All the weight I've lost, my boyfriend has gained?
Evebwahurn
Posts: 8 Member
Okay ladies, this is a tough one. So, my boyfriend and I have been dating almost four years and I love him to bits. However, in these four years, I managed to lose 40 pounds, and he's... put on about 25. He was super skinny as a kid, and had some 'fluff' on him when we started dating, but he's only about an inch taller than me and weighs about 60 pounds more than I do, and since he quit playing sports it's really mainly fat. We don't have the finances to live together, so I can't really know exactly what he's eating all the time, nor can I control it, and I've gotta say it's really starting to bug me. I'm trying really hard to better myself to become the best me possible, and yet he's sitting on the couch all the time drinking juice and playing NFL with Reddit on his laptop for good measure. I don't want to think of myself as shallow, but God damnit, I just want his old body back! He also used to be a hell of a lot lazy before he left his job and graduated college. He loves my new body, and I... really am not a huge fan of his. I can outrun him!! He used to destroy me at the gym! What the Hell!
Anyway, from what I've seen, his diet pretty much consists of cheap and easy. Bacon, eggs, A LOT of processed breads, a ****ton of 'liquid calories' such as chocolate soymilk, juices, pop & alcohol, lots of processed bulk meats and the more-than-occasional takeout and fast food burger. He also has huge portions and eats at really weird times of the day because, again, he wakes up late and goes to bed late. because he's up watching TV. sigh.
It's getting super frustrating to have him just ignore my efforts and hints, and I don't know what more I can do! Halp!
Anyway, from what I've seen, his diet pretty much consists of cheap and easy. Bacon, eggs, A LOT of processed breads, a ****ton of 'liquid calories' such as chocolate soymilk, juices, pop & alcohol, lots of processed bulk meats and the more-than-occasional takeout and fast food burger. He also has huge portions and eats at really weird times of the day because, again, he wakes up late and goes to bed late. because he's up watching TV. sigh.
It's getting super frustrating to have him just ignore my efforts and hints, and I don't know what more I can do! Halp!
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Replies
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cook for him. he has to eat it to be polite yeah? and you can make it healthy
besides may as well cook for two if you are cooking for one anyway. 0 -
I've tried!! He never likes what I cook for him because it's always chicken & veggies (my fault, I'm super picky and a terrible cook...) and when I do make something I know he'll like I tend to give him twice a normal portion... I guess I want to show him I love him by fattening him up? which is totally wrong!0
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Eventually, he will realize he needs to change.0
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Invite him to work out with you! Tell him how good it makes you feel and encourage him to do it. I just recently got my fiance to start working out with me. He hasn't made it to MFP yet, but I have every intention of getting him here one day. Good luck! 0
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He is a redditor.. use reddit then! hehe. Post something there about this and he might get the hint
give us the link and we will upvote you :drinker:0 -
Just tell him straight up to lose some weight and get back in shape....we are guys, that is the best way to communicate with us
And if your worried about upsetting him with something like this, don't. Sometimes people need to be upset or shocked to make a change for the better0 -
This advice will be unpopular, but take it anyway.
Leave him. You've described a generalized apathy that likely goes well beyond his weight.
Also, you're 20. Don't wear a boat anchor on your life's on-ramp.0 -
Just tell him straight up to lose some weight and get back in shape....we are guys, that is the best way to communicate with us
And if your worried about upsetting him with something like this, don't. Sometimes people need to be upset or shocked to make a change for the better
I am not a guy just a 50 yr old woman with a husband and marriage older than dirt, and I was going to say the same thing! If after this many years of marriage I have learned anything about the male of the species, it is "Hints" subtle or any kind, Do Not Work!...Just say it, don't be mean or sarcastic...they do have feelings...even if it doesn't see so sometimes....but just keep it simple, and tell him:)0 -
really, it's best to tell him straight-up.
tell him about how you loved his old body, wants his old attitude towards working out back.
tell him what you said here - because unless he's willing to make changes, you are going to have to change something about this situation.
if he makes empty promises ("yes i'll work out" but never does), then it's time to reconsider why you're still with this dude.
you're asking him to get to a healthy state for his own benefit as well as your own.
sure, it's hard work and it might be embarrassing for him to accept this truth, but get it out of the way and just hope that he understands enough to want to change as much as you do.0 -
All my guy friends gain weight when they're in long-term relationships. They don't really notice because they don't have to work as hard anymore since they have a girl already. I know this is a horrible attitude, but it's the truth. If they're in a steady place with a girl and she doesn't speak up, then they assume it's all right because she doesn't care. You can't lose the weight for him, so he'll have to lose it for himself. He's a man and can handle the truth so tell him what's on your mind straight-up--say it in a way to stroke his ego though somehow. Tell him to go lift weights or play basketball with his friends every other day or something. Perhaps you two can start spending time with each other while exercising: like riding bikes, swimming all day, hiking up-hill. I'm sure you can think of something fun
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What keeps you together? You are not married and you don't live together. You are struggling with his gain of 25 lbs and he's really not on the same health and fitness track you're on, right? I can say from experience that life takes many turns... a few lbs weight gain or loss is really nothing. If that's enough to derail your relationship I think you should look at the reasons you're still seeing each other in the first place.
You are very young. This is the time to focus on you. This is the time to make decisions in life that you will live with forever... don't settle. The world is huge.
When I first got married I was thin, but I'd been fat before while my husband and I were dating and then living together. After we got married I got fat again with our first pregnancy. My husband got fat too... we had two beautiful babies together. He loved me both thin and fat. He loved me when we were both poor and when we had plenty of money as well. I got a chance to see what it really meant to be a wife when he fell from our 2nd storey balcony while repairing it. He broke ribs and collapsed a lung. I took care of him and helped him with stuff while he had to recover... recovery added a few more lbs. We went through job losses together and babies and other challenges... when our sons were 3 years old and 2 months old he was killed in an accident. Now I'm navigating a new marriage with a blended family and 5 kids between us. You will face far bigger problems than weight gain in this lifetime.
You either love your boyfriend through thick and thin, for who he is, exactly as he is today, or you don't. Not many are on exactly the same page as their partner/spouse at all times when it comes to health and fitness. He was attracted to you when you were 40 lbs heavier, right? Did he love you less then? Do you love him less now? Big questions.
But any relationship will be put to the test. This is the very smallest of tests. Truly. Think hard...0 -
Definitely say something, especially being together for 4 years! If this is a serious relationship, meaning you two getting married, having kids etc. better to get in shape now rather later.... don't let his weight get in the way of why you love him! In the long run, he'll thank you for it!0
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This advice will be unpopular, but take it anyway.
Leave him. You've described a generalized apathy that likely goes well beyond his weight.
Also, you're 20. Don't wear a boat anchor on your life's on-ramp.
I agree (except the last part, I got married when I was 21).
I don't think that what you've described is a good foundation for a healthy relationship.0 -
What keeps you together? You are not married and you don't live together. You are struggling with his gain of 25 lbs and he's really not on the same health and fitness track you're on, right? I can say from experience that life takes many turns... a few lbs weight gain or loss is really nothing. If that's enough to derail your relationship I think you should look at the reasons you're still seeing each other in the first place.
You are very young. This is the time to focus on you. This is the time to make decisions in life that you will live with forever... don't settle. The world is huge.
When I first got married I was thin, but I'd been fat before while my husband and I were dating and then living together. After we got married I got fat again with our first pregnancy. My husband got fat too... we had two beautiful babies together. He loved me both thin and fat. He loved me when we were both poor and when we had plenty of money as well. I got a chance to see what it really meant to be a wife when he fell from our 2nd storey balcony while repairing it. He broke ribs and collapsed a lung. I took care of him and helped him with stuff while he had to recover... recovery added a few more lbs. We went through job losses together and babies and other challenges... when our sons were 3 years old and 2 months old he was killed in an accident. Now I'm navigating a new marriage with a blended family and 5 kids between us. You will face far bigger problems than weight gain in this lifetime.
You either love your boyfriend through thick and thin, for who he is, exactly as he is today, or you don't. Not many are on exactly the same page as their partner/spouse at all times when it comes to health and fitness. He was attracted to you when you were 40 lbs heavier, right? Did he love you less then? Do you love him less now? Big questions.
But any relationship will be put to the test. This is the very smallest of tests. Truly. Think hard...
^^^whoa, this! She put it perfectly.0 -
I can relate. I've lost over 30lbs in the last year and workout 5-6 times a week while working 30hrs a week, taking care of my 3 year old, cleaning/cooking/shopping/everything for the household/finances, and my husband is just putting on weight and complaining about it. I've tried telling him straight that I worry about him and I wish he would eat better, not just for vanity but because I want him around, and still he comes home from work -pigs out, sits on the couch, and waits for dinner. I hate it but I've found HE has to want it because before I committed to losing weight he would tell me stop complaining and do something about it if I was unhappy but I didn't until I got sick of being unhealthy.
I do what I can since I do the shopping and cooking. No soda in the house, cook as healthy as I can, and wait for summer so we can get outside. Other than that it's all him.0 -
What keeps you together? You are not married and you don't live together. You are struggling with his gain of 25 lbs and he's really not on the same health and fitness track you're on, right? I can say from experience that life takes many turns... a few lbs weight gain or loss is really nothing. If that's enough to derail your relationship I think you should look at the reasons you're still seeing each other in the first place.
You are very young. This is the time to focus on you. This is the time to make decisions in life that you will live with forever... don't settle. The world is huge.
When I first got married I was thin, but I'd been fat before while my husband and I were dating and then living together. After we got married I got fat again with our first pregnancy. My husband got fat too... we had two beautiful babies together. He loved me both thin and fat. He loved me when we were both poor and when we had plenty of money as well. I got a chance to see what it really meant to be a wife when he fell from our 2nd storey balcony while repairing it. He broke ribs and collapsed a lung. I took care of him and helped him with stuff while he had to recover... recovery added a few more lbs. We went through job losses together and babies and other challenges... when our sons were 3 years old and 2 months old he was killed in an accident. Now I'm navigating a new marriage with a blended family and 5 kids between us. You will face far bigger problems than weight gain in this lifetime.
You either love your boyfriend through thick and thin, for who he is, exactly as he is today, or you don't. Not many are on exactly the same page as their partner/spouse at all times when it comes to health and fitness. He was attracted to you when you were 40 lbs heavier, right? Did he love you less then? Do you love him less now? Big questions.
But any relationship will be put to the test. This is the very smallest of tests. Truly. Think hard...
I don't know what to say. You are very strong, and I am happy that you are navigating a new marriage. Like you said, life takes many turns...
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I 100% agree with the quotation above. There is more to a couple than weight loss and gain, and it does not really sound like this is the only source of discomfort that you are experiencing with him. You should talk to him.
When I started dating my boyfriend, we both put on a few (to put it gently for me!) more pounds. We're not as "thin" as we used to be, but we still love each other. A lot. Many of the people I know put on weight and work out less and less when they get in a relationship. They are more relaxed, they are happy and they eat whatever they want. They go out often at the movies or at the restaurant. It is normal.
My boyfriend is not on the same track as I am regarding fitness/health. He does not workout, and he eats a lot of junk food. Sometimes, I will suggest a healthier alternative to what he is craving, but I do not sweat it. It took a long time and a lot of frustration for me to finally want to change and eat better. He is supporting me, but I do not think it is in my right to impose my lifestyle on him if he is not interested in it. However, if he eventually wants to, I will be present all the way to support him.
It's more or less like smoking/drinking, right? Way less dramatic, of course, but you can't tell someone to change unless they really want to. It belongs to them to make that decision.
Good luck, keep us posted!0 -
Does he have a job?0
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Please read this because I really think it will help! The only reason I don't agree with the "leave him" advice is because we all go through lows in life. And reddit has a tendancy to suck in even the strongest of men He might be a little depressed- hear me out: There is a lot of evidence out there that links weird hours/ night shifts to depression. He might not be "extremely" depressed, but out of balance, and just comfortable sticking to what he's doing.
My husband (married almost 2 years, together for almost 3 before that), used to work the night shift, and he exhibited the same laziness, the same apathy. Since he started working normal hours, and we've started down this road of bettering ourselves together, he doesn't exhibit any of this behavior. He was in a rut. My suggestion is this, either talk to him about it directly, as people have suggested above- or include him in your weight loss plan. Give him something to feel motivated and inspired, a little competition could be fun, especially if he previously played sports! 40 lbs is a huge loss, btw- so congrats!!!! If you have further weight loss or fitness goals, set up a little Biggest Loser thing together, and use date nights as cheat meals or rewards. If you go a couple weeks and see no change, you can push him, encourage him, tell him you know he can do more. When you do see a change, rub his arms legs whatever and let him know you can see the change. Get flirty with it. My husband's arms have really being doing amazing things and I find myself getting distracted and having to touch them, sometimes I go really over the top, just to make him laugh.... he loves it and I can tell it really motivates him.0 -
What keeps you together? You are not married and you don't live together. You are struggling with his gain of 25 lbs and he's really not on the same health and fitness track you're on, right? I can say from experience that life takes many turns... a few lbs weight gain or loss is really nothing. If that's enough to derail your relationship I think you should look at the reasons you're still seeing each other in the first place.
You are very young. This is the time to focus on you. This is the time to make decisions in life that you will live with forever... don't settle. The world is huge.
When I first got married I was thin, but I'd been fat before while my husband and I were dating and then living together. After we got married I got fat again with our first pregnancy. My husband got fat too... we had two beautiful babies together. He loved me both thin and fat. He loved me when we were both poor and when we had plenty of money as well. I got a chance to see what it really meant to be a wife when he fell from our 2nd storey balcony while repairing it. He broke ribs and collapsed a lung. I took care of him and helped him with stuff while he had to recover... recovery added a few more lbs. We went through job losses together and babies and other challenges... when our sons were 3 years old and 2 months old he was killed in an accident. Now I'm navigating a new marriage with a blended family and 5 kids between us. You will face far bigger problems than weight gain in this lifetime.
You either love your boyfriend through thick and thin, for who he is, exactly as he is today, or you don't. Not many are on exactly the same page as their partner/spouse at all times when it comes to health and fitness. He was attracted to you when you were 40 lbs heavier, right? Did he love you less then? Do you love him less now? Big questions.
But any relationship will be put to the test. This is the very smallest of tests. Truly. Think hard.
All of this right here! Amennn! ..0 -
What keeps you together? You are not married and you don't live together. You are struggling with his gain of 25 lbs and he's really not on the same health and fitness track you're on, right? I can say from experience that life takes many turns... a few lbs weight gain or loss is really nothing. If that's enough to derail your relationship I think you should look at the reasons you're still seeing each other in the first place.
You are very young. This is the time to focus on you. This is the time to make decisions in life that you will live with forever... don't settle. The world is huge.
When I first got married I was thin, but I'd been fat before while my husband and I were dating and then living together. After we got married I got fat again with our first pregnancy. My husband got fat too... we had two beautiful babies together. He loved me both thin and fat. He loved me when we were both poor and when we had plenty of money as well. I got a chance to see what it really meant to be a wife when he fell from our 2nd storey balcony while repairing it. He broke ribs and collapsed a lung. I took care of him and helped him with stuff while he had to recover... recovery added a few more lbs. We went through job losses together and babies and other challenges... when our sons were 3 years old and 2 months old he was killed in an accident. Now I'm navigating a new marriage with a blended family and 5 kids between us. You will face far bigger problems than weight gain in this lifetime.
You either love your boyfriend through thick and thin, for who he is, exactly as he is today, or you don't. Not many are on exactly the same page as their partner/spouse at all times when it comes to health and fitness. He was attracted to you when you were 40 lbs heavier, right? Did he love you less then? Do you love him less now? Big questions.
But any relationship will be put to the test. This is the very smallest of tests. Truly. Think hard...
I agree with all of this! ^^ Sound advice~0 -
To me this does sound shallow. He was ok with you when you were 40lbs heavier correct? So I'm lost why you're not ok with him? I guess this is why some relationships do break up when one person loses weight or does a makeover.0
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call me negative nellie , i agree with this poster.This advice will be unpopular, but take it anyway.
Leave him. You've described a generalized apathy that likely goes well beyond his weight.
Also, you're 20. Don't wear a boat anchor on your life's on-ramp.
you dont live together - youre young, hes a slacker. there are better guys around..0 -
I'd say tell him how you feel and he should realise that you're only saying it out of love. You shouldn't feel like this and he needs to know that. Us guys take the hint, come on we're blind to subtle things like that lol0
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He should break up with you. If 25 pounds is that big of deal, you're not going to make it long term.
I gained and lost 50, and my wife stuck with me, and never said a bad word. We've both been thin, both been fat, she's been thin when I was heavy, and the reverse. She's been up and down through three pregnancies.0 -
I agree with the people who say tell him. How does he know unless you tell him that you're unhappy? Some people gain weight so gradually they don't even notice how much they put on.0
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MrsBigMack, That's a lot of wisdom from a lot of life lived. Thanks for sharing.0
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He should break up with you. If 25 pounds is that big of deal, you're not going to make it long term.
I gained and lost 50, and my wife stuck with me, and never said a bad word. We've both been thin, both been fat, she's been thin when I was heavy, and the reverse. She's been up and down through three pregnancies.
Well, n=1 does not make someone an expert on how weight gain/loss affects a relationship and what is healthy for the couple, so I think it's kind of funny when people bring their personal anecdotal evidence into the picture.
It sounds like the OP is not only complaining about his weight, but also his apathy, lifestyle, and overall difference from how she wants to live her life. Just like others have said OP, it is probably a good idea for you to think about what is important in your life and what your goals are, and if he is not/won't head in the same direction, you might need to consider breaking up. I think that this is an important discussion not only about weight, but also about what kind of life you two envision, whether together or apart.
Best of luck.0 -
It's a deal breaker. I agree with those who say it's not just the weight, it's the attitude.0
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Well, n=1 does not make someone an expert on how weight gain/loss affects a relationship and what is healthy for the couple, so I think it's kind of funny when people bring their personal anecdotal evidence into the picture.
Sigh, I'm not really serious.
That said, if you read enough threads here, you'll see that lots of people DO think you should break up:
"I weigh 400 pounds and my husband said I should lose some weight for my health."
"He doesn't love you! Controlling, abusive, and shallow. Divorce him! Take everything he has!"
It gets old after a while.
Here's my REAL advice: you can't control another person, and, you're a fool for trying. All you can do is set an example and hope they'll come along with you.
Would OP like it if her BF lost 25 pounds, and then decided she had to lose her 40? Probably not.0 -
Well, n=1 does not make someone an expert on how weight gain/loss affects a relationship and what is healthy for the couple, so I think it's kind of funny when people bring their personal anecdotal evidence into the picture.
Sigh, I'm not really serious.
That said, if you read enough threads here, you'll see that lots of people DO think you should break up:
"I weigh 400 pounds and my husband said I should lose some weight for my health."
"He doesn't love you! Controlling, abusive, and shallow. Divorce him! Take everything he has!"
It gets old after a while.
Here's my REAL advice: you can't control another person, and, you're a fool for trying. All you can do is set an example and hope they'll come along with you.
Would OP like it if her BF lost 25 pounds, and then decided she had to lose her 40? Probably not.
Haha ok, I got you. And yes I agree, every time I see a post that is like "My boyfriend doesn't find me attractive anymore," and then you find upon further reading that she's gained 60 pounds since they met...all the people shouting "shallow *kitten*!" make me want to roll my eyes. Of course he isn't going to be as attracted with you if you've put on 60 pounds of fat...physical attraction is part of a relationship, just like support, emotional attachment, intellectual stimulation, etc.0
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