unsuppostive fiancee
Replies
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Does anyone else on here have people who don't support them with their diet and exercise? How do you deal with it.??
My fiancee keeps laughing at me for weighing my food and keeping track of what I eat. He keeps buying me food he knows I find hard to resist, then eating it in front of me, and wont leave me alone to do my aerobics (no way I'm doing that in front of anyone!!!).
He says I don't need to lose any weight and that he loves my figure as it is - but I don't - I gained 2 stone last 18 months or so and am over half way to getting rid of it - but I'm finding it increasingly hard to ignore his comments.
If he is not going to support you in weight loss, what else won't he support you with in the future?
I don't have time for people like that in my life, they can take a left exit.0 -
^^^print out this post and show it to him. if he loves you, he'll want you happy and healthy.my husband was like that. he kept telling me he didn't notice the 70 pound weight difference, that I was fine, and he lived off soda, fast food, and crap. he wouldn't leave me to do aerobics either. then I had a heart attack. combination of crap, stress, high blood pressure. sad that that is what got him on board with me. he threw out all of his food, and is supportive of me now. hopefully it wont come to that with you. good luck and just do what you do.
if he still tries to sabotage you after that then it's a good reason to question your relationship.0 -
You realize that his attitude and behavior are NOT going to change once you are married, right?0
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I think that he is just concerned that you may not be eating adequately. My husband buys a whole lot of food for me as well (stuff that I wouldn't normally pick up in the supermarket but will eat if there). He does support my crazy exercise lifestyle though since he'll also buy my gear for me (I doubt I know my sneaker size since he tends to get them for me). I know that if he didn't buy the food, I probably would have dropped more weight and be in the unhealthy weight zone. So, probably your fiance is just concerned that you are not eating enough which is a good concern for anyone that really cares and loves you.0
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My advice would be to toughen up.
1) Who cares if he laughs why you weigh out your food.
2) Do your aerobics in front of him if he won't leave you alone.
3) Say no when he brings home treats.
He may give you s*** for it at first but if you remain consistent my guess is that he'll respect that this is something that's important to you.
Ultimately it's down to you. You're the one who has the weight to lose.0 -
My advice would be to toughen up.
1) Who cares if he laughs why you weigh out your food.
2) Do your aerobics in front of him if he won't leave you alone.
3) Say no when he brings home treats.
He may give you s*** for it at first but if you remain consistent my guess is that he'll respect that this is something that's important to you.
Ultimately it's down to you. You're the one who has the weight to lose.
BEST answer so far!!! :flowerforyou:0 -
You realize that his attitude and behavior are NOT going to change once you are married, right?
This.
You put up with it now. Before the ink dries on the marriage certificate, he'll be even more of a jerk than he is now and he'd have real license to be... BECAUSE YOU MARRIED HIM.
You should ask yourself, will this person accept a changed, more confident you?
Perhaps he doesn't want to have to work? Perhaps he doesn't want you to be more confident?
Perhaps he doesn't want the competition, because if you do change yourself and find someone else before you get married, he might lose out and walk away nothing but tears and shame in his hands.
Consider this, if he isn't worried about his or your health now, why would he be in the future?
A more active you, might make different choices across the board.
Tomorrow is not promised to you, so if he isn't doing what he needs to live a more active, better life, is he the greatest pick for you?
If he was a smarter man, he would shut his piehole, nod, and smile at your efforts.0 -
Sounds like he is being a *kitten*. Ignore him and just let it add to your motivation.
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He says I don't need to lose any weight and that he loves my figure as it is - but I don't - I gained 2 stone last 18 months or so and am over half way to getting rid of it - but I'm finding it increasingly hard to ignore his comments.
Someone very near and dear to me was up against the same thing. He does most of the cooking, since she's a doctor and works weird hours, so it's not like she's got the time or energy to cook when she comes home from the hospital at 6am... Between the hours she works and having had kids, she's overweight. He made the "mistake" of telling someone else that he likes to keep her fat so that no one else is interested in her. Yup. If she's fat, no one else will want her, or at least that's his logic.
I'll give you a minute to process that...
No, no... Take your time.
Now, "break up" and "They should get divorced" and "I wouldn't tolerate THAT crap" all comes to mind, but they've been together 20 years, have kids, and really do love each other. He loves her so much he doesn't want to lose her and the only way he sees to hold on to her is to keep her fat.
Sadly, what he fails to realize is that their marriage would probably be even happier if she felt better about herself and if he wasn't contributing to her health being put at risk. My point here is that 1) people do dumb things (either out of control or) out of love. 2) It might not hurt to nicely ask him how he can support you, because YOU want to be happy. 3) Look at his past to see if there's an otherwise "logical" reason behind his lack of support. Was his mom heavy? Did he have a fit girlfriend who left him?Is he controlling in other aspects of the relationship?
You can't "change" him, but you can hope to better understand his motivation and maybe get him to understand where you're coming from.If there are health issues in your family (diabetes, cardiac stuff, arthritis that's made worse with extra weight) explain that you don't want to be on meds if you don't have to be.0 -
An important thing to give a lot of thought to: if you feel he's not supportive is he the person you want for a life partner? Will he be supportive if you lose your job? Will he be supportive in the delivery room when you give birth? Is he just playfully teasing you or is he serious? Please carefully consider if this man should really be your life partner.
I personally wouldn't immediately start to question my relationship that hard.
I've been married for 17 years, it has taken many years for me to "learn" what my wife considers "important" to her and what she doesn't.
I've said and done many things over 17 years that have really pissed her off. Some of it was me being an idiot, some of it was simply not knowing she felt that "strongly" about something. If she "re-evaluated" our marriage every time I did something dumb, we'd have been divorced long ago. Relationships don't start with each person fully undersanding the other, that is built over time.
I have the best relationship in the world now, we know each other well and we are direct with each other, unafraid to tell each other when something bothers us about the other person. It didn't start off that way.
This is fantastic.
Many people may consider my husband "unsupportive" or whatever because he doesn't participate in fitness activities or want to eat healthfully much of the time. But why would he? He has always been borderline underweight and has no issues with food. He and I have been married for almost seven years, and we are still learning things about each other. When we communicate with each other, we do a lot better at respecting each other's challenges and needs.
Maybe he is afraid of change and pokes fun because of it. It doesn't sound to me like he is making fun of YOU, but that he is intimated by the changes you are making. Be honest with him, dig a little bit. If you want to marry him, you both need to learn how to communicate openly about things. It makes spending an entire lifetime with someone much more enjoyable.0 -
i think those people are just secretly insecure about their own bodies.
just let them know that you'd rather prioritize your health over their immaturity. i know it can get seriously annoying - my family members are basically the same way.
it's just something you have to grin and bear. if it gets too out of hand, then it's best to let them know that you're actually offended and would rather appreciate their support than their cynicism.0 -
laserturkey wrote:
^ This. If he cannot be supportive in an aspect of life so important to you, what else is he bound to disregard? I understand the all-too-common density of the male brain, but assuming you have communicated how this endeavor is important to you, what is important to you should be important to him, what matters to you should matter to him because you matter to him.You realize that his attitude and behavior are NOT going to change once you are married, right?
Definitely start by confirming he understands your feelings, start by giving him the benefit of the doubt and chock it up to density; innocent until proven male.
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Leave his sorry butt. He is throwing so many red flags that he is not going to be a good FOREVER partner that it's crazy. Think about it.... FOREVER, (unless you divorce him for this very behavior later), till death do you part, you see his worst now, do you want to marry it? His worst is laughing at your better and doing all he can to cause you to fail.0
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Leave his sorry butt. He is throwing so many red flags that he is not going to be a good FOREVER partner that it's crazy. Think about it.... FOREVER, (unless you divorce him for this very behavior later), till death do you part, you see his worst now, do you want to marry it? His worst is laughing at your better and doing all he can to cause you to fail.
worst response
he sounds like he's doing it in good humour......don't end a relationship over some rocky times.0 -
Leave his sorry butt. He is throwing so many red flags that he is not going to be a good FOREVER partner that it's crazy. Think about it.... FOREVER, (unless you divorce him for this very behavior later), till death do you part, you see his worst now, do you want to marry it? His worst is laughing at your better and doing all he can to cause you to fail.
worst response
he sounds like he's doing it in good humour......don't end a relationship over some rocky times.
Oh, okay! As long as he is trying to sabotage her efforts in GOOD HUMOR it's totally excusable! My bad! :noway:0 -
my girls laugh when they catch a glimpsof my exercising my husband wants to loose weight too but seems to get angry/annoyed when he sees me work out then he says he wants to do it wth me asks for advice then doesnt do anything.Does anyone else on here have people who don't support them with their diet and exercise? How do you deal with it.??
My fiancee keeps laughing at me for weighing my food and keeping track of what I eat. He keeps buying me food he knows I find hard to resist, then eating it in front of me, and wont leave me alone to do my aerobics (no way I'm doing that in front of anyone!!!).
He says I don't need to lose any weight and that he loves my figure as it is - but I don't - I gained 2 stone last 18 months or so and am over half way to getting rid of it - but I'm finding it increasingly hard to ignore his comments.
so im happy with mfp this is were i get my support.0 -
good humour?Leave his sorry butt. He is throwing so many red flags that he is not going to be a good FOREVER partner that it's crazy. Think about it.... FOREVER, (unless you divorce him for this very behavior later), till death do you part, you see his worst now, do you want to marry it? His worst is laughing at your better and doing all he can to cause you to fail.
worst response
he sounds like he's doing it in good humour......don't end a relationship over some rocky times.0 -
Leave his sorry butt. He is throwing so many red flags that he is not going to be a good FOREVER partner that it's crazy. Think about it.... FOREVER, (unless you divorce him for this very behavior later), till death do you part, you see his worst now, do you want to marry it? His worst is laughing at your better and doing all he can to cause you to fail.
worst response
he sounds like he's doing it in good humour......don't end a relationship over some rocky times.
Oh, okay! As long as he is trying to sabotage her efforts in GOOD HUMOR it's totally excusable! My bad! :noway:
You know nothing about these two people. So your advice is to destroy what should be a joyous time in both of their lives?
We don't know if he understands the importance of this to her.
We don't know if he uses humor as a way to make hard things not so daunting.
We don't know if he is the perfect person in all other aspects of their relationship.
We don't know much of ANYTHING about him at all.
OP...don't listen to any of this leave him crap.
Talk to him, be direct and let him know this is a very important thing to you. If you communicate that to him and he dismisses your feelings or continues anyway, then I'd say you have some thinking to do.0 -
it's rally easy,,,your either with me or against me,,, if he doen't want to be supportive it's time to dump his sorry *kitten*0
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This^^^^^. I don't think my husband thought I was serious at first, as I had started and stopped this so many times. I think the moment he realized it was in the grocery store and we were talking about how much weight I had lost just by cutting out the crap.....he was being a smart *kitten* and grabbed a little debbies snack pack and laughed at me. My response was "yea, you go ahead and eat that, enjoy it....while I enjoy eating the huge amount of food I can eat now just by adjusting what I eat. (this includes ice cream, breyers sugar free). He's been a huge supporter since then and I'm lucky.......he will eat whatever I cook, and if he cooks he makes sure to tell me everything he uses so I can track it. Give it some time, change is hard for everyone. Keep doing what you're doing, he'll come around :flowerforyou:An important thing to give a lot of thought to: if you feel he's not supportive is he the person you want for a life partner? Will he be supportive if you lose your job? Will he be supportive in the delivery room when you give birth? Is he just playfully teasing you or is he serious? Please carefully consider if this man should really be your life partner.
I personally wouldn't immediately start to question my relationship that hard.
I've been married for 17 years, it has taken many years for me to "learn" what my wife considers "important" to her and what she doesn't.
I've said and done many things over 17 years that have really pissed her off. Some of it was me being an idiot, some of it was simply not knowing she felt that "strongly" about something. If she "re-evaluated" our marriage every time I did something dumb, we'd have been divorced long ago. Relationships don't start with each person fully undersanding the other, that is built over time.
I have the best relationship in the world now, we know each other well and we are direct with each other, unafraid to tell each other when something bothers us about the other person. It didn't start off that way.0 -
What is he worried about? I'd think that the health of someone he loves would be important to him. Is he worried he won't want HIM if you lose weight?
Hope you can talk to him about this, because it's a pretty big deal, IMO, that he won't support you.0 -
Leave his sorry butt. He is throwing so many red flags that he is not going to be a good FOREVER partner that it's crazy. Think about it.... FOREVER, (unless you divorce him for this very behavior later), till death do you part, you see his worst now, do you want to marry it? His worst is laughing at your better and doing all he can to cause you to fail.
worst response
he sounds like he's doing it in good humour......don't end a relationship over some rocky times.
Oh, okay! As long as he is trying to sabotage her efforts in GOOD HUMOR it's totally excusable! My bad! :noway:
You know nothing about these two people. So your advice is to destroy what should be a joyous time in both of their lives?
We don't know if he understands the importance of this to her.
We don't know if he uses humor as a way to make hard things not so daunting.
We don't know if he is the perfect person in all other aspects of their relationship.
We don't know much of ANYTHING about him at all.
OP...don't listen to any of this leave him crap.
Talk to him, be direct and let him know this is a very important thing to you. If you communicate that to him and he dismisses your feelings or continues anyway, then I'd say you have some thinking to do.
I suppose you live with them? You know, since you know so much. The guy is not worthy. Period.0 -
Does anyone else on here have people who don't support them with their diet and exercise? How do you deal with it.??
My fiancee keeps laughing at me for weighing my food and keeping track of what I eat. He keeps buying me food he knows I find hard to resist, then eating it in front of me, and wont leave me alone to do my aerobics (no way I'm doing that in front of anyone!!!).
He says I don't need to lose any weight and that he loves my figure as it is - but I don't - I gained 2 stone last 18 months or so and am over half way to getting rid of it - but I'm finding it increasingly hard to ignore his comments.
I'm so sorry you have to put up with that
I'm lucky, my fiance has actually bettered himself because of me. BUT he still does enjoy his junk foods!
I hope you can talk to him about it!0 -
It's possible he just doesn't know HOW to be supportive. Culture and media teach guys that if they say anything about weight/food/exercise/fitness/etc. to a female we will be hurt or offended. Maybe he just doesn't know how to show support without saying something inadvertently offensive. My husband doesn't "support" me by providing motivation or reminding me to workout or anything like that. We've talked about how he can be supportive in ways that both of us are comfortable with, and for us that means he makes an effort to choose restaurants that have healthy options and little things like that.
It may well be that he just doesn't know how to respond to this change or what his appropriate role in it is, so he is being "humorous" to defuse it.
Added: He may also feel like he should be changing too, but he doesn't want to or isn't ready or doesn't know how. So he directs that feeling toward teasing or sabotaging your efforts.0 -
I suppose you live with them? You know, since you know so much. The guy is not worthy. Period.
I got the sense that this was just a bit of teasing that's pretty common in relationships. I think 'Just ditch this loser' is the easy knee jerk advice to give. Especially when you're not the one who has to choose between the person you love and a healthy lifestyle.0 -
Leave his sorry butt. He is throwing so many red flags that he is not going to be a good FOREVER partner that it's crazy. Think about it.... FOREVER, (unless you divorce him for this very behavior later), till death do you part, you see his worst now, do you want to marry it? His worst is laughing at your better and doing all he can to cause you to fail.
worst response
he sounds like he's doing it in good humour......don't end a relationship over some rocky times.
Oh, okay! As long as he is trying to sabotage her efforts in GOOD HUMOR it's totally excusable! My bad! :noway:
You know nothing about these two people. So your advice is to destroy what should be a joyous time in both of their lives?
We don't know if he understands the importance of this to her.
We don't know if he uses humor as a way to make hard things not so daunting.
We don't know if he is the perfect person in all other aspects of their relationship.
We don't know much of ANYTHING about him at all.
OP...don't listen to any of this leave him crap.
Talk to him, be direct and let him know this is a very important thing to you. If you communicate that to him and he dismisses your feelings or continues anyway, then I'd say you have some thinking to do.
I suppose you live with them? You know, since you know so much. The guy is not worthy. Period.
And what's my advice to the OP? COMMUNICATE the importance. Did you hear me telling the OP to "let it go", or "not worry about it"...NO.
Get over yourself. I got the sense the OP was looking for ways to approach him about it so that it doesn't create a big rift in their relationship....0 -
Leave his sorry butt. He is throwing so many red flags that he is not going to be a good FOREVER partner that it's crazy. Think about it.... FOREVER, (unless you divorce him for this very behavior later), till death do you part, you see his worst now, do you want to marry it? His worst is laughing at your better and doing all he can to cause you to fail.
worst response
he sounds like he's doing it in good humour......don't end a relationship over some rocky times.
Oh, okay! As long as he is trying to sabotage her efforts in GOOD HUMOR it's totally excusable! My bad! :noway:
You know nothing about these two people. So your advice is to destroy what should be a joyous time in both of their lives?
We don't know if he understands the importance of this to her.
We don't know if he uses humor as a way to make hard things not so daunting.
We don't know if he is the perfect person in all other aspects of their relationship.
We don't know much of ANYTHING about him at all.
OP...don't listen to any of this leave him crap.
Talk to him, be direct and let him know this is a very important thing to you. If you communicate that to him and he dismisses your feelings or continues anyway, then I'd say you have some thinking to do.
I suppose you live with them? You know, since you know so much. The guy is not worthy. Period.
And what's my advice to the OP? COMMUNICATE the importance. Did you hear me telling the OP to "let it go", or "not worry about it"...NO.
Get over yourself. I got the sense the OP was looking for ways to approach him about it so that it doesn't create a big rift in their relationship....
Communicate away. Then when he is still treating her like this what do you then say? Someone posted in the forums. Many people responded. One person is the self-proclaimed response police. Enjoy your self.0 -
Does anyone else on here have people who don't support them with their diet and exercise? How do you deal with it.??
My fiancee keeps laughing at me for weighing my food and keeping track of what I eat. He keeps buying me food he knows I find hard to resist, then eating it in front of me, and wont leave me alone to do my aerobics (no way I'm doing that in front of anyone!!!).
He says I don't need to lose any weight and that he loves my figure as it is - but I don't - I gained 2 stone last 18 months or so and am over half way to getting rid of it - but I'm finding it increasingly hard to ignore his comments.
I get the impression you haven't talked to him about it. If he doesn't know there is a problem how is he supposed to change?
I will let you in on a little secret. Men can't read our minds!!!! Ya'll are engaged so you need to learn how to communicate. If not you two might as well part ways now.
My husband was similar to your husband in the beginning but I just asked him why. His answer was that he never knew what to say and that is just how he acted. He was supportive or wanted to be he just didn't know how. I told him how and that was it. When we have an issue we talk it out and resolve the issue or at least compromise. That is how a successful marriage works.
Please don't listen to man haters on here at least give him a chance.0 -
Communicate away. Then when he is still treating her like this what do you then say? Someone posted in the forums. Many people responded. One person is the self-proclaimed response police. Enjoy your self.
I didn't reply for me kid...I would rather not see someone enticed to do something rash based off the advice of someone they don't know, who doesn't have to live with any of the consequences of that advice. I could care less what you post.0 -
Communicate away. Then when he is still treating her like this what do you then say? Someone posted in the forums. Many people responded. One person is the self-proclaimed response police. Enjoy your self.
I didn't reply for me kid...I would rather not see someone enticed to do something rash based off the advice of someone they don't know, who doesn't have to live with any of the consequences of that advice. I could care less what you post.
One can only assume that any grown adult has the ability to make their own choices. I think it is extremely unlikely that anyone is going to read one comment, and run off and do what ever that person tells them to do. Give OP a little credit for doing her own thinking will ya.0
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