Rude comments from "friend" and finally getting it out!
Replies
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I know it's been a long term relationship, but she IS NOT A FRIEND. Distance yourself from her and find true friends. Why put up with the abuse, just because it's familiar?
:drinker:0 -
WOW..what an unbelieveable amount of support on here! That is great. Makes me love this website even more. Mind you, I am not looking for a pity party here...I just want to make that clear. I have seen some sites that would "put that out there" that I'm trying to get sympathy. I am not. As mentioned before, just looking for objective opinions of someone not involved in the situation and validating to myself if I was over reacting or not!
THANK YOU!!! I am more than ready to go thru w/ this conversation/letter!
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I agree with most of the advice given above. Sure write the letter to her but don't send it. She'd just use it as fodder for a future attack.
I especially like arewethereyets concept of dropping her cold. No fanfare, no drama. (My guess is this chick luvs the drama).:indifferent:
She calls. You go "This isn't a good time now. Kid 1 needs me. Gotta go. Toodles." Each and every time she calls. If you've got call waiting, don't even answer.
If she emails, fake up a bouncing email message like this:
Mail Delivery Subsystem
Delivery to the following recipient failed permanently:
30togomoveit
Technical details of permanent failure:
Google tried to deliver your message, but it was rejected by the recipient domain. We recommend contacting the other email provider for further information about the cause of this error. The error that the other server returned was: 550 550 5.1.1 <30togomoveit >: Recipient address rejected: User unknown in virtual mailbox table (state 14).
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Many women make the mistake of thinking longevity means more than it does. You have a hubby and kids and stuff to take care of. You need positive people in your life ~ helping you be the best you. This chick ain't one of those people.0 -
At first it's hard to dump a friend but in the end, you fill your time, energy, and emotion with more worthy things/people. My "friends" from high school actually dumped me and it was hard to figure out why. I think we went in different directions in life. I got a good job and they bounced from job to job making minimum wage. Whenever we went out, I had to drive AND pay. Once I started telling them I wouldn't pay anymore, they stopped wanting to hang out as much. Oh well. Catching up on Facebook years later proved that neither one of them amounted to much but they were still friends with each other. I guess it's true that you can outgrow people in your life. There nothing wrong with that and nothing wrong with you. :flowerforyou:0
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she doesn't sound like much of a friend. Let her have it. good luck on your weight loss.0
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I agree with most of the advice given above. Sure write the letter to her but don't send it. She'd just use it as fodder for a future attack.
I especially like arewethereyets concept of dropping her cold. No fanfare, no drama. (My guess is this chick luvs the drama).:indifferent:
She calls. You go "This isn't a good time now. Kid 1 needs me. Gotta go. Toodles." Each and every time she calls. If you've got call waiting, don't even answer.
If she emails, fake up a bouncing email message like this:
Mail Delivery Subsystem
Delivery to the following recipient failed permanently:
30togomoveit
Technical details of permanent failure:
Google tried to deliver your message, but it was rejected by the recipient domain. We recommend contacting the other email provider for further information about the cause of this error. The error that the other server returned was: 550 550 5.1.1 <30togomoveit >: Recipient address rejected: User unknown in virtual mailbox table (state 14).
===================================================================
Many women make the mistake of thinking longevity means more than it does. You have a hubby and kids and stuff to take care of. You need positive people in your life ~ helping you be the best you. This chick ain't one of those people.
Dump her like a hot potato. I like the suggestions to get you off the phone. As for the email, you don't have to go through creating a phony message. Most email servers have the ability to "block" messages from a particular address, or even a particular domain. Just block her, and you won't have to worry about getting any emails.
I vote with those who say, don't waste your time explaining, just cut off contact. If you are ever in a situation where you have to explain yourself to her or someone else, you can simply say you found her comments to you in front of your kids were inappropriate and you chose not to subject your kids to that kind of behaviour.
Good luck.
BTW, brianjessica -- While your kids are young, give them an education in respect for others. Get your husband on board with the concept of "consequences" for in appropriate behaviour, and the next time they give you nonsense about what you are making for yourself, or give you grief about exercising, inform them they have earned themselves once week of eating what YOU want to eat instead of what they would like to eat, and let them know if they choose not to eat what is placed in front of them, they can experience hunger because you are not a short order cook!!!0 -
wow. i must say reading through the posts that we have a lot of caring people, and unfortunately 30togo your longtime friend is not one of them.
anyone who has ever struggled with their own weight and been uncomfortable about their body would be horrified to be on the receiving end of her joke with the stupid pig.
gosh, i found myself wondering how badly she would have slammed me when i started here last fall at 301 lbs. my current weight of 175 is closer to you, and though i still need to drop more weight, i never, never would have accepted anyone making a pig joke about me- even at my heaviest. that is just cruel.
and in front of your kids and the new bf (the bf that one would hope she wanted to like you).
nope, not caring what good qualities she might possess. all i see is cruelty, insensitivity, total lack of good taste & manners.
don't think i'd want to let my kids think they should allow others to treat them this way either, just because the person says they are a friend. kids are always watching & learning lessons from what they observe us & our acquaintances do (whether we are aware of it or not).
you've got to deal with this in the way you are most comfortable (and will allow you to sleep without guilt). Personally, i think i'd send a brief note stating that i want no further contact (goodbye, have a nice life). and then stick to it, don't accept calls, etc.
the only thing you didn't mention, with such a long time friend are your family and hers close, so that "breaking up" with her is impractical, because the families still get together? that would be the only reason i might try to salvage any relationship, and i still would cut back & limit contact with her. good luck. even if all the reasons to cut contact are right, it can still be hard. wishing you the best.0 -
wow thats worse than her friends comment. back in october my daughter then 7 saw me failing miserbly at jumping rope. she said i love it when old people exercise. i handed her the rope and said lets see you do it. she was jumping rope like rocky. i thought it was pretty funny though.0
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sorry that was to brianjessica0
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To answer the ? about her and my family being close? No, it's just her and her Dad (her Mom passed away 15 yrs ago). If I saw her Dad out and about, we would chat but we don't go out to dinner or whatever, together! So that is not an issue.
My sister knows her quite well b/c we have been friends my whole life (pretty much) and b/c they have worked in the same place together. My sister (like most people in my life....my BFF, my hubby, any other friends/family) do not care for her. Not just b/c of the things they have heard her say to me but b/c of her personality.
On another note, she can be very caring (works @ Hospice) and helpful. She has helped me a lot thru the yrs w/ watching the kids for me while I go to an appointment or dog sitting for us. I have not asked her for her help lately b/c of my feelings lately. I would have felt like a hypocrite asking for help but then complaining about her so I have not asked her much in the past yr or so.
But the rude comments outweigh the help she is willing to offer to me & my family. I can't get past the comments anymore!0 -
......A few months ago, over the winter, she told my SIL that "I try to make her (me) make bad food choices." .......
Does she indeed! She is not a true friend she is using you as a butt for her cruelty. It is all about control by the sounds of it.
"Friends" like that you can do without, I would rather be on my own that have somebody like that in my circle x0 -
Hmm, the people we're closest to are sometimes the most cruel.
To be honest it sounds like your 'friend' has real self esteem issues and makes herself feel better by picking on you, what you have to do is, put those comments out of your head, and don't bother handing out with her as much, maybe ask her how she would feel if someone said those things about her, or anything else in her life.
Tell her how you're feeling about what she does, ask her to listen to you and talk in a calm way, don't get upset and don't spit venom, tell her you need support not hate, if she truly is a friend she'll look at her behaviour and realise what she's doing, this hopefully should lead her to apologise and you can both move on. If she doesn't and instead goes on the attack or starts making excuses and blaming it on you....
...well I hate to say it but she's probably not someone I'd personally want to ever be around.0 -
I called her out on similar behavior before (she told me once that she was going to put pig chip clips..yes I guess she has a faciniation w/ pigs, on the snacks at work b/c they were doing a Biggest Loser competition there). This came up b/c she asked me "don't they have temptation type things on that show (as she knows it's one of my favorite shows). I told her that would not make her friends w/ anyone! I guess calling her out on it tames it down for awhile, but not for good!
I do not know what her beef (no pun intended) is w/ the world b/c obviously it's not just me (work people too). Hopefully she's nicer to the new boyfriend or she will be alone (again). I just don't get it b/c she CAN have a big heart sometimes!
Crazy thing is..when I have joked about moving (away from family drama)...she says she will want to move where ever I go! She does have some serious self esteem issues, I have come to realize!0 -
I called her out on similar behavior before (she told me once that she was going to put pig chip clips..yes I guess she has a fascination w/ pigs, on the snacks at work b/c they were doing a Biggest Loser competition there). This came up b/c she asked me "don't they have temptation type things on that show (as she knows it's one of my favorite shows). I told her that would not make her friends w/ anyone! I guess calling her out on it tames it down for awhile, but not for good!
I do not know what her beef (no pun intended) is w/ the world b/c obviously it's not just me (work people too). Hopefully she's nicer to the new boyfriend or she will be alone (again). I just don't get it b/c she CAN have a big heart sometimes!
Crazy thing is..when I have joked about moving (away from family drama)...she says she will want to move where ever I go! She does have some serious self esteem issues, I have come to realize!
Sorry "30" but unless you are studying psychiatry and need a case study, I still say "run away" from this sad person. You can't help someone who doesn't, apparently, want to change, but sticking around can damage YOUR self esteem and adversely affect your kids' response to the world and to you.
Good luck!0 -
:flowerforyou: Friend of 1 year or 50, you handeled that a lot better then i would have. Specially in front of your kids and her new man. That had to have made him uncomfortable also. I think you do need to talk with her about it. Good luck, and keep up the good work.0
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wow thats worse than her friends comment. back in october my daughter then 7 saw me failing miserbly at jumping rope. she said i love it when old people exercise. i handed her the rope and said lets see you do it. she was jumping rope like rocky. i thought it was pretty funny though.
After reading all of the support on here and everyone elses thoughts I sat down with my family (husband, and children) and told them that if they didn't have anything good to say then just keep thier big mouths shut! I told the girls that they always ask for help folding their laundry and doing homework and fixing bike chains, so until they are perfect they need to quit picking on mom who has given birth to all of them there for this is why I am in this shape and I told the husband that he is bigger than me so instead of complaining about the workouts and healthy foods maybe he shoudl give it a try and until then take the same advice as the kids were given...JUST SHUT UP! The girls said they never want to be as big as me and they have been working out with me even the 11 month old baby trys to help... he sits on my tummy while I do my crunches and chest flies. The husband said just cook one meal and we will either eat it or go hungry. No more complaining. I think sometimes people just need to know that they aren't really being all that funny and their resistance is sometimes really hurtful even when they think it is funny or appropriate some times, most of the time it is just rude and un called for to begin with.0 -
I am glad to see you stuck up for the life changes MamaJess!0
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Just in case anyone else is scratching their head about the last post from "MamaJess"--I figured out the poster known as "brianjessica" must have changed their login since their initial post in this thread.(That is possible. You do have the option of changing your login-one time-after starting your account.)
Regardless of what you call yourself---Congrats on standing up for yourself. :drinker: And keep up your efforts to better health.:flowerforyou:
I hope the original poster will come on at some point and let us know how things turned out for her.0 -
A guys perspective...
I definately get the feelings part and all the talk about friends like that etc...
But I feel it may be partially your fault. It sounds like this developed into a pattern of exceptance over time.
This pattern was formed by your refusal to step up and speak your mind, tell it the way it is, and or for fear that you would hurt feelings. Letters are great and all but with that much pain, you need to have a face to face. She will see the hurt as you speak and will either figure out that she has been insensitive, or feel that she has done nothing wrong. If you write a letter, it will cause you to speak anyway. I know the value of letters and feelings, but in this case tell her. If you cry, then use it, its real, if you yell, then maybe she needs that to get a clue. She sounds like an insensitive good friend, try and help her to understand you, tell her how to help you, tell her what motivates you. If she is a true friend she will change her behavior and you will become closer.
I have friends and value each and everyone of them, the ones who bottle things up and then hit you with bombs because they held it in forever, are still friends. The ones who get mad, loud, accuse, disagree immediately, they are still friends, they are just different.
Good luck!
and no matter what happens, keep doing what is right to be healthy and fit for your children..
Big Vinney...0 -
She gifted your children candy and then insulted you about your weight in front of your them. This is all kinds of wrong for anyone to do... especially a friend. You can tell her off for your own release but if this is who she is or has become as a person it may be time to move on. You wouldn't stay with a man who treated you this way, right? Why do we as women always feel we have to make nice and get along? Anyhoo, if she doesn't shape up she really leaves you no choice but to move on. It's hard when you have invested 30 years in a friendship but do you really want to be subjected to 30 more years of her venom? Best wishes to you on this. I do hope she pulls her head out of her butt and realizes how hurtful she has been. If not, just remember it is ok to move on.0
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That is awful and I would NOT tolerate that! You are in charge there! I hope that gets better for you!
Sister --you said it! and so did Abby/Ann Landers: "People will treat you like a doormat only if you let them." Just let her go. No explaination, no conversation, no letter, no blow up. Stop making time for her and let the negativity she brings out of your life. IF she actually calls, a simple "I'm sorry I don't have the time ..." or "I'm sorry I just can't do that right now." No further expaination is needed on your part.0 -
I will eventually come back to post the outcome.
I did mention that unfortunately it's partially my fault, for letting it go so long and not having said anything concrete about it or any other comment. Although almost 5 yrs ago, she made a comment to me WHEN I was pregnant w/ my twins about my size and I called her out on it. It died down for awhile but for some reason, this past yr, I have not LOVED her as a friend very much!
I may end up having to talk to her about it b/c I think a letter will be a big slot of my time and yes, I will eventually have to talk about it anyway.
I have a feeling she will end up calling me tomorrow b/c on Sunday when I saw her, she asked me what my day looked like. I think she is off.0 -
unfortunately sometimes misery loves company... and she sounds miserable I have had friends like that in the past and i have had to cut ties... nice and friendly but not friends. People like that are just going to bring you down and at a time like this you need to surround yourself with those who are going to support you because it is hard enough to try and loose weight and negativity just makes it harder.0
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it is my experience that some people have no OFF button. That tiny thing in their head that tells them to shut up! I mean, we all think silly/stupid/mean things............we just never say them.That is awful and I would NOT tolerate that! You are in charge there! I hope that gets better for you!
Sister --you said it! and so did Abby/Ann Landers: "People will treat you like a doormat only if you let them." Just let her go. No explaination, no conversation, no letter, no blow up. Stop making time for her and let the negativity she brings out of your life. IF she actually calls, a simple "I'm sorry I don't have the time ..." or "I'm sorry I just can't do that right now." No further expaination is needed on your part.
The girl I dumped 17 yrs ago is STILL repeating my early life history to ppl in the office she moved to. She has no off button.0 -
HAHA..I love it. It's so true though. We all think things...sometimes we say them, but most times we don't! I love the OFF button connection!
I am editing the letter today and mailing it out!0 -
I think you should confront her one on one not with a letter.Friends do NOT tear each other down..they build one another up..Shame on her..0
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