Frustration - Wife sabotages herself - women listen up
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Kyrithys ...... your way off on what this guy is trying to say "OP, I couldn't make it to the end of your hypocritical post because I couldn't believe you were on to dish out advice for women when you're one of the causes of your own wife's crumbling self-esteem."
do you really think this guy is trying to hurt his wives self esteem as he makes a huge post asking for advice on how to help her..... come one think a little before you bash someone
No I don't think he's doing it deliberately but I do think he's completely clueless that he is contributing to her unhappiness. You can't aggressively force someone to feel happier in themselves.
I tried to explain to him what he was doing wrong and offer advice. It's up to him to take it.
He is being a hypocrite in thinking that he can tell other women how to feel when he's struggling to make his own wife happy. Perhaps if he was a little more humble about it rather than blaming her for everything then I would have been more sympathetic.
Soooo right!!!!! Maybe he doesnt even realize what he's doing is destructive, thats my hope at least.0 -
no, he BELIEVES that. different thing entirely.he knows when she wears that stuff its her way of saying she isn't good enough
and, even if he's right, whining at her until she dresses in a way that she isn't comfortable with isn't going to do anything to help. it puts her in a lose/lose situation: either she feels uncomfortable and ridiculous in clothes she feels don't look right, or she feels like she's letting her husband down and failing to please him.
He is saying she dresses like that BECAUSE of her low self esteem.0 -
Wow...reading this almost made me feel like I was writing it. I am in a relationship with an incredibely beutiful woman. However, before we started dating, she went through some bad relationships and other bad times and in over a year of getting past those things she has gained about 15 lbs. She has always been focused on her looks and is always touching up her make-up and as she said " Always wants to be the best looking girl in the room." She is 31 and any one of my friends that meets her will tell me how beuatiful she is, however, in her mind, she is fat and hates the way she looks. During our time together, 4 months, I have noticed other Low Self Esteem issues materialize, so i am starting to understand how she feels and how to interact with her to make her feel beuatiful. But I can tell you that its a lot of work and sometimes draining. I have had to learn to respond to the "You know that I am fat" or "No, really, do you think I am a telly tuby" or " Oh, my god, I can't believe how awful I look, don't you think I look awful and fat" with tack. I have gotten to the point where I tell her, "I think you are so beautiful and you have an amazing body, however, what I think doesn't seem to help you feel the same way, so we have to figure out a way for you to be happy with yourself." At that point, she smiles and thanks me, but I know that she is probably thinking that I agreed with what she said. Since she is so concerned about her weight, BTW, she now weighs 123 lbs and 5'5", I initially made the mistake of talking about the full strength sodas, etc and of course that meant that I agreed with her that she was fat. Needless to say, i now simply ask her to go with me on my walks/jogs or to the gym as a way to relieve stress...Good Luck!!0
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Wow...reading this almost made me feel like I was writing it. I am in a relationship with an incredibely beutiful woman. However, before we started dating, she went through some bad relationships and other bad times and in over a year of getting past those things she has gained about 15 lbs. She has always been focused on her looks and is always touching up her make-up and as she said " Always wants to be the best looking girl in the room." She is 31 and any one of my friends that meets her will tell me how beuatiful she is, however, in her mind, she is fat and hates the way she looks. During our time together, 4 months, I have noticed other Low Self Esteem issues materialize, so i am starting to understand how she feels and how to interact with her to make her feel beuatiful. But I can tell you that its a lot of work and sometimes draining. I have had to learn to respond to the "You know that I am fat" or "No, really, do you think I am a telly tuby" or " Oh, my god, I can't believe how awful I look, don't you think I look awful and fat" with tack. I have gotten to the point where I tell her, "I think you are so beautiful and you have an amazing body, however, what I think doesn't seem to help you feel the same way, so we have to figure out a way for you to be happy with yourself." At that point, she smiles and thanks me, but I know that she is probably thinking that I agreed with what she said.
Very true. EXTREMELY TRUE.0 -
I really liked this post, and it sums up me and my husband perfectly.
He tells me I'm pretty, I dont believe him.....and I kind of get mad for him "lying" to me just to make me feel better. BUT confidence is sexy and I know I am lacking that right now. The only way to get my confidence back is to get to a weight where I am comfortable, if I like my body it shows and it makes him happy that I am happy. Sometimes he cant win, and we both know it.
And whats with the hair thing? My husband hates it when I pull my hair back, honestly I do it out of laziness more than anything.0 -
I have a working theory that we choose partners who reflect our opinion of ourselves.
Chapters ago, when I thought I was broken, I attracted and spent years with someone who was both willing to help "fix" me, BUT who also agreed that I was broken, and behaved accordingly.
I recognize the story being told here but I don't know the language anymore. And I'm so grateful.
::puts hair in ponytail, smiles, leaves::
YES!
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exactly. he is saying.
no, he BELIEVES that. different thing entirely.he knows when she wears that stuff its her way of saying she isn't good enough
and, even if he's right, whining at her until she dresses in a way that she isn't comfortable with isn't going to do anything to help. it puts her in a lose/lose situation: either she feels uncomfortable and ridiculous in clothes she feels don't look right, or she feels like she's letting her husband down and failing to please him.
He is saying she dresses like that BECAUSE of her low self esteem.
like i said earlier, i'm not going to put a lot of faith in the judgment of a guy who posts ''women listen up'' and doesn't know it'll blow up in his face. what he knows about women may well fit on the back of a postage stamp.
he says that's what she thinks.0 -
no, he BELIEVES that. different thing entirely.he knows when she wears that stuff its her way of saying she isn't good enough
and, even if he's right, whining at her until she dresses in a way that she isn't comfortable with isn't going to do anything to help. it puts her in a lose/lose situation: either she feels uncomfortable and ridiculous in clothes she feels don't look right, or she feels like she's letting her husband down and failing to please him.
This ^^ Intentional or not, the OP is adding to the problem. Some of the replies may be harsh, but if the OP really wants to help his wife, he'd do well to read them.0 -
Wow...reading this almost made me feel like I was writing it. I am in a relationship with an incredibely beutiful woman. However, before we started dating, she went through some bad relationships and other bad times and in over a year of getting past those things she has gained about 15 lbs. She has always been focused on her looks and is always touching up her make-up and as she said " Always wants to be the best looking girl in the room." She is 31 and any one of my friends that meets her will tell me how beuatiful she is, however, in her mind, she is fat and hates the way she looks. During our time together, 4 months, I have noticed other Low Self Esteem issues materialize, so i am starting to understand how she feels and how to interact with her to make her feel beuatiful. But I can tell you that its a lot of work and sometimes draining. I have had to learn to respond to the "You know that I am fat" or "No, really, do you think I am a telly tuby" or " Oh, my god, I can't believe how awful I look, don't you think I look awful and fat" with tack. I have gotten to the point where I tell her, "I think you are so beautiful and you have an amazing body, however, what I think doesn't seem to help you feel the same way, so we have to figure out a way for you to be happy with yourself." At that point, she smiles and thanks me, but I know that she is probably thinking that I agreed with what she said. Since she is so concerned about her weight, BTW, she now weighs 123 lbs and 5'5", I initially made the mistake of talking about the full strength sodas, etc and of course that meant that I agreed with her that she was fat. Needless to say, i now simply ask her to go with me on my walks/jogs or to the gym as a way to relieve stress...Good Luck!!
In my opinion this is different than the OPs wife, your girlfriend is seeking attention. His wife is shying away from it. completely differently issues, possibly the same solution but I'm not sure how to fix it to be honest.0 -
I have been with my husband for 31 years since I was 17, I had an absent father growing up , I did not get the male attention I needed growing up, I've had issues with feeling and looking pretty when I was younger, thankfully my husband hung in there with me and made me feel beautiful ect , I have had 3 babies with this man , body has changed as I grew up. Now I am over all that bull**** that comes from being young, it has to come from her, she has to see what you see, I got to grow up with my husband now god willing i get to grow old with him, if she is your forever wife, you need to hang in there so that when you are feeling old and losing your hair she will be there to support you, goodluck0
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Sorry to inform you; however your wife doesn't need your expectations to be a "trophy" or "perfect" looking wife all the time. Perhaps she is suffering and experiencing doubt due to your expectations? Did you ever consider that you convey to her that she is expected to look 100% all the time and when she doesn't she sees it in your eyes? Men comb their hair and put on their clothes to go somewhere, but women have five times that to get to the Barbi doll look men love. It gets old and it is WAY TO MUCH to expect from your wife every day.
Did you even read the post?!
His issue is not with the way she looks, but the fact that SHE hates the way she looks. There is a difference between being a confident tomboy and being so depressed you can hardly get out of bed in the morning, let alone take care of yourself.
I've been there. I was in an abusive relationship, miserable and convinced everyone in the world was disgusted with how I looked. I ballooned up to 265lbs, I didn't bother dressing neatly, messing with my hair, making myself presentable at all.
After I ditched the loser, lost 50lbs, started dressing like I wanted to be seen and not like I wanted to hide from the world.
People knocking the OP, re-read the post, love yourself and stop being man-haters.0 -
First off, you are awesome. I have great respect for any man who steps up and put thought and effort into why his wife may or may not be feeling a certain way about herself.
Is it possible your wife is suffering from some mild depression? Honestly I remember 22 being a rough age. Newly married, money is tight, still figuring out career stuff, thinking about starting a family, wondering if you can or ever will have the house you really want......it can be more overwhelming for some people than others. She's been married since she was 19-that is pretty young. She could very well be going through some personal issues-not marriage issues just inner self stuff. Does she have some sisters she could talk to or is she close to her mom? Maybe even a doc. There are some great meds on the market. Overthinking at age 22 is very common among women. It can manifest as sadness, depression, or the other spectrum...binge drinking, other things like that. I don't know your "situation" but hopefully this helps.
This one. I am also 22, newly married (about half as long as you have been, though), and deal with some of the same things your wife does.
My husband and I recently went through a little bit of counseling and it really helped me to pinpoint what is causing such problems for me... it all comes from my childhood and my parents, nothing I or my husband have done. Learning that not only helped me, but helped HIM to understand me, and now he is much more understanding about the way I feel and naturally handles it better because of it. (Not that you've handled it badly, except for the hair tie incident. ;-) You sound like a very caring husband who genuinely wants to do it right).0 -
exactly. he is saying.
no, he BELIEVES that. different thing entirely.he knows when she wears that stuff its her way of saying she isn't good enough
and, even if he's right, whining at her until she dresses in a way that she isn't comfortable with isn't going to do anything to help. it puts her in a lose/lose situation: either she feels uncomfortable and ridiculous in clothes she feels don't look right, or she feels like she's letting her husband down and failing to please him.
He is saying she dresses like that BECAUSE of her low self esteem.
like i said earlier, i'm not going to put a lot of faith in the judgment of a guy who posts ''women listen up'' and doesn't know it'll blow up in his face. what he knows about women may well fit on the back of a postage stamp.
he says that's what she thinks.
I have been married for 22 years to a beautiful sexy woman. How Beautiful? If I walk away from her, men are all over her. Sometimes, they don't even wait for me to walk away. That's how beautiful and sexy she is.
Before we go out, and when we get home, se will say how fat and disgusting she is. I will tell her how beautiful and sexy she is. She doesn't seem to care what I tell her. She is living in some sort of DELUSIONAL FOG she got from somewhere, I have no idea where, but somewhere.
I 100 percent understand what this guy is saying.0 -
I think you two might benefit from some professional intervention. After more then 27 years being married with lots and lots of challenges like raising three children and those challenges and changes in both our careers...both of us have been through a LOT of both physical and emotional changes and stresses. We're still together and stronger then ever. My weight loss (28 pounds and 4 dress sizes) was / is a positive thing, but it made no difference on the strength of our marriage. I think there are bigger things going on then what you are sharing.0
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I have a working theory that we choose partners who reflect our opinion of ourselves.
Chapters ago, when I thought I was broken, I attracted and spent years with someone who was both willing to help "fix" me, BUT who also agreed that I was broken, and behaved accordingly.
I recognize the story being told here but I don't know the language anymore. And I'm so grateful.
::puts hair in ponytail, smiles, leaves::
YES!
Truer words have never been spoken. We accept the love we think we deserve.
When I first moved to PA, I was down and out with a low self esteem and few friends around. I attracted and dated (for a year and half) the worst kind of guy and he screwed me in the end. I truly believe that if I had been in a better place, with a better support network, he wouldn't have been in my life for long.0 -
i'm harsh. i completely fail to respond to ''i'm sooo fat!''. i compliment people, but not while they're on a self loathing line. why? subconsciously, every time she self loathes you pile on a huge reward.se will say how fat and disgusting she is. I will tell her how beautiful and sexy she is.
our society doesn't reward confident women. ''she's pretty, yeah, but doesn't she know it!'' like knowing you're attractive is a flaw. a woman saying she looks great rarely gets a good response.
but a beautiful woman who feels ugly? society loves it! it's so sweet, she's so special!! and when she says she hates herself everyone spends a nice, long time telling her she is great.
it's pretty basic programming, drip fed to women from childhood.0 -
I don't wear make up. I don't spend time on my hair very often. I don't dress up much.We have a society that thinks women have to be objects to be looked at. I don't buy into it, but it's all around. I have 2 girls and 2 granddaughters. I'm smart, they are smart. Their self worth and confidence has nothing at all to do with how they look. Thats the way it ought to be. Yeah it's nice to look good and give out the effort, thats different than basing your judgement of someone's value of themselves on their effort to dress up and fix themselves. Fail. The women's lack of confidence problem is actually because of judgements like this. They buy into becuase: it's forced on women and girls at a young age that looking good, being skinny, making other people feel good and putting their comfort and wishes aside while hiding their real awesomeness is what makes them worthwhile.
Encouraging someone is different than finding fault. I don't think my husband even noticed when I was fat. He loved me when I was skinny and beautiful, he loved when I dressed up. He does have opinion about my hair and clothes he doesn't like, but my confidence is best when I do what I want and what I think is best for me and allow myself to be myself.
Being pretty is a flaw, being ugly is a flaw, being stuck up or confident is a flaw, being opinionated or smart or supervisory is a flaw. Quit giving women flaws. We are human, all different with different best qualities, have more value than our looks, and not stepford wives. Unrestrictive clothes make me feel awesome. Comfortable is not a flaw.0 -
A woman does not need a male savior to teach her the way (I guess the whole "women listen up" and "women are like this and that" rubbed me off the wrong way). Maybe your wife does not need you to tell her what to do, but instead needs you to support her. Just share the road with her, with its ups and downs. Compliment her when she's sporting a ponytail with baggy pants and compliment her when she's all dressed up. Your heart might be in the right place, but you seem to be going at it in the wrong way.0
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A little off topic here but I find it incredibly sad that women feel fat and ugly at 123lbs....:frown:Wow...reading this almost made me feel like I was writing it. I am in a relationship with an incredibely beutiful woman. However, before we started dating, she went through some bad relationships and other bad times and in over a year of getting past those things she has gained about 15 lbs. She has always been focused on her looks and is always touching up her make-up and as she said " Always wants to be the best looking girl in the room." She is 31 and any one of my friends that meets her will tell me how beuatiful she is, however, in her mind, she is fat and hates the way she looks. During our time together, 4 months, I have noticed other Low Self Esteem issues materialize, so i am starting to understand how she feels and how to interact with her to make her feel beuatiful. But I can tell you that its a lot of work and sometimes draining. I have had to learn to respond to the "You know that I am fat" or "No, really, do you think I am a telly tuby" or " Oh, my god, I can't believe how awful I look, don't you think I look awful and fat" with tack. I have gotten to the point where I tell her, "I think you are so beautiful and you have an amazing body, however, what I think doesn't seem to help you feel the same way, so we have to figure out a way for you to be happy with yourself." At that point, she smiles and thanks me, but I know that she is probably thinking that I agreed with what she said. Since she is so concerned about her weight, BTW, she now weighs 123 lbs and 5'5", I initially made the mistake of talking about the full strength sodas, etc and of course that meant that I agreed with her that she was fat. Needless to say, i now simply ask her to go with me on my walks/jogs or to the gym as a way to relieve stress...Good Luck!!0 -
I don't care who he is. He came on here asking for advice, and everyone is jumping down his throat for something he didn't actually say. Totally not cool. He's not paternalistic, he's a concerned and stressed out husband who is trying to help his wife, and really, people getting on his case for something he didn't say isn't going to help him OR his wife.
Honestly, all I'm getting out of this is that you reeeally need to go back and reread the OPs post because he didn't say or imply that at all.
Wow. So you would end your marriage over a few dollars worth of hair ties. Wow.I'm a woman who feels more comfortable with my hair pulled back, some jeans, and a t-shirt. If my husband ever threw my hairbands away, and told me that I needed to make myself more presentable, he would not be my husband. Shame on you. She's not your trophy.
Sorry, but after reading that part, I couldn't even make it to the end.
I suspect it's what those hair ties represent. Maybe I'm in the minority but I've had the luxury of being with partners who can be supportive without being paternalistic and I have faith that I will always continue to attract that sort of man. The thought of having such low self-worth that I'd accept a partner who would toss away my hair ties before boasting of his nice guy creds to strangers on the internet is appalling.
No, I reeeeally don't need to reread his post. I've read it and came away feeling very sad for his wife, nothing more. People need to accept that they can't mould their partners into a preconceived ideal. The OP is not Henry Higgins.0
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