My head needs to catch up with the mirror.

I apologise, this isn't a success story, it's a kind of along the way story.

In January last year I weighed my heaviest 258lbs and I was horrifed. I cried, I raged, I did all the things people do when they come to the realisation that they need to do something about this right now! So I did, I joined the gym. I went a couple of times a week for a while and messed around on the treadmill (walking, I couldn't run) and the elliptical. Going from 2 mins to 30 mins. I lost about 4lbs. Then I got bored of going alone and found excuses. I was too busy, I had work, it wasn't fair on OH or my son to go on a weekend. That kind of thing.

Then I went on holiday and wouldn't let anyone take pictures of me. My eldest son took one anyway (sneaky child) and eventually I saw it. I cried again and went back to the gym. Only this time I asked about OH joining with me. He's a wheelchair user with Spina Bifida at L1 level. We assumed that because of this he wouldn't be able to but I spoke to the gym staff anyway, just in case.

That day there was a personal trainer there and he was adamant that a wheechair was not a barrier to fitness and got me to bring OH along. We had a chat with him and OH decided to sign up for weekly sessions for 6 weeks to learn what he could and couldn't use/do in the gym. I caried on messing around on the elliptical and the treadmill. I still cried about my size.

October was my birthday, OH and family asked what I wanted as a present. I said personal trainer sessions., so everyone chipped in and I started twice a week in November. That 6 weeks ran out, so I asked for the same again for Christmas and got it and I carried on. I also started training with OH's wheelchair basketball team every week.

Fast forward to January and OH and I were having a chat about wanting to carry on but it being expensive (we're getting married in August). We worked it into our wedding budget as something we wanted to do for ourselves to feel good on our wedding day. We also cut a deal with our trainer and got a huge discount for booking 6 monhs of twice weekly sessions each and paying up front. We continued to train. I can now do short sprints, am kicking *kitten* (usually my own) on squats and picking up heavy things.

In this time I've played with MFP numbers, activity levels, BMR & TDEE and bought a Fitbit one. Some weeks the scales moved, some they didn't (there are a lot of those). I've not lost a ton of weight yet. I'm only down 30lbs from where I started last January 2012. But I've lost 3 dress sizes, so there must be a difference right? It must be obvious, surely?

Well. I can see it in my belly when I do a side comparison pic. But that is the only place I notice it. I can't see any change anywhere else. I look in the mirror and see the same fat, wobbly person with a ginormous chin (I was on steroids for 10 years and had the typical moon face) that was looking at last January.

OH has told me he can see a huge difference, so have my kids. I can see it that pic, but I can't see it in the mirror . Don't get me wrong, I'm not quitting. I will carry on, I will get to a healthy BMI and I will know on my wedding day that I did all I can to achieve the best me I can be on that day. It may take another 18 months but I will get to Onederland. I just hope, really really hope that I don't look at my wedding pictures and see the same fat blob I see now becaause my head won't catch up with the mirror.