I'm warning you (God, Universe, or whoever)

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somemansdream
somemansdream Posts: 88
in Motivation and Support
That is it, I'm done. One of the most hellish months of my life just finished. 3 people in our family passed away in March including my Mom. God, that is it. Nearly everyone in this family is about as broken as they can be. Our hearts are wounded and we will never be the same. I'm standing here now to tell you that is it! No more! If there is something else bad in store you better change it because we cant deal with anything else. Lord, we need a break, we need a time of healing and peace. Yes, I am forever grateful for the miracle with Mom and that my prayers for Cindy (Husband Jeff passed away last night) was answered because you gave her a sign--that falling star that she took as a sign from you and comforted her--so thank you. However, I could not be more serious. You can see into the hearts of this family and you know--you know the raw pain, the grief we are trying to bear. It was all I could do this morning not to howl with pain and the tears are falling as I'm typing this. Bless this entire family with calmness, peace in our hearts over our loved ones.

I was ranting and pissed off when I started this and though it is more hurt and tears now--I still mean it. You can do it. I believe you are a guiding force in our lives no matter what happens. I know you will not hold my anger against me.

Remember, not just for me---but my whole family is so desperate right now.

I opted to write this here and let you guys read it. I know--some of you have shared your story with me--I know some of you have broken hearts too. It helps to "talk". I do not have the option of counseling or anything like that. I do not have the option of hiding from life like I desperately want to right now. If I had my way I would bury myself here in my house and lock everyone and all the problems out but that is not an option either. Shrugs. This is what I am chosing to do.

Thanks for listening (reading)--Debbie
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Replies

  • quirkytizzy
    quirkytizzy Posts: 4,052 Member
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    It's good to be angry. It's okay to be angry. Don't stuff that feeling, let it run its course. You are doing exactly what you need to do.

    I'm glad you shared with us. We all have times that are like screaming into the wind. You're not alone

    ETA: To the above poster, I believe she IS dealing with it. Talking about it, raging about it, sharing the frustration and how overwhelming it is IS dealing with it. You cannot "deal" with something that you don't understand - and we as humans understand things by feeling them out.

    That is what she is doing.

    We all want to give up sometimes. That very normal feeling is not an excuse. It is simply human.
  • Rockstar_JILL
    Rockstar_JILL Posts: 514 Member
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    HUGS!!!
  • Mpol2
    Mpol2 Posts: 442 Member
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    It gets easier. One day at a time. Sending warm thoughts and prayers your way.
  • crops2dawn
    crops2dawn Posts: 27 Member
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    Jerry....that was really cold!!! I can't believe you said that crap! Have some sympathy will ya! Everyone deals with death in their own way and if the OP needed to vent so be it! I am sure that was really hard for her to do....If you can't say anything nice, DON'T say anything at all!!!

    OP I hope you find that peace you are looking for....it's there somewhere, you just need time is all! Losing loved ones is never easy and the hurt will always be there, but it does get better!
  • joliefrijole
    joliefrijole Posts: 19
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    Debbie, I can relate! 1999 was a horrible year for me. First my older brother in January. Then my uncle in May, my grandmother and father in June, and my cousin in August. Our family was rocked to the core. I thought we were cursed. I was more in shock than anything else. But time helped heal me-I went through the stages of grief until I finally came to the conclusion that they were all suffering prior to their demises, and now were in a better place.

    My mother died on Independence Day almost two years ago. She suffered from COPD, and although I was devastated, I found comfort and sought solace in knowing she was no longer in pain.

    It does suck, and it is very easy to get angry especially the two closest people in your life are now gone, and no longer here to witness any more milestones in your life (I really wished my mother could have been there from my graduation from grad school last October) but be rest assured family is there in spirit, watching over you, and every step you are taking in life, until you join them....
  • EOHerrera
    EOHerrera Posts: 45
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    I'm so sorry for your loss. I can totally sympathize with where you are at right now. In November 2011, I lost a dear aunt. On Feb 5, 2012 I lost a cousin who was a year older than me - sudden heart attack. Less than a week later, my only sibling died after having a stint put in - a relatively common procedure - he bled to death. He had not told our mom because he didn't want her to worry about him - he was going to tell her after it was over. I not only had to tell her that he had had the procedure, but that he had died from it - and oh, also, he had retired to OLD Mexico just a few months prior to that without telling her that as well. I thought that was the worst day of my life - until two months and one day later my mother passed away from complications of having her appendix taken out! My dad had passed away in 1995. So I pretty much felt like an orphan as well. I don't know what your beliefs are spiritually, but I know that my faith is the ONLY thing that sustained me through all these losses in such a short amount of time. Take it one day at a time - some times one hour at a time - sometimes one minute at a time. Cry when you need to. Find comfort in the happy memories. Healing does come, but we never forget and we will always have times when we cry - whether it's a memory, a song or just plain missing them. It may sound silly, but some days when I'm on my treadmill exercising, I can feel my mom and my brother cheering me on "You go, girl!" Other days I envision myself running towards them in heaven. We all grieve in our own ways and in our own time. The key is not to get "stuck" at any one phase of grief.

    And to the one guy who made the comment "suck it up cupcake" - ignore him. Any person who would say something like that has no heart or compassion. I would bet no one came to him in his time of loss and made that statement! Shame on him!

    It's your journey and I'm sure your loved ones are wanting you to live your life to the fullest and not deprive yourself of the time here that they no longer have. God bless you!!
  • Graelwyn75
    Graelwyn75 Posts: 4,404 Member
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    I hope that the rest of this year brings more positives into your world and to the worlds of those involved, and remember, you are strong enough to overcome.
  • nancycaregiver
    nancycaregiver Posts: 812 Member
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    I'm so sorry! I've lost both of my parents and I understand the pain you are feeling. I was only 17 when my mother died. It hurts and you wonder how the earth is still turning on it's axis while you are in so much pain. One day at a time, it will get better. Very slowly, you will heal. I pray that you and your family may find the peace that passes understanding! Hugs for you!
  • notenoughspeed
    notenoughspeed Posts: 290 Member
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    I hope you find the strength from within yourself to achieve your goals. No one else helped me rise from the ashes but myself. Not some god, my friends, nobody but me did it.
  • Cr01502
    Cr01502 Posts: 3,614 Member
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    I hope you find the strength from within yourself to achieve your goals.

    Ditto.
  • taunto
    taunto Posts: 6,420 Member
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    "In the darkest times, hope is something you give yourself. That is the meaning of inner strength. "

    I can sense some anger. I know a few things about anger. Use it to fuel yourself. Focus that rage to something positive because giving up on fitness or anything else won't get rid of the rage. If anything, it'll increase it when you realized that you allowed yourself to fail.

    Good luck. I am sorry for the hard times
  • Smokey19
    Smokey19 Posts: 796 Member
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    I am so sorry that you have had to go through all of this. I know what it is like to lose loved one. I lost a husband and grandfather within a couple months of each other. I cried, stopped eating, stopped sleeping and stopped talking to anyone. I wasn't able to work or anything after I lost my husband. Be very careful...I had to be hospitalized several times for major depression. Feel free to vent and rant on here. We are all here for you and have each experienced a loss of some kind and know what that loss feels like. I cannot know the extent of pain that you are experiencing with losing so many family members in such short of time. It isn't fair, but unfortunately there is nothing that anyone can do to change what happened. You have other family members counting on you and you need to be there for them, too. Most importantly, take the time you need to take care of yourself as well. I was able to get counseling then and I am in counseling now due to major health problems that changed my life forever. You can get through this. Make sure that you continue your relationship with God. He has a purpose for you in life that you may not know right now, but He knows and will reveal it to you in time. Sit down and write a letter to each of those 3 people that passed away. Write anything you'd like. I wrote my sister a letter after she passed and it did make me feel a little better. I hope that things get better for you and your family. I know that you will get through this and be stronger for it. Reach out to your family to talk with, they can help. Hugs!
  • zealousmissjj_wechange
    zealousmissjj_wechange Posts: 445
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    I'm currently witnessing my mom dying of cancer. My dad is out of the picture and I never hear from him. My brother and sister are the only family I have besides my mom. We take care of her. Cook for her, help her in and out of bed. Used to help her get dressed, took care of her insuline shots, did all of her housekeeping next to a full time job and a home of our own.

    Also my father in law has had two heart attacks, his heart stopped completely twice. He's been on life support but somehow is now live and kicking.

    My mom is in a terminal care hospice now and we're saying our goodbyes everyday. She'll be gone in a few weeks. She's only 63 and I'm only 32, my youngest brother only 27.

    I have my bad days, but they're few. Usually I just take a deep breath and enjoy life. You see, there's nothing I can do to make her better. Crying or dwelling won't change a thing, exept take what energy I have left and make my days crap. So I take a deep breath and slap a smile on my face. Life goes on and I intend to live it. All that I've been through teaches me a great lesson and for that I'm thankful.

    Honey, I can so understand your grief, but have a good sob and let it go. My mom once did something amazing for me. I was very sad once and she bought bubble solution for me. She told me to put all my grief in the bubble solution. Then we went outside and blew my troubles away. Maybe you should do something like that and let it go.

    Let it go hun, and enjoy life. :heart:
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    I'm sorry for your losses.

    You may not be aware, but MFP has a blog feature. I've used it myself for expressing some personal pain. I would recommend using that rather than the main forums. People in the main forums are a cross-section of the population and feel justified in giving you their opinions. Posting this here is like bearing your heart to the whole world and allowing them to do to it as they please. You've been through so much. Do you really want random strangers offering you opinions on your pain?

    All my best. Grief is only temporary. You will find peace and comfort within you again.
  • myofibril
    myofibril Posts: 4,500 Member
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    grief-cycle-software-20.gif

    What you are feeling is perfectly understandable and normal.
  • _Witsy_
    _Witsy_ Posts: 609 Member
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    Good lord...you can't "fix" people dying..it isn't a problem...it isn't something that she needs to sit down and design a plan on how to achieve her goals. To me, this post was simply another human crying.

    The woman is grieving... The end.

    OP...very sorry for your loss and difficult times. They will soon pass. xo
  • somemansdream
    somemansdream Posts: 88
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    Thanks everyone. For those of you that have lost loved ones too, my heart goes out to you and the rest of the families.

    That one post that stirs people up, well I left myself open to opinion here and that is all it is, his opinion and I do not begrudge him that though I disliked it. This is my way of dealing with things as I take care of everyone and everything around me. I am functioning, I work, I smile, I laugh, but I also grieve when something hits me. To deny that would be to deny a part of my heart and soul and I refuse to lock that away because life is a precious gift.

    "suck it up cupcake" works for disappointments, and other things--not the death of a loved one in my opinion. I do think I know what your trying to say but the message got lost in transition with your first words because saying something like that it does not really matter what comes after it. However, I am not angry or upset. There is always chance of things like this when posting in messages.

    For the person that wrote the private message saying I was not allowed to talk to God that way or to be angry. Your also entitled to your opinion. I deleted your message and moved on. My God is a loving and forgiving one and he knows that I will never be perfect and he knows the grief of a broken heart. Just as I praise him in good times or for giving thanks, he will not hold my anger against me just as I stated in my post. That is my belief.

    Again, for those that lost loved ones, I am sorry for your loss (or losses as in some cases). It is one of lifes' hardest things to go through. For those that are in current stages of losing someone, prayers for the family.

    When we took Mom off life support, the doctors expected her to last less than an hour but she held on for 12. Well we were all around her bed saying goodbye but when she held on, we cried, prayed and eventually told stories and laughed. I know she knew we were there and that we were telling stories and celebrating some times we had with her.

    May all of you have precious moments with your loved ones today.
    Debbie
  • quirkytizzy
    quirkytizzy Posts: 4,052 Member
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    grief-cycle-software-20.gif

    What you are feeling is perfectly understandable and normal.

    I really like how the stages have loops to them - the idea that we will circle through them up and down a few times before we can move on. Thank you for this.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    Good lord...you can't "fix" people dying..it isn't a problem...it isn't something that she needs to sit down and design a plan on how to achieve her goals. To me, this post was simply another human crying.

    The woman is grieving... The end.

    OP...very sorry for your loss and difficult times. They will soon pass. xo

    This!

    No one is trying to silence any atheists here. All I stated was that your comment is going to derail the thread. The topic is about this woman's pain... she didn't ask for your opinions on the universe.
  • billsica
    billsica Posts: 4,741 Member
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    Debbie I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope having the strength to get this out on the internet has helped you in some small way. And we are all here for whatever you need.

    This other debate stuff is best left to a group. Please stop trying to derail her grief and get the thread locked.

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