Frustration - Wife sabotages herself - women listen up

Kyrithys

OP, I couldn't make it to the end of your hypocritical post because I couldn't believe you were on to dish out advice for women when you're one of the causes of your own wife's crumbling self-esteem.

I am a woman of very low self confidence and so I think I can understand how your wife feels. For a start, being self-concious isn't a controllable condition that people can just 'snap out' of. If it was we'd all be confident and happy with ourselves.

Sometimes dressing down is a way of coping with a low day. I know when I'm feeling down I like to dress in things that make me feel comfortable and things that don't attract attention. If she is as pretty as you say then I guess people look at her all the time which with her confidence issues must be extremely stressful and maybe now and again she might want a break from that.

Although you say you were trying to help her by reprimanding her for dressing down, how exactly do you think that's supposed to make her feel? It doesn't matter why you're doing it, the fact is that by throwing a tantrum and throwing away her hair bands because she hasn't dolled herself up, you're not helping. Instead you're just sending the clear and simple message - You're unhappy with her when she's not dolled up.

I have low days where I dress down but I have never been reprimanded by my husband. Instead he joins me to stay in and watch a nice film together. I can't think of a day where he hasn't made me feel special or attractive to him even when I've been at my worst. Of course he's told me he likes it when I dress up and put on make up because it shows him I feel happier and want to make an effort, but that's very different from what you do.

Positive reinforcement is always far better encouragement than negative reinforcement which can have the opposite effect.

You are her husband; to you she should be the most beautiful woman in the world to you even if she is wearing a bin bag. You should love the person she is inside and should be the one person she can feel comfortable dressing down with. You should be showing/telling her you love her all the time, not just when she's dressed up.

If she doesn't think you can see deeper than her skin then of course she's going to feel insecure, your empty compliments won't mean anything to her and you'll have nobody to blame but yourself.

lheidbrink

I agree with you Bekha and the quote you used. I was really surprised to see how angry people got about his post. I honestly don't think he's being abusive, he's confused. God help him after all of our responses. He's probably really confused now...:huh:

billsica

OP, you will get better results posting this just on your own wall or looking for groups for dealing with depression. Just going to get beat up here. :flowerforyou:

seena511

first off, he said that he was wrong to throw away her hairbands. so everyone can just jump off that high horse.

i get what you're saying. my husband tells me constantly how fit, skinny, pretty i am and i used to brush it off or contradict him. it drove him crazy. he keeps telling me and now i'm starting to see myself how he sees me sometimes. having him as a cheerleader has really helped me a lot during this process. consistent support goes a long way.

Im_NotPerfect

I'm a woman who feels more comfortable with my hair pulled back, some jeans, and a t-shirt. If my husband ever threw my hairbands away, and told me that I needed to make myself more presentable, he would not be my husband. Shame on you. She's not your trophy.

Sorry, but after reading that part, I couldn't even make it to the end.

It is quite possible that one of us or both of us is missing the point. My point is that I really don't care what she looks like, as long as she cares about her self.

What I think you are getting at is that I want her to look a certain way, therefore I throw away her headbands etc.

But you obviously DO care what she looks like if you hate it when she "hides" her hair (ever think that maybe she just didn't feel like doing it that day?) and notice her baggy clothes (some days, us women just want to be schlumpy). A man who TRULY doesn't mind what his wife looks like on any certain day doesn't even notice if she's wearing sweats or the sexiest of jeans. If her hair is pulled up or down and curly. He can APPRECIATE when she takes the time, but it shouldn't matter to you either way because you love her.

Kyrithys

first off, he said that he was wrong to throw away her hairbands. so everyone can just jump off that high horse.

My ex used to call it wrong and call himself scum every time he went through his little guilty "I'm so sorry" stage after he'd beaten me up. It didn't stop him doing it again and again each time he got in a mood until I left his sorry *kitten*.

seena511

first off, he said that he was wrong to throw away her hairbands. so everyone can just jump off that high horse.

My ex used to call it wrong and call himself scum every time he went through his little guilty "I'm so sorry" stage after he'd beaten me up. It didn't stop him doing it again and again each time he got in a mood until I left his sorry *kitten*.

throwing away headbands and domestic abuse are not the same thing.

MrsBobaFett

We all have days where we just want to throw on a pair of baggy bottoms, tie our hair up and not bother with make-up. I have suffered for years with my self-esteem but now I'm getting older I'm more confident in myself. A lot of women brush off compliments.

If she wants to tie her hair back and wear baggy clothes let her. I'm sure she's just as beautiful either way!

Kyrithys

first off, he said that he was wrong to throw away her hairbands. so everyone can just jump off that high horse.

My ex used to call it wrong and call himself scum every time he went through his little guilty "I'm so sorry" stage after he'd beaten me up. It didn't stop him doing it again and again each time he got in a mood until I left his sorry *kitten*.

throwing away headbands and domestic abuse are not the same thing.

The principle is the same.

He might call it wrong now, but recognising something as wrong isn't the same as apologising or deciding not to do it again.

bcattoes

OP, dude, don't both writing anything sincere in the MFP forums. No one will bother reading anything longer than 1 paragraph, most of the responders have horrendous reading comprehension skills, even worse critical thinking skills, and the man haters will come out in force. Go get some counseling for you and your wife, and good luck.

I agree with the above quote!! Everyone who responded totally missed the point he was trying to make!! And mainly the woman that are responding saying 'He's such a terrible husband because he threw away her headbands or doesn't want her to gain 50 lbs'.. Why be so hung up on those two sentences (which was taken out of context by most of the responders here) and missed everything else he was saying. What's wrong with you people!?:huh: :huh:

the 50 lbs thing did not catch my eye so much. For health or asthetic reasons, who would want their spouse to gain 50 lbs?

These caught my eye:

"We have gotten into arguments about her hair"
"It has gotten to the point where I can't even give her a heart felt compliment anymore"
"she actually starts to become less attractive to me"
"I can tell you that though she does care somewhat of what I think about her,but an overwhelming majority of her feelings are concerned with the way she feels and thinks about her self. "

These feelings, whether ever said out loud, are likely a big part of the problem. They may not have started the problem, but they will exacerbate it. If you want to improve the problem, compliment your wife. Tell her she's beautiful with her hair back because it accentuates her beautiful eyes. Tell her how nice her bum looks in those sweats and maybe she'll trade them in for tight yoga pants. And on the occasions that she does let her hair down, compliment it without adding something like "I wish you wore it down more often".

Let her know you think she's beautiful all the time and she will more likely want to be beautiful for you.
Let her know you only think she's beautiful when she puts some effort into it, and she'll feel like an old rusty car that is in need of a good paint job.

daphne_m

A lot of stuff goes up online that should probably be shared with a therapist. I dated a guy who tried to make me feel good about myself by buying me cute stuff. Unfortunately he had no idea what constituted cute and sent his assistant out to do the legwork. She was all about designer tat that I wouldn't be caught dead with. Probably what I'm trying to get across is that I was really relieved when I found out my partner's contributions to Operation Cheer Up Daphne were only financial. Remember, you can lead a horse to water but if the horse prefers to mix itself a martini with extra olives you should probably just accept its drink preferences.

peachfigs

first off, he said that he was wrong to throw away her hairbands. so everyone can just jump off that high horse.

My ex used to call it wrong and call himself scum every time he went through his little guilty "I'm so sorry" stage after he'd beaten me up. It didn't stop him doing it again and again each time he got in a mood until I left his sorry *kitten*.

throwing away headbands and domestic abuse are not the same thing.

The principle is the same.

He might call it wrong now, but recognising something as wrong isn't the same as apologising or deciding not to do it again.

It's not the same and it doesn't really apply to this situation. Leave your own personal stories at the door when you try to help someone else.

TrailRunner61

I've been married for almost 34 years and if my husband threw out my hair ties or headbands, I would have punched him. But, he knows better.
Someone else mentioned that they preferred wearing jeans and pulling their hair back sometimes. Well, I do too. When I'm staying home, working around the house, dealing with kids, grandkids, working out, or just plain doing NOTHING, I'll wear what I want, not get all hussied up because I don't look good enough for someone else. If I want to dress nice, put on makeup, wear heels, I'll do it when I want to. And yeah, when I do, I feel better about myself but it takes work and sometimes I'm just too damn tired to care.
I have had body image problems for years including eating disorders. I have weighed 92lbs and as high as 179lbs. All through this, 3 pregnancies, etc., my husband has told me I'm beautiful every day. No, I don't always believe him because I KNOW I don't feel or look beautiful at times. What matters is that he still cares, even though I give him 'that look' when he says I'm beautiful.
I suppose it probably does hurt him when he says that over and over again and I don't believe him, but I give him credit for trying. lol
He has responded with, "well you may not think you're beautiful, but in my eyes you are'. That kind of makes me even madder, but I believe him. At least I know he loves me..

_chiaroscuro

I have a working theory that we choose partners who reflect our opinion of ourselves.

Chapters ago, when I thought I was broken, I attracted and spent years with someone who was both willing to help "fix" me, BUT who also agreed that I was broken, and behaved accordingly.

I recognize the story being told here but I don't know the language anymore. And I'm so grateful.

::puts hair in ponytail, smiles, leaves::

gabiinacio

Honestly a lot of posters are lacking the reading and comprehension part of the thread.

Don’t feel bad for throwing out her hair ties, this does not cause huge self esteem issues. My ex fiancé broke my brand new phone, and I threw his PS 3 out our two story houses window. My point here, is that I’m sure half of the posters here that are in a relationship have done a lot worst whether it be physically or mentally to their significant other. I’m one of those women who are confident, but I also seek reassurance. I dress up for work, but when I get home its sweat pants and t-shirts all day. What helps is when my fiancé tells me I’m beautiful regardless of what I’m wearing.

If your wife is having a laid back day, with her hair up continue to tell her she is beautiful. Don’t just focus on the days she is looking nice, this is what causes women to start over thinking issues with themselves. Women are attention seekers, so even if she complains that she is “ugly” after a compliment don’t let it get to you.

casmithis

You're welcome:flowerforyou: We've bend married 7 years but have been friends for nearly 20. Just be her friend is my best advice.

I wish there was a "like" button!!

MercenaryNoetic26

She needs to come to the realization that she is hott no matter what on her own. Don't give her BS compliments when she's feeling down. Doesn't seem like she appreciates if anyway.

I used to be like that. Mainly, after my first baby. I love wearing sweats and buns most of the time. I make it a point to snap my fingers at my man and remind him I'm hott (even when I look like ****) because you're right, at the end of the day, the turn on is confidence.

Nobody likes a whiny, needy partner. I came to that conclusion. Wish I could help, but she needs her own epiphany.

Kyrithys

first off, he said that he was wrong to throw away her hairbands. so everyone can just jump off that high horse.

My ex used to call it wrong and call himself scum every time he went through his little guilty "I'm so sorry" stage after he'd beaten me up. It didn't stop him doing it again and again each time he got in a mood until I left his sorry *kitten*.

throwing away headbands and domestic abuse are not the same thing.

The principle is the same.

He might call it wrong now, but recognising something as wrong isn't the same as apologising or deciding not to do it again.

It's not the same and it doesn't really apply to this situation. Leave your own personal stories at the door when you try to help someone else.

It is the same. I didn't say he beat her. I was pointing out that although he said it was wrong - it's not an apology and doesn't mean he won't do it again.

I only used my ex as an example of how just because someone says it's wrong is doesn't mean it won't happen again.

I'm not sure what exactly is so hard to understand about that to be honest.

glovepuppet

he's not abusive but he is clearly a muppet. i mean, ''women listen up'' is not something any intelligent men who understood women would ever say in seriousness unless he had a fetish for being abused and humiliated. ''women listen up''?? that alone tells me that he is likely to be waaaay off the mark with his judgements and actions, even though his heart is undoubtedly in the right place.

couples therapy has got to be worth considering, because the love is there but the understanding is not.

peachfigs

first off, he said that he was wrong to throw away her hairbands. so everyone can just jump off that high horse.

My ex used to call it wrong and call himself scum every time he went through his little guilty "I'm so sorry" stage after he'd beaten me up. It didn't stop him doing it again and again each time he got in a mood until I left his sorry *kitten*.

throwing away headbands and domestic abuse are not the same thing.

The principle is the same.

He might call it wrong now, but recognising something as wrong isn't the same as apologising or deciding not to do it again.

It's not the same and it doesn't really apply to this situation. Leave your own personal stories at the door when you try to help someone else.

It is the same. I didn't say he beat her. I was pointing out that although he said it was wrong - it's not an apology and doesn't mean he won't do it again.

I only used my ex as an example of how just because someone says it's wrong is doesn't mean it won't happen again.

I'm not sure what exactly is so hard to understand about that to be honest.

You know nothing about that situation. You weren't there, you don't know if he apologised, and you don't know if he will or won't do it again. Sounds like reading the hairband bit triggered you. I found it a bit jarring too, but it's better not to be too judgemental about it.