One Year Ago Today

One year ago today, I was just an unhappy gal. I felt frustrated and without hope. I was 5'4 and 189 pounds. I was wearing size 16 and XL (or more). One year ago today I couldn't imagine being where I am now. I didn't dare even dream it. I HATED looking in the mirror. I felt ugly & unattractive. I remember thinking...if only I could lose 10 pounds, how much better I would feel. I remember my husband telling me about a formal we needed to attend and how horrible everything I tried on looked on me. I remember tears of frustration and the anger I had inside of me, toward myself. I just hated my body. I wasn't used to being that size and I didn't want to get used to it. I just felt stuck though. I tried to attend WW meetings. That had worked for me before. My husband was out of town SO often though. Attending with 2 very small children was next to impossible. I'd lose a few pounds and then slip back. I felt old and sluggish and my feet hurt. Then I went to visit my sister at the end of July. She just looked SO great. She'd lost 18 pounds on MFP and she was a former WW girl herself. I asked her about MFP but had ZERO confidence in myself. I WISHED I could lose weight, but that was only a ridiculous dream. I mean, I tried and failed SO many times before. I kept thinking about it though. The whole 2 hour drive home, I thought about it. If I could ONLY lose 10 pounds, maybe I could at least wear SOME of my old clothes again. I didn't want to try though because I didn't want to fail and FEEL like a big failure again. I couldn't make another commitment. It seemed like such an overwhelming and impossible task.

I had always struggled with my weight, but usually stayed in the 170's. I weighed 228 after giving birth to my first child. With a lot of hard work, I managed to get back down to "normal" a year afer having him. After child #2, I was close to the same weight. Before I could get all the baby weight off, I ended up pregnant again. Then that baby died as I was going into my second trimester. I was SO sad and depressed and I felt old, ugly, unhealthy, digusted with my body. On top of it all, I'd gone through all those weeks of pregnancy for nothing. (This was mis-carriage #4 for me, by the way. I lost three others inbetween my two boys).

August 1st, 2009. Steve was out of town. It was summer and the boys were with me 24/7. I thought about MFP but hadn't decided anything. As I sat in front of the computer that day, feeling fat, miserable and agitated with myself, I got curious about this website. Before I knew what was happening, I just did it. I signed up. I had no confidence and made no promises expect for that day. The day was half over already but I put in what I ate anyway. I started reading YOUR stories and found SO much I could relate to. YOU ALL inspired me, along with my sister. I did ONE DAY. The next day, I did that ONE DAY. There were days I literally made myself wait for another hour or so before eating in order to pace my hungry self. I just wanted bedtime to come so I could go to bed and when I DID go to bed, I felt successful.

At first my goal was 170, but then I thought, though it seemed crazy to me, I wanted to be honest and write down my REAL goal. I figured I'd just shoot for the moon. After all, it was just dreaming anyway, right? I changed it to 135. It was 9 pounds into the "normal weight" range and I wondered what I would even look like if I weighed that.

It has definately been a journey and I have had my ups and downs. I started into "unknown territory" for me around December and struggled slowly through the holidays. I always logged though. I always tried to be very honest with myself. This summer has been a big challenge too with LOTS of traveling and being in different places. I'm not where I want to be yet. I haven't arrived, but I HAVE changed my life.

Today, one year later.... I weigh 152. This is less then I have weighed ever in my adult life. I don't have my pediatric records, but I think I hit the 150's at around age 11 or 12. I actually weigh 23 pounds LESS than when I got married. I wear SIZE 10 now and either a Medium or Large top (I'm still pretty big busted). The clothes that seemed like an impossible dream to fit into...I passed them up long ago. They are HUGE on me. IT's so strange. I ran a 5K back in the Spring. I hope to do my first 10K in the fall. How did I get here? One tiny decision at a time. Will I stay here? That will depend on those seemingly small decisions too. Each and every small decision takes us somewhere, some direction. I know I don't EVER want to go back. I feel good aout myself. I feel younger and healthier and attractive again. My feet don't hurt anymore!! I have lost 37 pounds to date....