Finding motivation at the lowest point

I joined a few days ago and just wanted to share a bit.

I see a lot of intro posts where people seem to be at the very bottom emotionally. I was there recently and wanted to share something that really helped me out. Enough to get off my can and to the gym, to this website, but more importantly, just to be able to walk out my front door.

I have PCOS so losing weight is very difficult for me. No matter how healthy I eat my weight is very hard to control. Last year, for the first time, I had finally been successful at weight loss, I had been within 10 lbs of my final goal when life events ruined everything. As it is with PCOS, within 2 or 3 months I realized I had gained back the 35 lbs it had taken a year of drastic measures to lose. I tried several times to get back into the swing of it (at least now I knew that I COULD lose it) but each time I failed to be able to do more than stop myself from continuing to gain. My self esteem got worse and worse. I knew now that I could lose weight, my lack of willpower must be the problem, clearly I was a horrible lazy person (yet another stick to beat myself with).

Finally, it was to the point where I had trouble getting out of bed, I was so depressed and lethargic. I slept as much as I could, went for weeks without leaving the house for even the grocery store. I was bored and would sit on the couch going back and forth between that and the fridge. None of my clothes felt flattering. Sitting was uncomfortable because I could feel my giant stomach in the way (I had briefly known what it was like to have a waist - it makes sitting so much easier!). I tried not to shower often because it was hard to be naked around myself. I refused to look in the mirror. All that hard work gone to waste!

But something helped me turn that all around. On a day when I had enough willpower to leave the house/be seen in public I went straight to the cosmetics store and bought myself some sparkly hair bands because my usually short hair had gotten long since I had refused to go out and get a haircut and it was annoying the snot out of me. While I was there I grabbed some mascara, eyeliner, and nail polish. Now, I am no girly girl (the only nailpolish I could see myself wearing was black) but perhaps being able to get up and make my face look cute would make me feel better?

Maybe I didn't feel good in any of my clothes, I certainly didn't feel good being naked to take a shower, but I could at least make my face and nails look fancy for when my girlfriend got home from work.

This turned into forcing myself to put on actual clothes instead of just sweats (even though I swore this didn't mean I needed to leave the house, in fact I allowed myself to say, "If I have to put clothes on then I REFUSE to leave the house and I am not allowed to feel bad about not leaving it either! I put clothes on and that is enough!"), I even made myself start wearing shoes to lazy about on the couch.

And then something awesome happened!!

I was bored, SO bored. But wait! I was already dressed. And looking cute! Why not leave the house? I had unintentionally made it so that on the off chance that I had the energy or desire to go for a walk I was ready right then! I didn't have to stop that momentum with the concern that.. "But that means I have to shower... and get dressed... and fix my hair.... and put on shoes... Meh, I am going to just go back to laying on the couch, pass the brie and crackers!" I was already dressed and presentable looking (It was cold enough that a large coat could hide that I looked like I helium-filled hippo in my clothes). I could add a colorful scarf and a cute hat.

This became a self-fulfilling prophecy. I would get up and shower (with my eyes closed if necessary), get dressed and put on eyeliner and mascara and a barrette, socks and cute shoes (shoes look good no matter how fit or not you are!). Suddenly in an hour I felt like going out. That turned into me trying the same trick with putting on gym clothes/shoes (and keeping upbeat music blaring through the house) before I ate breakfast. Soon, "I might as well walk to the gym (but I don't have to actually do any cardio, I am just going to walk there and back because I have nowhere else to walk to and it will be getting out of the house)". That turned into, "well... I am already here... I will only do 10 minutes, I don't have to do an hour. And I refuse to go anywhere near the elliptical machine!"

Suddenly I am going to the gym everyday!

So yeah, apparently the cure for depression is mascara and cute shoes. Pass it on.