Should Death Be a Secret?
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I lost both my father and my older sister to cancer...in the same year...5 weeks apart from each other. First off, there was no way either one could have kept it secret. They had each chosen to fight it to some degree. You can't do that without family and friends knowing. Stage 4 is impossible to hide from anyone who knows you.
I would have been LIVID with anger had either tried to hide it from me. In my opinion, going to your own death alone and in private is selfish. The person dying doesn't want to see the pain others are going through when faced with the prospect of losing the dying person. In doing that though, it only makes the pain and anger worse for those people after the person has passed. They aren't stopping the pain from happening, they are delaying it until after they are gone so they don't have to deal with it.
From my side, by knowing, it gave me the opportunity to say what needed to be said, to clear any air that needed clearing, to express the depths of love and gratitude that needed to be expressed. It allowed for healthy closure on both sides. It allowed my dad and sister to know they were loved and respected as they faced their own passing.
I was at each if their sides as they passed. As painful and emotional as it was, I would not have traded that experience for "Your dad died. He didn't want you to know he was sick".0 -
That is a tough one. I agree with some of the other comments, that perhaps you should talk with your father in law and let him know what you're thinking, especially as it relates to your son. I think I understand why he may not want a lot of people to know, at least not right now, because perhaps he doesn't want to be treated like he is dying, and instead he wants to be treated like he is 'normal'. But I also think he has put you in a very difficult and perhaps unfair situation, because if it gets out later that you and your husband knew and did not tell your son or the other siblings, it could cause some very hurt feelings that way as well.0
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I can only speak from my experience. I was diagnosed three years ago, although mine isn't considered terminal, its on the very cusp. A little more than 5-7 years ago, I would have been given less than two year life expectancy at best.
First thing I did was sit down and tell my brother, as I was in a long year of chemo, radiation, and surgeries. I wanted him to be the buffer of family and friends. Sounds like he might be giving you and your husband that role as well.
By far the hardest thing I ever had to do well tell my kids. They were just getting over the diagnosis two months before of my joint disease that doctors said I probably would cripple me. My feelings at the time was I had to tell them how much I loved them when I was still relatively healthy looking and not withered down in a hospital bed with tubes all in me and pain streaming from my face.
Personally, I think grandson should know. I lost my grandmother to cancer as she died at the same age I was diagnosed. I never got a chance to hear her, touch her, get to know who she was as a person.
I might add my father was sheltered from my grandmother's battle til the very last couple days & I think that scarred him for life. Not until recently has he opened up to me about anything about her, but with my ongoing battle, I think somehow he is getting closure through me.
The days are too precious at this point and I think grandpa and grandson need several of those moments that I never will have. To have some sort of peace and closure to many feelings this terrible disease causes. To be able to talk with 100% of their soul revealed. To sadly say I love you knowing that it could be the last time he hears it. I think in the end its for the best.
Sorry to hear the news, you will be in my thoughts and prayer.
~Lanny
Thank you for sharing your story, it touches me.0 -
No. It should not. It's a very public event. He is being selfish. I would never adhere to his wish because it's stupid.
Ever been there? Just wondering what you are basing this on.
It's not a secret. It doesn't matter.
I guess I disagree with disrespecting his wish. I didn't agree with my mom either. I knew I was going to be the one who was going to have to tell her close friends that she had died when they didn't even know she was sick. However, it was SHE that was going die and I wanted to grant her every wish. Including respecting her decision. That doesn't mean I thought it was the best thing to do.I would never adhere to his wish because it's stupid.
Incorrect. YOU think it's stupid. I didn't agree with her decision, but that doesn't make it stupid. It's a personal choice. You can either respect it or not.0 -
I don't want to downplay your son's grief, but if anyone should know it's your husband's sisters. That's their father, and in all likelihood they need the lead time to work out any and whatever parent/child issue they may have in the time he has left, which is in addition to the grief of a parental death.0
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How someone decides to happen their death is their choice. It's no more selfish then someone being upset if someone doesn't tell you. I feel like it's their choice and you just have to live with decision they made to keep it a secret or not.0
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I'm currently fighting cancer myself (and uckily it looks like I'm winning) and I must say I can sympathise with how he feels.
I personally hate telling people. Both because I hate hurting them and because I really hate being pitied.
I was diagnosed the 24th of December. Got a phonecall 15 minutes before going home to celebrate christmas with my family. I kept it to myself for two days not wanting to ruin christmas for both my family and myself. These two dys also gave me the time to let the news sink in. After that I sat down with my family and told them.
My first instinct was also to keep it a secret but at the same time I realized that that was only a form of denial, running away from a harsh truth. Besides, being on chemo is something fairly visible.
If I was sure I'd survive and b able to keep it a secret I would, simply because I would have spared my loved ones a lot of pain and worries.
But if I were terminal I wouldn't, simply because saying goodbye is very important and through the choice of keeping it a secret I'd hurt my loved ones.
So give him some time and he might reconsider. Getting the news is not something you just accept in a moment's notice and he might just turn around. And if he doesn't sit down and express your concerns. You're going to have to respect his wishes in the end (I guess) but that doesn't mean it's not up for discussion.
I wish you the bes of luck in the times to come0 -
I was diagnosed the 24th of December. Got a phonecall 15 minutes before going home to celebrate christmas with my family. I kept it to myself for two days not wanting to ruin christmas for both my family and myself. These two dys also gave me the time to let the news sink in. After that I sat down with my family and told them.
Ohh sweety.. I'm so sorry for you!! Echt verschrikkelijk om het zo te horen vlak voor Kerst en om het dan te moeten verzwijgen voor je familie.. I can only imagine.
I am already SO, SO glad we are friends!!!
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I'm currently fighting cancer myself (and uckily it looks like I'm winning) and I must say I can sympathise with how he feels.
I personally hate telling people. Both because I hate hurting them and because I really hate being pitied.
I was diagnosed the 24th of December. Got a phonecall 15 minutes before going home to celebrate christmas with my family. I kept it to myself for two days not wanting to ruin christmas for both my family and myself. These two dys also gave me the time to let the news sink in. After that I sat down with my family and told them.
My first instinct was also to keep it a secret but at the same time I realized that that was only a form of denial, running away from a harsh truth. Besides, being on chemo is something fairly visible.
If I was sure I'd survive and b able to keep it a secret I would, simply because I would have spared my loved ones a lot of pain and worries.
But if I were terminal I wouldn't, simply because saying goodbye is very important and through the choice of keeping it a secret I'd hurt my loved ones.
So give him some time and he might reconsider. Getting the news is not something you just accept in a moment's notice and he might just turn around. And if he doesn't sit down and express your concerns. You're going to have to respect his wishes in the end (I guess) but that doesn't mean it's not up for discussion.
I wish you the bes of luck in the times to come
Oh my, I cannot imagine how difficult this must be for your parents. It really hits me because you are only a couple years older than my son. I see on your profile you are currently in remission and going for a final round of treatment soon. May you continue to heal and be strong!~ Thank you for your input.0 -
I don't want to downplay your son's grief, but if anyone should know it's your husband's sisters. That's their father, and in all likelihood they need the lead time to work out any and whatever parent/child issue they may have in the time he has left, which is in addition to the grief of a parental death.
I only used my son as example, but yes, I wish his sisters knew too. There have been issues over the years, but this could be a fine time to resolve them.0 -
I'm currently fighting cancer myself (and uckily it looks like I'm winning) and I must say I can sympathise with how he feels.
I personally hate telling people. Both because I hate hurting them and because I really hate being pitied.
I was diagnosed the 24th of December. Got a phonecall 15 minutes before going home to celebrate christmas with my family. I kept it to myself for two days not wanting to ruin christmas for both my family and myself. These two dys also gave me the time to let the news sink in. After that I sat down with my family and told them.
My first instinct was also to keep it a secret but at the same time I realized that that was only a form of denial, running away from a harsh truth. Besides, being on chemo is something fairly visible.
If I was sure I'd survive and b able to keep it a secret I would, simply because I would have spared my loved ones a lot of pain and worries.
But if I were terminal I wouldn't, simply because saying goodbye is very important and through the choice of keeping it a secret I'd hurt my loved ones.
So give him some time and he might reconsider. Getting the news is not something you just accept in a moment's notice and he might just turn around. And if he doesn't sit down and express your concerns. You're going to have to respect his wishes in the end (I guess) but that doesn't mean it's not up for discussion.
I wish you the bes of luck in the times to come
Fist-pound...much love young man!0 -
My FIL concealed from us and everyone that he was dying. We did not know that he knew until after he passed. I wished he had told us, so we could have comforted him and maybe even had some last whoo-raaahs. However, I feel like it was his choice to decide. I do not in any way feel as though he was obligated to share that information with anyone.0
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We just found out my father in law has terminal cancer. He called to tell us, and so far the only ones who know are my husband & I, his wife and the doctors. He has asked us not to tell anyone else including his ex-wife, my husband's sisters and the grandchildren, etc
I have mixed feelings about this. While I believe he is trying to spare his loved ones a lot of pain, I'm not sure withholding this bad news is the best thing to do.
For example, my 21 yr old son is very close to his Grandpa. He is going to be hit hard by this. I wish he could know now so he can prepare himself and come to terms with it. On 4/19/2012 my son lost his best friend in a car accident. He visited his friend's grave every month on the 19th for the first year. It was a sudden loss and he was devastated. I know the pain of losing his Grandpa will be very, very hard, no matter what. A lot of us have been through that. But I think if he could know now, I believe it would help him.
We will definitely honor his request and not say anything, but I sure wish he'd change his mind. Maybe he's waiting for the "right time"? We'll see. But my impression was that he just doesn't want anyone to know until well, he goes.
What do you think? Should you tell everyone about a terminal illness or are there certain people you'd not tell?
Whether you should or shouldn't tell anyone/everyone about a terminal illness is an individual decision. Different people are going to have different perspectives. Neither one is right or wrong. But an individual's decision should be respected. It's not about anyone else but themselves. It's their life that's ending. They should be allowed to deal with it in whatever manner they choose, in whatever manner allows them to cope with the inevitable. It is not up to the one facing death to allow others the time to say what they wish or make their amends. Those things should have happened long ago. No one knows how long they have on this earth. If there are things left unsaid or grudges left held, those left behind have only themselves to blame.0 -
I don't want to downplay your son's grief, but if anyone should know it's your husband's sisters. That's their father, and in all likelihood they need the lead time to work out any and whatever parent/child issue they may have in the time he has left, which is in addition to the grief of a parental death.
I only used my son as example, but yes, I wish his sisters knew too. There have been issues over the years, but this could be a fine time to resolve them.
My brother & I weren't extremely tight as we moved into adulthood, got married, had kids. We just are different people.
I will say this from the day I told him, things have changed. Not just with him, the entire family has become closer.
I'll never forget while recovering from one of my major surgeries, he was the one sitting in the chair every day at the foot of my bed. The one that I could trust the most.
Perhaps your father-in-law will consider differently if he hears things like this...0 -
My FIL concealed from us and everyone that he was dying. We did not know that he knew until after he passed. I wished he had told us, so we could have comforted him and maybe even had some last whoo-raaahs. However, I feel like it was his choice to decide. I do not in any way feel as though he was obligated to share that information with anyone.
I think this may sum up how I feel fairly well. I guess his selfish desire to die the way he chooses trumps our selfish desire to comfort him and have a last whoo-rah with him. That's why that even though we don't agree with it, we are choosing to respect his wishes.
*Edit to add *selfish* desire to comfort him.0 -
I don't want to downplay your son's grief, but if anyone should know it's your husband's sisters. That's their father, and in all likelihood they need the lead time to work out any and whatever parent/child issue they may have in the time he has left, which is in addition to the grief of a parental death.
I only used my son as example, but yes, I wish his sisters knew too. There have been issues over the years, but this could be a fine time to resolve them.
My mom and grandma had a rocky relationship most of their lives, and had my grandma passed without warning, my mom would've had no peace with her feelings of inadequacy. But during the long goodbye of my grandma's dementia, they came to an understanding and forgiveness, and in the end, my mom received the gift of my grandma's lucidity (and fun, witty banter) and knowing she was loved the day before my grandma had a huge stroke. So, in my case, those extra moments truly counted.
I wish you and your family peace and strength during this difficult time0 -
Don't be, I'm extremely luckyOhh sweety.. I'm so sorry for you!!
Yeah I often think it's harder for them than it is for me, and they've been incredibly strong throughout this all. I'm really lucky with my parents. They're currently enjoying a well-deserved vacation in Spain. And thanksOh my, I cannot imagine how difficult this must be for your parents. It really hits me because you are only a couple years older than my son. I see on your profile you are currently in remission and going for a final round of treatment soon. May you continue to heal and be strong!
Right back 'atcha!Fist-pound...much love young man!
In a perfect world this would be true, but people are idiots and when someone's gone it'll very well might make them realise how pointless an argument can be.It is not up to the one facing death to allow others the time to say what they wish or make their amends. Those things should have happened long ago. No one knows how long they have on this earth. If there are things left unsaid or grudges left held, those left behind have only themselves to blame.
And I personally don't feel as though being seriously ill gives you some sort of free pass to do whatever you want and disregard others...0 -
Depending on when your father in law was diagnosed, he's likely going through some shock and denial himself. Depending on his condition, if you have a bit of time, give him some time to adjust to it himself
Like others have said, there will likely be physical cues that will prompt questions - it won't be a secret kept for long. :flowerforyou:0
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