Why do I need friends?
Warning: This is a whiny post, read at your discretion.
So lately, I feel like I need new friends. Not my acquaintances, not my co-workers... I mean the people I thought were my real, close friends. The kind of friends you'd do anything for, the kind of friends you hope will always be there for you. The people you want to be around often, and who want to be around you.
For months now-- almost a year, in fact-- I'll invite my friends to hang out over and over (not every day, mind you, but once or twice a week usually), and get rejected over and over. I pick them up to bring them to my place, often letting them spend the night, I feed them whenever they're over, I try to show them just how much they mean to me... and yet, it seems like they desire my company less and less. Their invites come fewer and farther apart, amid many excuses about being too busy / stressed / etc. They tell me that they want to hang out more, they tell me they value me as a friend... and yet, nothing ever really changes.
And what bothers me is how much it BOTHERS me. Why do I need social interaction with friends to feel happy? Why do I need to be in the presence of others, even if all we're doing is watching stupid YouTube videos together or playing a children's board game?
And lastly, why is it so difficult to establish strong friendships? These friends of mine are the remnants of my high school group, and we only remained in contact because we decided to live together for a few years. But I've literally had more success in recent months meeting people through Craigslist of all places, than simply being able to keep in touch with my so-called "friends". Why is that, I wonder...?
Edit: This post is quite whiny, but I'd like to point out that I am generally content with my life and do not find my friends to be the sole reason for happiness. I have a wonderful boyfriend, a loving family, and a job that I do not hate. I find ways to occupy my time and ways to make myself happy on a daily basis. However, it's been ages since I've been able to say I have plans with friends on a Saturday night... which is, in itself, pretty depressing!
TL;DR I suppose the reason why I posted this in the first place is because I'm curious as to what other activities can fulfill the psychological 'need' of social interaction with close friends, if there are any. Because I'm getting pretty fed up.
So lately, I feel like I need new friends. Not my acquaintances, not my co-workers... I mean the people I thought were my real, close friends. The kind of friends you'd do anything for, the kind of friends you hope will always be there for you. The people you want to be around often, and who want to be around you.
For months now-- almost a year, in fact-- I'll invite my friends to hang out over and over (not every day, mind you, but once or twice a week usually), and get rejected over and over. I pick them up to bring them to my place, often letting them spend the night, I feed them whenever they're over, I try to show them just how much they mean to me... and yet, it seems like they desire my company less and less. Their invites come fewer and farther apart, amid many excuses about being too busy / stressed / etc. They tell me that they want to hang out more, they tell me they value me as a friend... and yet, nothing ever really changes.
And what bothers me is how much it BOTHERS me. Why do I need social interaction with friends to feel happy? Why do I need to be in the presence of others, even if all we're doing is watching stupid YouTube videos together or playing a children's board game?
And lastly, why is it so difficult to establish strong friendships? These friends of mine are the remnants of my high school group, and we only remained in contact because we decided to live together for a few years. But I've literally had more success in recent months meeting people through Craigslist of all places, than simply being able to keep in touch with my so-called "friends". Why is that, I wonder...?
Edit: This post is quite whiny, but I'd like to point out that I am generally content with my life and do not find my friends to be the sole reason for happiness. I have a wonderful boyfriend, a loving family, and a job that I do not hate. I find ways to occupy my time and ways to make myself happy on a daily basis. However, it's been ages since I've been able to say I have plans with friends on a Saturday night... which is, in itself, pretty depressing!
TL;DR I suppose the reason why I posted this in the first place is because I'm curious as to what other activities can fulfill the psychological 'need' of social interaction with close friends, if there are any. Because I'm getting pretty fed up.
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Replies
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Sounds to me like you want to be "friends" more than those you consider to be "friends" do. You always initiate the contact? Why not stop doing that?0
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You sound like you put waaaay too much expectations on your friends and drive them off.
And I mean that in the best possible way.0 -
Sounds to me like you want to be "friends" more than those you consider to be "friends" do. You always initiate the contact? Why not stop doing that?
That's a fair point, but I have known these people for years, and when I moved out of state for a few months they kept telling me how sad they were that I moved and how much they missed me. That was a year ago, but I didn't think that the fondness would disappear so suddenly.
They have also told me they want me to initiate the contact because they would forget otherwise, but it seems like a pretty flimsy excuse to me.0 -
You sound like you put waaaay too much expectations on your friends and drive them off.
And I mean that in the best possible way.
I'm not trying to be rude at all when I ask this, but how is wanting to hang out once or twice a week putting "waaaaay too much expectations" on someone? It's not like I expect them to be available at any time of any day, but is it really too much to ask to be able to get together weekly, when you've been friends with someone for nearly ten years? And it's not like I'm expecting them to be available EVERY week.0 -
You don't sound whiney to me
Maybe you just need to find new friends. People change over the years and maybe you've just grown in a different direction than your old friends. Some new people who enjoy the things that you like to do may be just what you need 0 -
You stated that these friends are from high school. Maybe everyone is growing in different directions, or getting together feels forced or obligated rather than meaningful, even if it is unspoken. It sounds like you take the initiative with organizing bringing everyone together; and sometimes friends are more than willing to "go along" when someone else is doing the "work."0
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You don't sound whiney to me Maybe you just need to find new friends. People change over the years and maybe you've just grown in a different direction than your old friends. Some new people who enjoy the things that you like to do may be just what you need
Yeah, problem is, it's hard to meet people! I'm befriending my co-workers, but it's just not the same yet. I guess the reason I keep seeking out my old friends is that I don't feel the same level of comfort with my college friends, co-workers, or anyone else I've become friends with in recent years. And I mentioned it in the edit, but I'm almost just wondering if there's a "substitute" for best friends that I could do that would trigger the same brain chemical output so that I would feel satisfied
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Sounds to me like you want to be "friends" more than those you consider to be "friends" do. You always initiate the contact? Why not stop doing that?
That's a fair point, but I have known these people for years, and when I moved out of state for a few months they kept telling me how sad they were that I moved and how much they missed me. That was a year ago, but I didn't think that the fondness would disappear so suddenly.
They have also told me they want me to initiate the contact because they would forget otherwise, but it seems like a pretty flimsy excuse to me.
Relationships change....people start focusing on their own lives. Just because you "want" it to be the way it "was", doesn't mean it needs to be or should be that way. I would personally give them their space. You will know if some of them start to "miss" you, because they will contact you to find out "why"....
I think you are trying to hang on to a group of people that have their own priorities...it is okay to find new friends, and it is okay to forge new relationships.0 -
You stated that these friends are from high school. Maybe everyone is growing in different directions, or getting together feels forced or obligated rather than meaningful, even if it is unspoken. It sounds like you take the initiative with organizing bringing everyone together; and sometimes friends are more than willing to "go along" when someone else is doing the "work."
That's definitely true, and I've already "given up" several friends due to lack of initiative on their part and never wanting to be part of the group's activities, or even just wanting to hang out one on one. But a part of me feels guilty about that even today, like if I'd simply tried harder to reach out to them then maybe we would still be friends. And then the rest of me feels disgusted that I really need the validation of the friendship that much!! Lol.0 -
Sounds to me like you want to be "friends" more than those you consider to be "friends" do. You always initiate the contact? Why not stop doing that?
That's a fair point, but I have known these people for years, and when I moved out of state for a few months they kept telling me how sad they were that I moved and how much they missed me. That was a year ago, but I didn't think that the fondness would disappear so suddenly.
They have also told me they want me to initiate the contact because they would forget otherwise, but it seems like a pretty flimsy excuse to me.
Relationships change....people start focusing on their own lives. Just because you "want" it to be the way it "was", doesn't mean it needs to be or should be that way. I would personally give them their space. You will know if some of them start to "miss" you, because they will contact you to find out "why"....
I think you are trying to hang on to a group of people that have their own priorities...it is okay to find new friends, and it is okay to forge new relationships.
But the funny thing is, I used to avoid my friends altogether. For a long time, while we lived together, it was them practically dragging me kicking and screaming out of my room to go out with them. And the root of the post (which I didn't communicate well) is me trying to understand WHY it is that people need close friendships in the first place. If we kept people at arms' length, besides our families and SO's, life would be so much simpler. 0 -
I have the internet. I don't need friends.0
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I have the internet. I don't need friends.
See, I used to be like that. Literally. Even my relationship was only online. I miss those days sometimes...0 -
Sounds to me like you want to be "friends" more than those you consider to be "friends" do. You always initiate the contact? Why not stop doing that?
That's a fair point, but I have known these people for years, and when I moved out of state for a few months they kept telling me how sad they were that I moved and how much they missed me. That was a year ago, but I didn't think that the fondness would disappear so suddenly.
They have also told me they want me to initiate the contact because they would forget otherwise, but it seems like a pretty flimsy excuse to me.
Relationships change....people start focusing on their own lives. Just because you "want" it to be the way it "was", doesn't mean it needs to be or should be that way. I would personally give them their space. You will know if some of them start to "miss" you, because they will contact you to find out "why"....
I think you are trying to hang on to a group of people that have their own priorities...it is okay to find new friends, and it is okay to forge new relationships.
But the funny thing is, I used to avoid my friends altogether. For a long time, while we lived together, it was them practically dragging me kicking and screaming out of my room to go out with them. And the root of the post (which I didn't communicate well) is me trying to understand WHY it is that people need close friendships in the first place. If we kept people at arms' length, besides our families and SO's, life would be so much simpler.
Humans are social animals , and have varying degrees of desire for friendships outside of their blood tribe. Some people more, some people less. yeah, i suppose our lives would be simpler (in my case keeping family members at arms length :ohwell: ) with friends at arms length, but you grow and learn from one another.0 -
You already know why you need friends. You've posted about frustrations with your SO before. We need more than one other person usually because no one person can fulfill all needs all the time. You can't depend on anyone to take care of your needs on demand, so it helps to have a few options. Even with lots of people, at times, you'll have to depend on yourself, but that gets old all the time.
I had some of the best friends in high school. I'm only in regular contact with one of them. We've all changed our social circles, geographic locations, interests. It is too much to expect to get together weekly, in my opinion, especially as you get older and older. One dear friend I see once every few months. I wish I saw her more, but her life doesn't allow it. The only person I see every week is the person I live with.
If your old friends aren't hanging on to you, don't cling to them. Keep doing what you're doing, opening up your experiences with new people.0 -
I don't have friends. I wish I had at least 1-2 good friends. After high school I lost contact with pretty much everyone and I caught up with many on facebook but people change and grow apart. I try to make new friends but I am pretty socially awkward so other than hanging out once or twice that's it. I don't know how to have friends, lol.0
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You already know why you need friends. You've posted about frustrations with your SO before. We need more than one other person usually because no one person can fulfill all needs all the time. You can't depend on anyone to take care of your needs on demand, so it helps to have a few options. Even with lots of people, at times, you'll have to depend on yourself, but that gets old all the time.
I had some of the best friends in high school. I'm only in regular contact with one of them. We've all changed our social circles, geographic locations, interests. It is too much to expect to get together weekly, in my opinion, especially as you get older and older. One dear friend I see once every few months. I wish I saw her more, but her life doesn't allow it. The only person I see every week is the person I live with.
If your old friends aren't hanging on to you, don't cling to them. Keep doing what you're doing, opening up your experiences with new people.
Is it too much to expect when they literally live 15 minutes away from me?
I see the points you're making though, they're good ones. It's just frustrating when they seem to have time lately for everyone BUT me. And if the case is that they don't like me any more, I wish they would simply be honest about it rather than lying to my face. But I suppose that in and of itself is too much to expect from some!0 -
Is there the possibility that something has changed? Where you live? Roommates they don't like? Perhaps they don't like your boyfriend but don't want to tell you this?Do you always talk about the same thing? Do you always talk about dieting?
Making and keeping friends is a process and takes time.
Give it time. Do you always have your boyfriend with you when you see them? Do they have their significant other? Maybe one on one time may be appropriate. Just saying you might want to consider other factors.
I don't mean anything in a bad way. Breathe. Sometimes space is the best thing for friendships.0 -
I'll be your friend.
I'm lacking in that department lately.. Ever since I started seeing progress and success in myself with weight loss, it seemed that I started losing relationships along with pounds.
I don't understand it, honestly. I don't boast about my weight loss. Yeah, I will post about me being proud of myself, but I do that maybe once a month..
Who knows.
I hope you figure something out. It sucks to lose close friends, but sometimes that's just how life goes.0 -
Maybe try to pursue an interest that you can share with a group of friends, and then have other friends you share other interests in.
Try going to the Kendall County Fairgrounds on June 30. There's a classic car show called Gears and Ears (the cars are the Gears and roasted corn is the Ears). Maybe take a friend or meet some new friends. Enjoy some roasted corn on the cob fresh off the grill. If the weather is nice it sure is a nice place to just hang out and people watch.0 -
I'm an introvert. MFP forums is all I need for social interaction.0
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That's a pretty normal pattern for high school friends. Very few of those relationships stand the test of time. You'll see each other at reunions and reminisce about the "good old days" and promise to get together more often, but it just doesn't happen. I think it's because high school is what you had in common but once you've gone off to college, gotten married and had kids, there are less common threads between you.
Go out and find new friends. As you grow and evolve into your future self you will find those lifelong friends with whom you will share love, laughter, heartache and pain. It took me until I was 40 to find those friends but they were well worth the wait!0 -
You need to give these other social circles another chance. It's important to establish good social relationships with different circles then you won't end up relying on one group.
It doesn't sound like they are really pulling their weight and you should ensure you have other social circles to fall back on.0 -
I graduated high school a year ago and the only person i speak to from my school is my boyfriend of three years. haha. it's scary to cut people out of your life but sometimes it's what you need to grow. not that you necessarily need to cut them out, but think about what your friends and the people you associate with are doing for you.0
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Do what you love. I find that a lot of the things that I have to do are solitary. Then I discovered, I really enjoy disc golf. I have connected with a great bunch of folks and get some exercise to boot. Now I volunteer to water trees at the local course and play as often as I wish.0
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I actually don't have many real life friends because most people I meet disgust me with their selfishness, dishonesty, and lack of integrity.0
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You sound like you put waaaay too much expectations on your friends and drive them off.
And I mean that in the best possible way.
I'm not trying to be rude at all when I ask this, but how is wanting to hang out once or twice a week putting "waaaaay too much expectations" on someone? It's not like I expect them to be available at any time of any day, but is it really too much to ask to be able to get together weekly, when you've been friends with someone for nearly ten years? And it's not like I'm expecting them to be available EVERY week.
Actually, yeah it is too much to ask. I don't care if you live next door. My very best friend and I see each other in person maybe once every 4-6 weeks (maybe), unless there's something fancy happening. We talk on the phone all the time. But lives are busy. Work is busy, families are busy, and frankly, I'm exhausted most of the time (as is she). I love my BFF dearly, and have for 12 years or so. But if she wanted to get together just to "hang out" every week? That would become exhausting. We both live lives with families and obligations and little league and dance and Boy Scouts and brownies and hockey and who knows what else. Getting together to watch YouTube videos? That's a no.
Friendships take time. You've known these high school people forever and you've been through "everything" with them. Someone you met at work 2 months ago isn't going to have that same level of familiarity yet. Give it time. Make friends with the people you encounter in the life you're living now. Spend time with these people, share parts of your life with them. Give it time and they can become very good friends.0 -
I'm an introvert. MFP forums is all I need for social interaction.
^^^This is almost like me! I have learned to really know and love myself by being on here and it's allowing me to open up and do all sorts of new things. I used to not even like talking in social situations without drinking and now I can. Along my new journey I have met some real interesting nice people that I can talk to. I also joined meetup.com and started hiking with a group of really nice people. That was a big first, I no longer try to hold myself back from not trying new things and the friends that I had before they are pretty much gone, some live so close to me also. I use to feel a ways, that the only time I would see them would be when I went around, well I stopped going and they stopped coming and calling and I'm in a better place now. Taking care of myself and I have my husband he is a great friend and My peeps on fitness pal keep me motivated and feeling welcomed. Sorry for the long reply..I just feel that I know how you feel.0 -
You already know why you need friends. You've posted about frustrations with your SO before. We need more than one other person usually because no one person can fulfill all needs all the time. You can't depend on anyone to take care of your needs on demand, so it helps to have a few options. Even with lots of people, at times, you'll have to depend on yourself, but that gets old all the time.
I had some of the best friends in high school. I'm only in regular contact with one of them. We've all changed our social circles, geographic locations, interests. It is too much to expect to get together weekly, in my opinion, especially as you get older and older. One dear friend I see once every few months. I wish I saw her more, but her life doesn't allow it. The only person I see every week is the person I live with.
If your old friends aren't hanging on to you, don't cling to them. Keep doing what you're doing, opening up your experiences with new people.
Is it too much to expect when they literally live 15 minutes away from me?
I see the points you're making though, they're good ones. It's just frustrating when they seem to have time lately for everyone BUT me. And if the case is that they don't like me any more, I wish they would simply be honest about it rather than lying to my face. But I suppose that in and of itself is too much to expect from some!
how do you know they're lying and not just drifting? or if they are lying, maybe it's because it wasn't working out (as a group), for whatever reason? sounds like there was never an easy fit anyway, and now, like people have said, differences and shifts in priorities are stronger than whatever accidental bond was there*. you sound like you don't even like them, you just want them to like you.
that said, it hurts to feel excluded, for sure.
definitely pursue activities outside of work, much easier to meet new people that way. and there are always new people to meet, and changes in dynamics. every five years or so, i look at my circle of friends, and marvel at how much it's changed. (but then, i've moved around a lot too. even so, i suspect change is still pretty normal for people who stay in the same place forever, too.)
edit: we need friends because we're wired to be social.
*most high school friendships are accidental; can't help but choose from a limited pool. you meet people more like you when you do things that are more you0 -
Who knows why we need them, we just need social interaction and intimate friendships. I am a very social person and sometimes I will hang out with different people everday of the week, then feel sad and alone because I didn't have time to spend quality time with them because I had to run off to the next thing or the next person. For me, it's that there's so many awesome people out there, but so little time.
As for your friends, I would just say let it be. They may be legit busy or have legit excuses. My best friend and I haven't seen each other in about 2 months... and before that it was about 2 months- though we do talk on the phone pretty often. The most awesome thing is that it isn't work... She's not going to hold it over my head if I'm not able to go hang with her, and vice versa. Don't be that friend. I've had friends that I felt suffocated by- even if they only invited me to do something once a month or once a week.... because I knew they would get mad if I didn't go with them. Then it felt like a chore that I had to do.
Find other friends through work, the gym, your boyfriend's friend's girlfriends, and find excuses to get coffee with them. I seriously have too many friends from doing this. LOL0 -
I don't hang out with my friends as much as I used too, it doesn't bother me.
Just got older, had kids, got married, work a full time job. It's just not possible to party, hang, and be social all the time and still be able to function properly everyday.0
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