonders because I truly believe in being kind to everyone. Learn what is meaningful to your wife.
I too questioned Andy during our first year of marriage when he always greeted me with "Mornin' Beautiful". His answer was, "You are beautiful to me." He meant it and I knew it.
Above all, be kind.
Win.0 -
She is so much more attractive when she acts like she is worth something, than almost anything else she can do...
... but for my wife, getting ready and looking presentable is important to her because that means she cares enough about herself to actually invest time in to herself...
...not because I dont like the up-do or baggy clothes, but because she is figuratively saying to herself "I am not pretty enough to get ready"
It has gotten to the point where I can't even give her a heart felt compliment anymore, like "oh you look really pretty" or "your really good at science" or "your hair looks so nice and shiny" because she thinks I am lying.
Having your wife being hung up some self image problem while your trying to be intimate is extremely annoying and frustrating, might I add even selfish on her part.
So how can this be fixed?
I think you are more selfish than your wife. You keep saying that you think this and that. Have you asked your wife how she feels or is everything based on your opinion of her behavior? Not getting dressed the way you would like her to is not her saying "i'm not pretty enough to get dressed". She's allowed down time, chill time, time to relax and not have to worry about getting dolled up? She might not feel like getting dressed everyday especially if she's not going anywhere. I would be more concerned if she wears sweats on a date with you, stops showering, and brushing her teeth. You sound like you want a trophy wife and you can't force your wife to be what you want. Its not fair to her. You are so focused on yourself that you can't see that your positive reinforcement is not working. You probably don't come off genuine. Your frustration with her is probably showing in your compliments. That does not mean don't compliment her at all, it just means find another way to show her you care and think she's beautiful.
I'm 24 and like your girlfriend. Currently unless my boyfriend and I are going on a date or if I have work I have my hair tied up and I'm in sweats. I was annoyed by my boyfriend "reassuring" me I'm beautiful. I felt like it wasn't genuine. He lost out in the bedroom sometimes because I was struggling with myself and no matter how supportive he tried to be all I saw was his frustration especially when it turned into an argument. I don't know if your wife feels like me but I felt like he would say anything he needed for intimacy including giving me compliments. If you want more intimacy with your wife the only advice I can give you is to try to romance her. Take her on a date. Candle lit dinner. Run her a bubble bath and feed her grapes. If you've never done it before treat her like a queen. Treat her like you care and not like you just want her to drop her panties. Foreplay. Foreplay. Foreplay. Ladies need to be warmed up. Our lady parts don't "get ready" as quickly as men. If nothing I said helps you just remember to talk to your wife and hear how she feels.0 -
So, lighten up. Maybe ask her if you are good looking, slim enough, attractive to her? Turn the tables. Maybe she will get the point.
That is actually a good point! One time, a long time ago, my husband did something along those lines. It really made me realize that everyone has things they could be critical of. And how much those things that he pointed out, are not things I ever thought about him. And I didn't want him to feel that way about himself. I realized that must be how he feels when I say things like that. And so I stopped thinking and saying those things.0 -
I understand you or only thinking about your wife from a man's point of view. Although you have her best interest at heart the best discovery is though gentle conversation and an understanding heart. Don't be judgemental just listen and she will tell you every thing you need to know, keep an open mind.0
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You are my hero for quoting Date Movie!!! Oh Jenny, you poor thing!!! LOL!!Ugh! Look at her glasses! And ponytail! And paint covered overalls! That is disgusting!
And those of you who love sweatpants need to be shipped to concentration camps to be reprogrammed. Stop being so selfish and think of my needs.
On point, I get what he is trying to say and it may be poorly phrased in some spots, but none of this seems twisted to me. He seems like a good hearted husband who just wants to see her confident and happy. I sent this to my fiancé and he completely understood what OP meant because most women (that I know, it is a generalization) do it! We brush off compliments with silly excuses or reasons because accepting them seems vain or something silly like that. For her, if there has been a significant change or some sort of depression swing, then he is ACTUALLY TAKING A NOTICE about her changes! How many times have you gotten a hair cut and had to wiggle your head in from of your man to notice anything? That or new clothes (lingerie goes without saying ^_^). But skip the possible "misogynistic" phrasing, if that's what you see, and notice the underlying caring husband who is seeing a change and gives a *kitten* and wants her happy!
Further clarification and rewording might be necessary for this post for some, but in a nut shell, that is what I see from that post. I studied a family health and relations class and this still doesn't sound controlling. It sounds like a typical man wrote it, in their wording and point of view. They are more blunt, are they not? This was pretty straight forward...
On a side note, it's a shame how people see a plea for women to be more confident and compliment accepting and sure of themselves as a degrading, controlling post.0 -
I'm a woman who feels more comfortable with my hair pulled back, some jeans, and a t-shirt. If my husband ever threw my hairbands away, and told me that I needed to make myself more presentable, he would not be my husband. Shame on you. She's not your trophy.
Sorry, but after reading that part, I couldn't even make it to the end.
Ditto. If my husband threw my hairbands away there isn't a sweet thing in this world he could say to keep from getting busted up.0 -
Dude... Dude.... Dude.... I'm going to be brutally honest here, even if it doesn't seem so, the following is meant to help you.
"arguments about her hair"... "Throw away her stuff"... "women listen up"..
You are exhibiting signs of controlling behavior, that is what is wrecking her confidence, and your cost is the problems in bed. I didin't read the 7 pages, only the original post, hopefully others said something along the same lines.
Do not define "appropriate appearance" for a woman, its like asking for a death sentence. Just appreciate her beauty, hoodie or evening gown.. should not matter. If it does, rethink your purpose in that marriage, 3 years is easier to correct a mistake than 13 or 23.0 -
bump0
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My goodness! I can't read all these posts! First of all, I have to ask, what is she "getting ready" for that, pulling her hair back, n throwing on some baggie pants isn't good enough for? I mean, is she wearing this to go out for dinner, or is she running to the grocery store? I usually stay in my pajama bottoms n a t-shirt throughout a good part of the day. My husband pays me more attention in that, than when I do dress up! Lol. Anyway, everybody doesn't have to shower, dress, put on makeup every day, unless they have to go to work. I'm a stay at home Mom, for the post part. I work on an "as needed" basis, so I don't work that much, n when I do, I work night shift, n my husband works late evening shift, so we usually don't stir around 'til late in the day, and if I don't have to go anywhere, I'm going to wear something comfortable, and I'm pretty happy with myself. Happier than I've ever been, 'cuz I'm the thinnest n healthiest I've ever been. That doesn't mean I have to get all dressed up every day, not just to sit in the house chasing kids around. Lol.0
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Dude... Dude.... Dude.... I'm going to be brutally honest here, even if it doesn't seem so, the following is meant to help you.
"arguments about her hair"... "Throw away her stuff"... "women listen up"..
You are exhibiting signs of controlling behavior, that is what is wrecking her confidence, and your cost is the problems in bed. I didin't read the 7 pages, only the original post, hopefully others said something along the same lines.
Do not define "appropriate appearance" for a woman, its like asking for a death sentence. Just appreciate her beauty, hoodie or evening gown.. should not matter. If it does, rethink your purpose in that marriage, 3 years is easier to correct a mistake than 13 or 23.
^^^ What he said....0 -
OP, instead of saying WTF and calling you cray, cray, I'm going to offer some advice. Ready. STOP IT!! Stop what you're doing cause it is full of wrong and then more wrong. It doesn't matter if she took 5hrs to get ready when you met her. How she looks shouldn't be why you married her. To say she's selfish for not wanting sex with you, I'm going to wtf you there. Can't help it. My husband can't wait to tear my clothes off, no matter what I'm wearing or how my hair is. He LOVES ME, not the image I put out. And I wouldn't want to get nekkid with someone who put me down even when they were dillusional in thinking they were praising me. Seriously! And for the love of everything holy, DO NOT TAKE A PHOTO AND TELL HER TO LOOK LIKE IT. NO. JUST NO. And yes, I'm yelling.0
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A lot of female posters are clearly pissed the hell off @ you...but I think I get what you mean. Your wife usually really cares how she looks, so it's clear to you when she gives up on her appearance & is having a "fat day". The issue isn't that she's wearing a pony tail, sweats, & a head band, the issue is that you know she's not doing it to be comphy but doing it because she's defeated. Maybe I'm wrong here....but that's how I'm interpreting it.
Honestly, nothing you can say or do is going to help her self-confidence. You seem to be doing everything you can to show her she's beautiful to you & yet she's still constantly worrying how she looks in bed. I have no solution to help her find self confidence, she's just gonna have to figure it out one way or another. A loving, supporting, genuine partner always helps tho.
Lastly, thanks for admitting throwing her headbands out was a bad move on your part. Sometimes a girl just needs to put her hair up. It also probably made her feel even more pressure to keep trying to look good.
Edited to say: After reading some more posts & realizing I have no clue what the dynamic in your relationship is....maybe you need to back off for a long time & continue to give sincere compliments & love & maybe she'll come around. Everybody takes constructive criticism differently, & maybe to her you really are coming across as wanting to control how she looks. Who knows. It could go either way.0
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