unsupportive friends (and temptation)

thedreamhazer · July 2010

I'm so frustrated with my friends (and my step mom) right now. The issue with my friends is that they INSIST on being unsupportive in ways that look kind, but really aren't. For instance -- they keep complimenting me, but not with things like, 'you look great!' or 'way to go!', but by telling me 'you're fine, you don't need to do this' or 'you look good, why are you so worried about it?'

I don't know if they realize how unsupportive these comments are, but they really are not helpful. Questioning why I'm doing it, encouraging me to stay where I am (which is overweight) is not helpful. And then they blatantly disregard my decisions. Like when we went out the other night and got a pitcher of beer, they decided that they wanted to split an appetizer of nachos. I said I wasn't interested, even though they insisted, and they ended up getting it for themselves. This would have been fine, except that after every bite, they gesture at me and tell me to have some or help myself. Having to say no fifty times is infuriating.

And then, there's my step mom. I have a great relationship with her, except for this recently. My dad's been really supportive (I'm living at home) and has been cooking special food for me when he makes somewhat unhealthy dinners and things. Every time she sees this, my step mom makes some side comment about how 'unhealthy' it is to try to lose weight in this heat, how she'd have a heart attack if she tried to exercise in this, etc. But the WORST is that I've had to reschedule my exercise because she criticizes me when I'm on the treadmill, telling me that I'm 'running heavy', 'sound like a Clydesdale', or even that I need to 'take it easy on the treadmill because I'm going to break it' because 'it can only handle so much.'

How do you deal with all this negativity? I'm lucky enough that my boyfriend and my dad are so supportive, but it'd be nice if I had a supportive woman in my life too. Instead, I'm getting a lot of discouragement and jealousy.

4lafz · July 2010

Wow! I am sorry. You can count on MFP to be full of supportive people. Perhaps having a real conversation with these people and asking them for their support and assistance - that you want to break the cycle and be healthy. That it is really important to you and when things like this happen it makes you feel that they do not care. If they don't change their ways - they are truly not your friends - that and they are just trying to keep you unhealthy to make themselves feel better about their choices. Good luck!

jacolyncoker · July 2010

I'm pretty young, i'm still a teenager, so I know what you mean. My friends are not supportive at ALL. They make fun of me for counting calories, and say that I'm 'high-mantienence' because of it. I don't involve them in it at all and they STILL like to make comments. And on the other side of the spectrum, I try to tell my parents about what I've accomplished, and they pretty much told me they don't care. They say that it's 'annoying'. It really hurts my feelings because for once I am accomplishing something and I'm proud of myself, I just want them to be proud too.

What I do is I just completely ignore it. I keep it set in my head that I am doing this to be healthy for life, and anyone who tells me what I'm doing is stupid is just an ignorant idiot.

cldaughe · July 2010

I'm so frustrated with my friends (and my step mom) right now. The issue with my friends is that they INSIST on being unsupportive in ways that look kind, but really aren't. For instance -- they keep complimenting me, but not with things like, 'you look great!' or 'way to go!', but by telling me 'you're fine, you don't need to do this' or 'you look good, why are you so worried about it?'

I don't know if they realize how unsupportive these comments are, but they really are not helpful. Questioning why I'm doing it, encouraging me to stay where I am (which is overweight) is not helpful. And then they blatantly disregard my decisions. Like when we went out the other night and got a pitcher of beer, they decided that they wanted to split an appetizer of nachos. I said I wasn't interested, even though they insisted, and they ended up getting it for themselves. This would have been fine, except that after every bite, they gesture at me and tell me to have some or help myself. Having to say no fifty times is infuriating.

And then, there's my step mom. I have a great relationship with her, except for this recently. My dad's been really supportive (I'm living at home) and has been cooking special food for me when he makes somewhat unhealthy dinners and things. Every time she sees this, my step mom makes some side comment about how 'unhealthy' it is to try to lose weight in this heat, how she'd have a heart attack if she tried to exercise in this, etc. But the WORST is that I've had to reschedule my exercise because she criticizes me when I'm on the treadmill, telling me that I'm 'running heavy', 'sound like a Clydesdale', or even that I need to 'take it easy on the treadmill because I'm going to break it' because 'it can only handle so much.'

How do you deal with all this negativity? I'm lucky enough that my boyfriend and my dad are so supportive, but it'd be nice if I had a supportive woman in my life too. Instead, I'm getting a lot of discouragement and jealousy.

You are absolutely doing the right thing. YOU are making a change in your life and the women around wish they had your courage. What I have done, when faced with negativity, is use that as motivation. Let their negative energy inspire you to be positive and make positive changes.

I have been in a somewhat similar situation. My boyfriend, although incredibly supportive, does make the occasional comment like "you're gonna start eating your own food and not what I cook for you" "I love you just the way you are" etc. I appreciate the comments, but at the same time resent them. I honestly want him to join with me in the weight loss challenge, but with his work (he is a gardener/landscaper) he is so exhausted by the time he gets home, all he does is lounge on the couch, surf the net, watch a lil tv, and go to bed. If I did that day in /day out I would be about as big as a barn!

Your friends and your step mother simply see your goal for change as a threat to their norm. Anytime change happens, it is never easy... for anyone. Stick with it, keep your head up and in the right place, and continue to PUSH FORWARD. You are doing this for you-not their satisfaction of you.

diet45 · July 2010

I would say your are blessed to have you boyfriend and dad. It is definitely hard when those around you are so critical and sabotage your efforts. Please don't give up and know that you are making a healthy change for your life.

RominaSullivan · July 2010

So sorry to hear this guys!!

To me it could be two things:

1- Ignorance: because they truly have no idea what it is to go through losing weight and have no knowledge on this healthy method of doing it, so it sounds ridiculous to them or just like too much trouble. If that's the case, talk to them seriously and educate them. If they are your true friends/family, they'll understand and take an interest in helping.

2- Jealousy - I don't know what the people around you look like or weigh but they may feel threatened that you have the courage and will power to do this and they don't. Or they simply don't want you to look better/the same as them. If that's the case then they aren't the greatest people out there, which means that if you now become this thin and confident girl who is also way cooler on the inside than them (because you re not a jealous idiot) then you'll out shine them :-D They are afraid of your success because of their own failures and insecurities.

Keep on going and don't let them make you feel bad!!! You can always come to your MFP pals for support :-)

Natalie43 · July 2010

i agree with Romina and say that it is both ignorance and jealousy.
Your friends probably like the role you play in the group and don't like changes to the status quo. Who wants extra competition or made to feel that they should be looking after themselves better.
Your stepmum may be a little jealous of the extra attention you're getting from your family - i'm a stepmum too and can relate to that, even if i don't behave like that.
I've avoided negativity by not telling people i'm on a diet. I did the same when i gave up smoking 15 yrs ago and that worked too, otherwise it seems like red flag to a bull, and you constantly have to defend your actions to people who don't have the same inclination or desire as yourself.
I tell people i'm training to do a charity run (its partly true even if i'm the main beneficiary healthwise, and also tends to get more positive reactions).
I manage to avoid boozing (drinking), by saying i'm exercising in the morning, and avoid gorging on night outs by saying i'm either alergic or that a particular food (like cheese which seems to cover a lot of options), gives me tummy troubles when i run!

Stay true to yourself and know that your friends on mfp have your back! :flowerforyou:

thedreamhazer · July 2010

Thanks for the help everyone! :flowerforyou:

MFP is really great and supportive, and it's nice to be able to air complaints and get so much support back. None of my friends or family are bad people, I know. I think they don't even know what they're doing for the most part. But, as diet45 said, I am blessed to have such the support that I do have from my dad and my boyfriend.

unsupportive friends (and temptation)

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