Break Up Advice Needed!

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fara180
fara180 Posts: 1,260 Member
in Chit-Chat
i've been dating a man who is in the military. he is currently deployed and will not be returning to the states until July 12th. we started dating a few weeks before he deployed so the majority of our relationship has been through emails, phone calls, facebook and skype-dates. we have been "official," for about 5 months..which doesn't seem like it's a long amount of time but it sure as hell feels like a lot longer. anyways,

while i care deeply for this man, i don't want to continue dating him. our lifestyles are drastically different and we do not share the same life goals and dreams- in fact, his dreams directly conflict with my own (example: he wants a military career, which involves constant moving around; i want to be a social worker who works with the same group of people in the same area for long periods of time, etc.)

he also wants to get married in the near future, which i definitely do NOT want. i have also developed interest in other men, and i am frustrated that i cannot pursue new possibilities because i'm attached to someone that i don't want to be attached to. i realize that i am not ready for the serious relationship that he desperately wants. i have wanted to end our relationship for weeks but i can't bring myself to do it because he is always telling me how much he "needs me," while he is deployed and that i'm the only thing that keeps him sane while overseas...but I'M going insane by having to pretend that i still have feelings for him. i don't think it's fair for either of us...

how do i go about ending this relationship a) without feeling like the wicked witch of the west b) avoiding unnecessary drama and c) preserving a friendship with him for the rest of his deployment so he isn't too lonely.

thanks in advance!
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Replies

  • TattednPierced
    TattednPierced Posts: 358
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    Tell him how you told us. Without using harsh words. You said, "While I care deeply for this man, i don't want to continue dating him. our lifestyles are drastically different and we do not share the same life goals and dreams- in fact, his dreams directly conflict with my own".. You tell him that.

    Tell him you're not ready to take the next step into marriage.

    Tell him you aren't ready for a serious relationship, either.

    If you're not too harsh and you're very sincere, he should understand..


    However, In the end, we don't know the guy, so we don't know how he will react to any type of break up.


    Best of luck.
  • iorahkwano
    iorahkwano Posts: 709 Member
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    Tell him how you told us. Without using harsh words. You said, "While I care deeply for this man, i don't want to continue dating him. our lifestyles are drastically different and we do not share the same life goals and dreams- in fact, his dreams directly conflict with my own".. You tell him that.

    Tell him you're not ready to take the next step into marriage.

    Tell him you aren't ready for a serious relationship, either.

    If you're not too harsh and you're very sincere, he should understand..


    However, In the end, we don't know the guy, so we don't know how he will react to any type of break up.


    Best of luck.

    Agreed. Tell him the truth. Not about being attracted to other men, but how about your future goals are not compatible because A, B, C & D.
  • SerenaFisher
    SerenaFisher Posts: 2,170 Member
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    Exactly what you told us... tell him.
  • MizTerry
    MizTerry Posts: 3,763 Member
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    Yeah, move on. He deserves someone who shares his goals.
  • YAYJules
    YAYJules Posts: 282 Member
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    Yeah, move on. He deserves someone who shares his goals.

    As does she.
  • Crochetluvr
    Crochetluvr Posts: 3,143 Member
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    Hurting him now is better than hurting him later. If he found you, he will find someone new when he gets home. Don't wait any longer....do it.

    ETA - Don't be upset if he doesn't want to be friends. Since you are the one that's breaking up, the decision as to any future relationship is in his court.
  • GrnEyz80
    GrnEyz80 Posts: 121
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    As a woman who was recently dumped let me tell you that the longer you wait to tell him the more it is going to hurt. Finding out that your partner has been having doubts for a LONG time hurts even more. You then begin wondering what parts of the relationship were lies and which were true. Just be honest, and let him ask questions. Because the WHY questions kill you later!
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,565 Member
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    how do i go about ending this relationship a) without feeling like the wicked witch of the west
    You'd be the wicked witch by letting it continue with no intention of staying
    b) avoiding unnecessary drama
    Be straight up. No lies and brutal truth usually help here.
    and c) preserving a friendship with him for the rest of his deployment so he isn't too lonely.

    thanks in advance!
    The friendship would be up to him at that point. You can't force a friendship.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
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    Been in fitness industry for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
  • vice350z
    vice350z Posts: 1,066 Member
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    there's NOTHING hard about this..."its just not working for me"....done. Why make it complicated?
  • diolpah
    diolpah Posts: 134 Member
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    there's NOTHING hard about this..."its just not working for me"....done. Why make it complicated?

    Because having one's cake and eating it is much more fun. Also, she's looking out for Jody's best interests, here.
  • jimandpam87
    jimandpam87 Posts: 62 Member
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    Hurting him now is better than hurting him later. If he found you, he will find someone new when he gets home. Don't wait any longer....do it.

    ETA - Don't be upset if he doesn't want to be friends. Since you are the one that's breaking up, the decision as to any future relationship is in his court.

    Agreed. Especially if you have feelings for other men...it's really unfair to him to be pining for other dudes while he's assuming you're in a committed relationship. I don't blame you at all for feeling this way, and kudos for caring enough to want to do this the right way. A lot of girls would just do what they please with other guys while he's away (I know, my bf is in the military...it happens a lot). But I agree with others...just tell him what you've told us here. He'll be hurt, but he'll be ok. You both deserve people who you are compatible with. I think the friendship thing will take time, but like others have said, it's on him.
  • vice350z
    vice350z Posts: 1,066 Member
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    there's NOTHING hard about this..."its just not working for me"....done. Why make it complicated?

    Because having one's cake and eating it is much more fun. Also, she's looking out for Jody's best interests, here.

    she says she cares for him but doesn't want to date him anymore....break it off and move on. Stop with the cake and eat it too...its that useless dangling that string in front of him bull**** just to have someone there for you. Dump him and just move on. There's plenty of dudes out there for her.
  • Brianna72994
    Brianna72994 Posts: 887
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    Don't beat me up for saying this, but maybe you should wait until he gets home to do this? He is serving our country. He is going through ALOT right now, do you really think he is in the position to deal with a break up? That is just personally what I would do.


    But in the end, you're the only one who really knows him. We don't. Does he really "need" you or is he just saying that? You need to keep his best interest in mind and do what YOU think is best for both of you! Best of luck, girl!
  • vice350z
    vice350z Posts: 1,066 Member
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    Don't beat me up for saying this, but maybe you should wait until he gets home to do this? He is serving our country. He is going through ALOT right now, do you really think he is in the position to deal with a break up? That is just personally what I would do.


    But in the end, you're the only one who really knows him. We don't. Does he really "need" you or is he just saying that? You need to keep his best interest in mind and do what YOU think is best for both of you! Best of luck, girl!

    its all about HER...why should she worry about what he thinks? Look out for yourself...at the end of the day that's all that really matters.
  • lilcupcake213
    lilcupcake213 Posts: 545 Member
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    there's NOTHING hard about this..."its just not working for me"....done. Why make it complicated?

    Because having one's cake and eating it is much more fun. Also, she's looking out for Jody's best interests, here.

    she says she cares for him but doesn't want to date him anymore....break it off and move on. Stop with the cake and eat it too...its that useless dangling that string in front of him bull**** just to have someone there for you. Dump him and just move on. There's plenty of dudes out there for her.

    Dramatic. This post is dramatic.
  • vice350z
    vice350z Posts: 1,066 Member
    Options
    there's NOTHING hard about this..."its just not working for me"....done. Why make it complicated?

    Because having one's cake and eating it is much more fun. Also, she's looking out for Jody's best interests, here.

    she says she cares for him but doesn't want to date him anymore....break it off and move on. Stop with the cake and eat it too...its that useless dangling that string in front of him bull**** just to have someone there for you. Dump him and just move on. There's plenty of dudes out there for her.

    Dramatic. This post is dramatic.

    touche cupcake...touche!
  • 5n0wbal1
    5n0wbal1 Posts: 429 Member
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    I was in the military. I'm married to a former soldier who has PTSD and was married before. He got married the first time just before his first deployment. When he returned, she was completely different. Their marriage was never the same. They (obviously) eventually got divorced.

    Trust me, if the two of your are wrong for each other, lengthening the time before breaking up will only make things worse. And he will change when he comes home. Deployment changes you. If you wait, it will only be harder. Just be gentle, and everything will turn out just fine.

    Don't feel obligated to stay in something you can't be happy with.
  • 5n0wbal1
    5n0wbal1 Posts: 429 Member
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    Yeah, move on. He deserves someone who shares his goals.

    As does she.

    Indeed.
  • 5n0wbal1
    5n0wbal1 Posts: 429 Member
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    Hurting him now is better than hurting him later. If he found you, he will find someone new when he gets home. Don't wait any longer....do it.

    ETA - Don't be upset if he doesn't want to be friends. Since you are the one that's breaking up, the decision as to any future relationship is in his court.

    Agreed. Especially if you have feelings for other men...it's really unfair to him to be pining for other dudes while he's assuming you're in a committed relationship. I don't blame you at all for feeling this way, and kudos for caring enough to want to do this the right way. A lot of girls would just do what they please with other guys while he's away (I know, my bf is in the military...it happens a lot). But I agree with others...just tell him what you've told us here. He'll be hurt, but he'll be ok. You both deserve people who you are compatible with. I think the friendship thing will take time, but like others have said, it's on him.

    Lol...a lot? It's the rule, not the exception.
  • vice350z
    vice350z Posts: 1,066 Member
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    i don't get why people think you should be considerate of the other person's feeling? YOU'RE not happy...who gives a fugg how that affects the other person...get it over with, break up and move on. What's so difficult about that?

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