Fat girl shopping...

I have never enjoyed shopping like the "stereotypical" woman. I LOATHE shopping for clothing. LOATHE it. Why? Because I've always struggled with my weight. Even 70 pounds lighter than I am now, I hated it. Even when I was a size 10-12 and thought I was huge, I hated it. Nothing fit right. Post baby, 30 pounds heavier than before baby, 9 months after having the baby, I'm still wearing mostly maternity clothes. Especially pants... my post-baby belly is huge. I seriously look like I'm still pregnant. Ugh.

Until now, my pride has prevented me from buying larger regular clothes. All of my non-preggo clothing is a size 16 or less. And I can't squeeze into a regular size 16 at the moment (trust me, I've tried). So, today, I went shopping for regular clothing, for the first time since having the baby.

It still sucked. Even more so than before. Being unable to find barely anything in my size, much less ANYTHING I actually liked, I was seriously hit with the motivation I've been lacking for so long. While I was shopping, I looked at my beautiful 9-month old daughter sitting in the shopping cart, smiling at me and babbling about whatever babies tend to babble about when they are 9-months old, loving me to pieces regardless of my pant size, and thought... I can't be the fat mom. I want to be able to keep up with her by the time she can run around. I want to see her grow up and have babies of her own. I don't want her to be embarrassed of me because I'm the fat frumpy mom... I know that by the time she is a teenager, she'll probably be embarrassed of me no matter what, but I definitely don't want it to be because I'm fat. Lord knows I've been embarrassed enough by my fatness myself over the years. And I realized, for the bazillionth time, that I need to make MAJOR changes in my life. But I finally realized that I need to stop thinking and talking and planning the changes... and just start living the changes. I never thought a simple shopping trip would affect me so much.