Rude comments from "friend" and finally getting it out!
30togomoveit
Posts: 116 Member
My friend of 30+ yrs (we are 38), feels it's ok, I guess, maybe b/c I let it go most times, to make rude comments to me. Wether it's about weight/WW/food/my gym activity. She has been unsupportive in the past. Do I expect her to be on board w/ all of my activities? No, but I do expect to be RESPECTED and her not be rude! I need to finally put my foot down and tell her. Passing comments do NOT work w/ her. You have to be blunt. Here is what set it off today!
She just moved in w/ new beau and wanted me to meet him and see her/their new place. I went w/ the kids (9 & 4 yr old twins). She found a bag of stocking type toys for Xmas. One of them (well, 3, 1 toy for each kid) were those "pooping" candy type toys. A cow, a pig and a monkey. She says to me:
You don't need to go to Weight Watchers, just have hubby play this for you. The held up the oinking pig toy. I said: I think I would just throw it across the room. (in a nice way, I told her I didn't find her comment funny at all). Her BF didn't laugh, she's the only a***** who laughed!
In front of my 3 kids and her new BF that I met 5 min ago?? REALLY?? Thanks! I am going to sit down and write her a letter about the past yr as I have let it go that long, or more!
Am I being too sensitive or is she just being an A**???
She just moved in w/ new beau and wanted me to meet him and see her/their new place. I went w/ the kids (9 & 4 yr old twins). She found a bag of stocking type toys for Xmas. One of them (well, 3, 1 toy for each kid) were those "pooping" candy type toys. A cow, a pig and a monkey. She says to me:
You don't need to go to Weight Watchers, just have hubby play this for you. The held up the oinking pig toy. I said: I think I would just throw it across the room. (in a nice way, I told her I didn't find her comment funny at all). Her BF didn't laugh, she's the only a***** who laughed!
In front of my 3 kids and her new BF that I met 5 min ago?? REALLY?? Thanks! I am going to sit down and write her a letter about the past yr as I have let it go that long, or more!
Am I being too sensitive or is she just being an A**???
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Replies
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I didn't want to lose it (verbally) on her in front of the kids and her new BF. I felt I was being respectful to not make it a big deal. The more I thought about it later today, I am fuming!0
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I don't think you're being too sensitive because it doesn't seem like this is an isolated incident. Regardless, if it truly upset you (which it seems it did) then it doesn't matter whether you're being over-sensitive or not. If it upset you, you have the riht to let her know that.
Just my two cents... good luck! :flowerforyou:0 -
If it's upsetting you then I would definitely have a word with her BUT as you have been friends for so long maybe a quiet word in her ear might work
Explain to her that those types of comments really don't help you and also hurt you 
She may just be trying to be funny but sometimes people just don't think how others might not get it *hug* and how words can hurt somebody else :frown:0 -
What i think you should do is write the letter now. Then wait an hour until you've calmed down, and reread it. If you still agree with what it says wholeheartedly, go ahead and send it. If not, rewrite it, and then repeat this process until you're satisfied.0
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Wow! What a great friend! Who needs enemies with pals like that?0
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It isn't right that she puts you down. I have a family member who does that same thing. I know exactly how you are feeling right now. I would tell her face to face exactly how you feel in a calm manner and say that it is hurting you deeply and that if it continues, that you will no longer be able to be around her. Maybe that sounds harsh, and I know you probably don't want to lose a friend, but a friend would not do that to you also.
I'm not in the situation, nor do I know her side of things.
But I do think it's important to talk calmly face to face.
That's my thoughts.
I hope that you two can work things out and that she can understand how the comments are making you feel.0 -
No, unfortunately this is NOT an isolated incident.
I have made comments to her saying her comments are not supportive in the past but i guess she just doesn't get it.
I feel sometimes she acts very immature and tries to be funny to get attention! She is the type of friend who I need to take in small bursts b/c of her personality! She does have positive qualities but lately I'm not feeling it!0 -
That doesn't sound like much of a friend:ohwell:
Sometimes we outgrow friendships perhaps it's time to find more positive supportive friends that are in your corner, just a thought.:flowerforyou:
I agree, I think saying your feelings in person would be more direct, telling her there's something that's been bothering you and you need to get it out. A letter sounds good in theory but you won't know the reaction as she's reading it and somethings really do need to be done face to face to make them more effective.
You sound like a good friend , you deserve better, 30 years is a long time to have the same friend, sometimes one trys to make a change and the other either knowingly or unconsciously begins to sabotage it bit by bit. I think you need/DESERVE positive ppl in your life especilly right now while you're working on changing your life.
Good luck,
Becca:flowerforyou:0 -
Thanks everyone for the input! I just wanted an objective opinion here! 0
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Ok I couldn't get past the pooping kids toys. What in the world? I've never heard of those and I have four kids.
Yes, it seems like you need to say something to her. Is she over weight? People tend to make comments like that to make themselves feel better.0 -
I know someone exactly like that and it's so upsetting. I know everyone's different, but I think sometimes people like that really don't realize that they are being so RUDE!!!!! I think you handled it really well by not altogether loosing it but not letting her walk all over you. I don't know if it would work, but I would probably tell her how much getting in shape means to you, and if she has nothing kind to say to you than you would prefer that she say nothing at all on the topic. It's so frustrating when people don't think before they open their mouth. Good luck to you and keep up the hard work!
~Julie0 -
Well you pretty much summed it up when you said that you let it go for so long. This should've been nipped in the bud a long time ago. But obviously, all of this goes deeper than just random insults. She may be jealous of you and your weight loss success. Since she's prob in denial that she's jealous and doesn't know how to handle it, its easier for her to insult you. BUT that being said, people will only treat you the way you allow them to treat you. So its time to stop blowing it off and confront the issue head on. Let her know that you will not tolerate her disrespect anymore. It may cost you the friendship, but you have to take in consideration what is more important you, being respected or just having a "friend". You have to love yourself enough to know that you don't deserve to mistreated by anyone. If you confront her and she doesn't respond or stop her behavior, then its time to cut her loose.......0
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She's always been smaller than I have but I wouldn't say she's overweight. She could afford to tone up I guess. She's no skinny-mini supermodel. She will constantly say...well since I have lost so much weight or my clothes don't fit b/c I have lost so much....(she's not exercising or dieting and she eats garbage so I don't know how she's lost weight..unless it's by NOT eating). I don't really see that's she's lost weight either and NO I'm not jealous of her by any means!
A few months ago, over the winter, she told my SIL that "I try to make her (me) make bad food choices." I have yet to mention that to her b/c I didn't want to rat my SIL out or "bring her into it" but SIL can't stand her and said she doesn't care if I said anything to her about it!
Seriously..I fell like this is HS BS and I'm going to rid myself of it! I hope! We will see how she responds!0 -
You are not being too sensitive. She is not being sensitive enough. It does not seem that she is a true friend, and definitely not a supportive one. You do not deserve to be treated any way but respectful. You are deserving of friends that are supportive of you, no matter what you do, what you weigh or what you think. You are worth much more than she is showing you.
The fact that she said these things in front of others, ESPECIALLY your children tells me that she is not a friend. Find one that appreciates what you are truly worth. :flowerforyou:0 -
Well I'm really sorry to have to tell you this but it seems your "friend" is really not a friend at all. She's probably only been hanging around you all these years because you are the one with "the problems" you re "the heavy one"
A good way to find out would be to lose all the weight and get fit too and see how chummy she is after that.
I would drop her/AKA start ignoring her and not answeing her phone calls and replace her with someone else.0 -
Nicely put..Well you pretty much summed it up when you said that you let it go for so long. This should've been nipped in the bud a long time ago. But obviously, all of this goes deeper than just random insults. She may be jealous of you and your weight loss success. Since she's prob in denial that she's jealous and doesn't know how to handle it, its easier for her to insult you. BUT that being said, people will only treat you the way you allow them to treat you. So its time to stop blowing it off and confront the issue head on. Let her know that you will not tolerate her disrespect anymore. It may cost you the friendship, but you have to take in consideration what is more important you, being respected or just having a "friend". You have to love yourself enough to know that you don't deserve to mistreated by anyone. If you confront her and she doesn't respond or stop her behavior, then its time to cut her loose.......0 -
Yup...if the friendship is lost..at this point, I am ok w/ that! I have thought long and hard about it. I guess I just needed to get some opinions to see if I was being over sensitive (as I know I can be sometimes).
Thanks for the support everyone.
I do have many supportive friends. Unfortunately this one is not and she is toxic to me at this point!
It's sad at our age!
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I am also going to let her know that my hubby would NEVER talk to me like that (show me an oniking pig toy)! Sorry for so many separate posts...distracted by kiddos! Headed out to playground w/ them now to get some of their energy out!
I ♥ this website and glad I'm back to posting in it! 0 -
Also..sorry...last post for now, I PROMISE...I am beating myself up about it b/c I KNOW I have let it go and I'm partly to blame for it continuing. I am not great w/ confrontation w/ certain people in my life! It's something I'm learning to work on.0
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Nicely put..Well you pretty much summed it up when you said that you let it go for so long. This should've been nipped in the bud a long time ago. But obviously, all of this goes deeper than just random insults. She may be jealous of you and your weight loss success. Since she's prob in denial that she's jealous and doesn't know how to handle it, its easier for her to insult you. BUT that being said, people will only treat you the way you allow them to treat you. So its time to stop blowing it off and confront the issue head on. Let her know that you will not tolerate her disrespect anymore. It may cost you the friendship, but you have to take in consideration what is more important you, being respected or just having a "friend". You have to love yourself enough to know that you don't deserve to mistreated by anyone. If you confront her and she doesn't respond or stop her behavior, then its time to cut her loose.......
Couldn't add anything else....you are worthy of being respected.....this is toxic behavior......from a toxic person.....choose who you wish to be around. True friends build you up, not tear you down. You have the choice to answer her calls or allow her into your life. These kinds of people do have good qualities but sometimes if just "ain't worth it." I have let a few "friends" like this go in my life. Experience (and age) teach you to let them go. Time heals and you will find someone else who is a healthier friend. 0 -
Be thankful that she is only a friend and not someone that lives in your home with you. But no you are not being too sensitive it sounds like she is being a rude B$%^h! Put that foot down and don't take it from her anymore. I always do my workouts before the chickens get up or after the night owls have gone to sleep. My kids of all the people in the world make fun of me to the point that they make me cry when I try to work out in front of them. My oldest is the worst. She gets her good jeans from her dad. she is 10 5 ft and about 85 pounds. She is gorgeous and she never lets anyone forget that she is far more beautiful than the rest of us. My husband trys to be supportive but he is a couch potato and doesn't like to eat anything healthy. I even try to cook different meals for him and than kids than I do myself and they just yell at me for making me something different. They think I am being snotty and stuck up. However, i have tried to cook healthy meals for all of us and none of them eat and I end up having to throw food away and making them something different anyhow. BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY I FEEL YOUR PAIN AND FRUSTRATION. Good luck on your journey.0
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She's a "frenemy"--I know someone just like her!0
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When i read this first thing that stood out was she is jealous!
You have three little ones who just love you no matter how you look!
PLUS your married.
It seems strange to be meeting her beau & new place all in the same moment.
Wouldn't you be meeting this new man like ages ago before they move inn ?
It's really hard to advocate for yourself especially as she got moved into a family position instead of a friend.
I think it's humane nature to take more subtle put downs & plain out verbal abusive from our family.
Look at it this way she is giving you an opportunity to stand up for yourself!
I liked what some one said write then wait an hour.
I would only do this face to face.
This behavior has established it self in the relationship.
I would say things like have you noticed your the only one laughing!
A joke is when we all find it funny but to roast some one is just a cheap shot !
When someone does that type of behavior they are not happy in there life.
BUT IT"S NOT OKAY to let them either.
When you first start correcting her it will be uncomfortable for you both.
Now if it was one of your children you would have no problems correcting them.
But she is not a mind reader & is unaware that her comments are hurtful.
Keep telling her & it will not feel good but its what you do as it will benefit you both.
What your learning is to respect yourself well done & now your learning to see you matter.
Your advocating for yourself !!!
You might work through this and you may not.
All the best to you!0 -
The "rude comment" side of here I first noticed in all of these years was ironically, 11 yrs ago, when I was planning my wedding that she was in! Hmmmm....strangly ironic!
I have often thought she has been jealous of me (married, kids, house). She has mentioned wanting all of the above in the past.
Never met new BF before b/c they have been only together for 6 months and just moved in together a few weeks ago, in the new place.
Sorry to the person whose kids make fun of her while she works out. That is awful and I would NOT tolerate that! You are in charge there! I hope that gets better for you!0 -
Wow! What a great friend! Who needs enemies with pals like that?
i agree0 -
I wish I could say all of this is not real and these things have not really been said to me but sadly, I am quoting her!0
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Wow, what an unbelievably rude 'friend'. It reminded me of the antics of a teenage girl. She sounds really insecure and yes, quite jealous of you. I'd say It makes her feel like a better person by putting you down. If the b/f was a decent person you would think that even he would have thought that rude and wonder what kind of friendship you have. Is she really that important to you? I think if it were me I'd tell her to take a hike. You really don't need people like that in your life. I know I wouldn't. I hope you have a happy ending with this one, no matter what you choose to do.
Good luck with your weight loss too.0 -
Yup...if the friendship is lost..at this point, I am ok w/ that! I have thought long and hard about it. I guess I just needed to get some opinions to see if I was being over sensitive (as I know I can be sometimes).
Thanks for the support everyone.
I do have many supportive friends. Unfortunately this one is not and she is toxic to me at this point!
It's sad at our age!
nope! I was your age when I dumped my BFF of 30+years! I have never missed her insults or the way she repeated what I told her in confidence in front of ppl to make me look bad.0 -
I know it's been a long term relationship, but she IS NOT A FRIEND. Distance yourself from her and find true friends. Why put up with the abuse, just because it's familiar?0
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Yup...if the friendship is lost..at this point, I am ok w/ that! I have thought long and hard about it. I guess I just needed to get some opinions to see if I was being over sensitive (as I know I can be sometimes).
Thanks for the support everyone.
I do have many supportive friends. Unfortunately this one is not and she is toxic to me at this point!
It's sad at our age!
nope! I was your age when I dumped my BFF of 30+years! I have never missed her insults or the way she repeated what I told her in confidence in front of ppl to make me look bad.
My mom always said people do not change, and I believe her!
My 'friend' loved to repeat things I said. When I began working with her at the same office I finally got the nerve to speak with her. I took her outside and bought her a cup of coffee. I lovingly told her she was important in my life, and I loved her. I explained that she knows my entire life-good and bad-and I didn't want my new co-workers to know my business. I asked her to NOT discuss me at all in the office, so that we could continue to be friends. She of course denied she ever did that.............'I would NEVER betray your confidence! I cannot believe you would even SAY that!!!'
So I go back to my desk, not there 5 minutes when my other friend (who sat 5 cubies away from her) calls me, holds up the phone, and I can HEAR her in the background annoucing to whomever is listening(and the office mgr office was right there!) that
"Jeannie's husband must be drinking or she is losing her mind..............maybe she is depressed because her mother was so ill for so many years and now she needs therapy............a lot of therapy........." on and on and on she went...........blah blah blah...........
I thanked my friend for letting me know.
That was the last day I spoke with her. Never explained.
Do what you must but do not allow her to taint the good you are doing.0
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