Frustration - Wife sabotages herself - women listen up

pg3ibew

I think some of you are being a bit harsh on him.

My wife will stand in front of the mirror and look at herself in disgust. She will put on a simple pair of jeans, small wedge shoe, t-shirt and leather jacket and hat and go to the store. At the stores, I basically have to beat guys AND girls off of her.

I turn to her and say, "20 minutes ago, you were looking at yourself and feeling disgusted. Please understand, when "I" tell you that you look awesome, you should believe me."

There is a thread running in here about women feeling terrible when trying on clothes. Take a look at it. It will help you all understand the point this young fella is trying to make.

daphne_m

I'm a woman who feels more comfortable with my hair pulled back, some jeans, and a t-shirt. If my husband ever threw my hairbands away, and told me that I needed to make myself more presentable, he would not be my husband. Shame on you. She's not your trophy.

Sorry, but after reading that part, I couldn't even make it to the end.

Wow. So you would end your marriage over a few dollars worth of hair ties. Wow.

I suspect it's what those hair ties represent. Maybe I'm in the minority but I've had the luxury of being with partners who can be supportive without being paternalistic and I have faith that I will always continue to attract that sort of man. The thought of having such low self-worth that I'd accept a partner who would toss away my hair ties before boasting of his nice guy creds to strangers on the internet is appalling.

justaweighin

If that's how she feels, that is how she feels.

Maybe sometime's she might like it if you joined her in joggers and an old T-Shirt for just a cuddle while you watch TV. You might unintentionally be making her feel like she's not good enough for you when your telling her about her hair or making the effort.

Sometimes it does you good to "slob" it around the home so you feel special when you do make the effort.

Hope it works out for the best, and Thank You for caring about her

squirrelzzrule22

I agree with the above quote!! Everyone who responded totally missed the point he was trying to make!! And mainly the woman that are responding saying 'He's such a terrible husband because he threw away her headbands or doesn't want her to gain 50 lbs'.. Why be so hung up on those two sentences (which was taken out of context by most of the responders here) and missed everything else he was saying. What's wrong with you people!?:huh: :huh:

As someone who responded, I didn't miss the point he was trying to make. I understood he was trying to say "My wife has low self esteem and I would like to help her fix it."

However, a lot of the words and phrases he used to try to make that point sent up red flags that suggested that there was something else entirely at play here.

If he is sincere in wanting to help his wife, he'll take the good from this thread and use it. If he's saying one thing but has underlying motives that some of his word choices seemed to betray, hopefully he will become aware of them and move to fix them.

In any event, I wish he and his wife well.

Agree completely. I'm sure he genuinely wants her to feel better, but he is clearly not seeing how some of his behavior is extremely destructive towards that goal.

And to anyone who has made this comment- yes, I think I would end a relationship with someone who destroyed my personal hygiene products when it wasn't some sort of joke or goof, or maybe in the heat of an argument about a much more significant issue. But if it was because he didn't want me to put my hair up... That type of subversive control is deeply uncomfortable to me. Others may feel differently,but that's me.

Improvised

I'm a woman who feels more comfortable with my hair pulled back, some jeans, and a t-shirt. If my husband ever threw my hairbands away, and told me that I needed to make myself more presentable, he would not be my husband. Shame on you. She's not your trophy.

Sorry, but after reading that part, I couldn't even make it to the end.

Wow. So you would end your marriage over a few dollars worth of hair ties. Wow.

I suspect it's what those hair ties represent. Maybe I'm in the minority but I've had the luxury of being with partners who can be supportive without being paternalistic and I have faith that I will always continue to attract that sort of man. The thought of having such low self-worth that I'd accept a partner who would toss away my hair ties before boasting of his nice guy creds to strangers on the internet is appalling.

Honestly, all I'm getting out of this is that you reeeally need to go back and reread the OPs post because he didn't say or imply that at all.

Hellbent_Heidi

One of the biggest places in my opinion, and most men can probably agree with me on this, that is affected by the self image problems is intimacy settings. Having your wife being hung up some self image problem while your trying to be intimate is extremely annoying and frustrating, might I add even selfish on her part. I am trying to express my love in the most sincere and sacred of ways that I have vowed not to share with anyone else, and she is worried about being fat, or not pretty enough.

I didn't read all of the responses, but this part is definitely a younger woman's issue. We hit our sexual prime in our 30's, and by then we're past the whole "OMG he's seeing me naked' part, and have a better understanding about our own wants & needs (and usually aren't afraid to ask for it!) :blushing:

Good luck with your wife...you seem like a good guy and hopefully she will grow out of some of these self-esteem issues with time. Be patient with her...its not easy being a girl!

synthomarsh

everyone who gave this guy a hard time about the hair band and baggie clothes thing needs to re-read what he actually said,

I dont know if all women are like this, but for my wife, getting ready and looking presentable is important to her because that means she cares enough about herself to actually invest time in to herself. The times when she hides her hair, and puts on baggy clothes just drives me nuts, not because I dont like the up-do or baggy clothes, but because she is figuratively saying to herself "I am not pretty enough to get ready" We have gotten into arguments about her hair, and I have thrown her hair-bands away (that was wrong) so she wouldn't hide her hair. She has beautiful hair by the way.

It has nothing to do with him not liking how it looks, he knows when she wears that stuff its her way of saying she isn't good enough and he doesn't want to support that behavior because she normally invests time and gets ready to go out.


Kyrithys ...... your way off on what this guy is trying to say "OP, I couldn't make it to the end of your hypocritical post because I couldn't believe you were on to dish out advice for women when you're one of the causes of your own wife's crumbling self-esteem."

do you really think this guy is trying to hurt his wives self esteem as he makes a huge post asking for advice on how to help her..... come one think a little before you bash someone

So here is my opinion I am kinda going a little bit through the same thing my situation I am engaged and my Fiance and I are both getting in shape working out for each other and the wedding, I i have lost 15 lbs she hasn't lost any, but i was 195 and she is only like 124 and she is stunningly hot. She gets hit on all the time by guys she has an incredible figure. But she is Brazilian and they are even more self conscience than your typical American, so she has been obsessing about not loosing any weight ( i dont think she needs, i think she is suuuuuper hot and i can't stress this enough) even to the point where she can't sleep at night. She read on some website that she should weigh 100 lbs and is stressing out so bad about trying to loose 24 lbs. I personally think if she lost that much she would look sickly and loose her amazing curves and figure. Every time I try to tell her how hot and pretty I think she is she quickly responds with "I am a whale" or something of that sort. I know a lot of it has to do with wedding stress or whatever I finally think I was able to tell her something the other day that calmed her down (mind you everyone is totally different so it may have only worked with her)

When I kept just saying i think she looks good she would always belittle herself right after so that isnt the approach. I simply told her that I completely love her for who she is, I think she is beautiful the way she is now and if she never lost another pound for the rest of her life I would always love her and be with her, I wouldn't trade her for anyone. Even if she gets super fat (kinda like the 50lb comment) I will still love her and want to spend my whole life with her So stop stressing about how you look because I think she is perfect for me no matter what. and I think that got through to her. at least she said she would stop stressing out about it.

so try to maybe appeal to her as a person and not just complement her beauty. When it comes down to it all anyone really wants is to know that their significant other has their back and will always love them and be supportive no matter what happens, unconditional love.

It seemed to work for now but the problem isn't me or the OP its the way the media and society puts such pressure on woman to look a certain barbie doll way. Believe me if I posted my Fiances picture 2 things would happen 1 she would kill me but 2 you would all agree she honestly looks great and for her to loose 24 pounds is just silly. I wish i could punch whoever made the website that said she should be 100 lbs right in the @#$%. because of that she has soo much stress she doesn't need.

so woman who are against our OP just think about it from our point of view for a second we love our women and when we try to tell you that we think your pretty or hot or whatever and you respond with "no I am a fat whale" its almost like saying to us that our opinion is not as important as some @#%#$ that made a website saying they should be 100 lbs and its hurtful because the only person whos opinion about my looks that matter to me is hers. So long as she thinks I look good I seriously could care less what the rest the world thinks and as men we want to be able to comfort you the way you comfort us like that.

and to everyone who is supportive of the OP thank you for stepping out of it and seeing it from someone else's point of view this guy poured his heart out and doesn't deserve people talking to him like he sucks and he is using his wife as a trophy you missed the whole point because you couldn't see it from a different angle.

Jennisin1

I wear comfy clothes, no make up and pull my hair back sometimes.... it doesn't mean I think I don't deserve to look pretty... it means... I think I look good even without painting my face or fixing my hair or wearing tight clothes...

I get lots of compliments even without makeup....

I would think not feeling the need to disguise yourself to fit into some artificial mold and expect the world and your husband to still find you attractive would be a good indicator that you think pretty highly of yourself.

Kyrithys

In any case, until anyone can prove that saying "I was wrong" is concrete proof of anything at all, I believe my point stands.

Or we could just go down the route of you have your opinion, and I have mine.

Yeah if you want. I'm really not all that bothered either way.:flowerforyou:

It is a fact however that some people who say "that was wrong" won't do whatever it was again and some people who say "that was wrong" will do it again anyway.

Although my posts regarding this weren't directly referring to OP (I made a different post for him earlier on), I'd like to believe that OP learned his lesson, apologised, doesn't do it again and took some advice from some people on this thread on how to treat her better. Maybe he even bought her some more hair bands to replace the ones he threw out, who knows? At the end of the day only he can decide what he does.

Kyrithys

Oops, double post. :happy:

llamalland

I'm a woman who feels more comfortable with my hair pulled back, some jeans, and a t-shirt. If my husband ever threw my hairbands away, and told me that I needed to make myself more presentable, he would not be my husband. Shame on you. She's not your trophy.[/quote}

While I am decades older than your wife, I went thru many years of not leaving home without at least lipstick and mascara and NEVER in sweatpants, etc..... over the years, I became less and less concerned what other people thought of me, and realized that when I was so fussy that no one see me w/o my minimum makeup, THAT is when I was lacking self confidence. Now, if I just don't feel like making an effort to do more, I just brush my teeth, finger-comb my hair into a pony tail, and maybe- maybe, add a little lipstick. I am MORE confident!

There times when a woman feels like putting more effort into her looks, other times when it really doesn't matter.... obviously, there are situations that demand certain apparel and degree of care with hair and make up, but for the quick little errands or just hanging around home, don't sweat it.

Yes, she is VERY young, and is likely going thru stage-of-life insecurities. Unless there are underlying medical issues, she'll come thru it in good time.

Also, while it is wonderfully refreshing to see a man who can articulate his thoughts- and is clearly wanting to be a loving, supportive husband -sometimes we all (OP included), and over think things. Not every action "means something!"

Just love her. You'll both be fine.

Improvised

Synthomarsh is spot on 100%.

xXxHBICxXx

atla_moves-what she said . I do what your wife does all the time and I am two years older than her but I constantly feel like .... i'm not pretty enough, i'm not sexy enough there have even been times when I have apologized TO MY HUSBAND for gaining a little weight "I'm sorry i've let myself go and I would understand if you weren't attracted to me anymore" It's humiliating to say that in such a pubic way, but I believe in this topic. Women are beaten down with the image of what we "should be" and in some cases we are overlooked because we can never look the way some people think we should. Your wife will have to learn to love herself, she will have to find her own self value and she will. I am working on mine as well.

peachfigs

In any case, until anyone can prove that saying "I was wrong" is concrete proof of anything at all, I believe my point stands.

Or we could just go down the route of you have your opinion, and I have mine.

Yeah if you want. I'm really not all that bothered either way.:flowerforyou:

It is a fact however that some people who say "that was wrong" won't do whatever it was again and some people who say "that was wrong" will do it again anyway.

Although my posts regarding this weren't directly referring to OP (I made a different post for him earlier on), I'd like to believe that OP learned his lesson, apologised, doesn't do it again and took some advice from some people on this thread on how to treat her better. Maybe he even bought her some more hair bands to replace the ones he threw out, who knows? At the end of the day only he can decide what he does.

edit:

Never mind. Not even worth it.

Kaylaef

I'm a woman who feels more comfortable with my hair pulled back, some jeans, and a t-shirt. If my husband ever threw my hairbands away, and told me that I needed to make myself more presentable, he would not be my husband. Shame on you. She's not your trophy.

Sorry, but after reading that part, I couldn't even make it to the end.

It is quite possible that one of us or both of us is missing the point. My point is that I really don't care what she looks like, as long as she cares about her self.

What I think you are getting at is that I want her to look a certain way, therefore I throw away her headbands etc.

I read this in a different way. because I am kinda of similar. I am a very sexual person, but sometimes I feel soooo UGLY. My husband absolutely adores me in whatever--no make up, nothing he till finds me incredibly sexy. BUT he finds me sexier when I am dancing around the room getting ready and feeling good about myself. Its hard to do sometimes. But in the back of my mind, I know I could put on 140 lbs, and he would still think I was a bombshell.

Kyrithys

Kyrithys ...... your way off on what this guy is trying to say "OP, I couldn't make it to the end of your hypocritical post because I couldn't believe you were on to dish out advice for women when you're one of the causes of your own wife's crumbling self-esteem."

do you really think this guy is trying to hurt his wives self esteem as he makes a huge post asking for advice on how to help her..... come one think a little before you bash someone

No I don't think he's doing it deliberately but I do think he's completely clueless that he is contributing to her unhappiness. You can't aggressively force someone to feel happier in themselves.

I tried to explain to him what he was doing wrong and offer advice. It's up to him to take it.

He is being a hypocrite in thinking that he can tell other women how to feel when he's struggling to make his own wife happy. Perhaps if he was a little more humble about it rather than blaming her for everything then I would have been more sympathetic.

daphne_m

I'm a woman who feels more comfortable with my hair pulled back, some jeans, and a t-shirt. If my husband ever threw my hairbands away, and told me that I needed to make myself more presentable, he would not be my husband. Shame on you. She's not your trophy.

Sorry, but after reading that part, I couldn't even make it to the end.

Wow. So you would end your marriage over a few dollars worth of hair ties. Wow.

I suspect it's what those hair ties represent. Maybe I'm in the minority but I've had the luxury of being with partners who can be supportive without being paternalistic and I have faith that I will always continue to attract that sort of man. The thought of having such low self-worth that I'd accept a partner who would toss away my hair ties before boasting of his nice guy creds to strangers on the internet is appalling.

Honestly, all I'm getting out of this is that you reeeally need to go back and reread the OPs post because he didn't say or imply that at all.

No, I reeeeally don't need to reread his post. I've read it and came away feeling very sad for his wife, nothing more. People need to accept that they can't mould their partners into a preconceived ideal. The OP is not Henry Higgins.

pg3ibew

everyone who gave this guy a hard time about the hair band and baggie clothes thing needs to re-read what he actually said,

I dont know if all women are like this, but for my wife, getting ready and looking presentable is important to her because that means she cares enough about herself to actually invest time in to herself. The times when she hides her hair, and puts on baggy clothes just drives me nuts, not because I dont like the up-do or baggy clothes, but because she is figuratively saying to herself "I am not pretty enough to get ready" We have gotten into arguments about her hair, and I have thrown her hair-bands away (that was wrong) so she wouldn't hide her hair. She has beautiful hair by the way.

It has nothing to do with him not liking how it looks, he knows when she wears that stuff its her way of saying she isn't good enough and he doesn't want to support that behavior because she normally invests time and gets ready to go out.


Kyrithys ...... your way off on what this guy is trying to say "OP, I couldn't make it to the end of your hypocritical post because I couldn't believe you were on to dish out advice for women when you're one of the causes of your own wife's crumbling self-esteem."

do you really think this guy is trying to hurt his wives self esteem as he makes a huge post asking for advice on how to help her..... come one think a little before you bash someone

So here is my opinion I am kinda going a little bit through the same thing my situation I am engaged and my Fiance and I are both getting in shape working out for each other and the wedding, I i have lost 15 lbs she hasn't lost any, but i was 195 and she is only like 124 and she is stunningly hot. She gets hit on all the time by guys she has an incredible figure. But she is Brazilian and they are even more self conscience than your typical American, so she has been obsessing about not loosing any weight ( i dont think she needs, i think she is suuuuuper hot and i can't stress this enough) even to the point where she can't sleep at night. She read on some website that she should weigh 100 lbs and is stressing out so bad about trying to loose 24 lbs. I personally think if she lost that much she would look sickly and loose her amazing curves and figure. Every time I try to tell her how hot and pretty I think she is she quickly responds with "I am a whale" or something of that sort. I know a lot of it has to do with wedding stress or whatever I finally think I was able to tell her something the other day that calmed her down (mind you everyone is totally different so it may have only worked with her)

When I kept just saying i think she looks good she would always belittle herself right after so that isnt the approach. I simply told her that I completely love her for who she is, I think she is beautiful the way she is now and if she never lost another pound for the rest of her life I would always love her and be with her, I wouldn't trade her for anyone. Even if she gets super fat (kinda like the 50lb comment) I will still love her and want to spend my whole life with her So stop stressing about how you look because I think she is perfect for me no matter what. and I think that got through to her. at least she said she would stop stressing out about it.

so try to maybe appeal to her as a person and not just complement her beauty. When it comes down to it all anyone really wants is to know that their significant other has their back and will always love them and be supportive no matter what happens, unconditional love.

It seemed to work for now but the problem isn't me or the OP its the way the media and society puts such pressure on woman to look a certain barbie doll way. Believe me if I posted my Fiances picture 2 things would happen 1 she would kill me but 2 you would all agree she honestly looks great and for her to loose 24 pounds is just silly. I wish i could punch whoever made the website that said she should be 100 lbs right in the @#$%. because of that she has soo much stress she doesn't need.

so woman who are against our OP just think about it from our point of view for a second we love our women and when we try to tell you that we think your pretty or hot or whatever and you respond with "no I am a fat whale" its almost like saying to us that our opinion is not as important as some @#%#$ that made a website saying they should be 100 lbs and its hurtful because the only person whos opinion about my looks that matter to me is hers. So long as she thinks I look good I seriously could care less what the rest the world thinks and as men we want to be able to comfort you the way you comfort us like that.

and to everyone who is supportive of the OP thank you for stepping out of it and seeing it from someone else's point of view this guy poured his heart out and doesn't deserve people talking to him like he sucks and he is using his wife as a trophy you missed the whole point because you couldn't see it from a different angle.

10000000 percent agree with this.
But I am sure you will get bashed for this, like the OP, LMAO

The other side of the coin is, if you DON'T say anything, my wife thinks I don't love her and she is fat.

glovepuppet

he knows when she wears that stuff its her way of saying she isn't good enough

no, he BELIEVES that. different thing entirely.

and, even if he's right, whining at her until she dresses in a way that she isn't comfortable with isn't going to do anything to help. it puts her in a lose/lose situation: either she feels uncomfortable and ridiculous in clothes she feels don't look right, or she feels like she's letting her husband down and failing to please him.

Carolyn_79

I think a lot of self-esteem issues get better with age. She's only 22 years old which is young. When I was 22 I wasn't comfortable with myself either but 11 years later and I'm a different person. I have tons of confidence.