Frustration - Wife sabotages herself - women listen up

KWgirl69

First I would like to say, you are awesome! Many men couldn't care less about what their wives wear or if they are confident. Next, I think just continuing to compliment her. Over and over if you must. I believe there could be a mild depression going on, and that happens a lot in the winter months. Just continue to show her how much you love her and care for her and it should all pan out when summer suns come.

KWgirl69

I couldn't agree more! Kudos to him!!

Pookylou

Very informative.
I think I've finally found why the term "douchecanoe" was coined.

Made me snort at work! :drinker: Taking this and using it as my own. Many thanks

blobby10

Will be honest, I've read the first and last pages of this thread but my first thought in the original post was "that could be my husband talking". I have never had a positive self image and will always see the worst and am, at times, physically incapable of seeing the good. After nearly 20 years of marriage, my husband now never compliments me as he is"fed up of me not believing him "(his actual words) so I can understand the OP's point of view.

I can also agree with those who have said that he may never be able to help his wife! As I know all too well, if you don't believe it yourself it's very difficult to accept a compliment. However being twice the wife's age and therefore more experienced (lol!) my advice to her is - Always say thank you when you get a compliment - even if you don't believe it. It makes the compliment giver feel better and one day, you never know, you may just believe it yourself!

B x

Alta2000

You know, when I first started reading this I thought you were my husband. I seriously thought "maybe he made an account because he knows i'm on here and posted to ask for advice....maybe hope i saw it?" Only thing different is he is 25 and i'm 23. EVERYTHING else you wrote is exactly the same! Married 3 years, self conscious, sex life, WEIRD!

I feel bad for you. I feel bad for my guy. It is a tough thing to deal with, I know. I don't know how to fix it!

I would strongly advice you and the OP to attend couples therapy with an experienced clinical therapist. (Please make sure they have a long experience), and do it now in the early stages when it is easier to fix it. Many of our problems derive from childhood experience and our spouses think they can fix it, help us overcome them. Frequently they fail, the relationship deteriorate, and people are surprised how 2 individuals who were so in love ended like that. Even the mid life crisis that affects particularly men, it is more severe on the individuals with screwed up childhood (which can be anything, even emotional abuse by the mother) who never learnt how to deal with it.

usernameMAMA

Wow, there was a lot of responses and believe it or not I read through ever one! I have to say that a lot of the responses are ironic considering that people are up in arms because he threw out her HAIR BANDS in anger. I have heard "advice" from women to other women and it's a lot more abusive and uncalled for....

"My Husband isn't supportive"

"Kick his *kitten* out!"
"You don't need him"
"If that was MY husband i would make him say he was sorry, clean the kitchen, and make him sleep on the couch!"

OP, I think what you wrote was out of genuine concern and the desire to have your wife feel better about herself. Keep telling her she's beautiful, keep letting her know you love her. Take her out to a nice dinner, make it so she has to get dressed up. She'll appreciate it.

mimieon

I like what you said, I agree that I probably take on the fixer role more than I should. I have got plenty of my own problems to be trying to fix hers all the time lol.

Stuff like what you are saying above (including for her being selfish feeling a certain way about her body when you just want to have sex), shows that you don't respect her feelings, and respect her as capable to take care of herself/her problems.

She must sense this and feel even worse.

AngelsInThighHighs

Thats funny, i almost thought this was someone i used to know talking about me. I think as women we always have a negative image of ourselves, that is, until we decide to take control and change our perception of ourselves. Im 23, i struggle with the way i look, or rather i did, almost daily i would always look into the mirror and find every flaw never something attractive or something i was proud of.

I would hide in baggy clothes and never think enough of myself to call myself sexy, there was nothing any man, i was with, could ever do to make me feel that i was beautiful. I realized it was not "their" opinion of me that would change my self depreciation. I had to make that change for myself, I had to find beauty in myself, you can not change how she thinks.

This problem is within herself, she has to realize her own self worth and like you said your opinion doesnt matter. It is how she feels and sees herself, i starting working out and eating right and even now when i fall off the wagon i get those awful feelings of being ugly, or fat.

Its a constant struggle however if you support her and motivate her she will overcome. Perhaps you both should take up a workout routine or class maybe even just ride bikes together, cook healthy together. Your relationship still needs to be rooted why not start where it will benefit you both goodluck!

Miss_dannii

I'm a woman who feels more comfortable with my hair pulled back, some jeans, and a t-shirt. If my husband ever threw my hairbands away, and told me that I needed to make myself more presentable, he would not be my husband. Shame on you. She's not your trophy.

Sorry, but after reading that part, I couldn't even make it to the end.

I didn't really read past that part either. Sometimes it's alright to be lazy and scrape back your hair and throw on some comfies, if anything I think it's good that she feels comfortable enough to let you see her dressed down and casual

mimieon

I had a hard time reading as you tore your wife to shreds about her lack of confidence. This was a uniquely painful experience, thank you for subjecting me to this brand new kind of discomfort.
With love,
Burt

And this a thousand times.

CherryOnionKiss

I'm a woman who feels more comfortable with my hair pulled back, some jeans, and a t-shirt. If my husband ever threw my hairbands away, and told me that I needed to make myself more presentable, he would not be my husband. Shame on you. She's not your trophy.

Sorry, but after reading that part, I couldn't even make it to the end.

^^^What the above poster said.

yep me too. You're ridiculous

mareeee1234

I think this is a great post! And the timing was perfect... this is just what I needed to read tonight.

Thanks op! I hope things get better for you

FungusTrooper

Maybe you think that she has low self esteem but, personally, I think that you're the one who has caused her insecurities.

I am glad that you decided all that by the fact he threw away some cheap-*kitten* hairbands in anger.

fly_butterfly

You can compliment her all you want, it won't change the way she feels about herself. SHE needs to give herself positive self-affirmations to change the way SHE thinks. At such a young age... she will have a long life ahead of her if she isn't loving herself right now. My suggestion is to provide her with the tools to change her thought process. Google 'self-affirmations' and read up on how powerful it really is.

It works for Stuart Smalley....
I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me!: Daily Affirmations With Stuart Smalley.

julesxo

You guys have only been together for 3 years and you think you know how long term relationships are supposed to work?
It is a shame your wife doesn't have a lot of confidence in herself, because confidence is attractive. However judging by your immature actions, don't be surprised at all if she goes further into being depressed about herself.

perfekta

I'm a woman who feels more comfortable with my hair pulled back, some jeans, and a t-shirt. If my husband ever threw my hairbands away, and told me that I needed to make myself more presentable, he would not be my husband. Shame on you. She's not your trophy.

Sorry, but after reading that part, I couldn't even make it to the end.

This, she is probably feeling tired of not living up to your standards. Just because she puts her hair up, her confidence is bad. What?

purple_furry_aubergine

I think I understand where the OP is coming from, I see a lot of my situation in their relationship. I don't think he wants her to wear her hair down, dress up and go to the gym because HE wants her to, but because he knows that they're things that make her happy, and why wouldn't he want to encourage her to do them if the empirical evidence suggests that her low self-esteem is improved while doing them? However, I do think the way he's approached it is really offbase. The intimacy / selfish comment really rankled, as did the hair ties (I cannot wear my hair down, if frizzes and matts in seconds!) and just the general tone of the post comes across as self centred and just weird in places (I've tried to read it with a male head on, but I guess some things just don't translate well.)

It drives my fiance nuts that my self-esteem is so low. He tells me he loves me and I'm gorgeous and awesome and wonderful everyday, and I do believe that's what he sees, but no way am I ready to permanently accept that as the truth for myself. He's a a "fixer" too, he hates having to sit by and watch myself beat myself up on a daily basis and not being able to do anything about it, but he knows there's no instruction manual for it, and all he can do is be there and love me, even when I'm being a totally irrational, lazy, irascible cow-bag. And although I think I'm always going to have issues, his passive and dependable support has and is still making such a difference.

So to the OP, back off. I understand you're frustrated she can't see what you see, but you cannot troubleshoot her issues like running a diagnostic on computer software and you can't reprogramme the way she feels by telling her what to do. What she's likely to need is love and hugs and unconditional support. I do agree with the posters who've said her age may be a factor, life is hard work, moving from being a teenager to a partner to a wife is a big change, especially if she's got friends following a different path, or previous ideals or goals she's moving away from. Just love her.

salcha76

You can't change her , she has to want to be ok. Her hang up, or her normal, is to not be ok, play the victim, & be melodramatic....that being said...it's because she was programmed that way. We are programmed before we are 10....and growing up reinforces our stupid programing.....she had to love herself before she can ever accept her love. It's not your job to fix her....it's your job to be supportive & loving...not throw out hairbands....humph. She has to realize that her attitutde is the 1st thing in life she can control, her choosing to have such a negative one will impact her & you, and anyone around her. She needs an ah-ha moment & you can't make that happen for her....

CaffeinatedGlitter

You could have easily been my husband sayig these things. I know he doesn't find my insecurity attractive. But also in our case he is the one who brought me to that level... I had my beautiful long hair hacked off and mutilated and ended up havig to get a foaxhawk... he picked on me and told me I looked like a lesbian... to top it off as my hair grew out I was was pregnant and getting bigger.. more that made me unattractive to him. And I'm not just bei paranoid. He said it.... with all thst beig said he has since been trying to repair the damage done. I was in a deep deep depression and he knew it was him that killed my self esteem. But I soon realized that even though he was in the wrong, I am the one who let it get to me. I was the one who needed to like what I look like no matter what he said. I failed me. Now I am changing only the things I don't like about myself, and I am finding more confidence in myself! And he can tell too, on top of his efforts to restore our relationship I am taking the steps toward loving myself.

julesxo

I'm a woman who feels more comfortable with my hair pulled back, some jeans, and a t-shirt. If my husband ever threw my hairbands away, and told me that I needed to make myself more presentable, he would not be my husband. Shame on you. She's not your trophy.

Sorry, but after reading that part, I couldn't even make it to the end.

This, she is probably feeling tired of not living up to your standards. Just because she puts her hair up, her confidence is bad. What?

I agree. I would argue that some women who obsess too much on their appearance are the ones who are the most insecure.