My 11 year old daughter now weighs more than me!

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BreeNJesse
BreeNJesse Posts: 150 Member
in Motivation and Support
I don't know what to do! My baby girl is very inactive and uses food as a crutch when she's bored or emotional. We do our best to get her out and working out, but my big problem is I have split custody and her d bag Dad doesn't monitor what she eats and allows her to be sedentary all the time! I am SO worried about summer and more weight gain. I don't want to crush her by talking with her about it and give my child some eating disorder, but I also don't want her to grow up obese and with heart disease and diabetes! What would you do? Suggestions are welcome! Thank you :)
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Replies

  • danamariers
    danamariers Posts: 155 Member
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    Would it help to take her to see a doctor/nutritionist or other health practitioner so they can break the bad news about her weight/health? Then they'd be the "bad guy".

    Maybe she'd take it seriously coming from a doctor and won't feel attacked?

    Good luck!
  • BreeNJesse
    BreeNJesse Posts: 150 Member
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    That is actually a great idea, I hadn't thought of that thank you~
  • emilydiehl08
    emilydiehl08 Posts: 54
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    As a child I was very heavy, and my parents fed into it. They let me have whatever I wanted because they didn't want to hurt my feelings. In some ways they were right, telling me I need to lose weight or bringing attention to the fact I was overweight probably would have made me feel upset. What I do wish they would have done is teach me about healthy food. Have me help them prepare healthy meals. Keep junk food out of the house. Let me help pick out healthy groceries or make a menu and list. I don't know if your daughter would like those things but at my age I would have. I loved to do "grown up" stuff.

    I was also very sedentary, I really enjoyed reading and computers. I was embarassed to go out and play because I was so much bigger then my friends, but looking back I regret missing all the fun times with friends because I was cooped up in my house. I'm not sure what would have helped here. Maybe a summer camp or the Y camp?
  • lauren3101
    lauren3101 Posts: 1,853 Member
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    I think firstly you need to sit down with her father and talk. I'm guessing from the tone of your post you don't get on, but you both have a common interest - your daughter. If he's a good father he will be willing to discuss it amicably with you. Tell him your concerns and see if he can do the same as you and encourage some activity and make healthy meals.

    It's probably not a great idea to tell her she's overweight, but you could certainly educate her on healthy choices and activities.
  • BreeNJesse
    BreeNJesse Posts: 150 Member
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    Yea see our problem is at our house she eats 100% healthy and works out but not at Dad's so it's just not enough. I do need to find an activity that she enjoys, she's just not a sporty kid, so it's tough!
  • daniellemm1
    daniellemm1 Posts: 465 Member
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    If you have had your own struggles with weight and/or healthy living maybe you could talk to her about it using you own life. "Mommy used to eat junk food and watch too much tv and gained weight and had some medical issues so I had to get healthy so I can live a long time with you. Will you help me to stay healthy and make sure you stay healthy too" or something to that effect. It puts the idea out there without making her feel bad about herself. My mother would criticize me or make remarks about me being chubby and I ended up with an eating disorder. When I was too skinny she talked about that which made me want to keep doing it just to piss her off.

    It is a very tough situation. I definately believe you should address it so that she grows up understanding how to eat healthy and exercise but remember a young girls self-esteem is very delicate.

    Best of luck to you!
  • I_Will_End_You
    I_Will_End_You Posts: 4,397 Member
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    I have the same issue with my 11 year old. She weighs nearly 10 lbs more than I do. She's very active, but eats terribly. She doesn't see her father, but my parents live across the street and she goes over there and eats junk constantly. I don't know what to do about it, either.
  • tekwriter
    tekwriter Posts: 923 Member
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    The Dr. is a great idea. You say she eats healthy at your house so that isn't a problem, do some activities with her and find some she likes and support it. The hope is she continues on her own at some point just for the fun of it. If not, then at least some is better than nothing. You can also make trips to farmers markets and perhaps start a small garden to increase her interest in healthy foods.
  • daniellemm1
    daniellemm1 Posts: 465 Member
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    I just saw that the problem is mainly with dad's house. Maybe pack her some healthy snacks when she goes there so she at least has some better options. I know if she stays for long periods of time that may be difficult but for weekend you may be able to send some healthy meals that you prepare for her to take. You can even have her help you to prepare the meals so she can learn and you can have some bonding time.
  • Lauran845
    Lauran845 Posts: 71 Member
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    I was a large child and it was tough for me to want to lose weight until it was too late. My parents worked all the time and my mother was a lazy cook. We always had cheeseburgers ready to go in the fridge to heat and eat. My parents shopped in bulk, which meant we always had boxes of honey buns and quick convenience foods. My family was also big, so my parents did the best they could to feed us all on their budget. Unfortunately, I am now a very large adult, very unhappy with my weight after a failed gastric banding surgery. Do you want your daughter to have to struggle with that? I never learned to eat healthy, count calories, let alone read nutrional information, portion control, the value of exercise, and so on and so on. It isn't my parents fault, like I said, they did the best they can. I remember moving out of my parents house and going grocery shopping on autopilot, if my mom put it in the cart, then I was supposed to as well, right?

    You have the opportunity to get you daughter on the right track. Be supportive, but not degrading. Teach her how to make smart decisions and practice what you preach. Skip the drive thru and go home to make dinner, snacking on something healthy while it cooks if it is a "late night". Get her a bike and go for bike rides together, walk the dog together, spend time together and for the love of everything holy....TRY TO GET ALONG WITH HER FATHER. If she eats to comfort herself emotionally, she can probably sense, or already knows, the disdain you have for him. Regardless if things didn't work out between you and he, you have a great kid that needs both parents to support and raise her. Perhaps talking to him about it will actually make a difference and the two of you can work together as a team to help her get on track to a healthy future. If you can't bear to deal with her father, could you possibly deal with his significant other? Believe me, some things are easier when YOU have a support system too.
  • JenRunTriHappyGirl
    JenRunTriHappyGirl Posts: 521 Member
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    I think firstly you need to sit down with her father and talk.

    This. Also.... harsh reality is, its not just her dad that has gotten her this way. I have a 10 year old son and have worried about his weight.... I was always the chubby girl and he is the chubby boy. You cannot control what she does with her dad, but you can control what she does with you. Period.

    I am not judging or anything, but as a parent of a "chubby" kid, I know how hard it is. A child does not get overweight because of what they do half of the time or every other weekend or whatever your arrangement it. Thats the truth. I would not push dieting and working out down her throat. Make healthy food choices for her and do not keep junk food in the house. My kids have to ask to have a snack. They are not allowed to eat without asking first, so I can monitor how many snacks they have. This way they do not bored eat. I also only allow 1 hour of TV and 1 hour of video games/computer games a day. I make them play outside on the weekends. If its hot, well we get the sprinkler and swimsuits out. Or we go to a pool.

    As parents, we have to own up to the mistakes we make. I hope this is not too harsh, because that is not my intention. Like I said before, a child does not get overweight because of what they do sometimes. Its easy when there are 2 households to blame the other parent..... but you have to take a step back and think about what YOU might be doing to cause these issues in her. Or ways that you can improve what you are already doing.

    Good luck!
  • ChasingKatie
    ChasingKatie Posts: 331 Member
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    Find a summer camp, or something she likes and sign her up. Summer should be an easier time to get her into moving.
  • Showmm
    Showmm Posts: 406 Member
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    Don't make it about wanting to change her. She will view it, either directly or subconsciously, as you aren't happy with her and don't love her for who she is.

    I would go about it by just doing more active things *with* her and keeping good foods in the house, no junk food snacks. Go out for walks, roller skating, swimming what have you, and encourage her to do it when with her dad as well. Maybe speak to him about it and see if he'll get on board in the same manner.
  • vjohn04
    vjohn04 Posts: 2,276 Member
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    Help her pick out a team sport to get active in- one she wants to do, and enroll her.
  • AlsDonkBoxSquat
    AlsDonkBoxSquat Posts: 6,128 Member
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    I agree with keeping her active this summer, sign her up for summer camps and activites, I realize that you have joint custody so sit down with your d bag ex and your daughter with a variety of camps, activities, and ideas and find one that both of them will support and organize a way to get there and back again. As far as food, at 11 she can start becoming responsibile for her decisions, talk to her about how her body uses food to fuel her life (keep the focus on healthy living and not on weight) and teach her how to cook some basic things and about this, not that. Again talk to your ex about her taking responsibility for herself and encourage him to put some of the cooking on her too. When working with him and your daughter you're going to have to figure out a way to make it 1) their idea and 2) more beneficial for them to do it than not do it.
  • Salt_Sand_Sun
    Salt_Sand_Sun Posts: 415 Member
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    You need to take her to a doctor and get the news that she needs to start making changes now. My niece at 10yo was around 150lbs. It wasn't until she was 11yo and about 167 that my SIL took her to the doctor to find out she was borderline diabetic.

    YOU are the mom, while dbag dad may let her eat and sit still...YOU can do things differently while she is with you. Buy fruits and veggies and healthy snacks. Monitor her food intake. Get out with her and do fun activities to get her active; hiking, biking, swimming, soccer, etc. Make being fit fun...not a chore! Teach her about eating right. My daughter loves to read the back of nutrition labels and she'll tell me if we should eat it or not. Its education and it starts with you mom!!

    And NOT talking to her may be just as detrimental or worse. My mom never spoke to me about food, nutrition, exercise and I *did* get and eating disorder. Much of my family was overweight and obese. I did NOT want to be like that and most of my friends were much smaller than me (I'm 5'9" and never understood I did not have the body of my 5'4" friends) so I took to ED!! I did whatever I could NOT to be fat. So.... you need to talk to her about being HEALTHY...not skinny!!
  • palmerar
    palmerar Posts: 489 Member
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    Yea see our problem is at our house she eats 100% healthy and works out but not at Dad's so it's just not enough. I do need to find an activity that she enjoys, she's just not a sporty kid, so it's tough!

    What about musical theater or dance? I was not the sporty type growing up but I took dance my whole life, I even majored in it and now teach. If you find the right dance studio (non competitive, for love of the art) she should feel comfortable moving at any size.
  • LogiesMom09
    LogiesMom09 Posts: 33 Member
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    I had the same problem with my daughter when she was around that age. The solution was to get her involved in things she was interested in. I signed her up for hip hop dance classes. She went to volleyball camp and basketball camp. I also started making small gradual changes in her diet, such as baked chips, fresh fruit or dried fruit instead of candy. We'd have mommy daughter days and go try on clothes and swimsuits. When we went out to eat, we would order from the appetizer menu and get water with slice oranges or lemons in it. It was all about making things fun and pretty and she really dug that. Instead of harping on what dad wasn't doing, I'd make it my mission to plant the right seed in her where she wouldn't want the bad things all the time. Eventually, she started to make those choices whether with me or dad. At age 10 she wore a misses size 16; She will be 20 tomorrow and is in a Junior size 11 at 5'9".

    Trust me, this is an issue but it isn't an insurmountable one.
  • sa11yjane
    sa11yjane Posts: 491 Member
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    bump as I am currently discussing this with my beautiful 15 year old daughter for whom food and weight is a very emotional subject; I empathise with you xxx
  • sa11yjane
    sa11yjane Posts: 491 Member
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    At age 10 she wore a misses size 16; She will be 20 tomorrow and is in a Junior size 11 at 5'9".

    Trust me, this is an issue but it isn't an insurmountable one.

    This is so encouraging, thanks for posting x

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