I fell off the train... Help me back ON!

carrierella · June 2008

I've been discouraged the past two weeks.

My marriage is falling apart, I had a terrible episode of plantar faschia(sp?) causing foot pain and swelling... I've been discouraged, depressed and wondered... WHY BOTHER!?

I ate cookies, chips galore... you name it.

I didn't care.

Why am I losing weight anyway, I wondered, suddenly! WHY!?

At first, I was gung ho for all the "right" reasons (on the SURFACE). But I knew the TRUTH was that I wanted to lose weight because I felt rejected by my husband who's been having an online affair.

I've worked SO hard to be a good wife! Apparently that doesn't count for anything... he wants to live in a fantasy world with a bunch of strangers and another woman.

I accidentally lifted his laptop cover to read the two of them telling each other, "I love you"...

I decided that it was important and worth it to move on and try and forgive him even though there'd been no change. He is still spending 12-22 hours per day on the computer, away from all of us. I am a single parent in almost all respects except for financially. He is not present. Most days he doesn't even eat a meal with us at the table.

It's just the 8 children and I...

Anyway... he gets excited at the idea of another baby someday... I literally almost lost my life with the last. My body is tired...

If the Lord sent another child, I would accept it. But I do not want it.

I know I'm "fat" to him -- he says things under his breath and out of my earshot and IN the children's earshot...

It is only because of all my pregnancies that I am the weight and shape I am today! If he wants me to be pregnant so badly... why would he care if I gain weight!?!??!?!?!??!

I feel rejected and alone and got to the point where I didn't CARE anymore.

I'm OFF of my blood pressure meds. Yeah! That is exciting to me!

This past Sunday I went to church == it's been two months == my husband wasn't allowing me to attend. I got to the point where I was SO HUNGRY for the preaching and the fellowship with others that I accepted the offer of a friend to pick us up in her van (I do not drive).

My husband would not allow the four younger children to go. So it was just the baby, the oldest three and me...

One dear friend stopped me after the service and said, "Carrie! You're shrinking!"

I'm short, at only 5'0". I didn't understand what she meant.

"I hope not!" I replied. "I need every inch I've got!"

She corrected me and said, "Noooo! You've lost quite a bit of weight!"

That was oddly all the incentive that I needed. I want to get "back on the wagon" and start eating right again, and exercising regularly again.

Am I really that vain!? Do I need others to NOTICE that I've lost weight?

One night a month ago, when we were at the grocery store, my husband looked at me when I told him that I'd lost about 10lbs total and said, "I can tell..." and there was a L O N G pause and he then added... "Well... sort of..."

I felt like crumbling into a heap and crying.

I am feeling very devastated, depressed and lonely... I am wondering if I'll ever be able to keep on a diet again... I've lost my "Want to"...

I've lost my husband... and that was the ONLY REAL reason I'd wanted to lose weight, truly... though I wasn't able to admit it at the time... I thought if I was skinnier he would want me again and would be part of the family again...

Sorry for rambling... sorry for feeling sorry for myself... Thanks if you've gotten this far...

Carrie

carrierella · June 2008

I've been discouraged the past two weeks.

My marriage is falling apart, I had a terrible episode of plantar faschia(sp?) causing foot pain and swelling... I've been discouraged, depressed and wondered... WHY BOTHER!?

I ate cookies, chips galore... you name it.

I didn't care.

Why am I losing weight anyway, I wondered, suddenly! WHY!?

At first, I was gung ho for all the "right" reasons (on the SURFACE). But I knew the TRUTH was that I wanted to lose weight because I felt rejected by my husband who's been having an online affair.

I've worked SO hard to be a good wife! Apparently that doesn't count for anything... he wants to live in a fantasy world with a bunch of strangers and another woman.

I accidentally lifted his laptop cover to read the two of them telling each other, "I love you"...

I decided that it was important and worth it to move on and try and forgive him even though there'd been no change. He is still spending 12-22 hours per day on the computer, away from all of us. I am a single parent in almost all respects except for financially. He is not present. Most days he doesn't even eat a meal with us at the table.

It's just the 8 children and I...

Anyway... he gets excited at the idea of another baby someday... I literally almost lost my life with the last. My body is tired...

If the Lord sent another child, I would accept it. But I do not want it.

I know I'm "fat" to him -- he says things under his breath and out of my earshot and IN the children's earshot...

It is only because of all my pregnancies that I am the weight and shape I am today! If he wants me to be pregnant so badly... why would he care if I gain weight!?!??!?!?!??!

I feel rejected and alone and got to the point where I didn't CARE anymore.

I'm OFF of my blood pressure meds. Yeah! That is exciting to me!

This past Sunday I went to church == it's been two months == my husband wasn't allowing me to attend. I got to the point where I was SO HUNGRY for the preaching and the fellowship with others that I accepted the offer of a friend to pick us up in her van (I do not drive).

My husband would not allow the four younger children to go. So it was just the baby, the oldest three and me...

One dear friend stopped me after the service and said, "Carrie! You're shrinking!"

I'm short, at only 5'0". I didn't understand what she meant.

"I hope not!" I replied. "I need every inch I've got!"

She corrected me and said, "Noooo! You've lost quite a bit of weight!"

That was oddly all the incentive that I needed. I want to get "back on the wagon" and start eating right again, and exercising regularly again.

Am I really that vain!? Do I need others to NOTICE that I've lost weight?

One night a month ago, when we were at the grocery store, my husband looked at me when I told him that I'd lost about 10lbs total and said, "I can tell..." and there was a L O N G pause and he then added... "Well... sort of..."

I felt like crumbling into a heap and crying.

I am feeling very devastated, depressed and lonely... I am wondering if I'll ever be able to keep on a diet again... I've lost my "Want to"...

I've lost my husband... and that was the ONLY REAL reason I'd wanted to lose weight, truly... though I wasn't able to admit it at the time... I thought if I was skinnier he would want me again and would be part of the family again...

Sorry for rambling... sorry for feeling sorry for myself... Thanks if you've gotten this far...

Carrie

chiefiron · June 2008

I dont know what i can or could say really to help but i will say this.

You must be good to your self and your body and be an example to your children. If your husband is truely going to leave no amount of weight you loose is going to change that.

I would hope for your sake that some kind of intervention could be done to make him see how his actions are hurting the family.

I dont really understand your religion (or any one elses i guess) but there must be someone who you can talk to.

Stay strong you are the most important person in the world to 8 other people and they need a strong and confident mother.

:flowerforyou:

CrystalBella · June 2008

I don't know what to say either... I've never been married. What I do know that if you don't love Carriella then nobody else can, that includes ya husband. No offense he does sound like a *kitten*. He should be uplifting you in everything that you do. You have to make the change be for you and your body first and foremost. Then for your kids, who obviously need a responsible parent around for life.

Tell ya hubby to kick rocks when he says stuff like that to you! Is he a perfect 10, cause I haven't met a human being that God put on this earth that is? He has no room to talk about ANYBODY! We all have some kind of flaw about us that tech can be talked about. I also agree that you need to find someone within your church that you can talk to and confide in about your situation. You told us, which is a good start. I know I'm not alone in saying that you are ALWAYS support here in MFP land.

I hope things get better for you and your family. Maybe counseling would work out? Maybe sitting down and talking to him about his affairs. If it was me, I'd personally be talking to the chickenheads and explaining to them that he is married and we have 8 children together. Majority of women would back off and probably give him an earfull. Shoot if you need him to have an earfull let me know. I'd give him enough that he'd never say another word about anything. People like that make me sick. :mad:

Keep your head up sweetheart. I personally don't like the idea of divorce, so if you two can work it out then that's awesome. Regardless you need to let the rejection bug go. Next time he wants alil practice on makin them babies cut him off... Don't keep giving into his demands until some of yours are met. Like dinner with the family, time off the freakin computer. Lay your foot down. I understand some religions say that you respect what your husband wants and what not. God doesn't want you to be a doormat either. He gave you a mouth and free will. Use it! Go into his computer and delete all the info that connects him to these women. What's he going to do then? I doubt his balls are that big to bring it up to you. He's an immature punk for cheatin in the first place.

God Bless! :flowerforyou:

PedalHound · June 2008

I totally echo the PP as far as 8 other people relying on you to be healthy and well. For me, the last kick in the butt I needed to make this leap was knowing that if I continued as I was, I would be unfit, unwell, not the example I want them to follow in their own lives and habits, and I would probably have a shorter life in which to enjoy and adore them!

I can't imagine how one would consider single parenthood with eight children, but it sounds to me (if you don't mind my candor) that your husband has totally disengaged from your family and the hurtful comments you hear from him are not the kind of things you hear in a healthy, emotionally nourishing relationship!! Think to yourself, 'would I want to see my daughter treated in her marriage as I am treated in mine?' or 'would I be proud to see my son treat his wife as my husband treats me?' And if you can't answer "yes" to those questions you have to consider the impact of this relationship on yourself and your children.

As far as fitness and wellness, you deserve to FEEL good in your body. I'm not referring to its size as much as its health. This journey leads to health and the right role model for your children to live healthfully and that is huge.

Best of luck and a big virtual hug to you!

chelsey787 · June 2008

oh carrie...

this is such a tough situation - and although i have no personal experience to encourage you with, i wish you the best. whether it is ending or working on your marriage, i wish you and all of your children the best. be good to your body (including your mind) and your family during the tough time.

don't forget that you're doing this new lifestyle for YOU!!!

god bless

I fell off the train... Help me back ON!

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