Should Death Be a Secret?
We just found out my father in law has terminal cancer. He called to tell us, and so far the only ones who know are my husband & I, his wife and the doctors. He has asked us not to tell anyone else including his ex-wife, my husband's sisters and the grandchildren, etc
I have mixed feelings about this. While I believe he is trying to spare his loved ones a lot of pain, I'm not sure withholding this bad news is the best thing to do.
For example, my 21 yr old son is very close to his Grandpa. He is going to be hit hard by this. I wish he could know now so he can prepare himself and come to terms with it. On 4/19/2012 my son lost his best friend in a car accident. He visited his friend's grave every month on the 19th for the first year. It was a sudden loss and he was devastated. I know the pain of losing his Grandpa will be very, very hard, no matter what. A lot of us have been through that. But I think if he could know now, I believe it would help him.
We will definitely honor his request and not say anything, but I sure wish he'd change his mind. Maybe he's waiting for the "right time"? We'll see. But my impression was that he just doesn't want anyone to know until well, he goes.
What do you think? Should you tell everyone about a terminal illness or are there certain people you'd not tell?
I have mixed feelings about this. While I believe he is trying to spare his loved ones a lot of pain, I'm not sure withholding this bad news is the best thing to do.
For example, my 21 yr old son is very close to his Grandpa. He is going to be hit hard by this. I wish he could know now so he can prepare himself and come to terms with it. On 4/19/2012 my son lost his best friend in a car accident. He visited his friend's grave every month on the 19th for the first year. It was a sudden loss and he was devastated. I know the pain of losing his Grandpa will be very, very hard, no matter what. A lot of us have been through that. But I think if he could know now, I believe it would help him.
We will definitely honor his request and not say anything, but I sure wish he'd change his mind. Maybe he's waiting for the "right time"? We'll see. But my impression was that he just doesn't want anyone to know until well, he goes.
What do you think? Should you tell everyone about a terminal illness or are there certain people you'd not tell?
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Replies
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Perhaps, as time goes along, his deterioration will provide clues to everyone and his death won't be such a shock. I empathize with you. It is a sad situation to be in.0
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Maybe you can let your son know that his grandpa is very sick and it will very likely get worse? At least tell grandpa what you have told all of us here and maybe he will change his mind about letting others know.0
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I think he's in the right. There's nothing he can do to prevent what is going to happen, and people can do without the worry. He probably just wants to continue living as normally as possible, and I don't think it's fair to expect any different. While the inevitable will be more of a shock to those he hasn't told, the suffering will be less than if they know and have it on their conscience for months in advance.0
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My mom was diagnosed with cancer 10 months ago. She didn't wan't to share it with people either. Unfortunately she was too sick to hide it from her direct family and colleagues. She didn't want any of her exes to know, or her 'old' best friends in Spain who she was still very close with.
I think being able to say goodbye to someone is so, so, so, sooo important. Knowing that she was going to die made it able for me to say everything I still wanted to say, hug her, kiss her, paint her nails, do her hair, buy her nice flowers. Those are all ways of saying you love someone and will miss them when they're gone.
There are two sides to this story. The people he will leave behind will benefit greatly from being able to say goodbye. It is very hard to KNOW someone you love is going to die. It is tiring, stressfull and you always feel like you're inadequate. HOWEVER; now my mom is gone (she passed 3 weeks ago), I can't believe how quick time passed and I look back and don't feel the burden anymore at all. I am so grateful for the time we had and that we were able to say our goodbyes. I was able to find some closure in that and it has helped me tremendously.
The other side of the story is that your dad might not WANT to deal with all the emotions, because it's too hard for him. My mom didn't want anyone to come and visit her anymore the last few weeks, and didn't want her brothers to know she was going to be euthanised (she chose thos option). We had to call them after she passed. It was her wish, and we respected that.
Edited to say my mom's ex husband didn't know either. She thought is wasn't any of his business.
I wish you all the luck, strenght and courage. You'll get through this.
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It could be that he is still sorting out his feelings himself and isn't ready for a zillion calls from everyone (and visits). He probably needs to come to terms internally before he is ready to share it with the rest of the family. I would honor his request and as time goes on, maybe you could ask him when he was planning on telling everyone else, or, if you could. I'm sure he will eventually.0
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No. It should not. It's a very public event. He is being selfish. I would never adhere to his wish because it's stupid.
Ever been there? Just wondering what you are basing this on.0 -
While I agree in honoring a person's wishes, I can see what a predicament this places you in, particularly in regards to your son. Since your son is an adult, I believe that he would want to know.
I agree with the posts above. People who see him will start noticing the changes as his health deteriorates and questions will be asked. Also, I think since it is your FIL, maybe your husband should talk to him and share your thoughts as you have expressed them here with us.
Personally, for myself, if it was anyone in my family, I would want to know. I would want to be able to pray for the person and the family.0 -
He's probably still trying to figure out how to deal with it himself. It's no small thing to find out that you're going to die. Give him time, and, if the right moment presents itself, gently broach the subject.0
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I lost my husband four years ago following a five year battle with cancer. He didn't want people to know at first because he wasn't ready to admit to himself the inevitable (he was only 45 when he died). Your father needs time to come to terms with this; facing one's own immortality is one of life's most difficult processes and when he's ready to, I'm sure he'll take that step with others as well. Once everyone knows, it becomes a long journey of saying final good-byes and no one is ever truly ready for that. I have since come across a book that I simply cannot recommend enough:
The Etiquette Of Illness: What To Say When You Can't Find The Words
http://www.amazon.com/Etiquette-Illness-What-When-Words/dp/1582343837/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1369661844&sr=1-1&keywords=etiquette+during+illness0 -
Absolutely without question NOT a secret.
Keeping it a secret doesn't spare anyone any pain. In fact it makes it 10x's worse.
I've lost people close to me suddenly, and slowly over time. My father passed 3 years 1 week ago and we knew it was going to happen when it did. At one point I would have been a devastated mess. Because of knowing it was coming, and the suffering he was dealing with it was so much easier to deal with.0 -
I think the truth will come out on it's own. He will have to go into the hospital at some point I'm sure, and your son (and others) will discover his illness. I just think he's sad enough about the whole thing and it's so difficult to deal with others' sadness as well, so soon after diagnosis.
Prayers to him, you and your family.0 -
Well if there is ever a time to be selfish it is probably in regards to your own death.
In my experience your Father is still at a point where he is dealing with all the weight of his own emotions and he just isn't ready yet for an onslaught of everybody else's grieving process. In cases like this death is not an event, it is a process. What he is saying and feeling now will likely change as time progresses. As much as possible, let him lead the way of how he is going to negotiate it.0 -
It could be that he is still sorting out his feelings himself and isn't ready for a zillion calls from everyone (and visits). He probably needs to come to terms internally before he is ready to share it with the rest of the family. I would honor his request and as time goes on, maybe you could ask him when he was planning on telling everyone else, or, if you could. I'm sure he will eventually.
Agreed 100%0 -
No. It should not. It's a very public event. He is being selfish. I would never adhere to his wish because it's stupid.
Thank you so much. Obviously, I can see that you read my post thoroughly. It is evident that you took a great deal of time to carefully construct your response in a thoughtful and sensitive manner. Your input is so appreciated. If the words a man chooses to express himself define him, you must be so proud.0 -
I thought i was prepared for when my parents passed( they both had very long illnesses). i truley believe that you can NEVER prepare for the death of a loved one. My heart goes out for your son and any person who deals with a death of a loved one0
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Maybe give your father in law a little time then perhaps have a chat him with regards to his grandson/your son. Perhaps explain that you do not wish to lie to your son which this feels like. In the meantime you will maybe need to decide what you can say to your son.
Sorry for your sad news.0 -
My mom was diagnosed with cancer 10 months ago. She didn't wan't to share it with people either. Unfortunately she was too sick to hide it from her direct family and colleagues. She didn't want any of her exes to know, or her 'old' best friends in Spain who she was still very close with.
I think being able to say goodbye to someone is so, so, so, sooo important. Knowing that she was going to die made it able for me to say everything I still wanted to say, hug her, kiss her, paint her nails, do her hair, buy her nice flowers. Those are all ways of saying you love someone and will miss them when they're gone.
There are two sides to this story. The people he will leave behind will benefit greatly from being able to say goodbye. It is very hard to KNOW someone you love is going to die. It is tiring, stressfull and you always feel like you're inadequate. HOWEVER; now my mom is gone (she passed 3 weeks ago), I can't believe how quick time passed and I look back and don't feel the burden anymore at all. I am so grateful for the time we had and that we were able to say our goodbyes. I was able to find some closure in that and it has helped me tremendously.
The other side of the story is that your dad might not WANT to deal with all the emotions, because it's too hard for him. My mom didn't want anyone to come and visit her anymore the last few weeks, and didn't want her brothers to know she was going to be euthanised (she chose thos option). We had to call them after she passed. It was her wish, and we respected that.
Edited to say my mom's ex husband didn't know either. She thought is wasn't any of his business.
I wish you all the luck, strenght and courage. You'll get through this.
So sorry about your Mom. I am glad you were able to say your goodbyes. Big hugs to you.0 -
I can only speak from my experience. I was diagnosed three years ago, although mine isn't considered terminal, its on the very cusp. A little more than 5-7 years ago, I would have been given less than two year life expectancy at best.
First thing I did was sit down and tell my brother, as I was in a long year of chemo, radiation, and surgeries. I wanted him to be the buffer of family and friends. Sounds like he might be giving you and your husband that role as well.
By far the hardest thing I ever had to do well tell my kids. They were just getting over the diagnosis two months before of my joint disease that doctors said I probably would cripple me. My feelings at the time was I had to tell them how much I loved them when I was still relatively healthy looking and not withered down in a hospital bed with tubes all in me and pain streaming from my face.
Personally, I think grandson should know. I lost my grandmother to cancer as she died at the same age I was diagnosed. I never got a chance to hear her, touch her, get to know who she was as a person.
I might add my father was sheltered from my grandmother's battle til the very last couple days & I think that scarred him for life. Not until recently has he opened up to me about anything about her, but with my ongoing battle, I think somehow he is getting closure through me.
The days are too precious at this point and I think grandpa and grandson need several of those moments that I never will have. To have some sort of peace and closure to many feelings this terrible disease causes. To be able to talk with 100% of their soul revealed. To sadly say I love you knowing that it could be the last time he hears it. I think in the end its for the best.
Sorry to hear the news, you will be in my thoughts and prayer.
~Lanny0 -
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I lost both my father and my older sister to cancer...in the same year...5 weeks apart from each other. First off, there was no way either one could have kept it secret. They had each chosen to fight it to some degree. You can't do that without family and friends knowing. Stage 4 is impossible to hide from anyone who knows you.
I would have been LIVID with anger had either tried to hide it from me. In my opinion, going to your own death alone and in private is selfish. The person dying doesn't want to see the pain others are going through when faced with the prospect of losing the dying person. In doing that though, it only makes the pain and anger worse for those people after the person has passed. They aren't stopping the pain from happening, they are delaying it until after they are gone so they don't have to deal with it.
From my side, by knowing, it gave me the opportunity to say what needed to be said, to clear any air that needed clearing, to express the depths of love and gratitude that needed to be expressed. It allowed for healthy closure on both sides. It allowed my dad and sister to know they were loved and respected as they faced their own passing.
I was at each if their sides as they passed. As painful and emotional as it was, I would not have traded that experience for "Your dad died. He didn't want you to know he was sick".0 -
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That is a tough one. I agree with some of the other comments, that perhaps you should talk with your father in law and let him know what you're thinking, especially as it relates to your son. I think I understand why he may not want a lot of people to know, at least not right now, because perhaps he doesn't want to be treated like he is dying, and instead he wants to be treated like he is 'normal'. But I also think he has put you in a very difficult and perhaps unfair situation, because if it gets out later that you and your husband knew and did not tell your son or the other siblings, it could cause some very hurt feelings that way as well.0
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I can only speak from my experience. I was diagnosed three years ago, although mine isn't considered terminal, its on the very cusp. A little more than 5-7 years ago, I would have been given less than two year life expectancy at best.
First thing I did was sit down and tell my brother, as I was in a long year of chemo, radiation, and surgeries. I wanted him to be the buffer of family and friends. Sounds like he might be giving you and your husband that role as well.
By far the hardest thing I ever had to do well tell my kids. They were just getting over the diagnosis two months before of my joint disease that doctors said I probably would cripple me. My feelings at the time was I had to tell them how much I loved them when I was still relatively healthy looking and not withered down in a hospital bed with tubes all in me and pain streaming from my face.
Personally, I think grandson should know. I lost my grandmother to cancer as she died at the same age I was diagnosed. I never got a chance to hear her, touch her, get to know who she was as a person.
I might add my father was sheltered from my grandmother's battle til the very last couple days & I think that scarred him for life. Not until recently has he opened up to me about anything about her, but with my ongoing battle, I think somehow he is getting closure through me.
The days are too precious at this point and I think grandpa and grandson need several of those moments that I never will have. To have some sort of peace and closure to many feelings this terrible disease causes. To be able to talk with 100% of their soul revealed. To sadly say I love you knowing that it could be the last time he hears it. I think in the end its for the best.
Sorry to hear the news, you will be in my thoughts and prayer.
~Lanny
Thank you for sharing your story, it touches me.0 -
No. It should not. It's a very public event. He is being selfish. I would never adhere to his wish because it's stupid.
Ever been there? Just wondering what you are basing this on.
It's not a secret. It doesn't matter.
I guess I disagree with disrespecting his wish. I didn't agree with my mom either. I knew I was going to be the one who was going to have to tell her close friends that she had died when they didn't even know she was sick. However, it was SHE that was going die and I wanted to grant her every wish. Including respecting her decision. That doesn't mean I thought it was the best thing to do.I would never adhere to his wish because it's stupid.
Incorrect. YOU think it's stupid. I didn't agree with her decision, but that doesn't make it stupid. It's a personal choice. You can either respect it or not.0 -
I don't want to downplay your son's grief, but if anyone should know it's your husband's sisters. That's their father, and in all likelihood they need the lead time to work out any and whatever parent/child issue they may have in the time he has left, which is in addition to the grief of a parental death.0
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How someone decides to happen their death is their choice. It's no more selfish then someone being upset if someone doesn't tell you. I feel like it's their choice and you just have to live with decision they made to keep it a secret or not.0
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I'm currently fighting cancer myself (and uckily it looks like I'm winning) and I must say I can sympathise with how he feels.
I personally hate telling people. Both because I hate hurting them and because I really hate being pitied.
I was diagnosed the 24th of December. Got a phonecall 15 minutes before going home to celebrate christmas with my family. I kept it to myself for two days not wanting to ruin christmas for both my family and myself. These two dys also gave me the time to let the news sink in. After that I sat down with my family and told them.
My first instinct was also to keep it a secret but at the same time I realized that that was only a form of denial, running away from a harsh truth. Besides, being on chemo is something fairly visible.
If I was sure I'd survive and b able to keep it a secret I would, simply because I would have spared my loved ones a lot of pain and worries.
But if I were terminal I wouldn't, simply because saying goodbye is very important and through the choice of keeping it a secret I'd hurt my loved ones.
So give him some time and he might reconsider. Getting the news is not something you just accept in a moment's notice and he might just turn around. And if he doesn't sit down and express your concerns. You're going to have to respect his wishes in the end (I guess) but that doesn't mean it's not up for discussion.
I wish you the bes of luck in the times to come0 -
I was diagnosed the 24th of December. Got a phonecall 15 minutes before going home to celebrate christmas with my family. I kept it to myself for two days not wanting to ruin christmas for both my family and myself. These two dys also gave me the time to let the news sink in. After that I sat down with my family and told them.
Ohh sweety.. I'm so sorry for you!! Echt verschrikkelijk om het zo te horen vlak voor Kerst en om het dan te moeten verzwijgen voor je familie.. I can only imagine.
I am already SO, SO glad we are friends!!! 0
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