I need help with getting the woman i love help

hroush · July 2010

My wife and I have always struggled with weight, but I have managed to lose mine (mostly). She, on the other hand, doesn't seem to care enough and actually is making it harder for me to lose the rest of mine. She had diabetes most of her life, but had a transplant so she is not anymore. I am afraid that she may become diabetic again if she doesn't change her ways.

Once a month or so we have the "diet" conversation where we will buy and eat better foods, work out, etc. but nothing ever comes of it. I know that she knows she is overweight and it really weighs on her, but she'd rather sit and read than do something. We have workout equipment, but she has only ever used them a couple times and comes up with excuses why she doesn't want to anymore. This was also last year when she had a wedding dress to think about, but she doesn't have that goal anymore either. Her life now consists of either laying in bed at home on the computer all day or going to work and sitting on the computer all day. I believe she has back pains now due to her back muscles not used to holding the extra weight.

Actually, she is the one that turned me on to this website, but she wouldn't make one herself saying that I should do it for her (i want to help her but part of losing the weight is actually seeing the numbers, so i refused). I have tried many ways of trying to help her eat better (goals, rewards, refusing to buy junk food), but she is a very picky eater, which makes eating at home more difficult. She loves to eat out, which only makes matters worse. I decided to only get salad once and she threw a fit and refused to eat anything she ordered (also salad) because it would make her look bad. And then there is the, "we don't have anything / don't have time for something / i'm mad at you, so I just won't eat anything" attitude leading to one meal a day.

I don't mean to sound like I am complaining, but I am just trying to lay everything out so that you all can help. This also weighs on me quite a bit because I know it is taring her apart. I know that a can't force her to change, do new things, eat better, etc., but can i get some help in trying to point her in the right direction without her bursting into tears because she thinks i am calling her fat?

CudyBug · July 2010

I don't know if this will help but have you maybe talked to her about how lucky she is to have had that transplant and how wasting it buy eating herself into diabetes again , is unfair to all the people who are waiting on the list that desperately need that transplant. There are children and people born with diabetes waiting for transplants. People who didnt cause themselves to have the disease who would love that transplant that she got.

I dunno how it would help but that is one thing that really bothers me. When people throw away an organ that someone else would love to have.

4lafz · July 2010

I hate to say this but she is not ready. A person has to be committed to a healthier "them" and ready to do the work to get there. You can talk to her but once she is ready, she will do it. Often eating has to do with other emotions or stress. Not sure what is going on in her life. When you talk - it should not be about diet - but health. Calories in and calories out - it has not changed in centuries. I wish you both the best.

DrBorkBork · July 2010

I didn't hear any complaining. I heard a heart-sick husband, desperately trying to save his marriage & his wife. The sad thing is, there isn't much you can do. She has to want to do it. When she hits rock bottom, she will find her way here, and you will be waiting (hopefully before it's too late). It's like leading a horse to water. You can't make him drink it. He has to genuinely want to drink.

I'm sorry this is such a trial for you. I wish I could be more helpful, other than offering my support and prayers that her heart will soften and she'll decide to go for it.

skygoddess86 · July 2010

It sounds like you really love her but I'm not sure I can say the same about her. She seems to be sabatoging all your efforts and making you feel guilty for things you should be so proud of. She sounds very selfish and unhealthy, mentally as well as physically.

hroush · July 2010

actually she tells me she loves me at least 10 times a day and gets angry with me when I don't say it back or if I am half a sleep and only mumble it (I grew up in a family where emotions were not expressed). though if she's mad at me she is not afraid to say that she doesn't like me or even that she hates me.

weaklink109 · July 2010

By what you describe in terms of behaviour and activity level, I will go out on a limb here and suggest you see if she will agree to be screened for depression. There are depression screening tests online. Maybe start the conversation along the lines of you took one and it made you wonder how she would score. You may think of a better way than that to bring up the subject. I agree that she won't make the effort to lose until she is "ready," but if depression is part of that equation, "ready" may never come without some sort of intervention.

Another thought, since she has had a transplant, doesn't she have follow up medical care? If so, maybe you can get her doctor to talk to her about what she is doing?? Again, just a thought.

Good luck to both of you.

xarrium · July 2010

I don't hear any complaining either--kudos to you for sticking by her, I think it shows just how much you love her.

From the way you've described her (low level of motivation, no desire to change even though she knows there's a problem), I can't help but wonder if she's depressed... I've heard that even with mild depression that doesn't affect your ability to do day-to-day activities like working, motivation levels go *way* down. There are also hormonal imbalances (hypothyroidism comes to mind right away) that can cause fatigue and/or depression. Maybe it's not that she's consciously *making* a choice to be unhealthy or sabotage you. Or, maybe she feels threatened because you're losing a bunch of weight so you'll look super-hot and run off with someone "better" than her (which isn't necessarily something you've lead her to believe... maybe she's had that happen in the past and it's stuck).

Like I said, good on you for sticking by her side--let her know you love her and don't let her forget it, and when she's ready and able be there for her. (And, congrats on your weight loss!)

tiffanygil · July 2010

I was the same way with my husband. He tried all the time to get me to exercise and eat better, but the more he pushed that madder I got. The madder I got the more I didnt want to do it. I had to want to do it for my health not my vanity before I finally did it.

As for talking to her about her weight your probably making it worse. Stop talking, she gets shes over weight, I'm sure she it not stupid. But dont let her guilt you into messing up your weight loss. Eat healthy exercise and when she is ready she will do it. Be understanding and remind her everyday by example.

But the more you push the more you will make her feel unattractive to you and it will end up causing marriage problems. Good luck
Tiff

futureredheadhottie · July 2010

She does have to want it herself. I don't know how much she weights or if y'all want children later on down the road. Maybe talk to her about that and that you want both of y'all to be healthy. Also maybe have her talk to her obgyn and see if at this time she could carry a healthy baby. Again I don't know if that is something y'all want but maybe talk to her about that. Or check into counseling not only for her weight but she has other issues especially since she says I love you 10 times a day and gets mad if you don't reply to her liking. I am not trying to be mean and sorry if it sounds that way. Keep your head up and keep working on yoursel.

anu_6986 · July 2010

My bf and I, both are over weight. I had been trying for days to get him to eat better, he would not. He would not let me buy vegetables or fruits, saying we won't eat and they will go to a waste. After a while I had to stay somewhere else(had nothing to do with weight issues), and I stopped asking him to do anything. His mom also used to ask him to lose weight. Later he himself realized he had to lose weight and joined a gym, and was cooking his own meals(I never believed that would ever happen).

So what I want to tell you is, the more you ask her to do something she will go in the opposite direction. Just do your workouts and keep it to yourself. Talk to her about normal stuff, which makes her feel and believe that her weight is not an issue for you. Then slowly when you have achieved a small goal or lost few pounds, share it with her. Not to show her anything, but just to share your happiness. She might realize slowly and start doing herself.

I am saying this from my own experience, when I lost a few kilos and told my bf I was doing 30DS, he started doing too.

hroush · July 2010

thank you all for your responses so far. our stats are

me:
age-26
height- 5'10"
weight - 220 muscular

her:
age - 29
height - 5'5"
weight - 230 ish

it wouldn't surprise me if she is depressed as i know depression very well. she has told me that she has had suicidal thoughts. she is very jealous towards other women (claims my 40+ supervisor with 5 kids will seduce me).

i try not to "rub" it in her face that i am losing weight, but i have brought it up a time or two and she sounded supportive. then again, once a week she also tells me that i am too skinny (i have about 10-15 more lbs. to lose).

trejon · July 2010

You sound like a wonderful person to be married to and she is blessed to have you in her life. You getting healthy is an awesome start for the both of you. I am proud that you did not stay in the weight rut because she is in it. I guess I would say baby steps! Find something that you both enjoy that burns calories (bowling, putt putt, garage sales - walking, shopping, fishing, open house tours and other stuff - you know what you guys might like). Make it seem as if it is date night and/or that you want her to share in a new experience for your marriage. The first few times she might say no but go even if she does not. Rave about what saw or did or how well you played and how she missed it and you would have loved her being there. Maybe start off aiming for once a week. Then move to twice a week. Do you cook or does she do all the cooking? Take it into your own hands and cook wonderful low fat versions of foods that she likes. Heck tell her instead of going out you found this awesome recipe and come home with all the ingredients! There are really healthy cookies, cakes, steaks, alcoholic beverages and other foods. Explain to her that having the junk food in the house is “killing you” and you need her support to keep you on the wagon. Make it more about you and less about her and she might be less defensive.

We are women! You cannot MAKE us do anything that we do not want to do! However since Adam and Eve we have been able to do it to you guys :laugh: . She is going to fight if she feels pushed. However a gentle nudge might just be a great start! I know my thinking might be too simple but I think it is a start. Good Luck!

eekface · July 2010

I was the same way with my husband. He tried all the time to get me to exercise and eat better, but the more he pushed that madder I got. The madder I got the more I didnt want to do it. I had to want to do it for my health not my vanity before I finally did it.

As for talking to her about her weight your probably making it worse. Stop talking, she gets shes over weight, I'm sure she it not stupid. But dont let her guilt you into messing up your weight loss. Eat healthy exercise and when she is ready she will do it. Be understanding and remind her everyday by example.

But the more you push the more you will make her feel unattractive to you and it will end up causing marriage problems. Good luck
Tiff

ITA with this post. Great post. Do you think she would do some sort of counseling? Also, for the depression aspect...i have a good friend who started St Johns Wart and its doing wonders for their negativity and outlook on life!

GrammaPower · July 2010

Dear Caring Husband,
* Have you ever tried to nail Jello to the wall? Well that's what you are doing when you try to change anybody other than yourself. It's simply NOT going to happen. You CANT make someone else realize their own self worth or exhibit self esteem for them. Your wife must find her own way, in her own time. She has to have her own "WHY".
* You sound like a patient , kind man. Keep taking good care of yourself. Continue to be THERE. But that is about all anyone can do.
* Also - if she has had a transplant, immuno-suppressant medications used to keep the new organ from being rejected by her body can be playing havoc on her entire system/brain & spirit. Seek medical counseling, if not for the both of you - then for your own sanity. Best wishes!

susiewusie · July 2010

She sounds very very depressed ,she really should see a doctor ,it will help her ,you sound a lovely caring man she is so lucky to have you .

HippyGalore · July 2010

I'm going against the grain here but I don't think that when someone is morbidly obese and high risk of diabetes, you do them a favour letting them reach their own rock bottom. She is obviously not happy the way she is, all you are doing allowing it to go on is encouraging her denial and risking her health. If this goes on for another 5-10 years, she is not going to look back gladly that she wasted her fertile years with her head in the sand. I do, however, agree that depression is something you should look into and might make a huge difference, whether it is a root or a symptom (or part of a cycle of both), it could make a huge difference for her to talk to someone.

Do you enjoy cooking? Can you start to find some sort of joy in food that isn't of the eating out/ satiation type of pleasure and isn't aimed at weight loss - just like trying one new (homemade) recipe a week or growing your own fruit and veg. Would your lifestyle suit having a dog that needs walks each day, a pleasure that happens to be exercise (obviously you would have to like dogs). Take the focus off weight loss and put it on living life more fully (how full can life be if you physically struggle to do things, are crippled by insecurity and don't like the way you look etc - there are countless people on here who hadn't realised what they were missing out on). Not enjoying eating out with your husband because you are worried that people will judge your food choices is deeply sad and you are in a position to help and support her.

I would bring it up when you are not hungry or about to eat, just after lunch at a weekend say, and say how upset you were to see her reaction in the restaurant that day and what you can do to help. It is unlikely that when she is out of the situation she will say that she wants you to make unhealthy choices to make her feel better - she will more easily be able to reflect and get to the bottom of it and you should just listen - no advice unless she really asks for it.

Good luck, you sound like a great husband and I hope you find a way to help her.

candican · July 2010

I completely agree with HippyGalore. You can't force her to do anything but you should not ignore her with the resolution that she just has to come to terms with this on her own. Don't focus on losing weight. She's not an idiot. She knows that she is self destructing and that is going to make her feel even worse about herself and continue the downward spiral. Try to embark on activities and behaviors that are helpful in the weight loss process. Everything you described is pointing to someone who is suffering from depression. From my mental health professional training, there is no doubt about it. What's causing the depression is what needs to be explored. I urge you to seek counseling. You can go to marriage counseling first just to get her in the door to explore issues. Don't be tempted by medicine because a lot of patients use that as another layer to cover up their feelings. She has to deal with her issues first. This is much bigger than losing weight. I wish you the best.

spicy618 · July 2010

She is Blessed to have a caring, healthy, handsome husband like you. :flowerforyou:

Being that she is on the "computer all day". Send her the link to this thread and let her read the responses. Sometimes people need to hear (read) some unbias (sp) opinions to get a better perspective. IMHO :flowerforyou:

hroush · July 2010

Letting her see this thread is the last thing I want to do as she would say that I was talking about her behind her back. I am the cook and so we eat fairly healthy at home . I have tried to get her to take walks with me, but I have only accomplished that a couple times.

chocolateandvodka · July 2010

thank you all for your responses so far. our stats are

me:
age-26
height- 5'10"
weight - 220 muscular

her:
age - 29
height - 5'5"
weight - 230 ish

it wouldn't surprise me if she is depressed as i know depression very well. she has told me that she has had suicidal thoughts. she is very jealous towards other women (claims my 40+ supervisor with 5 kids will seduce me).

i try not to "rub" it in her face that i am losing weight, but i have brought it up a time or two and she sounded supportive. then again, once a week she also tells me that i am too skinny (i have about 10-15 more lbs. to lose).

as someone who has suffered through mental illness in family members and in myself, I have to agree with a few other comments that this does indeed sound more like a mental health issue. I would suggest discontinuing the talk of weight and weight loss for 2 main reasons - 1. to keep from letting the issue discourage both of you. 2. so she may have the chance to learn by your example. if she is allowed to eat and purchase junk food and do what she wants, while you do what you want and live healthy, the results will become glaringly obvious and may help to persuade her to take care of herself.
i would also suggest a visit with a therapist or mental health professional for yourself and your wife. it will help you learn to cope and promote a physically and mentally healthy lifestyle in nonverbal ways, and if she lets it help her, she will be able to get better.
also - (from experience) - if she is complaining of suicidal thoughts and there is even the slightest signal that she is in the frame of mind to harm herself, it's time to visit the ER.

I need help with getting the woman i love help

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