Seven Thousand Four Hundred and Thirteen

Yesterday, I consumed 7,413 calories.

That's just 4,773 over what myfitnesspal recommends for a 2 pound per week weight loss. Not too terrible, right?

Apparently, I went a teensy bit over on fat intake. Like 250 grams over. As you might expect, my fiber intake was a bit down (should have been 30, but was 18). In terms of real fat gain (as opposed to scale bloat), the 4,773 calories that I went over my 1,000 calorie a day deficit should mean that I gained about one pound of fat, once the few other pounds of sodium, bloat, and garbage in my digestive tract have cleared.

Who does that to himself? A stress eater does. I did. Because I am a stress eater.

I finally allowed the confluence of pressures and stresses of life to cause me to run screaming not into a needleful of heroin, or a tumbler full of scotch, or a carton of cigarettes, or some ridiculously soft skinned 23 year old woman, or a one-armed bandit at a casino. No, my self-destructive weapon of choice was a few boxes of snack cakes, a half of a large pepperoni pizza, a fistful of candy bars, and a few other assorted goodies. I could actually feel them pumping their carbohydrate and fat laden love into my bloodstream-- temporarily dulling the pain of watching my beloved older sister continue to suffer a horrible, painful half-year courtesy of bladder cancer. For a few hours, the food made me forget the **** of a former client who stole $59,000 worth of my time, then blamed me for a result that I warned him in writing would inevitably occur if he did not accept the $360,000 settlement that I brokered for him. Yes, my narcotic of choice... yesterday... was Tastycakes, Chick-o-sticks, and New York style pizza. And a lot of them. A LOT of them.

But that was yesterday. Yesterday ended 390 minutes ago. Yesterday ended 23,400 seconds ago. Yesterday ended 7,413 calories ago. The only way that yesterday can infect today is if I choose to let it. And--- I--- do--- NOT!!!

Instead, I choose to learn from yesterday, so that it can only serve to improve today. Here is what I learned.

I learned that 7,413 calories might temporarily dull the pain of my current problems. But 7,413 calories later, they are all still there. The food did not make them disappear. It only made me forget them for a while.

I learned that regret and guilt are wasted efforts, designed only to drag the depression and shame of yesterday into a perfectly good today. I reject that.

I learned that staying on course, eating wise, is not so much about what you don't eat, in order to create a calorie deficit. It is about what you DO eat, in order to put your body and mind in a state where they are satisfied with less, and therefore, you do not feel a strong desire to eat more.

So on to the obvious next question. What am I going to do about it.

First, I weighed myself. Amazingly, 7,413 calories later, I weighed the same as I did yesterday morning, before the food storm. Why weigh? Because the fear and anxiety surrounding what the scale would say after my binge would far outweigh any temporary pain from what the scale actually did say, even if there was a gain of a few or several pounds.

Next, I prepared and consumed a very filling, high protein, low fat, high fiber breakfast. I am very satisfied, do not feel like eating, and have used less than 1/3 of my day's calories.

Next, I thought about, and learned from, my mistakes of yesterday. I choose to turn past pain into a positive learning experience. But to do so, I had to sit, think and actually learn from it. I hope that I have done that.

Next, I am going to return to not worrying about the macro, but vigilantly manage the micro. "What he hell is he talking about?" I am not going to obsess over what the scale does, or does not say. I am simply going to return to my pattern of success that has gotten me so far over the past 8 months-- one good eating choice at a time, one good exercise choice at a time.

Finally, I am going to take a minute to close my eyes and think about the faces of the handful of people on here who have been so incredibly supportive... so incredibly thoughtful... so incredibly caring about me over the past 2/3 of a year. I am going to imagine first a swift kick in the butt, then a comforting hug from each of you as I leave yesterday in the dustbin of history and work to build a happy and healthy today and tomorrow for myself, my family and my friends.

Enough. First a nice long, brisk walk in the dark and quiet of early morning. Later this morning, two hours of umpiring little league baseball. That should get things moving in the right direction.

I can't erase yesterday. I can only learn from it. And to the special few of you who have been so amazing over the past year, thank you for being you. Thank you for being there for me.

Respectfully submitted,
Scott R. in Houston, Tx.