Frustration - Wife sabotages herself - women listen up

clarkeje1

Keep telling her shes pretty. Do little things to show her (like a silky but not just for you nightgown . Leave her little notes. I am at a perfectly healthy weight, but like your wife, I don't feel pretty in my own skin. My husband sees me differently. He recently bought me a matching bra and panty set and left a note that said he hoped it made me feel as pretty as he thinks I look. The token gesture wax wonderful and really made me smile from the inside out. Perhaps you could try something like this instead of her hair ties (I get it-you were mad;). Best of luck. Just be there. (And for the record, u will never see myself the way my husband sees me. And I don't always believe him. But I DO believe that he believes what he sees in me

I agree with this

diabloben68

You know, I feel like at times, i could relate to your wife. Have you ever thought about telling her that her self-sabotage, be littleing herself, kind of puts you off and you take that as a turn off?

If my boyfriend mentioned this, it might change my tune of myself...(at least those days where i don't feel like taking off my camo pants or bunny hug). So thank you so much for your opinion on it....and on behalf of the guys who don't have it in them to say anything

wrong post

Mellie289

I dont know if all women are like this, but for my wife, getting ready and looking presentable is important to her because that means she cares enough about herself to actually invest time in to herself. The times when she hides her hair, and puts on baggy clothes just drives me nuts, not because I dont like the up-do or baggy clothes, but because she is figuratively saying to herself "I am not pretty enough to get ready" We have gotten into arguments about her hair, and I have thrown her hair-bands away (that was wrong) so she wouldn't hide her hair. She has beautiful hair by the way.

OP - has your wife actually expressed that when she wears baggy clothes and her hair up, that she is hiding? When I was her age, I had a lot of insecurities about my body and I would always go out made up. Dressing down around someone meant that I was really comfortable with them and trusted that person to accept me without me having to spend an hour applying makeup and doing my hair.

I think you need to go out and buy her some hair bands if you haven't already! You need to tell your wife she can be herself, whatever state that is, and doesn't have to put on makeup for you to accept her - not necessarily in words. If you don't want to tell her she looks pretty or compliment her when she's in sweats, let her know you still accept her with a hug. I would think intimacy would be suffering if you're only give the compliments when she is dressed up the way you like - it sounds like that's what you are doing.

I've notice my BF is doing the same thing (complimenting me only when I'm dressed up), but I'm a confident woman and I recognize that he communicates his affection for me more often by touch rather than words and he still does that when I'm in my dumpy comfy clothes with my hair tied back. I can tell he desires me even when I'm dressed like a slob, even though I know he'd rather see me in a dress. I dress like a slob around him because I am comfortable with him and can be myself - I don't feel the need to present some put-together image of myself all the time (that's exhausting anyway)!

Rather than looking at her low self-esteem as being selfish (seriously?), reflect on your behavior to see how you can support her. It sounds to me like you have been saying or doing things to reinforce her insecurities. Build her up, don't tear her down. Give compliments that aren't tied to her looks, like let her know that you missed her while you were at work, or you had fun doing some activity together because she was there with you. Make her feel needed, valued and appreciated for much more than how she looks.

upgetupgetup

Skimmed responses, looks like good advice above (esp re age-related concerns). Just wanted to emphasize: stop making it such a big deal. You're focusing on her appearance almost as much as she might be. Quit complimenting her, unless it's a spontaneous, genuine expression. It's probably coming across as forced & contributing to her self-consciousness.

Yeah defo stay away from her headbands and whatever, leave her alone as far as all that goes. Don't even comment.

Listen to her. Is she actually distressed when she's not done up? Is that HER signal that she's down? Or are you inferring that?

If you want to help, imo a more useful thing to do is distract her with fun stuff. DO things together. Activities you both enjoy and can do unselfconsciously. Soccer, volleyball, bowling, book clubs, idk. Stuff that connects with who each of you is, like, inside, and also that connects you together, where what she looks like is the least important thing.

imonlyblessed

when you give her a compliment, and she blows it off, you can tell her that it hurts you when she dismisses you and makes you feel like your opinion is unimportant. in other words, you need to talk like a female because you are dealing with a female.


but please don't stop giving her compliments. that would be a bad thing for all parties concerned. and perhaps you could say more things like, 'i love being with you', or, 'i love your generous heart', or something like that, rather than complimenting her appearance. that might help. or you could tweak it a little. change 'i think your hair is nice', to, 'your hair is beautiful, in my opinion.' and she can't argue, because it's an opinion. she can disagree, but not argue.

I honestly think THIS was great advice. USE HER LANGUAGE. Express how you feel in a way that she will understand (more emotionally charged words).

Whatever happens, be patient. Don't be pushy. It will take time. Eventually she will come around on her own.

ReneePierce3

OMG! No wonder this woman has confidence issues! I feel for her as I'm sure a lot of women do! There's nothing wrong with HER ....except for possibly marrying the wrong guy ! I am lucky enough to have the most loving, sweet, supportive husband in the world, and I can tell you he would never behave the way you have. It's not your job to force her into wearing her hair the way YOU like it, it IS your job to love her and accept her the way she is. She is just being a normal woman, with doubts and fears. Just let her be her! You can encourage her and reinforce a positive image by giving sincere compliments with NO expectations! Expectations are pre-planned resentments. And for the love of Pete, don't ever throw away any of her property again. That's a very scary borderline abusively controlling, and you WILL end up losing her. She will grow with your love and support, and her own life experiences, but it will take time. Remember she is very young. At 22 yrs old most young women are still in college and/or living at home with thier parents! Stop pressuring her!
Hope this gets you thinking....

RMNPHike

when you give her a compliment, and she blows it off, you can tell her that it hurts you when she dismisses you and makes you feel like your opinion is unimportant. in other words, you need to talk like a female because you are dealing with a female.


but please don't stop giving her compliments. that would be a bad thing for all parties concerned. and perhaps you could say more things like, 'i love being with you', or, 'i love your generous heart', or something like that, rather than complimenting her appearance. that might help. or you could tweak it a little. change 'i think your hair is nice', to, 'your hair is beautiful, in my opinion.' and she can't argue, because it's an opinion. she can disagree, but not argue.

I honestly think THIS was great advice. USE HER LANGUAGE. Express how you feel in a way that she will understand (more emotionally charged words).

Whatever happens, be patient. Don't be pushy. It will take time. Eventually she will come around on her own.

This is intelligent and practical advice, in my opinion.

oldbury8663

I agree with Penny. The fact that you are trying to change her shows you do not love her for who she is. You need to come to grips with the fact that your wife likes baggy pants and hair bands, just as she will need to accept that you are a bit of a control freak. You can both work on these things...........together. Understanding your issues in this will do more than you realize.

I have been married for 30 years and no matter what weight, dress, hair or makeup scenario presented itself, my husband has always told me I am beautiful. And to him I am. That is the MOST incredible feeling in the world.....knowing you are loved for you.........no matter how you look at that moment.

Adw7677

This may have already been said, but I couldn't read anymore responses. A man coming to message boards LOOKING FOR ADVICE TO MAKE HIS WOMAN HAPPY should NOT be disrepected. PERIOD

I'm 35, female, unpredictable self-esteem. It amazes me that you've associated spending-little-time-on-yourself with the i'm-not-worth-it aspect. It is quite true for many women, including myself, and I hadn't ever realized it. On days I don't feel pretty (most of the time), I won't bother doing anything. But on the better days, I put on a little more makeup and actually do something with my hair.

Don't stop telling your wife she's beautiful, important, funny, awesome.. all those things. But what's more important to a woman than words is ACTIONS. Are you going to strip clubs? Subscribe to playboy? Take an obvious double-take at anything involving car/half-naked-woman? She gets her negativity from anything media, and probably other women. 99% of women are b--ches, that's why we don't like each other.

But anyways... take a good look at her whole environment. If you had a baby, you'd possibly get down on your knees and childproof the house. Take the time to wifeproof it. If she reads any women's magazines (vogue, cosmo, etc...) suggest that she stop buying them. "I married you because I love you. I don't want one of those girls (referring to the models)." I'd tell you to throw them away, but we see how well that flies on these groups.

Possibly, take her to the spa. Careful though... try to plan something together. Get a manicure while she gets her nails done. If you just take HER to get something done by herself, she might think you're saying "your hair is ugly." Lots of guys like manicures, they just don't talk about it. She's your wife. Invest in her. Who cares if you, too, come out with nice nails or soft feet.

And it is entirely possible that she is just more comfortable as she rolls out of bed. You have to evaluate the whole picture. There's no sense in spending 2 hours on oneself to sit at home and do chores or watch tv. See if the community college in your area offers ballroom dance lessons. That'll give you both a reason to dress up and do something together, and it's hella fun too! If not at the college, find a Groupon deal. Surprise her with something you can do TOGETHER. Shoot, I'd suggest that for any couple.

Good luck!

DaniH826

you sound abusive tbh because you are controlling her to the point that you threw away her hairties because YOU don't want her to put her hair up. grow up.

Maybe, but thats as abusive as I get. Cheers

I think there's a big difference between being abusive and rattling somebody's cage. I've had my cage rattled by my husband lots of times over the years and he's helped me understand that he's not like others that were actually abusive and destroyed my self-worth. I'm the stubborn sort and sometimes can't see the forest for the trees, and so every so often things have to happen that shake old cobwebs and set ways of thinking in the name of growth. Welcome to marriage, where two people grow up together.

You seem like a decent fella. Be yourself, stand on your own, keep showing her you love her, stay loyal and faithful and she'll eventually get it.

Also, bad idea to try and bring the inner workings of your marriage out on a public forum in front of internet strangers who lack insight into 99% of what is really happening. As you can probably tell by the way this thread blew up in unexpected ways. :laugh:

neandermagnon

I'm a woman who feels more comfortable with my hair pulled back, some jeans, and a t-shirt. If my husband ever threw my hairbands away, and told me that I needed to make myself more presentable, he would not be my husband. Shame on you. She's not your trophy.

Sorry, but after reading that part, I couldn't even make it to the end.

It is quite possible that one of us or both of us is missing the point. My point is that I really don't care what she looks like, as long as she cares about her self.

What I think you are getting at is that I want her to look a certain way, therefore I throw away her headbands etc.

You may be misinterpreting her motives for dressing down. You may interpret it as "she doesn't care about herself enough to dress up pretty, how sad, she must feel really bad about herself, I wish she was more confident" - but that might not actually be what's going on in these situations, she may just want to relax and have a break from trying to look good for the world. Even if she lacks self confidence and does not see herself as beautiful in other situations, does not mean that her motives in this situation are from that. I really don't know any woman who is high maintenance 100% of the time, i.e. even high maintenance women are low maintenance at home alone, or at home with their partners when they feel comfortable enough in the relationship to be like that. Personally, I'd take dressing down in front of you as a sign she's comfortable enough with you and your relationship that she feels she does not have to be 100% perfect around you - and that's a very healthy thing. If she was always feeling pressure to look and be perfect around you then she can never relax, and that's likely to cause relationship problems.

Throwing her hair bands away does come across as control-freaky... and your motives may simply be to make her feel more self confident... but I don't know any woman who'd take something like that in that way, more likely she'll take it as "I'm not good enough for him unless I hide all my faults" and "I can't relax with my own husband" and "he doesn't accept me the way that I am" - in other words, stuff like this might actually be making the problem worse and making her feel more insecure.

My advice: let her be herself around you. Tell her she's beautiful first thing in the morning when her hair is a total mess and she's not wearing any make-up and just wearing old pajamas or whatever... human psychology is weird, you might think that will make her not make an effort, but actually it'll more likely boost her confidence and want to make an effort. (it might not work the first time, depending on how bad her confidence problem is - if it's very deep seated (which isn't your fault it existed long before she knew you ) it will take a lot longer. And with her not believing you re compliments, sounds like that comes from a confidence problem that existed before your relationship - keep on giving her compliments, let her be herself (including dressing down in situations where other people dress down) and her confidence will start to pick up.

Gwyn1969

compassion plus patience.

WAnnB

I want to say thank you. I read the whole thing and it has helped me understand some of my husband's previous frustrations. Because of my weight loss my countenance has been glowing. I have been cheerful and energetic and this has very much affected my husband. I am not only glad to see him when he gets home but he can See that I am glad to see him. He has had something to do with this, though I don't think he knows it. He started calling me Skinny somewhere along the line and then he also started calling me Sexy. These names have been a big boost to me. I do care about how my husband feels about me and it has made a big difference knowing that he is pleased with me. Hope this is helpful info for you.

glovepuppet

the opening post made me want to hurl.
like a woman's self worth must be tied to her looks and, seriously, not wanting your hair getting in your way all day means you have low self esteem?
i don't dress up because i can live without the constant attention of men who assume that a woman who is dressed up must want male attention. boring clothes give me a quieter life, let me do the grocery shopping without someone trying to chat me up at the checkout.

my self worth is linked to stupid, shallow things like... oh... my intellect? my morality? my strength of character? my achievements?

if a man threw out my hairbands for his reasons i would leave. if a man only appreciated my beauty when i was done up like a doll i would leave.

MaretL

We can all give our opinions but the main point still remains, we just don't know what is going on inside her and inside your marriage. You need to talk to her and tell her how it affects you. Does SHE feel that she has a problem or is it only YOU who thinks she has a problem? If she does not then I don't really see there can be any solution at this point. If she has, does she trust you enough to work on it together? And so many more questions which only she can answer for you.

Tell you what. First of all I think it is so wrong to base your self-confidence on someone else's opinion of you but I am guilty in that I won't deny it. Over the years I have been trying to learn the art of listening only yourself and no one else in that matter, perhaps one day I can do it..

In my first marriage my husband was super jealous and I won't go into too much detail, we are divorced now but I must say, during the whole marriage I always felt beautiful and sexy in his eyes and in my own. It was just the way he acted, the way he looked at me in addition to his words i guess.
I am married to a wonderful man now and despite him saying words to me I will probably (unfortunately) never trust him completely because of what he did quite at the beginning of our marriage. It is not important what happened but my point is that there might be something you've done and she can't get over it. You won't get the answers from here unfortunately, you need to talk to her if it bothers you.

Good luck!

Martucha123

Before I say anything: I have only read the first page of responses so I do not know if it has been covered

Not all the women feel like this, I would say that she has some issues and she (with your help and maybe even professional help) should work on them to become happier person.

good luck to both of you

swissbrit

I'm a woman who feels more comfortable with my hair pulled back, some jeans, and a t-shirt. If my husband ever threw my hairbands away, and told me that I needed to make myself more presentable, he would not be my husband. Shame on you. She's not your trophy.

Sorry, but after reading that part, I couldn't even make it to the end.

I agree with ^^^^^^^^^^^talk about giving a woman a complex!!!!!!!!!!! Not only would you not be my husband you would also be seriously damaged!!!!!

Veganniee

This may have already been said, but I couldn't read anymore responses. A man coming to message boards LOOKING FOR ADVICE TO MAKE HIS WOMAN HAPPY should NOT be disrepected. PERIOD

I completely agree.....except he isn't doing that at all. He's asking advice on how to change his 'selfish' wife so she puts loads of effort into looking good on a daily basis, because he perceives her to lack self esteem and that gets in the way of him having a satisfying sex life. He's attempted to control her by throwing away her things so she conforms to his ideals.

My husband likes it when I dress up and put effort into my appearance. He gives me loads of compliments then. He is also happy to snuggle up with me on the sofa when I'm wearing a baggy t-shirt and sweatpants, no make up and messy hair. I guess he likes me for me and not what he wants me to be. If only your wife had the same.

cutie_patootie

Women are usually very perceptive about things that are left unsaid. when you say the following:

"It has gotten to the point where I can't even give her a heart felt compliment anymore, like "oh you look really pretty" or "your really good at science" or "your hair looks so nice and shiny" because she thinks I am lying. "

It's quite possible that she already knows that you rather see her all dressed up immaculately 24 * 7. That's unfair! sometimes the best part of being in a committed relationship is that you can let go of your self sometimes and know that your partner still loves you and loves you for more than just the way you look.

Here's a tip that I hope works for you: Make her feel like a mission bucks. Compliment her on things/features/personality and do not keep all the focus on how pretty she looks on a particular day. When a woman feels like a million bucks, she starts looking that way whether that's in mini-skirt or baggy jeans. Be gentle with her.

ej_glen

Have to agree with the majority of posters here.

Her body, her appearance, her self-worth, her confidence, her clothes, her hair, her make up: These are all things that are everything to do with her and NOTHING to do with you.

I understand that you think you're helping, and you want to make your wife feel good about herself - these things are admirable. But I think the first thing that would help is to take a step back and examine how your own behaviour is contributing to the issues you've perceived that she has (She may not even feel as though she has the problems that you think she does).