Frustration - Wife sabotages herself - women listen up

I'm a woman who feels more comfortable with my hair pulled back, some jeans, and a t-shirt. If my husband ever threw my hairbands away, and told me that I needed to make myself more presentable, he would not be my husband. Shame on you. She's not your trophy.

Sorry, but after reading that part, I couldn't even make it to the end.

It is quite possible that one of us or both of us is missing the point. My point is that I really don't care what she looks like, as long as she cares about her self.

What I think you are getting at is that I want her to look a certain way, therefore I throw away her headbands etc.

You may be misinterpreting her motives for dressing down. You may interpret it as "she doesn't care about herself enough to dress up pretty, how sad, she must feel really bad about herself, I wish she was more confident" - but that might not actually be what's going on in these situations, she may just want to relax and have a break from trying to look good for the world. Even if she lacks self confidence and does not see herself as beautiful in other situations, does not mean that her motives in this situation are from that. I really don't know any woman who is high maintenance 100% of the time, i.e. even high maintenance women are low maintenance at home alone, or at home with their partners when they feel comfortable enough in the relationship to be like that. Personally, I'd take dressing down in front of you as a sign she's comfortable enough with you and your relationship that she feels she does not have to be 100% perfect around you - and that's a very healthy thing. If she was always feeling pressure to look and be perfect around you then she can never relax, and that's likely to cause relationship problems.

Throwing her hair bands away does come across as control-freaky... and your motives may simply be to make her feel more self confident... but I don't know any woman who'd take something like that in that way, more likely she'll take it as "I'm not good enough for him unless I hide all my faults" and "I can't relax with my own husband" and "he doesn't accept me the way that I am" - in other words, stuff like this might actually be making the problem worse and making her feel more insecure.

My advice: let her be herself around you. Tell her she's beautiful first thing in the morning when her hair is a total mess and she's not wearing any make-up and just wearing old pajamas or whatever... human psychology is weird, you might think that will make her not make an effort, but actually it'll more likely boost her confidence and want to make an effort. (it might not work the first time, depending on how bad her confidence problem is - if it's very deep seated (which isn't your fault it existed long before she knew you ) it will take a lot longer. And with her not believing you re compliments, sounds like that comes from a confidence problem that existed before your relationship - keep on giving her compliments, let her be herself (including dressing down in situations where other people dress down) and her confidence will start to pick up.

I want to say thank you. I read the whole thing and it has helped me understand some of my husband's previous frustrations. Because of my weight loss my countenance has been glowing. I have been cheerful and energetic and this has very much affected my husband. I am not only glad to see him when he gets home but he can See that I am glad to see him. He has had something to do with this, though I don't think he knows it. He started calling me Skinny somewhere along the line and then he also started calling me Sexy. These names have been a big boost to me. I do care about how my husband feels about me and it has made a big difference knowing that he is pleased with me. Hope this is helpful info for you.

We can all give our opinions but the main point still remains, we just don't know what is going on inside her and inside your marriage. You need to talk to her and tell her how it affects you. Does SHE feel that she has a problem or is it only YOU who thinks she has a problem? If she does not then I don't really see there can be any solution at this point. If she has, does she trust you enough to work on it together? And so many more questions which only she can answer for you.

Tell you what. First of all I think it is so wrong to base your self-confidence on someone else's opinion of you but I am guilty in that I won't deny it. Over the years I have been trying to learn the art of listening only yourself and no one else in that matter, perhaps one day I can do it..

In my first marriage my husband was super jealous and I won't go into too much detail, we are divorced now but I must say, during the whole marriage I always felt beautiful and sexy in his eyes and in my own. It was just the way he acted, the way he looked at me in addition to his words i guess.
I am married to a wonderful man now and despite him saying words to me I will probably (unfortunately) never trust him completely because of what he did quite at the beginning of our marriage. It is not important what happened but my point is that there might be something you've done and she can't get over it. You won't get the answers from here unfortunately, you need to talk to her if it bothers you.

Good luck!

I'm a woman who feels more comfortable with my hair pulled back, some jeans, and a t-shirt. If my husband ever threw my hairbands away, and told me that I needed to make myself more presentable, he would not be my husband. Shame on you. She's not your trophy.

Sorry, but after reading that part, I couldn't even make it to the end.

I agree with ^^^^^^^^^^^talk about giving a woman a complex!!!!!!!!!!! Not only would you not be my husband you would also be seriously damaged!!!!!

Women are usually very perceptive about things that are left unsaid. when you say the following:

"It has gotten to the point where I can't even give her a heart felt compliment anymore, like "oh you look really pretty" or "your really good at science" or "your hair looks so nice and shiny" because she thinks I am lying. "

It's quite possible that she already knows that you rather see her all dressed up immaculately 24 * 7. That's unfair! sometimes the best part of being in a committed relationship is that you can let go of your self sometimes and know that your partner still loves you and loves you for more than just the way you look.

Here's a tip that I hope works for you: Make her feel like a mission bucks. Compliment her on things/features/personality and do not keep all the focus on how pretty she looks on a particular day. When a woman feels like a million bucks, she starts looking that way whether that's in mini-skirt or baggy jeans. Be gentle with her.

First I would like to say, you are awesome! Many men couldn't care less about what their wives wear or if they are confident. Next, I think just continuing to compliment her. Over and over if you must. I believe there could be a mild depression going on, and that happens a lot in the winter months. Just continue to show her how much you love her and care for her and it should all pan out when summer suns come.

Very informative.
I think I've finally found why the term "douchecanoe" was coined.

Made me snort at work! :drinker: Taking this and using it as my own. Many thanks

You know, when I first started reading this I thought you were my husband. I seriously thought "maybe he made an account because he knows i'm on here and posted to ask for advice....maybe hope i saw it?" Only thing different is he is 25 and i'm 23. EVERYTHING else you wrote is exactly the same! Married 3 years, self conscious, sex life, WEIRD!

I feel bad for you. I feel bad for my guy. It is a tough thing to deal with, I know. I don't know how to fix it!

I would strongly advice you and the OP to attend couples therapy with an experienced clinical therapist. (Please make sure they have a long experience), and do it now in the early stages when it is easier to fix it. Many of our problems derive from childhood experience and our spouses think they can fix it, help us overcome them. Frequently they fail, the relationship deteriorate, and people are surprised how 2 individuals who were so in love ended like that. Even the mid life crisis that affects particularly men, it is more severe on the individuals with screwed up childhood (which can be anything, even emotional abuse by the mother) who never learnt how to deal with it.

I like what you said, I agree that I probably take on the fixer role more than I should. I have got plenty of my own problems to be trying to fix hers all the time lol.

Stuff like what you are saying above (including for her being selfish feeling a certain way about her body when you just want to have sex), shows that you don't respect her feelings, and respect her as capable to take care of herself/her problems.

She must sense this and feel even worse.

I'm a woman who feels more comfortable with my hair pulled back, some jeans, and a t-shirt. If my husband ever threw my hairbands away, and told me that I needed to make myself more presentable, he would not be my husband. Shame on you. She's not your trophy.

Sorry, but after reading that part, I couldn't even make it to the end.

I didn't really read past that part either. Sometimes it's alright to be lazy and scrape back your hair and throw on some comfies, if anything I think it's good that she feels comfortable enough to let you see her dressed down and casual

I'm a woman who feels more comfortable with my hair pulled back, some jeans, and a t-shirt. If my husband ever threw my hairbands away, and told me that I needed to make myself more presentable, he would not be my husband. Shame on you. She's not your trophy.

Sorry, but after reading that part, I couldn't even make it to the end.

^^^What the above poster said.

yep me too. You're ridiculous

Maybe you think that she has low self esteem but, personally, I think that you're the one who has caused her insecurities.

I am glad that you decided all that by the fact he threw away some cheap-*kitten* hairbands in anger.

You guys have only been together for 3 years and you think you know how long term relationships are supposed to work?
It is a shame your wife doesn't have a lot of confidence in herself, because confidence is attractive. However judging by your immature actions, don't be surprised at all if she goes further into being depressed about herself.

I think I understand where the OP is coming from, I see a lot of my situation in their relationship. I don't think he wants her to wear her hair down, dress up and go to the gym because HE wants her to, but because he knows that they're things that make her happy, and why wouldn't he want to encourage her to do them if the empirical evidence suggests that her low self-esteem is improved while doing them? However, I do think the way he's approached it is really offbase. The intimacy / selfish comment really rankled, as did the hair ties (I cannot wear my hair down, if frizzes and matts in seconds!) and just the general tone of the post comes across as self centred and just weird in places (I've tried to read it with a male head on, but I guess some things just don't translate well.)

It drives my fiance nuts that my self-esteem is so low. He tells me he loves me and I'm gorgeous and awesome and wonderful everyday, and I do believe that's what he sees, but no way am I ready to permanently accept that as the truth for myself. He's a a "fixer" too, he hates having to sit by and watch myself beat myself up on a daily basis and not being able to do anything about it, but he knows there's no instruction manual for it, and all he can do is be there and love me, even when I'm being a totally irrational, lazy, irascible cow-bag. And although I think I'm always going to have issues, his passive and dependable support has and is still making such a difference.

So to the OP, back off. I understand you're frustrated she can't see what you see, but you cannot troubleshoot her issues like running a diagnostic on computer software and you can't reprogramme the way she feels by telling her what to do. What she's likely to need is love and hugs and unconditional support. I do agree with the posters who've said her age may be a factor, life is hard work, moving from being a teenager to a partner to a wife is a big change, especially if she's got friends following a different path, or previous ideals or goals she's moving away from. Just love her.

You could have easily been my husband sayig these things. I know he doesn't find my insecurity attractive. But also in our case he is the one who brought me to that level... I had my beautiful long hair hacked off and mutilated and ended up havig to get a foaxhawk... he picked on me and told me I looked like a lesbian... to top it off as my hair grew out I was was pregnant and getting bigger.. more that made me unattractive to him. And I'm not just bei paranoid. He said it.... with all thst beig said he has since been trying to repair the damage done. I was in a deep deep depression and he knew it was him that killed my self esteem. But I soon realized that even though he was in the wrong, I am the one who let it get to me. I was the one who needed to like what I look like no matter what he said. I failed me. Now I am changing only the things I don't like about myself, and I am finding more confidence in myself! And he can tell too, on top of his efforts to restore our relationship I am taking the steps toward loving myself.