Losing almost 100lbs & gaining it all back. My story.

There is always a defining moment in a fat person's life when something happens, something so drastic that it kicks their *kitten* into gear to finally take this losing weight and getting healthy thing seriously. This has happened once in my life, and just yesterday, it happened again. Here is my whole story.

In December 2009, my doctor told me that I will more than likely not be able to have children. I hadn't had a period in almost a year, and as it turns out, my body wasn't ovulating at all. After tons of testing, she determines that I was too overweight - and my fat cells were stretched so big that they were producing just enough estrogen to block the ovulation process. It's not an uncommon condition amoung the "moribly obese" as she put it - which was awful enough to hear.

I had no intention of having a child for many years, but knew that my husband really wanted to have one. It hurt my heart so much to think that I could never do that for him. When I told him, the look on his face was devastating. I knew that, if we never had children and I never even lost the weight to try, that he would leave me or at least blame me. (Though he would never admit to that.)

So, I got to it. On January 1st 2010, I started my weight loss journey, and what a journey it has been. I started working out everyday after work with a friend of mine from high school. I found My Fitness Pal, and immediately started using it. I had never counted calories in my life, so it was new and exciting. I started losing, and feeling stronger and healthier all around.

Eventually, that work out partner started to not show up, so neither would I. 40lbs into my weight loss, my bestfriend had given birth and wanted to change her life also. I offered to be her partner - and what a partnership it was! By the end of 2010, I had lost 94lbs! I was wearing a size 13/14, which was UNHEARD of for me. I was strong, healthy, and confident. I had cut my long hair short, started caring more about my clothes, makeup and shoes - OMG SHOES! My husband and I's relationship was at our strongest, and we were so happy. My partner, Rachel, had lost more than 60lbs also!
Together we had lost an entire adult male.

On New Years Ever 2010, I found out I was pregnant. I was shocked - and my husband was thrilled. To be honest, I was angry. I was really close to my all time low goal weight. (You know - that weight that you say "If I could weigh anything, it would be THIS! With no expectation to reach it) The pregnancy was extremely hard all around. I had a lot of complications, including severe sciatica that left me sleepless and out of work on bed rest.

In August 2011, I gave birth to an almost 10lb baby boy. I had gained a little over 50lbs during my pregnancy. By the time he was 6 weeks old, I had lost most of that. But slowly and surely - I gained every single pound I lost in my intial journey back... plus 20lbs!

My son is 19 months old now - and life has been hard and wonderful all at the same time. I've lost most of my friends (as I know you do once you have a child), but gained new ones. I spend every waking moment thinking about my son. What he needs, what he wants, how is he? Is he okay? Is he happy? My whole world revolves around him.

I forgot about myself.

About a month ago, I started noticing swelling in my feet. It comes and goes. Also, my period stopped again. I went to my doctor to ask about the swelling in my legs (and a nasty case of bronchitis I happened to have) and he looked me in the face and said,

"Have you ever considered surgery? Your feet are swelling because when you sit for periods of time, you are so heavy that you're slowing the blood circulation to your legs and feet. You are so young. With your genetics and existing health problems, they are only going to get work if we don't intervene right now and so something about it."

I.. was speechless. He was completely right. I am slowly dying and I need some serious help. I hadn't even mentioned to him the problems I am having just with basic hygeine that I never had before. He was more right than I would imagine.

So here I am. All over again. I gained a lot of followers and friends on this site during my initial journey and the guilt and shame I feel for letting you down is immense. The guilt I feel for my husband is worse than that. I feel embarassed for him. I want to be around for my son.

My schedule is not as flexible as it was before; I work full time and my husband and I have opposite schedules so my son only has to go to a baby sitter for a few hours and not all day long. My gym offers a daycare - which I intend on using but hopefully sparingly. My mother has agreed to help me and keep my son for a few hours during the week so I can go to the gym - with my old partner, Rachel, too!

This morning, my husband and I cleaned out the fridge and pantry and re-stocked it with all the right things. I uploaded my MFP app on my phone, and it's ready to go on Monday morning. I am currently looking for a great meal planning app also, and searching Pinterest for low calorie recipes.

Thank you all for taking the time to read this. I can't wait to re-start this journey, but this time not in search of my son - but FOR my son.

This is for Jackson.