Should Death Be a Secret?

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  • 5ftnFun
    5ftnFun Posts: 948 Member
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    I want to thank everyone for your opinions, viewpoints and in some cases, very personal painful experiences you have had or are currently experiencing. Though I did not respond to each and every one of you individually, rest assured that I did read each and every comment.

    I have decided that I will wait a while to let my FIL absorb and come to terms with his illness. At some point, when the timing feels right, I will talk to him about sharing it with others. It may or may not change things, but we will see. I do think some of you are right in that his appearance, treatments, hospitalizations or whatever may force him to tell whether he wants to or not.

    Again, thanks everyone.
  • JuliaLee67
    JuliaLee67 Posts: 149
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    It could be that he is still sorting out his feelings himself and isn't ready for a zillion calls from everyone (and visits). He probably needs to come to terms internally before he is ready to share it with the rest of the family. I would honor his request and as time goes on, maybe you could ask him when he was planning on telling everyone else, or, if you could. I'm sure he will eventually.

    I agree with this.
  • bookworm_847
    bookworm_847 Posts: 1,903 Member
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    It could be that he is still sorting out his feelings himself and isn't ready for a zillion calls from everyone (and visits). He probably needs to come to terms internally before he is ready to share it with the rest of the family. I would honor his request and as time goes on, maybe you could ask him when he was planning on telling everyone else, or, if you could. I'm sure he will eventually.

    I agree with this. It makes a lot of sense.
  • dsjohndrow
    dsjohndrow Posts: 1,820 Member
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    Do as you are asked.
  • Simone_King
    Simone_King Posts: 467 Member
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    I lost my grandmother to cancer. She was able to visit us before she passed but still, I would want to know if a loved one is going to die.

    Even when my mother knew her mother was going to pass away it was still very hard for her to take..

    What hit me the most when my great grandmother passed suddenly and no one knew she did until the hospital called three days later to tell us. (no joke. o_o)

    Not us per say but closer family in Germany. I think someone called mom to let her know. Still, regardless any sort of loss is hard to take.

    I wish you well.
  • SoViLicious
    SoViLicious Posts: 2,633 Member
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    That is a tough burden. Respect his wishes, but it means lying to those you love, death affects us all. I think keeping I secret makes things worse.
  • janebshaw
    janebshaw Posts: 168
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    If I had a terminal disease, I would want only a few close friends to know about it. Otherwise, their knowing about it would effect the way I could interact with the people in my everyday life. I would want to maintain normal relationships with everyone and no sad faces or concerned looks unless things got to the point that my health deteriorated to the point I could no longer hide it. And if anyone I trusted the info to let the cat out of the bag, I would be very disappointed with them and never trust them again.

    And remember, no one your father-in-law chose not to tell needs to be aware of the fact that you knew.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    While I can understand how you feel, you have to respect the wishes of a dying man.
  • super_J73
    super_J73 Posts: 257 Member
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    I think it's the person's choice. Within 16 hours we found out my Mother in law had brain/lung cancer and she passed away. She didn't want us to watch her suffer, she lived 6 hours away. We were angry and felt guilty when she first passed away, but honestly, she was very brave and strong.
  • Kupe
    Kupe Posts: 758 Member
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    Bucket list. As the old adage gets opportunity only knocks but once. A sad as it is, here is an chance do things that he never had chance to do things with people who will remember the fun times they had with him. Also for him to enjoy what little time he has left and to make the most of it.

    My grandmother had pancreatic cancer and lived in denial until the day she died as opposed to enjoy her life and having fun.
  • WannaDizzolve
    WannaDizzolve Posts: 270 Member
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    I know that this is not going to be a popular response. It's his life and his death. Unless his heart gives out suddenly, his deterioration will become apparant. Then it'll be time to have a talk with your son. I'll bet your father in law changes his mind at that point. He's just not ready to be publically dying. He wants to live as normal a life as possible for the time he has left, right?

    Leave it alone for now.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
  • DatMurse
    DatMurse Posts: 1,501 Member
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    We just found out my father in law has terminal cancer. He called to tell us, and so far the only ones who know are my husband & I, his wife and the doctors. He has asked us not to tell anyone else including his ex-wife, my husband's sisters and the grandchildren, etc

    I have mixed feelings about this. While I believe he is trying to spare his loved ones a lot of pain, I'm not sure withholding this bad news is the best thing to do.

    For example, my 21 yr old son is very close to his Grandpa. He is going to be hit hard by this. I wish he could know now so he can prepare himself and come to terms with it. On 4/19/2012 my son lost his best friend in a car accident. He visited his friend's grave every month on the 19th for the first year. It was a sudden loss and he was devastated. I know the pain of losing his Grandpa will be very, very hard, no matter what. A lot of us have been through that. But I think if he could know now, I believe it would help him.

    We will definitely honor his request and not say anything, but I sure wish he'd change his mind. Maybe he's waiting for the "right time"? We'll see. But my impression was that he just doesn't want anyone to know until well, he goes.

    What do you think? Should you tell everyone about a terminal illness or are there certain people you'd not tell?

    He probably doesnt want anyone to treat him differently. It is up to him..
  • dieKriegerin77
    dieKriegerin77 Posts: 62
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    It could be that he is still sorting out his feelings himself and isn't ready for a zillion calls from everyone (and visits). He probably needs to come to terms internally before he is ready to share it with the rest of the family. I would honor his request and as time goes on, maybe you could ask him when he was planning on telling everyone else, or, if you could. I'm sure he will eventually.

    I agree with this post. Perhaps he just needs time to mentally prepare himself and adjust to this reality. This will help him appreciate the time he does have when he tells everyone else. For now, relishing the normal is probably very comforting.
  • cygnetpro
    cygnetpro Posts: 419 Member
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    Been there. I was diagnosed with a really severe cancer 3 years ago. I had to make a decision about privacy. Reasonably young, I have a ton of co-workers and friends. I decided that "monsters live in the dark", and that, for me, being a bit transparent about it was the right decision. It eliminated gossip and people making it seem worse than it was, with all of my appointments, missed work, and even a hospital bracelet on my arm for a month. We even did a "pool" at work guessing at the size of the tumor that was removed, with half of the proceeds going to cancer research. Being open and honest worked for me.

    But I do get it about your father in law. It's absolutely a person-by-person decision, and until you are in those shoes, it's impossible to know how you would handle it. My neighbor is struggling currently, and only he and his wife know (and me, since they know my history). He's a former pastor, and didn't want constant attention and wailing and gnashing of teeth by his former parishioners. Hard for me to totally understand, but like you, I respect his decision.

    I'm sorry that your father-in-law's passing will be hard on people, especially those who may be blindsided. But good for you for honoring his request. This is about him now, and no one else, really. He's in the fight of his life, and if this is what will help him focus (or whatever his motivation is), that's his decision. I'm sorry to all of you for having to deal with this, and wish you all the best.
  • allisonmrn
    allisonmrn Posts: 721 Member
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    I have plenty of experience with this as my Stepfather was recently diagnosed with Pancreatic CA. I have a 5 yr old, and there are several grandchildren of varying ages (3y/o-16). We told them in different ways, and at different times. I will say that the person that is ill, esp a parent/grandparent should have the rite to disclose their illness in their own time. (barring any safety concerns or if the child asks a direct question because of something they have heard). My daughter(5) thinks he has a "tummy ache" whereas the 12, and 16 yr old have finally been told the truth. IT IS VERY patient and family specific. What can the child handle?, what is the child's level of comprehension? Are their any biases involved?
    It would be important to analyze the situation, AS IT APPLIES TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY!!! There is no right or wrong, but the fact remains, YOU are the parent, but you DO NOT have the illness, and as such, you CAN control what you think is apprpriate for your child to hear, but you MAY NOT BE ABLE TO control the time in which it is appropriate to discuss it. As a nurse, I have seen a terminal/life threatening Diagnosis affect people in many different ways.BUT, If there is love in the family, you WILL find the way to navigate through it
    My dad did not want to discuss it at first, but now he openly does... Check out the levels of death and dying...they literally apply to many CHANGES we go through on a daily basis. There is a level of denial(no this cant happen to me), bargaining(well maybe if I just did this.....things would change), Anger(WHY is this happening to me??? Why not that jerk that did x, y, and z to me), depression(crap this is really happening,but why?? and why me??? wth???), and finally you come to Acceptance(ok, this is happening....how do I move forward)

    GOOD luck to you, love!! email me if you ever need anything!!
  • 5ftnFun
    5ftnFun Posts: 948 Member
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    An update. My father in law is now gradually letting everyone know about his illness. Our son called last night (he's taking summer classes at college) and was understandably upset. It's going to make studying a bit harder, no doubt, but we are glad that he is going to have time to absorb this bad news. He'll be coming home for a couple days next weekend, so we'll be able to talk with him more and let him get his feelings out. He had been planning to come home anyway, so the timing worked out. We've have not spoken to some of the other family members yet, but my guess is everyone knows now.

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