Spousal "Support"
aidane218
Posts: 8
OK..so how do you combat a "spouse" trying to sabotage your loss? Mine is really pushing it. He thinks I am losing too much weight. I am trying to be healthy. He likes a larger woman, in his defense. We have been together 3 years and since November, I have lost 70 pounds. From 330 to 259. LOL I am off diabetes and heart meds and feel great but he is making comments about me going to the gym, brings junk food home, just makes digs about me working out and losing weight, if you can imagine...this started the last 20 pounds I have lost. I am trying to lose 30 more. How do I do this? I am trying to take some extra college courses and I work full time also...he does not work, stay at home Dad, so to speak. I have two kids and run for them also..His first thing for me to cut out of my schedule is the gym. WTH? He is my boyfriend...in great shape at 40 but this is crazy! Any ideas? I am pretty new on here and not many friends so, bringing it to the masses...ha!
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Replies
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Talk to him... if he cares about your well-being (physical and mental) then he needs to support you in this. If he says he doesn't want to support you to being healthy in every way, then I wouldn't see a point to being with him anymore. It would break my heart if my boyfriend did not support me, and as hard as that sounds, I would have to walk away. My health is important, and I deserve it. So do you! However, I notice a lot of times couples don't -blatantly- talk about their feelings, which causes things like this to go uncured. Tell him why you're doing this, for the physical health of it but also the emotional.0
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I would talk to him maybe he is afraid he will lose you? Let him know you are doing this for health reasons not to look good for anybody but him! I kinda had the same thing with mine and he confessed he thought I would get in shape and find someone better and I told him he was the best!0
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You need to talk to him, you had health concerns before that have now disappeared since losing the weight. You have 2 kids that you need to do this for as well. You want to be around to see them get big. My mom was over weight and my step father loved that. At 50 she became diabetic, at 57 she had multiple strokes and at 59 she died. Don't worry about other peoples opinions. Do what is right for YOU first. Great job on the 70lbs, and keep up the work for the last 30. Add me if you like.0
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I wonder if your weight loss is making him feel insecure in some way. I'd also talk to him and tell him you need support and how important your goal is to YOU - even if it isn't important to him, he should support you in this effort. Or at least not try to bring you down.
Just curious - how does he cut going to the gym out of YOUR schedule? I'd tell him this is non-negotiable.0 -
Ask him what is more important
Your health
OR what he finds attractive
Hopefully his answer is the first one...0 -
He is either afraid he is going to lose you once you get "skinny" or he doesn't want you leaving the house so he gets stuck with the kids. I can't imagine a husband would want his wife to stay sick. If you were chubby and healthy, sure but sick? It has to be something else. Try to see if he has other issues which are bothering him and ask him to be a little more sensitive to your needs. Husbands are such *kitten* sometimes.0
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Wait, is he your spouse or your boyfriend? If he were your husband, I'd say you owe it to him to have an honest discussion. A boyfriend, though ... he can either get on board or GTFO.0
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Is it possible he is threatened by your weight loss? Maybe he is afraid that since you are the bread winner and you are losing all this weight, feeling good about yourself, and looking good that you are gonna find someone new and leave him?0
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just wondering why you put spounce in quotes..?0
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A boyfriend can get on board or get lost. There's the door, buddy, don't let it hit ya where the good Lord split ya.
That's my first reaction. HOWEVER, in deference to the apparent fact that you love this guy and want to make the relationship work, talk to him. It's not unusual for a man with a heavy partner to fear losing that partner to someone else (read: a younger, fitter man) when the partner starts losing significant weight. You look better, you feel better, and in his mind you may deserve better. If that's the case, smack him one upside the head for being an idiot and reassure him that you are doing this to be healthy, not so you can land a "better catch".
Honestly though, if he can't resign himself to a slimmer, healthier you, then you really need to do some hard thinking about whether he's the person you want teaching your kids what a good relationship looks like.0 -
Wait, is he your spouse or your boyfriend? If he were your husband, I'd say you owe it to him to have an honest discussion. A boyfriend, though ... he can either get on board or GTFO.
Well spouse was written "spouse" so I assume they aren't married but but have lived together for a while and have children. When kids are involved it can be harder to just tell someone to gtfo.
In this case however if he'd honestly prefer her diabetic and in need of heart medication to healthy because she's spending more time out of the home or he doesn't find a slimmer her attractive he can screw right off. That's not love, that's basically saying his desire is more important than your health. Hell more important than your life! Unacceptable0 -
I don't think he's jealous.
I don't think he's sabotaging your weight loss.
I think he's a relatively in shape guy who doesn't put an especially high emphasis on health and fitness.
I would have a conversation with him letting him know how important this is to you.
If that doesn't work it might be time to rethink things.0 -
It's not a sabotage. Generally, people are resistant to any change.
Honestly, I think after you lose it, it will cease to be an issue.
My opinion is that we're in this alone, and it's the only way to make these changes stick. If someone has your back, that's nice, but requiring it isn't necessary.
Your gym time is your time, your body is yours to change. Insist on it.0 -
Right! He is a BF but we live together for the last 3 years. He is driving me nuts with it. I do not want to get married again..sorry for the confusion!0
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I would talk to him maybe he is afraid he will lose you? Let him know you are doing this for health reasons not to look good for anybody but him! I kinda had the same thing with mine and he confessed he thought I would get in shape and find someone better and I told him he was the best!
^^^ THIS...the more weight you lose, the more guys will look at you, the more competition he will have (even if its in his own mind).0 -
Hitting the nail on the head!0
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We are not married. He would like to but, I do not. In all honesty, before him I was a victim of DV for a long time and marriage is not in my cards at this point however, he does act as a spouse and I put the "Support" portion in quotes as that is what my real issue is. He started off supportive but, it is changing...thank you!!!0
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Relationships should be about supporting the other's good decisions and helping them through the bad ones. He needs to re-evaluate his role in your good decisions and put your well being ahead of his selfish desires.0
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It is so discouraging to be with an SO who not only is not supporting but is, in fact, putting blocks in your path!!
I do have one question in regard to your relationship -- why doesn't he work? Is he disabled? I ask because he may feel dependent on you - and is afraid if you "get in shape" you will attract other men and he is afraid you'll leave him.
I have health issues too -- high blood pressure, heart disease, and more. My SO is disabled and I have become the "Mommy". Certain issues prevent me from giving him the boot. Every day I am filled with resentment because he makes everything difficult for me. I've tried talking to him about the fact that I have to lose weight to improve my health. It's like talking to the wall. I'm sure it's hard for you because of your children. Would he consider counseling? If not, you have to decide that your health is too important. You have the right to go to the gym. If need be, go straight from work so you don't have to get into a "discussion" about it. Don't sell yourself short.
Good luck - I wish you continued success. :flowerforyou:
P.S. -- Like you, my SO wants to get married - but I won't. I'm doing my best to convince him to "move along" peacefully. :grumble:0 -
Idk why spouses/boyfriends are like this. I get this at times from my own hubby. I feel like this has always been my goal every year, and now that I'm finally doing it he tries to stop me. When I reached a certain weight he seemed to really enjoy it. Lately he isn't as supportive, because he doesn't want me to lose more. So his goal for me and my goal for me don't match. I think men in general get a little insecure, but it's their problem and not ours. I say keep going, tell him that your doing this for yourself and he can support you or not but it won't change.0
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This sounds to me more like someone who loves you but might have his own self esteem issues which maybe why he prefers bigger women. The more weight you lose and the healthier you get, along with your time away from home, in his mind may leave you open to catch someone elses eye. Especially at the gym. I think sitting down with him and really explaining to him that you will not give up your gym routine and you want his support on this because you love him and it means alot to you to be healthy not only for you but so you to can also enjoy a long life together. Reassure him that you are not going anywhere and in fact his support would make him even more attractive vs what you perceive to be passive agressive comments. My fiance is not a jealous man but I know a few times when I went to the gym in my work out clothes he said I looked hot and he worried about some men hitting on me. He is supportive. I just reassured him by heart and loyalty are with him and I don't even pay attention to anyone else. Depending on how things continue, couples counseling may help. You to help you with bringing in DV from the past relationship and him with the apparent low self confidence... But this is an outsiders opinion so I could be wayyyy off.0
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That sounds just like my wife - she is forever opening a bag of chips and sitting next to me on the couch. Finally I told her I would buy and prepare my own food. She still makes spaghetti a lot, but I can resist now. For her it is about insecurity - she sees me getting in shape, and I believe she wonders why.
Stay strong, don't give in. That's what I do.0 -
He is either afraid he is going to lose you once you get "skinny" or he doesn't want you leaving the house so he gets stuck with the kids. I can't imagine a husband would want his wife to stay sick. If you were chubby and healthy, sure but sick? It has to be something else. Try to see if he has other issues which are bothering him and ask him to be a little more sensitive to your needs. Husbands are such *kitten* sometimes.
I totally agree.
My wife loved me large and lifting all the time (6' 2" and 262 in 2000), but she knew there was someone MUCH leaner in there dying to get out. I was 240 the last 10 years, now at 211 she loves giving my XXL clothes to mens shelters and buying me new clothes. Her four brothers are very lean (played sports all their lives) so she supports were I am going(195 lbs).
You need to be healthy above all else.0 -
I would tell him you are going to lose weight, period. Then, ask him if he can honestly handle that. If he says yes, then it's agreed that he will stop the antics. If he says no, well...0
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Bottom line is if he doesn't think your health is more important than his physical attraction to you, there's something wrong there.0
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so sorry you have to go through this struggle.
it really does become a challenge when your partner is against your lifestyle change.
i agree with several people that this could be a level of insecurity on his part. you mentioned that he has pressured you to settle down, and you have refused to tie the knot. perhaps he feels you are planning to leave and the weight loss is just the first step?
i strongly suggest you sit down with him and let him know how good being healthy makes you feel...maybe even stroke his ego a bit and tell him how good you will look for him. give him some reassurances that you don't intend on going anywhere. and if none of that gets through to him, ask him point-blank what his problem is. if his only beef with your transformation is appearance, take a step back. life happens. people change, grow old. accidents happen. you will not always look the way you do now, and if he is THAT fickle, you may want to consider cutting ties.0 -
We are not married. He would like to but, I do not. In all honesty, before him I was a victim of DV for a long time and marriage is not in my cards at this point however, he does act as a spouse and I put the "Support" portion in quotes as that is what my real issue is. He started off supportive but, it is changing...thank you!!!
If he wants to marry you but you are resistant and at the same time you are working out and getting healthy he may seriously be worried that when you reach your goals and have a "new life" he might not be a part of it.
Eta: I realize now that this has already be said. I am so tired I didn't read all the comments...carry on.0 -
I could not agree more with the comments that are offered on here, especially since it has having a clear, positive impact on your health. Especially since there are children involved: taking care of yourself and being healthy is the best thing you can do for your children. My sense is insecurity plays a role, as well as perhaps him being jealous of the me time you spend at the gym. keep forging ahead and stay strong and get your strength from within and the knowledge that you are doing the best thing for yourself and those around you. Once it becomes a non-negotiable way of life, hopefully he will get off your back about it. But I also agree, you don't need the support and while the sabotoge is annoying you're better than that! Just stay focuseed on your goal and what you need to do to get there!!! Good luck!0
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Give him a taste of his own medicine. Tease him about his laziness, his weight, his "faults".0
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I don't know... mine just told me today that I need to put "more meat on my bones..."
I looked at him like he was nuts.
Do what's best for YOU, he'll adapt...0
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