becoming 'unsingle'...

trudijoy
trudijoy Posts: 1,685 Member
in Chit-Chat
I reckon there are people here who can relate to this so here goes...

I'm 32, successful in my career, doing quite well at this recreation of self thing (15 kg down since dec 26) and financially secure ish. I don't think I'm horribly ugly or whatever and I no longer think I'm fat.

But I'm struggling with how to 'become unsingle'. I haven't been in a relationship for a few years and the last three before that ended badly but through no fault of my own. Since moving to my new city I've been through two broken bones, depression, put on and lost 15kg, had other personal crap to deal with and found out my father has terminal cancer. Now finally I feel strong enough to actually look at my social life but.... I have no idea how to actually engage in any form of pre-relationship-ness. I look younger than I am and so I tend to attract guys who are too young for me when I'm out. I'm on online dating sites but they are sleazy. My friends are all married, with kids, apart from a few who are either single girls themselves or hot guys who are just mates (and no theres no chance there lol).

So who's been there? DO I just chill and let it happen? I'm not often in a position to meet new people. I did meet a guy in town a few weeks ago but he went overseas for a couple weeks and just got back last week. He's already asked me out but I'm a bit like aekrngm'setkhmrssre'g;tkrshy if you know what I mean lol.

Any light to be shed?

I spent so long trying not to be noticed so I could hide from the world and I'm over that now, but I don't know if the world realises!
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Replies

  • endoftheside
    endoftheside Posts: 568 Member
    Well first, I am not sure what aekrngm'setkhmrssre'g;tkrshy means, but if it means you are nervous, just go out with him anyway. Figure that there will be dates that are complete fumbles before you get back into the swing of things, and that's OK. Ask your friends and co-workers if they know anyone who might be a good match. Take up some hobbies where you might meet people with compatible interests/outlooks. Keep your head up and look people in the eye, and strike up conversations everywhere you go. You never know who you might meet, or who you might meet through the person you met.

    Good luck!! :flowerforyou:
  • sexymuffintop
    sexymuffintop Posts: 636
    I'm sure this thread will bring all the creepers to your yard. :love: :tongue:
  • WinnerVictorious
    WinnerVictorious Posts: 4,733 Member
    I'm a bit like aekrngm'setkhmrssre'g;tkrshy if you know what I mean lol.

    no, i honestly have no freaking clue what you mean.

    ???
  • steadk
    steadk Posts: 334 Member
    yes, I know how you feel.. Im just out of a bad marriage, and I want to pump up my social life too, but with a kid it makes it difficult. For me, so much of it was truly feeling good about myself (which you are already doing !) and stepping out of my comfort zone. I had to say hi to someone i didn't know... , i'm not the kind of person to do that. So, I would relax, maybe say hi to a few people that you normally wouldn't and just see where it goes. Good luck :)
  • denezy
    denezy Posts: 573 Member
    I know exactly what you mean. She's just not that into him.

    I say go out with him anyway. You need to get back on the horse and dating isn't perfect. Don't expect every guy to be your future husband, just relax and have fun. Get to know yourself and new people.

    Sadly at our age, the dating pool is shallow and we all have baggage. You need to put yourself out there and let whatever will happen, happen.

    And I should follow my own advice. Lol
  • kirstie1926
    kirstie1926 Posts: 48
    read this, you'll find your answer.

    http://jezebel.com/****-fate-and-date-like-a-grown-up-472976491
  • JacksMachine
    JacksMachine Posts: 106 Member
    Honey, you just gotta go shopping. Anytime your in a grocery store you have to walk past a whole lot of things that either aren't good for you or just aren't your taste before you find what you're looking for.

    Sometimes it takes a while, hell I'm still pacing the isle...lol
  • billsica
    billsica Posts: 4,741 Member
    If you are around hot guys all the time and your not trying stuff with them. Maybe you should switch teams?
  • trudijoy
    trudijoy Posts: 1,685 Member
    I know exactly what you mean. She's just not that into him.

    I say go out with him anyway. You need to get back on the horse and dating isn't perfect. Don't expect every guy to be your future husband, just relax and have fun. Get to know yourself and new people.

    Sadly at our age, the dating pool is shallow and we all have baggage. You need to put yourself out there and let whatever will happen, happen.

    And I should follow my own advice. Lol

    Nah its more like 'i have no idea how to handle myself in this situation but dont wanna freak out and screw myself over so im playing it cool i think but maybe i have no idea what im doing and im not used to that coz ive taken control of my life but i cant and dont wanna be controlling this kinda thing etc hard to explain'
  • sexymuffintop
    sexymuffintop Posts: 636
    If you are around hot guys all the time and your not trying stuff with them. Maybe you should switch teams?

    Best post of the day. :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Many LOL's
  • sabrinalee8
    sabrinalee8 Posts: 45 Member
    I know exactly how you feel, I'm fresh out of an awful marriage and am on a mission to improve my health, career and social life. While I was with my husband, I had no life and stayed at home all the time. Didn't see my friends, didn't go out and didn't care about my health or looks. But I'm changing all that now.

    Good luck!
  • Shetchncn1
    Shetchncn1 Posts: 260 Member
    Still married here but the best you can do is relax and be honest with yourself on your likes and dislikes. Get involved with the community somehow. Join groups that you might like or sports. Don't force it or worry about it. It will start happening on its own when it does. Just be careful with yourself, safe and honest with your likes and dislikes.

    You have been married before you can handle this ;p. They all put there pants on the same way
  • trudijoy
    trudijoy Posts: 1,685 Member
    Still married here but the best you can do is relax and be honest with yourself on your likes and dislikes. Get involved with the community somehow. Join groups that you might like or sports. Don't force it or worry about it. It will start happening on its own when it does. Just be careful with yourself, safe and honest with your likes and dislikes.

    You have been married before you can handle this ;p. They all put there pants on the same way

    haha no i haven't been married before ....
  • Beckboo0912
    Beckboo0912 Posts: 447 Member
    So I am/was slightly in the same boat...I got out of a bad relationship a while ago, I took some time for myself, work on me, raise my son...ok he's still only 2 but still. Anyway, I just let it happen, I went out with people, and at first I was super like I have to look good, I have to be all that and a bag of chips if I want to get noticed because I almost always ended up going out with people who looked better then I did. Then I went out with my brother, I know I know not like that, we went out to get a drink and dinner, he was getting married and blah blah blah. So we were out, I wasn't trying to hard, I looked decent but it was my brother, I don't need to get all gussied up for him, I was in jeans, a thsirt and boots, a north face, legit nothing special and we were just chatting, having fun...I suppose acting like friends and not like siblings...anyway, his friends ended up coming out (firefighters) most of them are hot, not just because they are ffs and I was still just me, and funny thing one of them aked for my number, I was shocked and we have since gone out a few times. So I guess just be you, don't try too hard, don't be anything but you. And enjoy the process, enjoy meeting those you don't like and those you do but for some reason aren't interested in you. Just enjoy it all! :)
  • bronnyd
    bronnyd Posts: 278 Member
    So who's been there? DO I just chill and let it happen?

    In my experience, yes...this is exactly how you do it! There is nothing wrong with wanting a boyfriend (I'm in the same boat right now too...been single about 2 years after ending a long relationship), but in my experience it always just kind of happens when you're not actively looking for it/thinking about it. I find that when I'm fixated on wanting a relationship it never comes to pass, and then as soon as I forget about it, boom, I meet someone.
  • tonytoo
    tonytoo Posts: 307
    I met my now wife 13 years ago on a dating website. It worked very well for us!
  • M______
    M______ Posts: 288 Member
    I can relate.

    I was in a bad relationship a few years ago. My sister died of cancer a few years back too, and now my father and aunty have terminal cancers. Life changes quickly sometimes and sometimes I don't feel like I am keeping up with everything. I have learned so much about myself since 2009-10, probably more than I did the previous 10 years before that. Slight exaggeration maybe, but that's how it honestly feels. Some of the things that have happened the past few years have completely reshaped my life and changed me as a person.

    Lots of negative things have happened and it would have been easy to run rampage on many occasions, but I have never really been that sort of character. Quite an introvert at times really, I thought a lot about how all of these changes would affect me and wanted to make changes that would bring positivity back in to my life. I re-connected with old friends, the better people that I had lost touch with. I studied nutrition because my diet was awful. Threw myself into learning and picked up a lot of new hobbies in that path. Now I'm exercising and striving to be in great shape, but I'm just at the start of that journey.

    I look younger than my real age too. Nothing much to be said on that, than to take it as a blessing. It would feel strange for me to date now because I feel quite pre-occupied and content with things. That being said, never close the door unless you want it closed for a good reason. I had my time for focusing on myself and I got a good deal back from that. I'm sure that through the not so good times you saw other people furthering their lives, most people at most times are just going with the flow. It doesn't hurt to put your toes in, sometimes you reap the most rewards by giving yourself permission to advance. Sometimes you only reap rewards that way. You don't need to be fully committed to dating, just being open is good enough.
  • BeachIron
    BeachIron Posts: 6,490 Member

    I haven't been in a relationship for a few years and the last three before that ended badly but through no fault of my own.

    I look younger than I am and so I tend to attract guys who are too young for me when I'm out.

    I did meet a guy in town a few weeks ago but he went overseas for a couple weeks and just got back last week. He's already asked me out but I'm a bit like aekrngm'setkhmrssre'g;tkrshy if you know what I mean lol.

    My only thoughts on this are that relationships are always a two way street. Very few relationships end because one person was wrong and the other was right without a mix of "blame" or whatever you want to call it. And if you have 3 go sour in a row and you don't look in the mirror, you may have just found your problem.

    I also don't know what the last statement means. Is he one of the ones that are too young for you? I'll also say that if I was you, I'd reassess and figure out if you're being realistic with your expectations.
  • grrrlface
    grrrlface Posts: 1,204 Member
    Best advice I got and I realise it now that I'm with someone younger than me was "always date younger guys because they never grow up anyway!" It is true, my boyfriend now is no different mentally than any older guy I've dated ;D so maybe age should be less of an issue?

    Is say just chill, go out, socialise and meet new people and eventually someone will come along. It always happens when you least expect it. ;D
  • Ramberta
    Ramberta Posts: 1,312 Member
    I'm a bit like aekrngm'setkhmrssre'g;tkrshy if you know what I mean lol.

    no, i honestly have no freaking clue what you mean.

    ???

    You don't speak keysmash?
  • Ramberta
    Ramberta Posts: 1,312 Member
    It was only AFTER I had resigned myself to the fact that I would be single and miserable forever (a resignation that I made at age 21) that I finally started having meaningful relationships. Haha.

    The truth is, other people can and will notice if you seem to be "looking", instead of just letting your life happen and taking a more casual approach to dating. Literally the only times that I've been asked out is when I'm already in a relationship! :laugh:

    You have gone through some rough times and come out on top-- I would imagine that you exude confidence naturally, because you have had the ability to turn your life around. Use that to your advantage, and don't seek approval from others-- instead, simply enjoy their company. If something happens, it happens. If not, it's not the end of the world.

    Also, as an aside, dating sites are only 'sleazy' if you go into it with that mindset. I met my ex on the internet (though not through an official "dating" site), and I have gone out with several guys from Craigslist (yeah yeah, hush). As long as you are smart and cautious about it, you have nothing to worry about! And it is often a much easier and stress-free way to get to know someone rather than "going out" all the time.
  • Ramberta
    Ramberta Posts: 1,312 Member
    read this, you'll find your answer.

    http://jezebel.com/****-fate-and-date-like-a-grown-up-472976491

    That was a good read, but the first comment under it is pretty much how I feel :tongue:
  • tas3980
    tas3980 Posts: 93 Member
    Bump for later!
  • trudijoy
    trudijoy Posts: 1,685 Member
    [/quote]

    My only thoughts on this are that relationships are always a two way street. Very few relationships end because one person was wrong and the other was right without a mix of "blame" or whatever you want to call it. And if you have 3 go sour in a row and you don't look in the mirror, you may have just found your problem.


    [/quote]

    so many kinds of wrong.

    1 decided he was still in love with his ex. 1 had a massive personal drama he chose not to put me through. 1 had to move overseas due to familial tragedy.

    so yeah, not my fault.
  • trudijoy
    trudijoy Posts: 1,685 Member
    I can relate.

    I was in a bad relationship a few years ago. My sister died of cancer a few years back too, and now my father and aunty have terminal cancers. Life changes quickly sometimes and sometimes I don't feel like I am keeping up with everything. I have learned so much about myself since 2009-10, probably more than I did the previous 10 years before that. Slight exaggeration maybe, but that's how it honestly feels. Some of the things that have happened the past few years have completely reshaped my life and changed me as a person.

    Lots of negative things have happened and it would have been easy to run rampage on many occasions, but I have never really been that sort of character. Quite an introvert at times really, I thought a lot about how all of these changes would affect me and wanted to make changes that would bring positivity back in to my life. I re-connected with old friends, the better people that I had lost touch with. I studied nutrition because my diet was awful. Threw myself into learning and picked up a lot of new hobbies in that path. Now I'm exercising and striving to be in great shape, but I'm just at the start of that journey.

    I look younger than my real age too. Nothing much to be said on that, than to take it as a blessing. It would feel strange for me to date now because I feel quite pre-occupied and content with things. That being said, never close the door unless you want it closed for a good reason. I had my time for focusing on myself and I got a good deal back from that. I'm sure that through the not so good times you saw other people furthering their lives, most people at most times are just going with the flow. It doesn't hurt to put your toes in, sometimes you reap the most rewards by giving yourself permission to advance. Sometimes you only reap rewards that way. You don't need to be fully committed to dating, just being open is good enough.

    thanks that makes a lot of sense. I think that sometimes it's something you can only understand if you've been there (as evidenced on this thread by some stupid comments lol) but at the end of the day like anything sometimes it helps knowing that other people get it.
  • trudijoy
    trudijoy Posts: 1,685 Member
    Best advice I got and I realise it now that I'm with someone younger than me was "always date younger guys because they never grow up anyway!" It is true, my boyfriend now is no different mentally than any older guy I've dated ;D so maybe age should be less of an issue?

    Is say just chill, go out, socialise and meet new people and eventually someone will come along. It always happens when you least expect it. ;D

    thanks x
  • trudijoy
    trudijoy Posts: 1,685 Member
    It was only AFTER I had resigned myself to the fact that I would be single and miserable forever (a resignation that I made at age 21) that I finally started having meaningful relationships. Haha.

    The truth is, other people can and will notice if you seem to be "looking", instead of just letting your life happen and taking a more casual approach to dating. Literally the only times that I've been asked out is when I'm already in a relationship! :laugh:

    You have gone through some rough times and come out on top-- I would imagine that you exude confidence naturally, because you have had the ability to turn your life around. Use that to your advantage, and don't seek approval from others-- instead, simply enjoy their company. If something happens, it happens. If not, it's not the end of the world.

    Also, as an aside, dating sites are only 'sleazy' if you go into it with that mindset. I met my ex on the internet (though not through an official "dating" site), and I have gone out with several guys from Craigslist (yeah yeah, hush). As long as you are smart and cautious about it, you have nothing to worry about! And it is often a much easier and stress-free way to get to know someone rather than "going out" all the time.


    thanks yeah i'm not 'on the prowl' but probably have been guilty of trying to push things along too fast in the past. I always was naturally confident but depression took that from me and i'm only now getting it back - i have it at work because i faked it because i had to but i only started applying the same principle to everything else this year. Plus I still feel fat and have to check myself and be like um no you're hot now :Laugh: :p
  • Skinny_minny_mo
    Skinny_minny_mo Posts: 1,272 Member
    hey trudi,

    congrats on achieveing all that you have!

    for me, one sentence stuck out:

    "I spent so long trying not to be noticed so I could hide from the world and I'm over that now, but I don't know if the world realises! "

    dont wait for the world to realise it. have you REALLY realised it?

    :flowerforyou:
  • trudijoy
    trudijoy Posts: 1,685 Member
    hey trudi,

    congrats on achieveing all that you have!

    for me, one sentence stuck out:

    "I spent so long trying not to be noticed so I could hide from the world and I'm over that now, but I don't know if the world realises! "

    dont wait for the world to realise it. have you REALLY realised it?

    :flowerforyou:

    yeah i've realised. depression is a mire and you tend to languish at the bottom of it and once you start to pull yourself out it takes a while but despite the crap life keeps throwing at me i feel essentially back to my own self except this area - i used to be a flirt and never really struggled to hit it off with people, was always quite popular etc and now i'm kinda having to rebuild myself socially is all.
  • pkw58
    pkw58 Posts: 2,038 Member
    I was in the same boat at your age. I found that the more I did the activities I enjoyed (sports, singing in my church choir, volunteering in my community, traveling) the more interesting people I met. I started a weekly dinner club and invited other singles to it. It was fun. Several of us decided to get summer musical tickets together. In real life, it is good to just get out and enjoy life. I loved my Saturday morning dance class, several of us would go have brunch occassionaly afterwards. It gets harder and harder to make new friends as we get busy with work, etc. after we are unsingle so enjoy the time to do so.

    Lots of my friends got unsingle through on line dating and just practiced safe meeting in person. It is good to have the friendships to fall back on as you meet people to date and consider becoming unsingle with.

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