Family : Friend or Foe? need advice PLEASE

islandnutshel · July 2010

I have 50ibs to lose. I am 36 and have degenerative disc disease. My mom live near by and 65. She has been blessed with great healthy genetics and a strong back and a stuborn attitude. She has over 100 ibs to lose. I admit I am feeling sorry for myself, but hear me out please. She has developed, due to over eating and not moving, diabetes. She has developed high blood pressure, high cholestoral, and now bad knee's. This is all very recent as she has been overweight since we were born and her body did an excellant job of coping until the last 5 years. I swear she wants a rocking chair. She is retired, owns her home in a beautiful farming area, and does nothing but play solitair all day on the computer. Since she has a large laundry room, I have out fitted it with a treadmill and bike (because she doesnt want to dress up to go outside for a walk, though there is a beach at the end of our side street) I go over to her home to exercise and beg and plead to get her to join me. She won't,( maybe she has twice this year.} If I ask her if she is depressed, or express any concern over failing health, she gets weapy. I thought at first this might be because of depression, but now I think it is because she wants me to leave her to her self destruction. WHAT DO I DO? I am running out of idea's. Maybe some one has a fresh thought. PLEASE, has anyone been in her position that might help me understand how she is feeling or what I should do?

Nina74 · July 2010

I'm sorry to hear this. I feel for you. I'm not sure on advice- except maybe you can "suggest" things that don't seem like blatant exercise/ are fun things disguised as exercise and see if you can get her excited? Suggest maybe a flea market or craft fair or something where you are walking around, but it is not straight out exercise or anything like that?

I don't know if it is an aging thing, but I have experienced a similar thing with my mom. She had degenerative arthritis and is in a great deal of pain on a daily basis. I try to get her to move (my siblings and I even got her and my dad a year long membership to a gym with a pool where she could work out without impact on her knees), but no. I will get her to take the dogs for a walk with me, etc. which is a start......

I would be interested if others have ideas.

fitterpam · July 2010

The only thing I can think is that she is a grown woman and is responsible for her own choices. Don't mis-understand me. I'm not saying she is getting what she deserves (I just re-read the first sentence and decided that's how it sounded...but not meant). Before you were ready to jump on the treadmill, I bet it was pretty hard for someone - even someone who cares about you - to get you onto a bike, into a gym or hop into a pool).

You can't force her to exercise. I'm sure her doctors are telling her that exercise is critical for her health and well-being. We all know that losing it is difficult - but the most difficult part is to start. Having someone tell you to start isn't going to cut it. Especially, if she's in pain - which you don't know either way.

Why not do things that she could take interest in. It doesn't have to be "exercise" but go for an afternoon of shopping. Walking around a mall is a cool way to get in a couple of hours of movement. It's gentle, loving moments that your mom needs - I was almost bed-ridden until a month ago. My doctors changed my meds and as of this week, I am enjoying moving around. It wasn't fun before and quite frankly, the more anyone told me to do it, the less I wanted to.

Just my 2 cents...

MakeLifeBright · July 2010

Take her out to a place where she would be walking around.
Some thing that really interest her. Some times people don't even like the word exercise.

It is hard to convince some one to do some thing. We can not get healthy and lose weight unless we want to!
For many years people told me I needed to get healthy and exercise. I would say I know I am trying, I knew
I needed to lose weight and get healthy. but for some reason I just would not , could not do it.
Then one day I said I am ready, and never turned back .

Best of Luck to you both !! :flowerforyou:

suziblues2000 · July 2010

omg, she's totally DEPRESSED! Try to get her to her doctor's asap because they have med's that can make her feel one million percent better. Tell her that.

Good luck to you.

Rynatat · July 2010

Please do not despair: check out my profile, I have my own "issues". But I also have 2 people in my life that have something similar but with 2 completely different outlooks on life. My fiance's sister who is a year older than me (she's also only 36) and has had several surgeries (3 for replacing a shunt in her brain) for a disease they can't figure out what caused it and how to fix it. She gets into those depressive states and most of the time now, I can't be around her because I "feel" her depression, and having depression myself, it just brings me down so low, I almost give up myself.:sad: But then I remember that this is MY life, and I'm not ready to give up: I joke about my issues (just found out I lost another inch in height due to my disks compressing even more, what do I do? I said "I feel like the Incredible Shrinking Woman"...

) and I look at all the good in my life and I try to dwell on that instead of all the yuck. It is not easy, I want her to be happy, to do things, get her life back the way it used to be (she was an EMT/EMS and very good at it!), but if I let her unconcious negativity get to me, I'll give up for real. Then I look at my own Mum, she has 3 brain annurisms (2 surgeries to close of the big ones, the 3rd is in the middle of her brain & she is not letting them cut her open), diagnosed in mid 2000: she's had several major strokes, is 62, lives by herself in her house with her 3 cats and 2 dogs, and loves to have her kids over for dinner: she gets joy out of buying foods that each of us enjoy and feeding us when we come over (I told her the other night, "if you had of done this when I lived at home I never would have moved out!":laugh: )
Your Mum may not even be aware of her attitude & how it is making you feel, but if you keep the smile, keep doing what you're doing, she may come around in her own time. She may also just want someone to talk to, who's not just going to ask "so how are you feeling?" Maybe just try going over & helping her cook a nice, simple, healthy dinner and just chat & laugh about everything silly you did growing up: sometimes reminiscing is the best thing for some and brings them back to reality.
I'm here for you, I don't like watching my soon to be sister-in-law spiral down, while my Mum is going strong no matter what. But it's nice to know I'm not the only one frustrated with this! :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:

sibyllewalker · July 2010

I'm so sorry about you trying so hard to give your mom what you have found: a way to a healthier, better life.

But I don't believe that you can make someone do or be what you would like them to do or be. Motivation comes from within, and you probably have experienced this yourself, you have to come to the point where you make a conscious decision on wanting to be healthy. Then and only then will you take the steps towards that goal. I think you will find that you have more success with your Mom if you stop asking her to exercise with you. Just be the role model and tell your mom your successes, tell her about every pound you lose, how much better you feel and how much more energy you have. You might find that she wants to feel like that too.

I wish you good luck and I hope you will not get discouraged. Stick with it, you can do it and you can be a great role model for your family.

Family : Friend or Foe? need advice PLEASE

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