Message for those asking for help

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DanOhh
DanOhh Posts: 1,806 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
This is message is for anyone posting something on the boards asking for help or wondering why they aren't loosing any weight. PLEASE MAKE YOUR DIARY PUBLIC. We want to help you but, for us to give you good ideas where you could make a change we need to see what you've been doing so far. Thank you.
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  • Winter0916
    Winter0916 Posts: 80
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    Very true! but i think many are afraid of sharing that intimate part of their lives, so it is hard.
  • msciccone1
    msciccone1 Posts: 288 Member
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    Thank you for posting this!!! Its hard to see what they are doing wrong if you can't see their food or exercise diary.
  • lilmissy2
    lilmissy2 Posts: 595 Member
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    Very true! but i think many are afraid of sharing that intimate part of their lives, so it is hard.

    I agree. Sadly, while some of us like to look at diaries to give genuine, friendly advice... I have seen some be brutally torn apart. I certainly would not want to be on the receiving end of that.
  • johnsoag
    johnsoag Posts: 59
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    in everyones defense, when people post the diaries they dont intend to be attacked! like for me, my food includes BOXED meals and everyone says NO NO dont eat that bc of this and that BUT for me i'm trying to over come something else other then JUST losing weight so PLEASE understand that everyone is here for different reasons AND that we have very different lives and live on different times etc. some people say dont eat past 8...well if your day ends at 7 or 8 and your dinner is 9 then so be it.

    thanks

    I agree! I am so glad to have "befriended" the MFPers that I have, everyone is so nice and supportive.
    constructive critism, peoples, let's not get too mean. :)
  • KristyO
    KristyO Posts: 126
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    I whole-heartedly agree with making one's food diary public. Not only does it help other members by giving good ideas, but it has also made me more accountable knowing that my friends are going to look at what I ate. And, as Dan says, if you are not sure why your meal plans aren't working for you, there are a lot of knowledgeable people here that want to help and can do so by looking at what you are eating.
  • jrich1
    jrich1 Posts: 2,408 Member
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    I have mine public, it doesnt bother me people see what I eat.
  • DanOhh
    DanOhh Posts: 1,806 Member
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    Very true! but i think many are afraid of sharing that intimate part of their lives, so it is hard.

    I agree. Sadly, while some of us like to look at diaries to give genuine, friendly advice... I have seen some be brutally torn apart. I certainly would not want to be on the receiving end of that.

    We learn from out mistakes. How can you offer proper help if you can not see where there may be a possible problem. If someone wants to make their Diary private later they are welcome to. And those that are going to be unfriendly about giving help will be unfriendly even if they don't see someones diary. I just want to be able to help someone the best I can.
  • KristyO
    KristyO Posts: 126
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    in everyones defense, when people post the diaries they dont intend to be attacked! like for me, my food includes BOXED meals and everyone says NO NO dont eat that bc of this and that BUT for me i'm trying to over come something else other then JUST losing weight so PLEASE understand that everyone is here for different reasons AND that we have very different lives and live on different times etc. some people say dont eat past 8...well if your day ends at 7 or 8 and your dinner is 9 then so be it.

    thanks

    I know what you mean, I have seen people get verbally shredded for eating processed food (and when one person did this, I looked at her food diary and she had not even logged anything for the past week!) and light frozen dinners. This is a place of support and should remain so.

    Besides, I personally think that if you are going from eating really unhealthy stuff (like a lot of fast food and meals heavy in fat and salt) that the Healthy Choices and Lean Cuisines are great for weaning yourself off the "bad" stuff. I am a big believer in doing what works for you and what you can stick too.
  • lilmissy2
    lilmissy2 Posts: 595 Member
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    Very true! but i think many are afraid of sharing that intimate part of their lives, so it is hard.

    I agree. Sadly, while some of us like to look at diaries to give genuine, friendly advice... I have seen some be brutally torn apart. I certainly would not want to be on the receiving end of that.

    We learn from out mistakes. How can you offer proper help if you can not see where there may be a possible problem. If someone wants to make their Diary private later they are welcome to. And those that are going to be unfriendly about giving help will be unfriendly even if they don't see someones diary. I just want to be able to help someone the best I can.

    I partly agree with what you say... I would certainly never see a patient without taking a diet history. That said, you can certainly give basic nutrition advice without seeing what somebody is eating. I agree that people may be unkind anyway but somehow there seems to be so much difference between for example this:

    No diary - 'Eating a lot of packaged food is bad and they are often high in calories/sugar/fat'
    Diary - 'You are eating so much processed crap, it's no wonder you aren't losing weight'

    I can just see why people wouldn't want it to be too personal.
  • DanOhh
    DanOhh Posts: 1,806 Member
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    And I agree with you that there are too many people that are being way to blunt and not give advise but scolding the person asking for help. We need to offer our help by suggesting ideas ("You might want to try doing...) instead of telling people they're wrong ("Well no wonder you're not loosing weight you're...) :-)
  • lilmissy2
    lilmissy2 Posts: 595 Member
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    Absolutely, and in general I have seen people take quite personal advice very well when it is given in that manner... we can only hope more people learn to keep it that way!! :happy:
  • arewethereyet
    arewethereyet Posts: 18,702 Member
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    I have to say that if someone asks for an opinion in an open forum, you are inviting everyones view. I have done this before, mostly in the first 6 months. I did not like all of what was posted, but I took it into consideration.

    One such remark has stuck with me since early on. He was a rather blunt person and when I posted a thread stating I had no time to cook things fresh,he pointed out I had been on MFP posting why I could NOT do things for a few hours:laugh:

    To this day when I think about skipping an exercise session, or opening a can of peas, his AV comes to mind.


    The problem with always being ultra supportive is that we lose the honest feedback that can bring positive results.

    IMHO:flowerforyou:
  • lilmissy2
    lilmissy2 Posts: 595 Member
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    I guess I feel that I can still be honest and offer advice without being rude. I didn't say that you should tell everyone that everything they are doing is great, obviously they have asked for advice. But adding mean remarks about the knowledge/personality/attitude/motivation of the person isn't really necessary to getting your point across, that's all.
  • cardigirl
    cardigirl Posts: 492 Member
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    I agree that some ways of giving constructive criticism may be more palatable than others, but I also think too many people on here have very "thin" skins in regard to this process. They want people to tell them they are doing okay, or good for them for trying, etc, when what they may really need is to be held accountable for some of the decisions they've made. I'm NOT saying that it's okay to bash someone, but I do think that suggesting that fast food is not the best idea when trying to get healthy should not be met with all kinds of excuses.

    It does take getting to a certain mindset to make losing weight and getting healthier a priority. (Although there seems to be a divide on this forum with various users. Some are not concerned as much with the healthy part.) Believe me, I understand this, but I also know that the knowledge that has been shared with me on here has been of tremendous help, and I really believe that most people offer that information out of a desire to help. Not bash. If only we are willing to hear it.
  • kicklikeaGIRL
    kicklikeaGIRL Posts: 867 Member
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    And I agree with you that there are too many people that are being way to blunt and not give advise but scolding the person asking for help. We need to offer our help by suggesting ideas ("You might want to try doing...) instead of telling people they're wrong ("Well no wonder you're not loosing weight you're...) :-)

    This thread is probably in regards to a post I made earlier telling the OP that it wasn't necessary to open her diary for all to see. I do agree with you, that it is easier to give advice to others when we can see their eating habits. But, as I've went onto threads to post and give feedback I've noticed a LOT of really harsh criticism and very rude people. Some people have good intentions, but the way it comes out sounds horrible. Quite honestly, the reason I don't think its necessary sometimes for people to open their Diary is because if they aren't being honest with themselves in a forum discussion, its likely they aren't recording everything they are eating anyways. But, if they are truly trying to find out "what more they can do" (my favorite 5 words) then I think its necessary for them to open the Diary to allow us to help them sort out the good from bad. And help them realize that some foods they eat may not be as good for them as they thought. (Or at least help them make their own opinions on what is considered "clean" eating for them)

    I do agree that if someone wants to ask personal questions such as "What should I be eating" then they should be prepared to share what they are eating with their Diary so we can help. My approach to getting answers that I am looking for is to ask what YOU eat rather than ask what I SHOULD eat. That way I don't feel obligated to share my diary to some of the trolls out there who are looking to tear me down. I didn't come here for that. Typically, if someone isn't willing to share specifics in their original post (such as their weight, height, current exercise, current food patterns) then I'll give them general answers. If they want personal things, they're gonna have to share personal specifics, including their Diary. They're gonna have to have some thick skin because if they are eating crap and not exercising I be giving them some tough love. Sometimes we need to be blunt- especially when I hear "I can't seem to lose any weight!" and then their diary shows they've been eating at Wendy's all week and no exercise. They've asked, so I will answer. So, in conclusion, I agree with you. Those of you who want advice, REALLY want advice, get real with yourself, and share your Diary so we can help you. And if the trolls come around, just brush them off, don't feed them! Some people may be mean, but in the end, I think you'll find that many more people were offering good advice that you can learn from.

    In the early beginnings I had my Diary open so that I could get good advice on what to change. It was very helpful and I had some great constructive criticism. At this point where I'm at now, I don't need the advice and therefore do not share my Diary with the public.

    Edited: because once again I get a little too long winded. I could still edit more and take out my blah-blah-blahs, (I am SO like my mother) but I'm too lazy.
  • lilmissy2
    lilmissy2 Posts: 595 Member
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    too many people on here have very "thin" skins in regard to this process. They want people to tell them they are doing okay, or good for them for trying, etc, when what they may really need is to be held accountable for some of the decisions they've made. I'm NOT saying that it's okay to bash someone, but I do think that suggesting that fast food is not the best idea when trying to get healthy should not be met with all kinds of excuses.

    I agree that sometimes people have the wrong attitude on here but I think the stage of change that people are in is not really made any better by people being nasty to them, if anything the majority tend to get more defiant in how they feel about things and less willing to change.

    Most of what I do (as a dietitian, which of course doesn't as much relate to the advice on this site but it is to do with giving dietary advice) is about working with people to overcome their barriers. This means if someone says to me 'I just have to have chocolate everyday' I say 'ok have this amount of chocolate but then you need to....' rather than saying 'well you won't lose weight if you can't cut out chocolate'. Whatever plan someone decides upon needs to be one they can maintain.

    My point was, sure there are people that do seem to have an excuse for everything but at the same time there is a difference between an excuse and a reason and I like to hear the reasons so perhaps we could use it to guide our advice, which in the end might be something like 'to lose weight we need to change some of our unhealthy habits, it's not easy but you need to pick some areas you are willing to work on' or it might be that their reason is genuine and seems quite binding and is better worked around on their journey.
  • DanOhh
    DanOhh Posts: 1,806 Member
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    There's a fine line between someone who hurts, helps or enables and that's why if you do want to offer any advise to anyone you need to choose your words wisely. I started a second thread to discuss that:

    http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/104333-message-for-those-giving-help

    Good luck to everybody!
  • cardigirl
    cardigirl Posts: 492 Member
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    lilmissy2, I agree that sometimes you have to offer people a workaround, and I think you are probably very successful in your line of work with your approach. :flowerforyou:

    Some of the advice I've seen on here has been met with such sustained resistance, and has been called "rude" when quite honestly I didn't think the post was rude at all. That's what I meant by thin skins. And I really have stopped trying to give any suggestions or help because of the drama that ensues on a lot of the threads. :noway:

    When you ask for advice, and it's given, and then you don't like it, then you really didn't want advice in the first place. IMO. And I try not to be blunt when I respond, but to say this is what has worked for me, you might try it, but I still see lots of people ignoring the countless threads on how to be successful on here, and it seems to me they really don't want to know how to lose weight, they want to vent about how difficult it is to do it. Not that venting isn't a valid option and also healthy from time to time.


    "Do or do not. There is no try." It's worked for me. :wink:
  • lilmissy2
    lilmissy2 Posts: 595 Member
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    I do know what you mean! I have posted topics that said the tiniest thing about a way of eating e.g. a single comment about one certain dietary restriction within a whole article and people have replied saying I have bashed them personally for saying that about the way they eat (even though they had nothing to do with the post and I didn't even know them). So I do appreciate your frustration! :flowerforyou:
  • cardigirl
    cardigirl Posts: 492 Member
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    Also, DanOoh, sorry to have continued this discussion on this thread, wonder if there is anyway to move the appropriate posts to your other thread on "giving advice"? Does MFP have a merge option?

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