Why do I need friends?

Options
2»

Replies

  • conniemaxwell5
    conniemaxwell5 Posts: 943 Member
    Options
    That's a pretty normal pattern for high school friends. Very few of those relationships stand the test of time. You'll see each other at reunions and reminisce about the "good old days" and promise to get together more often, but it just doesn't happen. I think it's because high school is what you had in common but once you've gone off to college, gotten married and had kids, there are less common threads between you.

    Go out and find new friends. As you grow and evolve into your future self you will find those lifelong friends with whom you will share love, laughter, heartache and pain. It took me until I was 40 to find those friends but they were well worth the wait!
  • deadbeatsummer
    deadbeatsummer Posts: 537 Member
    Options
    You need to give these other social circles another chance. It's important to establish good social relationships with different circles then you won't end up relying on one group.

    It doesn't sound like they are really pulling their weight and you should ensure you have other social circles to fall back on.
  • martysa
    martysa Posts: 12 Member
    Options
    I graduated high school a year ago and the only person i speak to from my school is my boyfriend of three years. haha. it's scary to cut people out of your life but sometimes it's what you need to grow. not that you necessarily need to cut them out, but think about what your friends and the people you associate with are doing for you.
  • Lrdoflamancha
    Lrdoflamancha Posts: 1,280 Member
    Options
    Do what you love. I find that a lot of the things that I have to do are solitary. Then I discovered, I really enjoy disc golf. I have connected with a great bunch of folks and get some exercise to boot. Now I volunteer to water trees at the local course and play as often as I wish.
  • GnomeLove
    GnomeLove Posts: 379
    Options
    I actually don't have many real life friends because most people I meet disgust me with their selfishness, dishonesty, and lack of integrity.
  • Duck_Puddle
    Duck_Puddle Posts: 3,237 Member
    Options
    You sound like you put waaaay too much expectations on your friends and drive them off.


    And I mean that in the best possible way.

    I'm not trying to be rude at all when I ask this, but how is wanting to hang out once or twice a week putting "waaaaay too much expectations" on someone? It's not like I expect them to be available at any time of any day, but is it really too much to ask to be able to get together weekly, when you've been friends with someone for nearly ten years? And it's not like I'm expecting them to be available EVERY week.

    Actually, yeah it is too much to ask. I don't care if you live next door. My very best friend and I see each other in person maybe once every 4-6 weeks (maybe), unless there's something fancy happening. We talk on the phone all the time. But lives are busy. Work is busy, families are busy, and frankly, I'm exhausted most of the time (as is she). I love my BFF dearly, and have for 12 years or so. But if she wanted to get together just to "hang out" every week? That would become exhausting. We both live lives with families and obligations and little league and dance and Boy Scouts and brownies and hockey and who knows what else. Getting together to watch YouTube videos? That's a no.

    Friendships take time. You've known these high school people forever and you've been through "everything" with them. Someone you met at work 2 months ago isn't going to have that same level of familiarity yet. Give it time. Make friends with the people you encounter in the life you're living now. Spend time with these people, share parts of your life with them. Give it time and they can become very good friends.
  • Absonthebrain
    Absonthebrain Posts: 587 Member
    Options
    I'm an introvert. MFP forums is all I need for social interaction.

    ^^^This is almost like me! I have learned to really know and love myself by being on here and it's allowing me to open up and do all sorts of new things. I used to not even like talking in social situations without drinking and now I can. Along my new journey I have met some real interesting nice people that I can talk to. I also joined meetup.com and started hiking with a group of really nice people. That was a big first, I no longer try to hold myself back from not trying new things and the friends that I had before they are pretty much gone, some live so close to me also. I use to feel a ways, that the only time I would see them would be when I went around, well I stopped going and they stopped coming and calling and I'm in a better place now. Taking care of myself and I have my husband he is a great friend and My peeps on fitness pal keep me motivated and feeling welcomed. Sorry for the long reply..I just feel that I know how you feel.
  • anemoneprose
    anemoneprose Posts: 1,805 Member
    Options
    You already know why you need friends. You've posted about frustrations with your SO before. We need more than one other person usually because no one person can fulfill all needs all the time. You can't depend on anyone to take care of your needs on demand, so it helps to have a few options. Even with lots of people, at times, you'll have to depend on yourself, but that gets old all the time.

    I had some of the best friends in high school. I'm only in regular contact with one of them. We've all changed our social circles, geographic locations, interests. It is too much to expect to get together weekly, in my opinion, especially as you get older and older. One dear friend I see once every few months. I wish I saw her more, but her life doesn't allow it. The only person I see every week is the person I live with.

    If your old friends aren't hanging on to you, don't cling to them. Keep doing what you're doing, opening up your experiences with new people.

    Is it too much to expect when they literally live 15 minutes away from me? :tongue:

    I see the points you're making though, they're good ones. It's just frustrating when they seem to have time lately for everyone BUT me. And if the case is that they don't like me any more, I wish they would simply be honest about it rather than lying to my face. But I suppose that in and of itself is too much to expect from some!

    how do you know they're lying and not just drifting? or if they are lying, maybe it's because it wasn't working out (as a group), for whatever reason? sounds like there was never an easy fit anyway, and now, like people have said, differences and shifts in priorities are stronger than whatever accidental bond was there*. you sound like you don't even like them, you just want them to like you.

    that said, it hurts to feel excluded, for sure.

    definitely pursue activities outside of work, much easier to meet new people that way. and there are always new people to meet, and changes in dynamics. every five years or so, i look at my circle of friends, and marvel at how much it's changed. (but then, i've moved around a lot too. even so, i suspect change is still pretty normal for people who stay in the same place forever, too.)

    edit: we need friends because we're wired to be social.

    *most high school friendships are accidental; can't help but choose from a limited pool. you meet people more like you when you do things that are more you
  • breeshabebe
    breeshabebe Posts: 580
    Options
    Who knows why we need them, we just need social interaction and intimate friendships. I am a very social person and sometimes I will hang out with different people everday of the week, then feel sad and alone because I didn't have time to spend quality time with them because I had to run off to the next thing or the next person. For me, it's that there's so many awesome people out there, but so little time.

    As for your friends, I would just say let it be. They may be legit busy or have legit excuses. My best friend and I haven't seen each other in about 2 months... and before that it was about 2 months- though we do talk on the phone pretty often. The most awesome thing is that it isn't work... She's not going to hold it over my head if I'm not able to go hang with her, and vice versa. Don't be that friend. I've had friends that I felt suffocated by- even if they only invited me to do something once a month or once a week.... because I knew they would get mad if I didn't go with them. Then it felt like a chore that I had to do.

    Find other friends through work, the gym, your boyfriend's friend's girlfriends, and find excuses to get coffee with them. I seriously have too many friends from doing this. LOL
  • kimmie185
    kimmie185 Posts: 550 Member
    Options
    I don't hang out with my friends as much as I used too, it doesn't bother me.

    Just got older, had kids, got married, work a full time job. It's just not possible to party, hang, and be social all the time and still be able to function properly everyday.
  • 5ftnFun
    5ftnFun Posts: 948 Member
    Options
    Making a friend, a really good friend is difficult. That's why "they" (whoever "they" are :laugh: ) say that if you have 1-2 good close friends in your life, you are doing good.

    I don't know you, so if this doesn't apply, please ignore. But just make sure you aren't coming off as too needy or clingy. I have come across people who want friends so bad that they overdo it, and it makes me want to shy away from them.. Don't force it so much. If this is not you at all, then keep looking.

    Also, don't let people take advantage of you. One of my favorite quotes from Maya Angelou - "Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option."There should be a nice give and take in a relationship. If you are always giving, giving, giving, but never getting anything out of it, it may be time to draw back from that person.

    Anyway, just a couple thoughts from moi.

    ETA: in reading your post again & some of the comments: yeah, it's normal for friends you were once thisclose with to sometimes drift away due to changes in our lives. Love the suggestion from one to find an activity you love to meet to new people.
  • PoopieMonster
    PoopieMonster Posts: 295 Member
    Options
    Sounds like they don't really like you.

Categories