Frustration - Wife sabotages herself - women listen up

lizziebeth1028

I have been married for 3 years now. I am 27 (190lbs) and my wife is 22 (122lbs). She is a really wonderful, beautiful, sexy woman that I am happy I married. We have our problems like most couples do, but I think we are very lucky to have each other.

My wife has a problem that I think many women have - self confidence. I wanted to write a little about how a woman's lack in confidence is not just destructive to herself, but to those she is closest with. I hope that in some ways I can reach out and inspire women to change for the better. I also want to preface that I am in no way a master of the ways of women, and much of what I say is simply my opinion. All that said, I believe most of you will agree that loving, respecting, and appreciating one's self are unavoidably essential to happiness.

I would rather my wife be 10 lbs heavier and feel sexy, than 10lbs lighter and feel pathetic. She is so much more attractive when she acts like she is worth something, than almost anything else she can do. Thats not to say I want her to gain 50lbs, because I dont, but I do want her to feel good about herself.

I dont know if all women are like this, but for my wife, getting ready and looking presentable is important to her because that means she cares enough about herself to actually invest time in to herself. The times when she hides her hair, and puts on baggy clothes just drives me nuts, not because I dont like the up-do or baggy clothes, but because she is figuratively saying to herself "I am not pretty enough to get ready" We have gotten into arguments about her hair, and I have thrown her hair-bands away (that was wrong) so she wouldn't hide her hair. She has beautiful hair by the way.

It has gotten to the point where I can't even give her a heart felt compliment anymore, like "oh you look really pretty" or "your really good at science" or "your hair looks so nice and shiny" because she thinks I am lying. I still do because I think everyone needs positive reinforcement, and part of me just feels like saying nice things anyway.

One of the biggest places in my opinion, and most men can probably agree with me on this, that is affected by the self image problems is intimacy settings. Having your wife being hung up some self image problem while your trying to be intimate is extremely annoying and frustrating, might I add even selfish on her part. I am trying to express my love in the most sincere and sacred of ways that I have vowed not to share with anyone else, and she is worried about being fat, or not pretty enough.

This leads me directly into my next point, that is, if you self sabotage by thinking you're of no worth, it will inevitably happen. For example, my wife is worried about not being pretty enough for me. On the one hand I am flattered that she cares enough about "my opinion" (ill discuss this in the next paragraph), but after a while of her constant self belittlement, she actually starts to become less attractive to me, hence becoming what she so badly did not want to become.

Is it my opinion she is seeking approval from?. At first, I really thought she was just trying to look good for me. What can I say, I was flattered. Now I can tell you that though she does care somewhat of what I think about her,but an overwhelming majority of her feelings are concerned with the way she feels and thinks about her self. A lot of this is just transposed on to me in such a way that she is asking me what I think. I realized about a year ago that to a degree, it really didn't matter what I thought at all.

So how can this be fixed? Well, I am happy to say that this is open discussion thus helpful hints would be appreciated. What I can say is that things are getting better as far as my wife's self confidence. She's making an increased effort to get ready, workout, and maintain a healthy lifestyle. I think in doing these things, she has learned that she is worth a great deal more than she thought. Thanks for reading, feel free to respond.

"We have gotten into arguments about her hair, and I have thrown her hair-bands away (that was wrong) so she wouldn't hide her hair". Yea.....you lost me at this part. Jesus!!.. let the woman have a relaxed dressed down day once in awhile and quit over analyzing it.

ItsCasey

I am also amazed by how many people just quit reading at the part about throwing his wife's hair bands away. Did you miss the part where he admitted he was wrong to do that? He was frustrated. He did something he now realizes he shouldn't have done. Get past it.

I wanted to write a little about how a woman's lack in confidence is not just destructive to herself, but to those she is closest with.

This was the OP's main point, from my perspective. His wife's feelings about her body are interfering with their marriage, and he is entitled to be frustrated by that. He's not telling her to "fix herself up" because he's ashamed of her or because he wants a trophy. He thinks that if she looks better, she will feel better about herself. And given that he's been married to her for 3 years, it's a safe bet that he knows her better than anyone else here.

I would say maybe one thing the OP doesn't understand is that for women, self-confidence is not a switch that can be turned on and off like a light, and it's not just about our clothes or our hair. There are days when I can put on a sexy dress and feel like a Victoria's Secret model, and the very next day, I could put on the same dress and feel like a whale.

But, for those who are criticizing the OP for not merely accepting his wife's difficulties, men can't just turn off their feelings either. His wife is hurting, and he doesn't know how to fix it, which annoys, frustrates, and probably scares him a little. Telling him to get over it because she's not a trophy is just as unhelpful as telling his wife to get over it and start dressing better.

There are no simple solutions here, but if a woman feels this way all the time (that is, she never has days when she feels beautiful and sexy), therapy may be an option.

MireyGal76

as I'm the millionth person to respond to this, i clearly didn't read all the comments and i dont know if the OP will read this but...this sounds similar to the situation between me and my husband. I'm 24, hes 30. we've been married for almost 3 years, together for 6. I have struggled with weight and self esteem issues for as long as i can remember. even at a size zero I had a completely skewed concept of beauty and thought i was too big.
when we first started dating, everything was great. he thought i was attractive and let me know it. I craved the attention and relished all his affection. As the newness wore off, I settled back into my own doubts and insecurities and it has trickled into the bedroom. We are very rarely intimate and I know it hurts him. You say its selfish and i understand that. We have fought sooooo many times about this. He tells me it hurts when i push him away, it makes HIM feel like HE isnt good enough. In reality i just dont want him to see me in my current post baby body.
I understand how frustrated you must be feeling but let me tell you what I wish HE would do, maybe that would help.

-someone suggested buying her pretty lingerie and telling her you hope she feels as pretty in it as you know she is. my advice? DON'T. if my husband bought me lingerie it would honestly probably make me feel worse...like the only gift he would want to buy me are things to make me feel fatter, uglier, and MORE uncomfortable. not many women feel great about their bodies and feeling like they need to show you the lingerie you just spent good money on might make her feel pressured. how about you buy her some hair ties and sweatpants and tell her she DOESN'T NEED to get dressed up to be attractive.

one of the biggest things we fight about is intimacy..our therapist suggested we spend 15 minutes at least twice a week completely naked- but NO INTIMACY. she literally suggested that we sit across from each other completely nude and hold hands. touch each others hair. any touching that is not sexual. her hope is that I can learn to be comfortable being naked without feeling pressured to have sex. (to clarify, mu husband has NEVER EVER pressured me in any way, i just feel bad and obligated and selfish. it should be a normal part of a healthy marriage).

as far as the non intimate stuff, hair ties, sweatpants, whatever. let it go dude. let her wear whatever she wants. she will look the most beautiful in whatever SHE is comfortable in.

STATEMENT IN BOLD ABOVE - THIS EXACTLY!!!

HannahJDiaz25

As a self admitted tom boy all my life, my own preference is to be in basketball shorts and a shirt with cut off sleeves or a "beater" during the summer and sweats and hoodie during the winter. I own several pairs of sweats and shorts and t-shirts so I am prepared daily to strip out of my work apparel into my more comfy clothes. I will also admit that I have never had a big self esteem issue. I have always been pretty confident in myself, sometimes too confident.

My husband on the other hand has been in relationships where he was cheated on and it has effected his psyche. As wonderful a husband as he is to me, I know he was no saint with anyone else. I think he finally fell in love and gave himself completely to me. ANYWAY!

He loves to see me dressed up in my pencil skirts and snug tops. He likes to be able to see my curves. He jokes by saying he enjoys seeing me as woman and not a 13 year old boy in my "comfy clothes". He enjoys getting dressed up. He likes to "look good" in his ties and dress shirts and slacks. I can't get out of that crap fast enough. We are completely different people in what is "comfy". Can't change that no matter how hard we try. I am an accountant and wear the business casual attire everyday for the last 7 years and I still hate it.

I have learned that with my husband, it's not a matter of physical appearance that his self-esteem is low, it's a matter of how he feels about himself and his self-worth as a whole, its a mental issue. He knows I find him attractive. He knows I love him. He knows our children adore him. He knows I will never cheat on him, But that didn't change how he felt mentally about himself. It tooks years before he has finally overcame that hinderance. And it's still there on occasion because of the questions he asks me from time to time. It became a really big issue when he started questioning my love for him. It was then that I told him that when I am giving all I have to him and the love he seeks in his "love language" and he is still questioning my love then it will become an issue in our relationship. Only the person suffering from the self-esteem issue can overcome it. We as the significant others can only provide a positive environment for the recovery. As tiring as it may seem, we knew before we married our spoused what their flaws were and we married them anyway. Getting married isn't going to change them overnight.

I would recommend reading the 5 Love Languages. Maybe the way you are showing you love her isn't the way she responds to love. I am the type that you have to show me by doing things: helping me clean the house, changing my tire for me, pulling my chair out at dinner. My husband's love language is touch: my touching him as I walk by him in the hallway, a sudden embrace for no reason, cuddling on the couch, back massages.

My 2 cents anyway. Good luck!!

So True...The Five love languages is a great book too...can't recommend it enough!

ajbaccou

I don't think its any man's job to validate any woman. I believe that as young women we hit a rough patch, something happen to change our self image. It should be addressed by a professional who can address this. Perhaps something happened that changed her mind.

luv_lea

This post made me so thankful for my significant other.

I have a lot of self confidence problems/insecurities and he is SO patient with me, and honestly believes I look best in my 'natural state' without all the makeup and hair all done up.

thecanface

I'm a woman who feels more comfortable with my hair pulled back, some jeans, and a t-shirt. If my husband ever threw my hairbands away, and told me that I needed to make myself more presentable, he would not be my husband. Shame on you. She's not your trophy.

Sorry, but after reading that part, I couldn't even make it to the end.

.........really??? geeeez...

3foldchord

**As far as the compliments you give that she doesn't believe or accept... Maybe she s just not a 'words' person. I am not. words mean very little to me. I know my husband things all those great things about me- but NOT because he tells/compliments me (which he does- he IS a words person)- but by how he treats me. "time and actions' are what speak to me.

I dont know if all women are like this, but for my wife, getting ready and looking presentable is important to her because that means she cares enough about herself to actually invest time in to herself.

This is where I stopped at first....

My first thoughts to this sentence were "wait till you two have 3 kids under 4. Ponytail and sweats means "I have not gotten to shower in two days or sleep in 3 nights and I have changed more poopy diapers then anyone should every have to. Be thankful these sweats are at CLEAN(ish)..."

I did go back a read through the rest, though

You sound like to love her and want her to feel good about herself, but if my husband seemed that controlling over my attire, I,d feel bad about my looks, too.



You say you want hr to have better self image and like her body the way it is, but if you get upset over how she dresses are you good with her body how it is? that's not the message I would get in that situation.

If you love her pretty hair.. Love it just as much in a ponytail if that's how she feels comfortable!
If you lover her body; love her body in baggy pants just as much as a tight sexy skirt.

Sometimes the way we dress is not all about you and what you want to see, but how much time we have or how our hair feels or how little sleep we have gotten. all those cute, sexy outfits are usually UNcomfortable! makeup and jewelry can be uncomfortable even if we are tired or have aheadache. (or is that just me??)

and if she is having a hard time, maybe give her pace, let her be who she needs to be.... take her on dates (where she doesn't have to dress up- like rock climbing!)
wash dishes or do laundry without her asking, etc.

SlimSumday

I'm a woman who feels more comfortable with my hair pulled back, some jeans, and a t-shirt. If my husband ever threw my hairbands away, and told me that I needed to make myself more presentable, he would not be my husband. Shame on you. She's not your trophy.

Sorry, but after reading that part, I couldn't even make it to the end.

yup

cmriverside

The whole "Women listen up" thing is starting to grate on my last nerve.

jj1973

Please understand that not all women were told that they were pretty as little girls. As a matter of fact my mother told me in adult hood that she didn't want our identity wrapped up in our looks, so she purposely NEVER told us we were pretty. She said enough other people were saying it in front of us that we should have known it.

So yes, I sabotage. I have recently realized this about myself. Why?

Because (in my mind) if I look pretty and someone says so then it means I am now only a sex object/trophy wife and I will not be recognized for my intellect and value as a nice person.

AngelsInThighHighs

What the hell is with all this bull****? You dont like the title, see your way out with ONE click! No one cares about your nerves thats not what this thread is about geez. Another thing id like to add is how ridiculous most of you are making this thread out to be HE IS a MAN so he may NOT know how to talk to women ALL THE TIME.

The title was NOT a war cry to feminists everywhere so please put your ironing boards, and pic axes away no need for violence ladies. He is OBVIOUSLY troubled in his marriage, he was obviously asking for help, so he worded a few things wrong OOPs lets castrate the *kitten* right!? NO, so he threw out some hair ties, lets lorraine bobitz him right? NO, everyone makes mistakes geeez let it go he has enough advice to choke a brothel house move on.

nokanjaijo

The title was NOT a war cry to feminists everywhere so please put your ironing boards, and pic axes away no need for violence ladies.

Are you from the past? Is it 1950? Do you think you can get word to Chernobyl?

AngelsInThighHighs

The title was NOT a war cry to feminists everywhere so please put your ironing boards, and pic axes away no need for violence ladies.

Are you from the past? Is it 1950? Do you think you can get word to Chernobyl?

Thank GOD someone caught on to what i was doing lmao i was sitting here like "this could go bad.." :flowerforyou:

nokanjaijo

The title was NOT a war cry to feminists everywhere so please put your ironing boards, and pic axes away no need for violence ladies.

Are you from the past? Is it 1950? Do you think you can get word to Chernobyl?

Thank GOD someone caught on to what i was doing lmao i was sitting here like "this could go bad.." :flowerforyou:

It still might.

AngelsInThighHighs

The title was NOT a war cry to feminists everywhere so please put your ironing boards, and pic axes away no need for violence ladies.

Are you from the past? Is it 1950? Do you think you can get word to Chernobyl?

Thank GOD someone caught on to what i was doing lmao i was sitting here like "this could go bad.." :flowerforyou:

It still might.

~ducks outta thread~ i know riiiiiigggggghhhhhhttttt

girlsrun

I loved this post! Thank you for your insight.

mclahey

If she wast to pull her hair back and wear baggy clothes so be it...could not read the rest after throwing away hair bands!

HannahJDiaz25

OP, dude, don't both writing anything sincere in the MFP forums. No one will bother reading anything longer than 1 paragraph, most of the responders have horrendous reading comprehension skills, even worse critical thinking skills, and the man haters will come out in force. Go get some counseling for you and your wife, and good luck.

Lol! Gotta agree.

^ I was just thinking the same thing^ Man haters are coming out of the wood work. Poor guy! They say guys need to be more sensitive and talk about how they feel. They try and then we kick them in the balls and scream "Bad Dog!"

iulia_maddie

It's frustrating to me that so many women seem to think OP is such a catch. Is emotional abuse or/and controlling behavior so common that people see it as normal?