Important question...need help..am an emotional eater.

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AwesomeMoJo
AwesomeMoJo Posts: 1,145 Member
in Motivation and Support
Okay..so here is a question:

Can you truly love someone and have a successful relationship if there is no trust??

His ex-wife cheated on him and burned him bad. They have been divorced for 5 years separated for 7...

He has brought this pessimism and distrust into our relationship. I have never given him reason to distrust me. He knows where I am, who I am with and what I am doing at all times..and that is just becaus I feel my partner should always know those things.

"D" has asked me to marry him. I love him dearly. He is a good man. I feel though that he can't truly love me if he does not trust me. Bringing the baggage from past relationships into the new one is not healthy at all. I was beaten and severely abused in my last relationship (8 years long)...hell he even put a gun to my head an threatened to kill me the day I left him...but I KNOW that D is NOT my ex. I trust him with everything I have. I love him with everything I have.

I am a rational thinker more than emotional. I can diferentiate each individual and know that what one person did another will not...

He can't seem to get past it. I told him, he can't possibly love me truly and want to marry me if he doesn't trust me. This is something that I cannot help him work out. This is his demon to move past and leave behind.

He says that he can love me and want to marry be..that by the time we get married he will trust me. That just doesn't feel right to me. If you ask someone to marry you, shouldn't the 100% trust be there???

Can he love me and not trust at the same time. I understand that it is NOT me personally that he doesn't trust..but women in general...but again..this is his issue. Am I wrong or is it possible?

**I am a HUGE emotional eater and will eat and eat if I don't talk this through with people. SO, I hope it is okay and that I hear opinions...

Replies

  • mygrl4meee
    mygrl4meee Posts: 943 Member
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    I think its possible that he really does love you but is letting his past relationship to rule his emotions. I don't think one can have a healty marriage without trust. Do not marry him unless he works thru his problem. I agree that husbands\wifes should be on the up and up about what we are doing but all he needs to know is that I will be with my best friend. He doesn't have to know what errands we might go on or where we might go to eat. If I am due home at 4 and stop at the store or whatever.. I don't expect him to be in an uproar cause I came home 30 mins late.
  • chi18
    chi18 Posts: 95 Member
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    Oh, sweetie... I dated a guy like this. He had his mind all made up about Women In General, you know? And no matter what I did or said I was just another Woman In General. I dumped him.

    OK, I think that he does love you but in his own limited, twisted way. And I'm sorry but the ex excuse had an expiration date and it was a few years ago. You have been with this guy and been trustworthy and shown him who you are and he has chosen to ignore that and project his BS from his last relationship onto you and your relationship. That is not fair to you at all, and it's very disrespectful. And I'm sorry but the man proposed and claims he will trust you when you actually marry him? Ridiculous. What magical switch will be flipped in his mind on your wedding day? Why would you date and propose to someone you don't trust? I don't know you at all but I can tell you this and I hope you listen and I hope you repeat it to yourself when you're about to emotionally eat: YOU DESERVE BETTER. You do. Write this on a post-it and stick it to your fridge or your cabinet or whatever, "I DESERVE BETTER." You deserve to be in a relationship where you are trusted, loved, valued, and treated with respect. His last relationship is not this relationship and he does not get to be in both relationships at the same time, which is what he is emotionally doing right now.

    My advice would be not to marry him or accept his proposal until he gets his issues sorted out. They are his issues and not yours. He should try some individual counseling to work on his trust issues and after he has done that for a bit you two should go and se his therapist together for a few couples sessions while he continues to go on his own. And if there isn't any progress be prepared to walk away. These alarms going off in your head and these questions that are nagging you are happening for a reason and you should trust your gut. He may not be hitting you or threatening to kill you but he is being emotionally abusive by keeping you working to earn his trust as if it's some sort of prize. That's not a very nice way to treat someone you claim to love. Think about it, when you are emotionally healthy and you truly love someone you treat them well, don't you?

    Take care of yourself, sweetheart.
  • Amethyst125
    Amethyst125 Posts: 46 Member
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    I think it's great that you are aware of your need to talk about what bugs you and recognizing that you are an emotional eater.
    I do agree with you that in order to go the next step and get married or even continue on the relationship you have now, he needs to start dealing with what is bothering him. The lack of trust he has needs to be resolved or else it can get worse. It seems you have learned to cope with your past so you do have experience in this.
    I would recommend he seek some type of counseling that he feels comfortable with. Possibly talking with someone else about it can help him come to terms with what happened and let him resolve it or he can get coping skills so this won't interfere with your relationship.
    Best of luck to you -may you have peace and love in your relationship.

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