Should Death Be a Secret?

I'm currently fighting cancer myself (and uckily it looks like I'm winning) and I must say I can sympathise with how he feels.
I personally hate telling people. Both because I hate hurting them and because I really hate being pitied.
I was diagnosed the 24th of December. Got a phonecall 15 minutes before going home to celebrate christmas with my family. I kept it to myself for two days not wanting to ruin christmas for both my family and myself. These two dys also gave me the time to let the news sink in. After that I sat down with my family and told them.
My first instinct was also to keep it a secret but at the same time I realized that that was only a form of denial, running away from a harsh truth. Besides, being on chemo is something fairly visible.
If I was sure I'd survive and b able to keep it a secret I would, simply because I would have spared my loved ones a lot of pain and worries.
But if I were terminal I wouldn't, simply because saying goodbye is very important and through the choice of keeping it a secret I'd hurt my loved ones.
So give him some time and he might reconsider. Getting the news is not something you just accept in a moment's notice and he might just turn around. And if he doesn't sit down and express your concerns. You're going to have to respect his wishes in the end (I guess) but that doesn't mean it's not up for discussion.
I wish you the bes of luck in the times to come

Fist-pound...much love young man!

We just found out my father in law has terminal cancer. He called to tell us, and so far the only ones who know are my husband & I, his wife and the doctors. He has asked us not to tell anyone else including his ex-wife, my husband's sisters and the grandchildren, etc

I have mixed feelings about this. While I believe he is trying to spare his loved ones a lot of pain, I'm not sure withholding this bad news is the best thing to do.

For example, my 21 yr old son is very close to his Grandpa. He is going to be hit hard by this. I wish he could know now so he can prepare himself and come to terms with it. On 4/19/2012 my son lost his best friend in a car accident. He visited his friend's grave every month on the 19th for the first year. It was a sudden loss and he was devastated. I know the pain of losing his Grandpa will be very, very hard, no matter what. A lot of us have been through that. But I think if he could know now, I believe it would help him.

We will definitely honor his request and not say anything, but I sure wish he'd change his mind. Maybe he's waiting for the "right time"? We'll see. But my impression was that he just doesn't want anyone to know until well, he goes.

What do you think? Should you tell everyone about a terminal illness or are there certain people you'd not tell?

Whether you should or shouldn't tell anyone/everyone about a terminal illness is an individual decision. Different people are going to have different perspectives. Neither one is right or wrong. But an individual's decision should be respected. It's not about anyone else but themselves. It's their life that's ending. They should be allowed to deal with it in whatever manner they choose, in whatever manner allows them to cope with the inevitable. It is not up to the one facing death to allow others the time to say what they wish or make their amends. Those things should have happened long ago. No one knows how long they have on this earth. If there are things left unsaid or grudges left held, those left behind have only themselves to blame.

Ohh sweety.. I'm so sorry for you!!

Don't be, I'm extremely lucky

Oh my, I cannot imagine how difficult this must be for your parents. It really hits me because you are only a couple years older than my son. I see on your profile you are currently in remission and going for a final round of treatment soon. May you continue to heal and be strong!

Yeah I often think it's harder for them than it is for me, and they've been incredibly strong throughout this all. I'm really lucky with my parents. They're currently enjoying a well-deserved vacation in Spain. And thanks

Fist-pound...much love young man!

Right back 'atcha!

It is not up to the one facing death to allow others the time to say what they wish or make their amends. Those things should have happened long ago. No one knows how long they have on this earth. If there are things left unsaid or grudges left held, those left behind have only themselves to blame.

In a perfect world this would be true, but people are idiots and when someone's gone it'll very well might make them realise how pointless an argument can be.
And I personally don't feel as though being seriously ill gives you some sort of free pass to do whatever you want and disregard others...

It could be that he is still sorting out his feelings himself and isn't ready for a zillion calls from everyone (and visits). He probably needs to come to terms internally before he is ready to share it with the rest of the family. I would honor his request and as time goes on, maybe you could ask him when he was planning on telling everyone else, or, if you could. I'm sure he will eventually.

This! This is how you should handle it.

One of my younger brothers died of brain cancer a few years ago. I miss him every day.

Maybe you could just hint to your son, like "you know your grandpa isn't getting any younger, you never know if this is the last chance you'll have to visit." And then you won't be telling him, but you'll be making it clear he needs to go spend some time with grandpa.

Well, I'm sorry to hear about the situation.

My opinion would be to honor his wishes. He has confided this in you, and in my opinion, it would be a wrong thing for you to spread the word without his consent.

I've gone through a couple of these in my life, and while it is definitely a terrible thing, it is still imperative to let the person come to their own understandings and own personal grieving. Once he is ready, he will most likely tell others, or "allow" it to be told. I'm sure he doesn't want alot of calls/questions at this stage and wants to wrap his head around what is happening.

I wish him and your family the best!

I'm currently fighting cancer myself (and uckily it looks like I'm winning) and I must say I can sympathise with how he feels.
I personally hate telling people. Both because I hate hurting them and because I really hate being pitied.
I was diagnosed the 24th of December. Got a phonecall 15 minutes before going home to celebrate christmas with my family. I kept it to myself for two days not wanting to ruin christmas for both my family and myself. These two dys also gave me the time to let the news sink in. After that I sat down with my family and told them.
My first instinct was also to keep it a secret but at the same time I realized that that was only a form of denial, running away from a harsh truth. Besides, being on chemo is something fairly visible.
If I was sure I'd survive and b able to keep it a secret I would, simply because I would have spared my loved ones a lot of pain and worries.
But if I were terminal I wouldn't, simply because saying goodbye is very important and through the choice of keeping it a secret I'd hurt my loved ones.
So give him some time and he might reconsider. Getting the news is not something you just accept in a moment's notice and he might just turn around. And if he doesn't sit down and express your concerns. You're going to have to respect his wishes in the end (I guess) but that doesn't mean it's not up for discussion.
I wish you the bes of luck in the times to come

My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family.

My FIL concealed from us and everyone that he was dying. We did not know that he knew until after he passed. I wished he had told us, so we could have comforted him and maybe even had some last whoo-raaahs. However, I feel like it was his choice to decide. I do not in any way feel as though he was obligated to share that information with anyone.

I think this may sum up how I feel fairly well. I guess his selfish desire to die the way he chooses trumps our selfish desire to comfort him and have a last whoo-rah with him. That's why that even though we don't agree with it, we are choosing to respect his wishes.

*Edit to add *selfish* desire to comfort him.

Glad you made that edit because in the end this is his life and possibly his passing and his choice for how he wants to be remembered. Respect what he wants hopefully as he comes to term with his own grief and mortality he will include more. In some ways I can see why he would choose to keep it a secret. It could be emotionally painful for him how do you say a life time of 'I'm sorries", "I love yous," and "Goodbyes" in the time that he may have left? Has he ever been a very emotional open person? I'm glad you are respecting him. Hopefully, he will open up before it's too late. There is really no way you can prepare for someone's passing anyways how ever it happens will be a shock and devastating. Many prayers to your family.

I would talk to him and ask why it's so important that no one know. I'd take the position that death is a natural thing and it doesn't have to be a dark secret. There's no reason you can't prepare for it as a family in a positive way - making a memory box for grandchildren, talking about his favorite parts of his life. I'd also explain that it's a great opportunity for his grandson to create some positive memories to associate with grandpa's death instead of just being shocked and saddened.

I do agree that his wishes should be respected, but I'd try to understand his reasoning and explain my own as best I could.

Im in split minds over this. I work in the care sector and have contact with death on at least a monthly basis, when i worked for the NHS, it was an hourly basis.

Family's and friends need time to grieve, to get their head around the concept that someone close to them who is a big part of their life, will sadly no longer be with them. On the other hand, death is also a private personal thing that the patient needs time to get their head around.


You may find, given some time that he will wish to share it... but dont be surprised if he dosnt, hes carrying his own guilt.

Before i get flamed, believe me people who know they havnt got long or are suffering from terminal illness's do carry alot of guilt, they feel they are letting their familys down by not being there for them any longer, no longer a pillar of their family. Some feel the guilt of being a burden on their familys because of their illness.


My father in law sadly passed away 3 years ago, my husband is still finding it hard to not have his dad around. His dad tried to keep his illness private from his kids for as long as he could, where as i was trying slowly to explain to my now husband how at the stage his father was, the signs wernt good.... Because of being told so long on, i think imo my husband found it harder, we didnt have long enough as a family to prepare for the loss.


As i said though, it is a private thing, all you can do is respect his wish's.

I've lost people suddenly, and after a long illness. Sudden is much worse for the survivors. Although I would, in general, adhere to the wishes of a dying man, I would tell my son. He is hardly an acquaintance and your father in law is not thinking of others at a time like this. I think it's your right to protect your son and keep him in the loop. Once the news settles in, they can have a talk and in years to come, this will mean the world to your son. A much better legacy for Grandpa too.