Anyone suffered with Low Self-Esteem?

MrsGraves1987
MrsGraves1987 Posts: 162 Member
in Motivation and Support
I am currently suffering with Low Self esteem, and it's putting a huge strain on my relationship.

It is caused by how uncomfortable I am about the way I look. I can't seem to get over my jealousy and paranoia and it's all because I believe I am ugly and fat. Writing this makes me sound like I am being petty - but I'm not. It's lasted around 3 years, but the last year has been the worse - and I'm not even at my biggest.

I am pushing my husband away, and I'm not sure how to deal with this. It's nearly at the point where I'm sure he can't deal with my paranoia when a pretty, in-shape woman comes on the TV and he gets an ear bashing, or If he works later than expected he's with another woman. Any help or advice from people who have suffered, or who are close to people who suffer with Low Self Esteem? I'm at the end of my tether, and I feel like I'm on the brink of a breakdown and I'm only 25.

:flowerforyou:
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Replies

  • barbsdag
    barbsdag Posts: 16 Member
    I completely understand where you are coming from and, I want to encourage you to be strong and confident in who you are and, what you look like. I grew up in the day when Twiggy was popular and, I was wearing a 16/18 so, I was not part of the 'popular-in-crowd'. My husband married me and, we were together until his death. In June I shall celebrate my 64th birthday and, I can honestly say, it is only in the last 8 months that I am comfortable with who I am and how I look. I am still overweight but, I came down from over 300 lbs to 207 and now I am back to 226. My goal is to get down to 185 in a healthy way. What I would like to recommend to you is print out cards or use index cards and place on bathroom mirror, you steering wheel in the car, your pocketbook, the fridge, microwave, at work and any other place POSITIVE SAYINGS about yourself...i.e., I am an amazing person; Today I look fantastic; I am a good person and great friend...etc. When you feel that annoying negative feeling approach you, stop it and say out loud that is NOT TRUE, I AM AMAZING. Please keep us updated on how you are progressing.
  • JessicaPasieka
    JessicaPasieka Posts: 149 Member
    I have suffered with low self esteem my entire life. I've been overweight for years and even having lost almost 150 lbs., I still have low self esteem. Although I've gained confidence, I still get worried that my boyfriend looks at prettier, thinner women all of the time. Although, I don't get mad at him because I know he's Not. It's all in my own mind and in my own thinking. Having dealt with this for years, I'm conditioned to think everyone and everything is better than me. Yes, it's an awful feeling to have and I can relate to you completely. But at the end of the day, you have to learn to love yourself for who and what you are.
  • MrsGraves1987
    MrsGraves1987 Posts: 162 Member
    Thank you so much for your responses. You have both done such an amazing job with your weight losses, well done!

    I feel bad for my husband because he is exhausted trying to deal with me. Accusing him every week for something or other that I am jealous and scared about because of the way I think I look to him. I feel like he's with me out of pity.

    Because of how I feel, I don't bother with how I look. I tie my hair when wet, I don't look in the mirror before leaving the house - I noticed today I wore a shirt to work with two holes in the front. It dawned on me today what I must look like to other people. A real mess.

    I'm going to try and look after myself a bit more - I just need to take little steps :heart:
  • larsensue
    larsensue Posts: 461 Member
    Good for you for being able to recognize what is going on. now you have to make a concerted effort to stop the behaviour. try: whenever you feel like you are pushing him away Give him a big hug and say I feel low right now so just hug me.... I know it sounds silly but it will help you AND him understand when you are feeling low and it will help to build your trust in him and the relationship. eventually you will be able to look him in the eye and feel confident to tell him how you feel and what you need him/you to do to make it better.
    I hope this helped.....
  • elainecroft
    elainecroft Posts: 595 Member
    Talk to a therapist or counselor who you feel comfortable with. It's expensive but your life and your marriage is worth the money. Even 1 or 2 sessions talking to someone can help.
  • highervibes
    highervibes Posts: 2,219 Member
    It's probably all those frumpy clothes made for 30 year olds *eyeroll*
  • rubywoo123
    rubywoo123 Posts: 80
    this is EXACTLY how i feel darling. i don't know what to say but all i know is i feel your pain so well xxxxxxx
  • MrsGraves1987
    MrsGraves1987 Posts: 162 Member
    Thank you so much ladies. Although I'd never wish feeling low on anyone, It's a weight off my shoulders to know that it's 'normal'. xx
  • JessicaPasieka
    JessicaPasieka Posts: 149 Member
    Do things that make yourself feel good and beautiful. I treat myself to monthly pedicures and facials. It's a treat for me, and they make me feel good and taken care of. Take pride in yourself. You have one body, one life. Embrace it. Be happy. Your husband is your husband for a reason. Keep him close.
  • Tewsy87
    Tewsy87 Posts: 55 Member
    I'm in the same boat. You need to focus on yourself. Make goals and complete them. Loosing weight can be a transforming journey for more than just your body, but your mind also. Make sure your hubby knows that you are going through a lot and your really need his support and encouragement. Also, make sure you have people to vent to. A friend or a therapist can be really helpful through struggling times.
  • goodtimezzzz
    goodtimezzzz Posts: 640 Member
    yeah my entire life! one day about 2 years ago..I woke up..and said to myself..I am gonna love you ..you are phenomenal..an amazing person..I love myself now I love life..This is my mantra every single dayyyy:)
    Best from NYC
    Kristian Rocco
  • Mattsama
    Mattsama Posts: 36 Member
    I know were you're coming from. I actually got back down to my goal weight back in Feb 2012. Over the last year and a half, I've steadily found myself putting the weight back. Now I'm back up at my original weight. As a result, I've been quietly struggling with a mild depression... like you pushing family away.

    Last week, I restarted my membership with a CrossFit gym (no, I'm not recommending you go specifically to a CF gym), and I can already feel the adjustment in my atitude towards my wife, kids, and co-workers. The people there are a positive influence, the atmosphere is fun and encouraging. Find that! Even if it's at a seniors water aerobics class, find that!! When you surround yourself with people who enjoy you, and that you enjoy (if even for an hour), it changes your outlook profoundly!
  • zolisam
    zolisam Posts: 6
    Mrs. Graves, I bet you could do something about low self-esteem and turn the snowballing negativity around. It's natural to feel the way you do; however, it's not natural to let it continue without doing anything about it. Exercise is a great way to punch the living $&@% out of feelings of low self-esteem. By the way, even the "pretty" people suffer from that particular affliction. You could change your mood right away by choosing to focus on one positive thing you like about yourself. Or, you could focus on one positive thing you like about your partner and voice your opinion since everyone enjoys a sincere compliment.

    All the best to you AND your beautiful self (inside and out).

    Sam
  • Buff2022
    Buff2022 Posts: 373 Member
    Yes I have low self-esteem. I am not worried about my man and other women. I tell him all the time they don't have *kitten* on me. I know saying that sounds like I don't have low self-esteem.

    I have heard for so many years:
    No one will marry you fat --
    You won't find a good job
    You are so pretty if you lose the weight.
    Why are you eating that

    When I was pregnant my ex said to the doctor. How huge is she going to get? HELLO there is a baby in there. And I gained 23 pounds being pregnant. And 8 pounds of that was my son. I ate and ate healthy.

    The same MF was cheating on me and gave his girlfriend my Sox shirt - cause it did not fit me. Really....I am having a baby.

    I am not saying that stuff does not still hurt. But I refuse to spend another day feeling bad because others have a big mouth.

    I am breaking through this. Losing weight has helped me. I will tell you the other day a Family member called me an idiot. I told them straight out. Don't talk to me like that. I won't tolerate it anymore.

    I will say I have very Strong Man he does not put up with the negative self talk. Just the other day we were talking about a friend and how she was being towards me. I put my head down and he was like LOOK AT ME! There is no reason to feel bad you did not cause this.

    So you need to start caring of you. You need to realize big or small you are a beautiful woman. Your husband loves you. Those women on TV are people. They having nothing on you.

    I told my man when we were talking about me losing weight. Realize I am always going to have big boobs, hips and an *kitten*. I said if you have $7,000.00 then we can have a tummy tuck. But one c-section, my age (46) and a few other surgeries. Don't expect this flat pretty tummy. It may not happen.

    Get in the Game! Start realizing you are Beautiful.
  • araromi2
    araromi2 Posts: 111 Member
    I guess what I really struggle with is being comfortable in my own skin. My husband loves me and never has anything negative to say about my body but since Ive gained weight I feel really uncomfortable when he stares at me when I am getting dressed or undressed. I know even though I am bigger that what I would like to be that I am beautiful. It makes sense logically but something happens to me emotionally that makes me not really want to engage on a physical level when I am above a certain weight.
  • Calliope610
    Calliope610 Posts: 3,783 Member
    Self esteem means what the words imply. Self esteem is the esteem with which YOU have for yourself. It is about the way you feel about yourself. No one else is responsible for how you feel about yourself, esp the actress on TV or the woman your husband works with. And your husband is not responsible for your self-esteem. However, he should offer you support and encouragement. But he shouldn't be held hostage by your jealousy and low esteem issues.


    You want good self esteem? Then do esteemable things. You want good self worth? Do worthy things.
  • silvergurl518
    silvergurl518 Posts: 4,123 Member
    my self-estseem was down to ZERO after being bullied and teased for years growing up. then i began abusing alcohol in college and a couple of years post-college, and i ended up being hospitalized twice for alcohol poisoning. i've only really begun to get to know myself and start appreciating me for ME in the years since getting sober. i work with a therapist once a week and he really is a godsend. i still have issues (anxiety, OCD) but i'm finally more comfortable in my own skin at 30 than i was at 16, 20, 25, or even 28.

    i wish the best for you.
  • lorieric5037
    lorieric5037 Posts: 97
    If you don't stop putting yourself down, comparing yourself to other women & assuming your husband is cheating on you, etc., I can pretty much guarantee the man you love will slowly, surely start walking away from you. Focus on your marriage and being happy/healthy. Think before you speak. (Words of wisdom from an "older" woman who's been there, done that!):flowerforyou:
  • Buff2022
    Buff2022 Posts: 373 Member
    It makes sense logically but something happens to me emotionally that makes me not really want to engage on a physical level when I am above a certain weight.

    I get that and I have tried to explain that to men. But they just see our beauty.
  • danasings
    danasings Posts: 8,218 Member
    If you don't stop putting yourself down, comparing yourself to other women & assuming your husband is cheating on you, etc., I can pretty much guarantee the man you love will slowly, surely start walking away from you. Focus on your marriage and being happy/healthy. Think before you speak. (Words of wisdom from an "older" woman who's been there, done that!):flowerforyou:

    ^^^THIS.

    I drove my ex-husband away by continually putting myself down, being jealous and insecure, etc. Well, we split for many other reasons too, but that was a big part of it.

    Your attitude about yourself teaches others how to think and feel about you. And you CAN change it, if you want to. It takes a lot of work and focus, but it can be done.

    When I met my real husband (the first one was fake, haha) and started speaking badly about myself, he said, "Stop insulting the woman I love." After a while, I did. I began to say nice things about myself out loud and in my head...stopped listening to the voice that tells me I am worthless/fat/ugly/old/etc...YES, I still have bad days, but they are fewer and farther between as time passes.

    You can change this. Find a therapist, look into some self help literature, and start today.
  • BeinAwesome247
    BeinAwesome247 Posts: 257 Member
    Therapy is really a good thing!

    I have this problem dating I've realized. Terribly insecure to the extent I just don't want to do it
    This along with some other personal things have had me consider finding a therapist....again.... to talk to
  • IronMikeFox
    IronMikeFox Posts: 458
    Hey MrsGraves. Please friend me if you like. After growing up being bullied and ridiculed at school and being abused mentally and physically at home, I lost any self-esteem I may have had. Chronic depression (among other MH issues) doesn't help matters. I try to crack away at it every day, but it's a life-long struggle. I would definitely recommend therapy if is adversely affecting your relationships. I know that it has sabotaged many aspects of my life. When I was younger I made the decision that the best way to stop being the freak that people make fun of was to become the monster that they are afraid of. This obviously lead to some self-destructive behavior that I would not recommend. If you ever need to vent, feel free to IM me at any time. I'm still a train wreck so I am not a great person to give advice, but I AM a great person to listen and empathize.
  • glovepuppet
    glovepuppet Posts: 1,710 Member
    therapy. therapy, therapy, therapy.

    if you love your man you'll get some therapy, because the way you're treating him is abusive. i'm not saying that with an angry face, because i can see that it's coming from a place of pain, but it's a serious problem that you need to fix.

    if your problem has reached the point of you hurting others then it's time to get professional help.
  • oX_Vanessa_Xo
    oX_Vanessa_Xo Posts: 478
    Im pretty sure everyone on MFP has some sort of low self esteem
  • Calliope610
    Calliope610 Posts: 3,783 Member
    Im pretty sure everyone on MFP has some sort of low self esteem

    Speak for yourself please. I have wonderful self esteem. My physical condition has absolutely no bearing on I feel about myself. I love myself, not based on the package I come in, but based on the contents of the package.

    As I mentioned before, self esteem is what I think about myself. I know I am a good person, I'm worthy and valuable. If others look at me and only see a fat old lady, that is about them, not me, and has no bearing on my self esteem.
  • glovepuppet
    glovepuppet Posts: 1,710 Member
    Im pretty sure everyone on MFP has some sort of low self esteem
    why would you make that assumption?
  • knitwit0704
    knitwit0704 Posts: 376
    Bump. Me as well, I will post some maybe details later.
  • SoViLicious
    SoViLicious Posts: 2,633 Member
    I am so sorry you are suffering from low self-esteem. I know I have my days when I am hard on myself. But I have never had low self-esteem. I am a very confidant person. Growing up I was raised by an out going confident mother. She showed me to love myself and take pride in my appearance. As a mother I make sure that both my children hear how much they are loved and are special to me. I tell them daily that they are wonderful. I want them to grow up thinking these thoughts about themselves. One day someone will challenge them and try to change their minds. I want them to know deep down no matter what any one says, their mother has attested to them that they are beautiful, intelligent and loved.

    Also,

    You need to fake it until you make it dear. I know you have something you love about you. We all do. Fixate on it. Display it, talk about it. Flaunt it. Then remember to love yourself.
  • glovepuppet
    glovepuppet Posts: 1,710 Member
    Im pretty sure everyone on MFP has some sort of low self esteem

    Speak for yourself please. I have wonderful self esteem. My physical condition has absolutely no bearing on I feel about myself. I love myself, not based on the package I come in, but based on the contents of the package.
    i'm somewhat perplexed by this, too.

    membership of this site doesn't automatically mean everyone has lower self esteem than the general population.
  • ConleighS
    ConleighS Posts: 1,058 Member
    I used to look in the mirror and tell myself EVERY DAY until my mid 30's that I was fat and ugly and nobody cared. One day came to to realization - how can I expect anyone else to care about me if I didn't care! It has been a long battle to get to where I feel like a "normal" person and look in the mirror and can say I look great, or I look like crap depending on the day. I agree with Barb... writing affirmations and putting them on your mirrors works great...and having a husband that loves you for YOU both help - you have to BELIEVE it.

    You will get there, and talking about it and asking for help is a great first step. Don't be afraid to tell your husband how you are feeling.

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