cut off contact with family with the least amount of drama?
RoadToHappiness92
Posts: 58
in Chit-Chat
Im not going to go into it but I have had an extremely physically abusive brother and extremely neglectful/verbally abusive parents. How do I go about cutting them out of my life completely without them making massive drama surrounding it?? Trying to reconcile the relationship is completely impossible so dont suggest it ...
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Replies
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Just move away, don't tell them where, and don't give them your phone number. Block them from your facebook. That's about all you can do.0
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Don't be a coward. Tell them. Then get some distance to allow everyone to cool off. Don't slink away. Take what they have to say. Recognise where their coming from and don't let their anger dictate your reaction. This is your life.
If they want to be in your life and your prepared to make an effort then they'll be apart of your future.
These arnt just any people. You really only have one family0 -
I agree with MissMdM, man up, stop being a fanny0
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Just move away, don't tell them where, and don't give them your phone number. Block them from your facebook. That's about all you can do.
This, basically. Let them have their drama, but make sure you're safe, first.0 -
It depends on the degree of abuse. If it's "extreme," such as sexual or physical, then get away and don't look back. Also, seek out a therapist because you will need one. Co-dependency is an issue with abuse and breaking those cords will be more difficult than you realize. Another consideration will be other family members (siblings, aunts uncles etc.) who are basically good people, but will not deal with the abusive persons. They will constantly put pressure on you to "normalize" your relationship with the abusers. These well meaning, but ignorant people enable the abusers.
Again, it depends on the level of abuse. If it's not "extreme," then over time, and with the help of a therapist, you will be able to have limited and controlled contact with these people. Since they are family, you will find it difficult to never have contact again. They will reach out with confessions and seemingly contrition, which will be a strong draw on your emotional reservoirs. For example, at some point, one of them will have a medical emergency, and you will have to deal with it. This is where a good therapist can help you with establishing limited contact and boundaries.
Confrontation with an abuser never works out. They will deny the abuse, accuse you of being vindictive, and eventually increase the level of abuse.
Good luck.0 -
It depends on the degree of abuse. If it's "extreme," such as sexual or physical, then get away and don't look back. Also, seek out a therapist because you will need one. Co-dependency is an issue with abuse and breaking those cords will be more difficult than you realize. Another consideration will be other family members (siblings, aunts uncles etc.) who are basically good people, but will not deal with the abusive persons. They will constantly put pressure on you to "normalize" your relationship with the abusers. These well meaning, but ignorant people enable the abusers.
Again, it depends on the level of abuse. If it's not "extreme," then over time, and with the help of a therapist, you will be able to have limited and controlled contact with these people. Since they are family, you will find it difficult to never have contact again. They will reach out with confessions and seemingly contrition, which will be a strong draw on your emotional reservoirs. For example, at some point, one of them will have a medical emergency, and you will have to deal with it. This is where a good therapist can help you with establishing limited contact and boundaries.
Confrontation with an abuser never works out. They will deny the abuse, accuse you of being vindictive, and eventually increase the level of abuse.
Good luck.
This is well-put, but I do have two issues: verbal abuse can still be pretty "extreme"; and I really, really don't have any issue never having contact with some of my family members ever again.0 -
If you want to cut off contact and have peace of mind, tell each family member that you're distancing yourself from them. With your brother being so violent you may not want to tell him in person and he should understand that you WILL call the police if he ever tries to hurt you again. No one, not even family, is worth compromising your well being.
If confronting them seems too big a task right now, distance yourself by staying busy - too busy to attend family gatherings.0 -
You don't have to bother making any sort of big announcement, but just distance yourself. Get an unlisted phone number, move away from them, don't contact them or respond to their attempts to contact you. Avoid them whenever possible, make sure that they don't have access to your contact information (whether phone, email, address, etc) but only giving that out to trusted individuals. Change your name if you have to. Eventually they'll get the point. If not, get a restraining order served against them, which means they will be arrested if they come within a certain distance of you. They can't put you through drama if they can't come near you.0
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This may be something you want to talk to your therapist about.
I0 -
Stop answering phone calls. Have someone else listen to and delete the voicemails. Unfriend them on FB. Block their email addresses. Don't open letters, just toss those straight in the trash.
A nerdy movie quote that helps me: "Strange game. The only winning move is not to play."
So don't play.
You are not obligated to tell them why you are doing this. Sometimes trying to let them know why just gives them something else to abuse. It will only invite more drama as they feel the need to keep dragging you back into it and you feel the need to make them see what they did wrong. Abusers rarely recognize what they did. Trying to get them to admit to it is useless and only keeps you in the sick cycle.
You are not obligated to give them a 2 weeks notice. They forfeited that right long ago when they abused you. So don't tell them, don't offer an explanation, don't put yourself out there to be abused. Just cut everything off with them.
Just leave them. And stay gone.
This is how I did it.0 -
I moved away and didnt give them my address or phone number. I'm sure there was drama but I didnt know about any of it. Same situation for me.0
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I think telling them serves no purpose but to cause drama which it looks like OP is trying avoid. Just slowly phase them out. Answer the phone less and less, don't go to family gatherings as much. Eventually you'll not have to deal with them and it will appear that you guys just grew apart instead of it being a consious decision on your part:)0
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I agree that verbal abuse can be extreme and life scarring. All abuse is simply wrong. I guess "extreme" to me is criminal behavior that results in the potential loss of life, or a person's health is permanently harmed. And it would be nice if we didn't have to have any future contact with any abusers, but unfortunately, it has been my experience that the abused can never bring themselves to completely distance themselves from their abusers. In most cases, the abused have relatives that they don't want to cut off, so they will stay in contact with them. It's these enablers that keep trying to draw the abused back into the "family."It depends on the degree of abuse. If it's "extreme," such as sexual or physical, then get away and don't look back. Also, seek out a therapist because you will need one. Co-dependency is an issue with abuse and breaking those cords will be more difficult than you realize. Another consideration will be other family members (siblings, aunts uncles etc.) who are basically good people, but will not deal with the abusive persons. They will constantly put pressure on you to "normalize" your relationship with the abusers. These well meaning, but ignorant people enable the abusers.
Again, it depends on the level of abuse. If it's not "extreme," then over time, and with the help of a therapist, you will be able to have limited and controlled contact with these people. Since they are family, you will find it difficult to never have contact again. They will reach out with confessions and seemingly contrition, which will be a strong draw on your emotional reservoirs. For example, at some point, one of them will have a medical emergency, and you will have to deal with it. This is where a good therapist can help you with establishing limited contact and boundaries.
Confrontation with an abuser never works out. They will deny the abuse, accuse you of being vindictive, and eventually increase the level of abuse.
Good luck.
This is well-put, but I do have two issues: verbal abuse can still be pretty "extreme"; and I really, really don't have any issue never having contact with some of my family members ever again.0 -
Stop answering phone calls. Have someone else listen to and delete the voicemails. Unfriend them on FB. Block their email addresses. Don't open letters, just toss those straight in the trash.
A nerdy movie quote that helps me: "Strange game. The only winning move is not to play."
So don't play.
You are not obligated to tell them why you are doing this. Sometimes trying to let them know why just gives them something else to abuse. It will only invite more drama as they feel the need to keep dragging you back into it and you feel the need to make them see what they did wrong. Abusers rarely recognize what they did. Trying to get them to admit to it is useless and only keeps you in the sick cycle.
You are not obligated to give them a 2 weeks notice. They forfeited that right long ago when they abused you. So don't tell them, don't offer an explanation, don't put yourself out there to be abused. Just cut everything off with them.
Just leave them. And stay gone.
This is how I did it.
THIS! You don't owe them anything; just never speak to them again.0 -
you can say that once you know what level of abuse I have had to deal with.. Which you will never knowI agree with MissMdM, man up, stop being a fanny0 -
Stop answering phone calls. Have someone else listen to and delete the voicemails. Unfriend them on FB. Block their email addresses. Don't open letters, just toss those straight in the trash.
A nerdy movie quote that helps me: "Strange game. The only winning move is not to play."
So don't play.
You are not obligated to tell them why you are doing this. Sometimes trying to let them know why just gives them something else to abuse. It will only invite more drama as they feel the need to keep dragging you back into it and you feel the need to make them see what they did wrong. Abusers rarely recognize what they did. Trying to get them to admit to it is useless and only keeps you in the sick cycle.
You are not obligated to give them a 2 weeks notice. They forfeited that right long ago when they abused you. So don't tell them, don't offer an explanation, don't put yourself out there to be abused. Just cut everything off with them.
Just leave them. And stay gone.
This is how I did it.
Awesome advice!
You deserve better, you don't have to discuss/share/defend anything with them. As stated above, they forfeited any rights to a civil relationship a long time ago. Game over.0 -
I think stop calling. If they call you for family events make excuses why you can't go. If you have to volunteer do it so you have something else to do. They'll get the message. If they get harassing change your telephone number. Don't forget to block them on Facebook even if you aren't friends.
If you rent, moving at the first change and don't let them know where you go. Good luck with everything!0 -
if its as bad as you say, do not make an announcement and expose yourself to further abuse.
i had a situation like this and i didn't take their calls and eventually moved away and never informed them.
if they are cancerous cut them right out of your life and never look back - it was the best thing i ever did and i've never regretted it and its been 15 years.0 -
they allowed my brother to keep on physically abusing me, telling me it is my fault... And when I needed to go to hospital they would not take me because they were scared of the nurses finding out what happened.. Sounds life threatening to me
I agree that verbal abuse can be extreme and life scarring. All abuse is simply wrong. I guess "extreme" to me is criminal behavior that results in the potential loss of life, or a person's health is permanently harmed. And it would be nice if we didn't have to have any future contact with any abusers, but unfortunately, it has been my experience that the abused can never bring themselves to completely distance themselves from their abusers. In most cases, the abused have relatives that they don't want to cut off, so they will stay in contact with them. It's these enablers that keep trying to draw the abused back into the "family."It depends on the degree of abuse. If it's "extreme," such as sexual or physical, then get away and don't look back. Also, seek out a therapist because you will need one. Co-dependency is an issue with abuse and breaking those cords will be more difficult than you realize. Another consideration will be other family members (siblings, aunts uncles etc.) who are basically good people, but will not deal with the abusive persons. They will constantly put pressure on you to "normalize" your relationship with the abusers. These well meaning, but ignorant people enable the abusers.
Again, it depends on the level of abuse. If it's not "extreme," then over time, and with the help of a therapist, you will be able to have limited and controlled contact with these people. Since they are family, you will find it difficult to never have contact again. They will reach out with confessions and seemingly contrition, which will be a strong draw on your emotional reservoirs. For example, at some point, one of them will have a medical emergency, and you will have to deal with it. This is where a good therapist can help you with establishing limited contact and boundaries.
Confrontation with an abuser never works out. They will deny the abuse, accuse you of being vindictive, and eventually increase the level of abuse.
Good luck.
This is well-put, but I do have two issues: verbal abuse can still be pretty "extreme"; and I really, really don't have any issue never having contact with some of my family members ever again.0 -
you can say that once you know what level of abuse I have had to deal with.. Which you will never knowI agree with MissMdM, man up, stop being a fanny
All you ever do in any thread you post is find the one piece of advice that doesn't work for you and argue with it. That is the only interaction you provide in your continual posting about these issues.
You will not get the help you need by breezing by all the support that you could actually use and instead spitting angrily at the comments that you can simply discard.
Thread after thread of this from you. This forum is NOT your personal battleground against the frustrations that we, as mentally ill people, fight.0 -
I think telling them serves no purpose but to cause drama which it looks like OP is trying avoid. Just slowly phase them out. Answer the phone less and less, don't go to family gatherings as much. Eventually you'll not have to deal with them and it will appear that you guys just grew apart instead of it being a consious decision on your part:)
This works. We call it "minimizing" the relationships. Just be oh so very busy all of the time. Working, with friends, alternate holiday plans and then play dumb whenever they actually get in touch with you. Impossible to carry on a one-sided relationship so they will tire.0 -
Please consider finding a therapist who can help you figure out how to make the break, and support you if your resolve wavers. If you don't have health insurance, try contacting an agency/shelter for abused women. Pehaps they can hook you up with at least some short term counseling.0
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I have a "less than functional" family of origin as well. While they were not overtly abusive, I can't say much more about them, especially my parents/step-parents.
I do have a sister that I get along with, although sometimes that relationship is difficult for me, because our parents really set us up for conflict and competition for most of our lives. Our relationship consists of monthly (or so) phone calls and maybe a visit every other year. We are friendly to each other when we're together.
As far as my parents, I have found that over time I have just faded out. I just let the calls get further apart, moved far away and stopped visiting, and generally don't pursue contact with them.
I'm not sure of the circumstances, and whether your family would agressively pursue you and insert their presence in your life, but moving away and cutting down the contact is a great way to "fade away" without a lot of drama.
I can remember when I was a kid I would think, "Someday, I'm going to move far away and never come back." Eventually, I did and I'm not one bit sorry.0 -
sounds like they don't deserve any sort of explanation. cut the cord and move on.0
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i'm so sorry that you had to go through this. your family is supposed to be your support system, and they have broken that.
i do agree that distance would be safer and healthier for you emotionally, as well as seeking counseling advice to talk out your feelings. however, i also think you should at least let your feelings be known.
if confronting them face to face is unsafe (fear of them lashing out in anger) you may want to put your thoughts and feelings down in writing. i'm talking actual paper, not an email. you can let off emotion through the physical act of writing and it also tends to be more sincere to the recipient; more serious and important because you took the time. neither you nor they can heal and move past this if you don't tell them calmly how this affects you. it is possibly that they may still blow you off or spew hurtful words and threats. they may not care or see that what they have done is wrong. fine. let them refuse to accept it. YOU will be better for it because you gave them the chance. better still would be if they actually are enlightened by this and want to change. if that is the case, keep the distance. ask them to seek counseling with you. let them earn your trust again.
i suggest this because if you do just lock them out and disappear, not only will they never recognize that it was THEM that drove you away and therefore will never change, YOU will also struggle with moving past that hurt. it can follow you and eat at you for years, and do you really want that kind of past to restrict your future happieness?
above all, be safe. if anything, talk a friend or a safe family member into being a moderator until you make your decision.0 -
Don't be a coward. Tell them. Then get some distance to allow everyone to cool off. Don't slink away. Take what they have to say. Recognise where their coming from and don't let their anger dictate your reaction. This is your life.
If they want to be in your life and your prepared to make an effort then they'll be apart of your future.
These arnt just any people. You really only have one family
"Family" doesn't mean squat if they beat you and treat you like a non human. I am blessed to have a lovely family, but I can empathize with someone who doesn't. Leaving a situation like the OP's without a word is very courageous and not the least bit cowardly. Please, consider the situations of others before declaring "but's it's your family, you owe them."0 -
OP- just leave. Eff the lot of them. Family is more than blood. You are NOT a coward and you don't owe them a thing. And this is coming from a person with a large, supportive bunch of blood relatives.0
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that is really great advice quirkytizzy
in response to
(Stop answering phone calls. Have someone else listen to and delete the voicemails. Unfriend them on FB. Block their email addresses. Don't open letters, just toss those straight in the trash.
A nerdy movie quote that helps me: "Strange game. The only winning move is not to play."
So don't play.
You are not obligated to tell them why you are doing this. Sometimes trying to let them know why just gives them something else to abuse. It will only invite more drama as they feel the need to keep dragging you back into it and you feel the need to make them see what they did wrong. Abusers rarely recognize what they did. Trying to get them to admit to it is useless and only keeps you in the sick cycle.
You are not obligated to give them a 2 weeks notice. They forfeited that right long ago when they abused you. So don't tell them, don't offer an explanation, don't put yourself out there to be abused. Just cut everything off with them.
Just leave them. And stay gone.
This is how I did it.)0 -
Don't be a coward. Tell them. Then get some distance to allow everyone to cool off. Don't slink away. Take what they have to say. Recognise where their coming from and don't let their anger dictate your reaction. This is your life.
If they want to be in your life and your prepared to make an effort then they'll be apart of your future.
These arnt just any people. You really only have one family
"Family" doesn't mean squat if they beat you and treat you like a non human. I am blessed to have a lovely family, but I can empathize with someone who doesn't. Leaving a situation like the OP's without a word is very courageous and not the least bit cowardly. Please, consider the situations of others before declaring "but's it's your family, you owe them."
Lol good lord. You need to learn to quote accurately.
I want the OP to fully realise the totality of what their suggesting. I know abuse. And I know forgiveness too.
If the OP needs to walk away for safety then so be it
If there's another way then I think it's worth trying
But that's just my two cents.0 -
I have a "less than functional" family of origin as well. While they were not overtly abusive, I can't say much more about them, especially my parents/step-parents.
I do have a sister that I get along with, although sometimes that relationship is difficult for me, because our parents really set us up for conflict and competition for most of our lives. Our relationship consists of monthly (or so) phone calls and maybe a visit every other year. We are friendly to each other when we're together.
As far as my parents, I have found that over time I have just faded out. I just let the calls get further apart, moved far away and stopped visiting, and generally don't pursue contact with them.
I'm not sure of the circumstances, and whether your family would agressively pursue you and insert their presence in your life, but moving away and cutting down the contact is a great way to "fade away" without a lot of drama.
I can remember when I was a kid I would think, "Someday, I'm going to move far away and never come back." Eventually, I did and I'm not one bit sorry.
This. A million times, this! I'm in transition right now and even though I have had surprise visits every now and then, they have gotten fewer and fewer as time goes on. We're saving up money to be able to move far away. I deleted all of my internet pages that my family knew about and changed a lot of my contact information. Unfortunately I have had to also cut off contact with a few people that I didn't want to, as insurance for when I do get out of here. I can't leave breadcrumbs.
I wish you the best of luck in your journey.0
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