I am ready to Crack!

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Buff2022
Buff2022 Posts: 373 Member
in Motivation and Support
I have posted a few times that my bff of 20 years has colon cancer. We are at the end now and it is just a waiting game for God to take her home. I was so lucky to see her the other day. I think we both needed that visit. I don't know if it was the last visit but I told her how much I loved her and kissed her on the cheek. I was so strong and didn't shed a tear. Not even when she asked me after she is gone to check up on her oldest (22) who is going to be a Daddy come Nov.

Now I am just so sad. I wake up every morning and just cry. I saddness is so overwhelming. The people who I thought would be supportive are so wrapped up in things (major) going on in their lives. They don't even see my pain. I understand that this is my BFF not theirs. But I really can't take the phone calls anymore of them wanting to talk about what is going on with them. I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to hear it. I know that may sound really horrible and I don't mean it that way. Can I just get 10 min. to let this out.

This is second hardest death I have had to deal with. My father was the first. I am just consumed by grief right now. The thought of this woman not being here anymore just breaks me. I am really scared of what is going to happen when the day does come.

I have stopped answering my phone for now. I get the text messages of what is going on and I answer ok. Just so they know I have seen it. I may be selfish but I just can't hear about it anymore. For the last 4 months. I have been there dealing with this with them. Now I need a step back. I am sorry for what they are going through but I just can't listen to it anymore. More I think because the person causing all this can stop this. My friend can't stop what is going on with her.

thank you for reading and letting me get some of this out.

Replies

  • Julesbait
    Julesbait Posts: 190 Member
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    You're not selfish. You're grieving.

    I have no words, other than I'm so sorry. I wish you and your friend peace.
  • I_Will_End_You
    I_Will_End_You Posts: 4,397 Member
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    No advice, just wanted to say I'm so sorry to hear about your friend.
  • bennzz61
    bennzz61 Posts: 18 Member
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    I am so sorry you are going through this. Of course I have no idea what you mean when you say your friends are going through major things and want to talk about it (good/bad news like buying a home, having kids, etc.) but there really isn't anything wrong with telling, 'look, I honestly can't talk right now, my BFF is dying and I just need some quiet and alone time. . .' Friends should understand or at least let you do the talking for awhile.

    Turn off the phone if they don't get it and just take some time for yourself. I'm really sorry, I can't imagine losing my BFFs right now in my life. We're still too young! Take care.
  • Buff2022
    Buff2022 Posts: 373 Member
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    I am so sorry you are going through this. Of course I have no idea what you mean when you say your friends are going through major things and want to talk about it (good/bad news like buying a home, having kids, etc.) but there really isn't anything wrong with telling, 'look, I honestly can't talk right now, my BFF is dying and I just need some quiet and alone time. . .' Friends should understand or at least let you do the talking for awhile.

    Turn off the phone if they don't get it and just take some time for yourself. I'm really sorry, I can't imagine losing my BFFs right now in my life. We're still too young! Take care.

    The other people are going through bad stuff that is major. For now today is a quiet time that I am reflecting on 20 years of friendship. We have been through it all together. Divorce, remarriage, new babies, crazy ex-husbands, crazy mothers. New Year's Eve parties where we slept in the bathroom, college graduations, moving out of state, losing jobs, being poor. I mean we have done it all.

    She is the ONLY person in my life who has never made me feel bad about my weight, or anything. She has always been this beautiful blond tiny woman. And the one I could talk to about my weight. Even though if we were lucky she weighed 100 pounds soaking wet. She understood. Cause everyone would say..Does she eat? OMG that girl could eat. She said even though she was thin (it was just in her genes) people would always have something to say about her weight. But she always understood me. She was the one I was never afraid to tell her everything. She has always been an awesome mom. I am so blessed to have her.
  • dawningr
    dawningr Posts: 387 Member
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    I'm so very sorry. I agree with the person above. Just turn off your phone and take time for you. ::hugs::
  • MinnieInMaine
    MinnieInMaine Posts: 6,400 Member
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    First, this seems like such a weak cliche thing to say but I have no other words. I am truly sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine losing either one of my best friends...they're more family to me than people who actually share my bloodline.

    I agree that there's nothing wrong with being honest with your other friends. Avoiding them may hurt their feelings but most importantly, I know if it was me, I'd be really worried about you. Just put it all out there and tell them you're sorry but you can't deal with anything else right now, your plate is full and you'll let them know when you're ready. There's nothing wrong with admitting you can't handle it all. Friendship is a two way street!

    Big hugs...
  • LokiOfAsgard
    LokiOfAsgard Posts: 378 Member
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    *HUGS*
  • Buff2022
    Buff2022 Posts: 373 Member
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    Thank you I don't know what else to say.

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