Venting .....

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faithNlove212
faithNlove212 Posts: 203 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
Have you ever felt happy one day but depressed the next & then happy then depressed etc etc??? I am very thankful & blessed for the life I have. My fiancé & I have been together for over 8 years, we have a beautiful 2 1/2 year old son, a big lovely apartment right next store to my father & stepmother & I'm lucky enough to be a sahm while being a full time college student. So whats there to be depressed about?? So then I look in the mirror & say to myself "well that explains why I'm unhappy"

When I met my fiancé 8 years ago I was 140lbs in a size 6 the skinniest i've ever been. (I was a chubby child) then as years went by I got up to 200lbs size 16 my senior year of highschool. Then I managed to loose 4 years later & get down to 150lbs size 7-8. Then I became pregnant & now 2 years later Im 224.4lbs started at 232lbs 8 weeks ago so I'm down 8lbs. This is the heaviest I've ever been. But my fiancé has stuck with through it all showing me he loves me no matter what size I am. So I should be happy but I'm not.

I look at all my clothes hanging in my closet from sizes 6-8 & wonder how the he'll I let myself go & there's no one to blame but myself. I'd be happier if I wasn't this heavy, so why instead of sticking to my diet do I cheat? So then I get angry at myself & depressed because I knew it was wrong & the consequences are I gained 1.4lbs. I feel so stupid!!! I've let everyone down. Everyone who supported me. Everyone who was cheering for me especially my fiancé & son. I want this so bad it hurts. I'm sick of feeling so ugly. I don't even bother most days to do my hair or makeup or get out of my pjs. I feel as though what's the use? I don't feel attractive. Why if I want it so bad do I cheat?? It doesn't make sense!!! :sad:

Replies

  • stonebreaker0417
    stonebreaker0417 Posts: 13
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    i would suggest talking to your doctor. maybe there is something else going on why you feel depressed. i have been yoyoing and what not myself and i have been doing karate for the past few years. until last year i didn't want to do anything, hide in my pjs not do my hair had no enjoyment and what not. i talked to my dr and he put me on an anti-depressant. so far so good, i have been on it a few months and feel the old me again.

    please don't give up!
  • Laugher9395
    Laugher9395 Posts: 1 Member
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    Please don't beat yourself up. Everyone cheats, you are only human. There are worse things to be than overweight. So you had a glitch, who doesn't? Please don't be so hard on yourself, life is a journey and mostly it isn't a direct route...enjoy the detours and the stop offs because destination "lighter" will still be there. Good luck :smile:
  • owno9700
    owno9700 Posts: 24
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    It might be helpful to take stock of all of the events that have happened over the past 8 years. Write down all major events (i.e. babies, deaths, employment changes, financial, etc.) and see if you can see if there is a pattern to your weight gain. Sometimes, a series of events or even one single event can affect you emotionally which has a domino effect on your physical status.
  • vanessadawn
    vanessadawn Posts: 249
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    Yeah you should get it looked into. Weight shouldn't control your emotions that much. Our family has a history of bi-polar and I had a close friend diagnosed with a mild form of it recently. You should get yourself looked at because you never know, it is very common. Also those emotions can cause you to gain weight, as you try to self medicate with comforting food. Anyways best of luck to you, there is always a brighter future ahead don't give up!
  • katielouhoo
    katielouhoo Posts: 676 Member
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    i started dieting the end of august last year and i probably have another 25 lbs to go. it is hard, but you can do it.

    some things i've learned along the way- it is all about choices. i choose to exercise, i choose to not eat seconds, or a cookie. i choose the grilled chicken not fried. but this can only be done one choice at a time. so if you make a bad choice, just be sure the next choice is a good one.

    the other thing i have done is learn to substitute some low calorie things for food i often eat. for istance, there are all kinds of calories even in yogurt. and just because it says light doesn't mean there isn't a better choice. so, i eat the 80 calorie yogurt not the 100 calorie one. by being frugal with my calories, i have some at the end of the day for a treat.

    i keep a variety of snacks around that will be ok for me. everything from 10 calorie jello cups to 100 calorie packs. i try to keep both sweet and savory. if i can make a snack fit in and i have options to choose from, then i'm less likely to cheat.

    if you go over, you can try to make yourself exercise extra to "erase" it. sometimes, we just have to give ourselves a break and not beat ourself up too much about one choice. this journey is for the rest of your life,not just about the choices of the past or today. it takes some grit and determination, but you can do it. just dig down and grit your teeth, push forward, you can control this; don't feel helpless and defeated by it. it won't happen overnight, but it is totally possible to change forever.
  • faithNlove212
    faithNlove212 Posts: 203 Member
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    It might be helpful to take stock of all of the events that have happened over the past 8 years. Write down all major events (i.e. babies, deaths, employment changes, financial, etc.) and see if you can see if there is a pattern to your weight gain. Sometimes, a series of events or even one single event can affect you emotionally which has a domino effect on your physical status.

    my mother said the same thing!! In the past 8 years my parents have divorced, my mother who is not overweight has had 3 strokes, my grandfather passed away, my aunt passed away, my grandmother became I'll & now is in a home & doesn't remember who we all are, my dad got re-married, my mom moved in with her bf, I had a baby, started college at 23, 4 members of my dads side moved away so now only my moms side is around besides my dad & now I've been diagnosed with celiac disease. So yes, alot has happened!
  • luly727
    luly727 Posts: 202 Member
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    How long have u been feeling this up and down?? We all get down on ourself and beat ourselves up especially when we are overweight and not happy with the way we look. You said when u look in the mirror, u see why you are not happy :(
    I can relate to that.

    You didnt let anyone down, you fell off the wagon, and now you need to get back up and just finish what you started!!! No one is going to be perfect every single day. We all get tempted, we all slip up, but are you going to stay down or get back on the plan??

    No one can 'make' you do this, you have to want it so bad, that you keep getting up after every fall. Until you see how strong you can really be, and what YOU can accomplish. YOU YOU YOU, this is all about YOU!!!
    Is it easy?? HE** NOOOOO, but YOU are worth it, and when you want something bad enough you can do it. One day, One meal, one step at a time!!

    This is what I say to myself when I look in the mirror and cring :( Does that Ice cream ( or whatever ) taste so good on my tongue for a few minutes??? Hmmm but then I am going to deal with the added Lbs at my weigh in. Its not worth it. So I grab water, or a few crackers, talk to whoever will listen, go for a walk, turn the stereo on, dance like a fool..anything to get me out of the kitchen and away from the food.

    Just dont beat yrself up , pick yourself up, and get to it again. ONE DAY AT A TIME :):)

    Good Luck and vent all u want. If the 'sadness" keeps coming back and you feel like it may not be related to your self esteem and weight issues then please see your Doctor.

    Luly:flowerforyou:
  • faithNlove212
    faithNlove212 Posts: 203 Member
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    i would suggest talking to your doctor. maybe there is something else going on why you feel depressed. i have been yoyoing and what not myself and i have been doing karate for the past few years. until last year i didn't want to do anything, hide in my pjs not do my hair had no enjoyment and what not. i talked to my dr and he put me on an anti-depressant. so far so good, i have been on it a few months and feel the old me again.

    please don't give up!

    I have been wanting to do kick boxing but all the classes I've found are during the hrs my fiancé works. No babysitter :( my family all works as well
  • Mina133842
    Mina133842 Posts: 1,573 Member
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    I agree- talk to your Dr. I also went on a mild anti-depressant- it helped about a month or two later- noticed the little stuff didn't get to me as much. As far as not getting dressed, and not doing hair and makeup- have a friend come over one day - play at doing a makeover - or go to the mall and have the makeup gals do your makeup at Macy's or soemthing - fake it til you make it...you'll start to see differences as you go - the weight was added slowly, it'll come off slower - and don't beat yourself up when you make mistakes, that's just being human. biggest thing, love yourself too - and forgive yourself when you do make mistakes.
  • borjanap
    borjanap Posts: 232 Member
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    Does your gym offer child care. Some offer it while you are working out
  • faithNlove212
    faithNlove212 Posts: 203 Member
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    Does your gym offer child care. Some offer it while you are working out

    I stopped my gym membership months ago. I have a tredmill at home & I use workout DVDs. Can't afford paying for the gym if I never go, they didn't have a daycare so I could never find a sitter.
  • sindyb9
    sindyb9 Posts: 1,248 Member
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    You may want to talk to someone that is a lot to deal with. There are pleanty of kickboxing dvd's that you can do at home and babies love to dance around. Stressing out when you cheat is not going to help. You have to forgive yourself and start over. I cant count how many time I have started over. But everyday is a new day and I get right back on track. It is not easy but doable. I give myself pep talks all the time. I really want this so when I have to make a choice I will talk myself into the better healthy stuff.

    You can do this. Venting is a good start. :flowerforyou:
  • weaklink109
    weaklink109 Posts: 2,831 Member
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    I agree about seeing your doctor. Besides anti-depressants, there are things you can do. There is lots of benefit to trying cognitive therapy for depression. If you are not familiar with this concept, here is a link to information that will explain what it is, how it can help:

    http://www.webmd.com/depression/features/cognitive-therapy

    If you google "cognitive therapy for depression" you can find additional information. Your bookstore self-help area should have books available on the subject. There are also books and websites available on coping with grief and loss, and it sounds like you have had an overabundance of that in your life.

    One other thing that WILL help is--GET MOVING. Get on that treadmill. When you exercise, it increases chemicals in your brain that make you feel better. I have battled depression, not always successfully, and found I can really see the difference if I get out and walk. Depending on your kids ages, if you have a stroller, little red wagon, whatever, take them along, since you mentioned no sitter.

    Concentrate on making small changes. "Today, I will get dressed, put on some makeup and do my hair and go for a walk." "Today I will drink 8 glasses of water." "Today I will plan out a day of healthy eating." "Today I will do 30 minutes on the treadmill."(divide the time up if you have to.)

    Start small, and reward yourself (something not involving food is best:wink: ) when you do what you set out to do. Come on here and communicate with others. There are lots of MFP folks just waiting to help you succeed.

    Good luck!!
  • melodyg
    melodyg Posts: 1,423 Member
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    It might be helpful to take stock of all of the events that have happened over the past 8 years. Write down all major events (i.e. babies, deaths, employment changes, financial, etc.) and see if you can see if there is a pattern to your weight gain. Sometimes, a series of events or even one single event can affect you emotionally which has a domino effect on your physical status.

    Thanks for posting this! This helped me so much too... my weight has gone up every single time life has gotten stressful... but thinking about this helped me realize that it was pretty stable for a while until the past 7 years or so when life was one stress after another (job losses, stressful jobs, marriage issues, problems getting pregnant, pregnancy, trying to do it all while working full time, deaths, depression, and on and on...). Life has been more stable for a little bit now and I am finally feeling like I am in a place to lose weight.

    To the OP: I would talk with your doctor as well. I know I've dealt with depression off and on without meds and it is exactly as you say -- it is tough to get out of bed or care at all how you look. I still deal with that to an extent and really struggle with mood swings (NOT bipolar... just hormonal chaos). I still wish I liked who I see in the mirror. But right now... while I am NOT dealing with depression, I do have more energy and more ability to work on improvements to me. :)

    I have found it really helpful to focus on a different goal a week or something like that too, instead of the scale. I'll focus on getting in fruits and veggies, or getting in water, or making sure I take medicines every day (something I am not good at doing to my doctor's chagrin!). Right now I am trying to focus mostly on diet... I am doing some exercise as well but I have heard this is 80% diet. I would rather keep my diet on track and not exercise as much as keep my exercise on track and mess up food-wise. I do allow myself "treats" though -- which for me, means fitting foods that are not as healthy into my eating plan (fast food, frozen yogurt, etc.) I know that if I tried to live life and never have any of that, I would feel like I was failing all of the time.... and then I would be in even worse shape because I'd give up entirely.

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