Home life is draining me...how to rise above it?
CandiQueen
Posts: 57
I have never really had a problem with motivation or support, but this is not the case right now. I only have about 10 lbs to lose but the bigger problems are my eating habits are horrendous!! If I keep this up, I don't know how much weight I will gain, but more importantly, I will be slowly killing myself:(
I am in a relationship that I hate, hate, hate! I can't leave because I have nowhere to go... I have no money whatsoever because I am at home taking care of a 4 month old baby and my 3 year old as well. I can't even get a part time job yet to get out of the house because I am breastfeeding and she will absolutely not take a bottle and I have tried everything! I am at my wits end with my boyfriend. I tried to be supportive of him because he has bi-polar 2 but he completely stopped taking all medication and won't go back to the doctor to try to help himself meanwhile his episodes are getting more aggressive and frequent. He is so mean and whenever I try to do something to for myself (I.e I was working towards becoming a vegetarian but he slammed me for it everyday to the point where I just gave up, even though I would like to start it up again) he says that he can't watch the kids for even an hour because he can't "handle" it so that I can go for a walk or do my workout video or even just have time for myself. I know that I can still work out with my babies, like I used to go for a walk with the stroller everyday or when my 4 month old went down for a nap I would do my workout video and let my 3 year old bounce around and pretend to do it with me...but its me, I have just lost all motivation.
I don't want to be fat, and I don't want to be unhealthy, but I don't see what the point is anymore. My boyfriend doesn't sleep with me anymore (we've slept together 3 or 4 times in the past year) and I am only 23! He is just super depressed and with all the aggression along with his generally surly attitude he is bringing me down. I don't want to be with him so badly and to the point where I don't know what to do. he has threatened me and my family if I were to move out and take the kids. I know he would never hurt the kids because they are his world but has threatened bodily harm to myself and my family on multiple occasions. I don't know if hes serious or not I just don't want to be part of this environment anymore.
I used to be so much healthier. I always had a bit of sugar addiction but was really working on kicking it and have never had any problems at all with staying active. I used to wake up at 5a.m every morning before classes and run for half an hour to an hour then I would walk to school and back 4 times a week, which is a 2 hour round trip walk...and would take the kids out all the time for outdoor activities and now I just have no motivation. So now that you have heard my story the big question is??
Where do you find motivation and support when you're surrounded by such negativity and emotional lashing? How can I rise above it all and be the person I want to be? Any emotional exercises or avoidance, diffusing techniques? I am willing to hear anything.
I am in a relationship that I hate, hate, hate! I can't leave because I have nowhere to go... I have no money whatsoever because I am at home taking care of a 4 month old baby and my 3 year old as well. I can't even get a part time job yet to get out of the house because I am breastfeeding and she will absolutely not take a bottle and I have tried everything! I am at my wits end with my boyfriend. I tried to be supportive of him because he has bi-polar 2 but he completely stopped taking all medication and won't go back to the doctor to try to help himself meanwhile his episodes are getting more aggressive and frequent. He is so mean and whenever I try to do something to for myself (I.e I was working towards becoming a vegetarian but he slammed me for it everyday to the point where I just gave up, even though I would like to start it up again) he says that he can't watch the kids for even an hour because he can't "handle" it so that I can go for a walk or do my workout video or even just have time for myself. I know that I can still work out with my babies, like I used to go for a walk with the stroller everyday or when my 4 month old went down for a nap I would do my workout video and let my 3 year old bounce around and pretend to do it with me...but its me, I have just lost all motivation.
I don't want to be fat, and I don't want to be unhealthy, but I don't see what the point is anymore. My boyfriend doesn't sleep with me anymore (we've slept together 3 or 4 times in the past year) and I am only 23! He is just super depressed and with all the aggression along with his generally surly attitude he is bringing me down. I don't want to be with him so badly and to the point where I don't know what to do. he has threatened me and my family if I were to move out and take the kids. I know he would never hurt the kids because they are his world but has threatened bodily harm to myself and my family on multiple occasions. I don't know if hes serious or not I just don't want to be part of this environment anymore.
I used to be so much healthier. I always had a bit of sugar addiction but was really working on kicking it and have never had any problems at all with staying active. I used to wake up at 5a.m every morning before classes and run for half an hour to an hour then I would walk to school and back 4 times a week, which is a 2 hour round trip walk...and would take the kids out all the time for outdoor activities and now I just have no motivation. So now that you have heard my story the big question is??
Where do you find motivation and support when you're surrounded by such negativity and emotional lashing? How can I rise above it all and be the person I want to be? Any emotional exercises or avoidance, diffusing techniques? I am willing to hear anything.
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Replies
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Candi,
You do have options. You say you can not go to work. You have 2 kids under 4. You need to go to work. I am sure there are Govt programs for a single mom of 2 to get back to work or school. You say you are in a hostile environment with a man who will not follow his doctors treatment.
You are responsible for placing yourself and your kids in harms way. Yes you made this choice. Getting rid of 10 pounds should be the last thing you are working on. You need a safe house (shelter) and help reentering the work force. Contact a shelter and get the hell out of your current lifestyle. Your baby daddy is NOT responsible because he is off meds. SO move out and move on.
Hard choice absolutely but it will not be easy living with yourself if the next blow up leads to you children being harmed. If you do not have a family who can take you in contact your law enforcement for a safe house. Your 3 mo old will learn to take a bottle and will never remember how she was fed anyway. You are a beautiful women and I am sure you are qualified to make a way for you and your kids. Please get out and move on.
hugs
Patsy0 -
Where do you find motivation and support when you're surrounded by such negativity and emotional lashing? How can I rise above it all and be the person I want to be? Any emotional exercises or avoidance, diffusing techniques? I am willing to hear anything.
I actually find that I am better about taking care of myself in this situation. Taking control, doing something that would make you feel so much better, can be great therapy in tough situations. Wrap your mind around the fact that this is something you can do for yourself.
(((Candi)))
I wish you much luck!!0 -
I couldn't agree more first thing you need to do is get out and there are places for families to go if they are in danger
If you choose to stay that is on you
For the bottle feeding like with any child if they are hungry enough they will take it so if you just stop giving the breast eventually the baby will take the bottle - Now you might have a crying spell for a bit and you will have to be strong to just wait it out but trust me when that baby is hungry enough it will take the bottle squeeze a little of the milk into its mouth and that should start the suckling procedure and the baby should realize it can get milk from the bottle
There are programs that will watch your children while you work - You could also try getting a job say at a nursery that include childcare as a benefit - Or you can start working at home I worked at home for 10 years now so it can be done - If your looking for a few at home jobs the best place with the most reliable information about which jobs are legit is www.workplacelikehome.com0 -
Where do you find motivation and support when you're surrounded by such negativity and emotional lashing? How can I rise above it all and be the person I want to be? Any emotional exercises or avoidance, diffusing techniques? I am willing to hear anything.
I actually find that I am better about taking care of myself in this situation. Taking control, doing something that would make you feel so much better, can be great therapy in tough situations. Wrap your mind around the fact that this is something you can do for yourself.
(((Candi)))
I wish you much luck!!
What?!? No. This situation isn't "great therapy". This sounds dangerous. He's been aggressive and has made threats and there are two tiny children involved. The hell with your ten pounds, get your children and yourself into a safe place. Call family, a friend, a shelter, law enforcement, someone and make a plan. Now. This is the priority. Period.0 -
Candi,
You do have options. You say you can not go to work. You have 2 kids under 4. You need to go to work. I am sure there are Govt programs for a single mom of 2 to get back to work or school. You say you are in a hostile environment with a man who will not follow his doctors treatment.
You are responsible for placing yourself and your kids in harms way. Yes you made this choice. Getting rid of 10 pounds should be the last thing you are working on. You need a safe house (shelter) and help reentering the work force. Contact a shelter and get the hell out of your current lifestyle. Your baby daddy is NOT responsible because he is off meds. SO move out and move on.
Hard choice absolutely but it will not be easy living with yourself if the next blow up leads to you children being harmed. If you do not have a family who can take you in contact your law enforcement for a safe house. Your 3 mo old will learn to take a bottle and will never remember how she was fed anyway. You are a beautiful women and I am sure you are qualified to make a way for you and your kids. Please get out and move on.
hugs
Patsy
I'm sorry...but I agree with this. Once you and your children are in a healthy place, then worry about those 10 lbs. He's threatening you...call the police. And find a shelter. This is why they have them. And you say he woudln't hurt the kids, but given what he doing...you don't know that for sure. Don't risk it.0 -
Bingo. There are *always* options. Even if it's a shelter for a little bit. Hugs. I've been there. It took guts for me to leave MY OWN HOME (he didn't even own a part of it) in order to get my life back together. It takes time and courage, and you've already displayed courage by confessing the problem to strangers here on the board.Candi,
You do have options. You say you can not go to work. You have 2 kids under 4. You need to go to work. I am sure there are Govt programs for a single mom of 2 to get back to work or school. You say you are in a hostile environment with a man who will not follow his doctors treatment.
You are responsible for placing yourself and your kids in harms way. Yes you made this choice. Getting rid of 10 pounds should be the last thing you are working on. You need a safe house (shelter) and help reentering the work force. Contact a shelter and get the hell out of your current lifestyle. Your baby daddy is NOT responsible because he is off meds. SO move out and move on.
Hard choice absolutely but it will not be easy living with yourself if the next blow up leads to you children being harmed. If you do not have a family who can take you in contact your law enforcement for a safe house. Your 3 mo old will learn to take a bottle and will never remember how she was fed anyway. You are a beautiful women and I am sure you are qualified to make a way for you and your kids. Please get out and move on.
hugs
Patsy
Protect yourself. Protect your children. Make the phone call that you need to make.0 -
You are in a dangerous and abusive situation. You need to get out of it as quickly as you can. Please find a women's shelter/safe house and take you and your children to it. They will have the resources you need to help you get back to work and back on your feet, but most importantly they will provide you with a safe environment for you and your children.0
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I was in an abusive relationship before my child and can't imagine it now with him. I'm the same age, and come from a disfunctional background. Let me tell you that if you allow the kids to grow up hearing daddy threaten mommy all the time, and view his chosen disfunction it will scar them. I am also bipolar and that is no excuse for him. Take care of yourself and your babies. Get to a shelter. It won't be easy. You'll have to sacrifice a lot, including time with your kids.
If you chose to stay, which may be hard for anyone who has never been on this type of relationship to understand, then you have to learn to stand up for yourself. If you want to be vegetarian then do it. He may bully you, but its your decision to make. You're an adult. If you can't get him to watch the kids during the day have him watch them when they're asleep. If he "can't handle" sleeping children then he's a liar. These kids can't be his world if he can't even bother to watch them. Again this is from a bipolar mom. Good luck doll. I know exactly how tough this is, and I really hope you find yourself a better situation soon.0 -
Candi -
I'm wishing you much luck and empowerment right now.
Wait until he is out of the house and call the non-emergency number for the police department.
Explain that you live with a diagnosed bi-polar man who is the father of your children and has gone off his meds. Explain that he is increasingly threatening.
The police can put you in touch with the right person at Social Services who can likely put you into a battered women's shelter. These shelters are a great place to get into a healthy mindset and get a plan together...while being SAFE. These are unmarked, secret homes. I know because my Mother served as a director for one for many years.
Do this now. You can get your things later. Trust me...the police will escort you when the time is right.
You get one life. You have two little other lives depending on you.
Take control!0 -
You need to leave. I was married to someone who had mental problems like that as well and it only gets worse. I recommend finding a battered woman's shelter that will take you and your kids. If he's bipolar, he might try coming after you once you leave and they'll know how to handle it. If you're scared right now, call the cops and they'll show up to make sure you can move out without him causing trouble. Just don't stay.0
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Find a shelter, friend or family member that you can go to and start over. Your baby is still young, but I am guessing the bottle problem is because it's you trying to give them to the baby. If someone else acclimates the baby to using a bottle it will go A LOT better! This will also help ensure that the baby will still nurse when home with you because you are that special person who only does that, no bottle feedings.
You can get through this.0 -
Hi Candy
Sounds like you and your children are in a bad place. Let your children be your motivation and do what you can, talk to trained professionals, doctors etc and try to get to a safe place. If you have family who will help, please phone them and ask for help. The 10 pounds are the least of your worries. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Please put yourself and your children first. I wish you all the best and please let us know how things go.
:flowerforyou:0 -
You need to decide do you want to stay with him or not. Seriously. Not just because you have no where else to go.
If you don't decide to either choose to make things better between him and you OR tell him you have decided you are going to leave, things will not get better.
And I understand all the bad things about him. I get all that. I'm sure more than 50% is his fault, but you did see something redeeming in him at one point. But, many people have relationships like yours. And some rise above it, some don't. But I know one thing won't help and that is sticking with him if you hate him and have already decided to leave when the time is right.0 -
You are in danger, he is going to only get more aggressive. I know you say his children are his life, but with a psych disorder which he is refusing treatment, he's at risk to lose it, and not even realize it. You never know what will set him off, or what his final straw is before he totally loses it. His thought process is not what yours and mine is.
You and your children are in harm's way and you need to get out.
Are your parents or family nearby, can you go to them? He has threatened to harm you and your family, which is grounds for a restraining order. If he comes around, call the police.
Your immediate goal needs to be to get you and your children to a safe environment.
In the meantime, DO NOT LEAVE THE CHILDREN ALONE WITH HIM. I am not trying to scare you, I'm being realistic. I work at a children's hospital, I have seen a lot, and I'm speaking out of genuine concern for you and your children.
Your safety is number 1.
You will be able to get a job, you will be able to make it on your own. I promise.0 -
You are in a dangerous and abusive situation. You need to get out of it as quickly as you can. Please find a women's shelter/safe house and take you and your children to it. They will have the resources you need to help you get back to work and back on your feet, but most importantly they will provide you with a safe environment for you and your children.
This.
Call your bf's doctor and let him know that your bf is off his meds and getting more aggressive.
Call the cops and file a report on the threats.
Call a therapist because you are going to need one.
And forget about the damn 10 lbs. NOT a priority right now.0 -
Forget about your 10 pounds for now. It sounds like a last ditch effort on your part to control some part of your life. Take your children and go to a shelter. It doesn't matter if it seems to be a drastic step. Sometimes you have be smart enough and strong enough to take those. Use your mentally ill and abusive boyfriend to your advantage.0
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Where do you find motivation and support when you're surrounded by such negativity and emotional lashing? How can I rise above it all and be the person I want to be? Any emotional exercises or avoidance, diffusing techniques? I am willing to hear anything.
I actually find that I am better about taking care of myself in this situation. Taking control, doing something that would make you feel so much better, can be great therapy in tough situations. Wrap your mind around the fact that this is something you can do for yourself.
(((Candi)))
I wish you much luck!!
What?!? No. This situation isn't "great therapy". This sounds dangerous. He's been aggressive and has made threats and there are two tiny children involved. The hell with your ten pounds, get your children and yourself into a safe place. Call family, a friend, a shelter, law enforcement, someone and make a plan. Now. This is the priority. Period.
yes i agree with the last comment. get the heck out.0 -
You need to leave. I was married to someone who had mental problems like that as well and it only gets worse. I recommend finding a battered woman's shelter that will take you and your kids. If he's bipolar, he might try coming after you once you leave and they'll know how to handle it. If you're scared right now, call the cops and they'll show up to make sure you can move out without him causing trouble. Just don't stay.
^ this. and this. ^
one threat against you and your family is one too many.0 -
Wait...what?
You're worried about 10 pounds when you live with a mentally ill crazy man who has threatened to harm you and your family??
WHAT?
OMG I have seen some bizarre posts on this site but this takes the cake.
Since you don't care about yourself (this is obvious) I'm not going to bother addressing your issues, but PLEASE get those kids to safety NOW. At once, do not tarry! Call the police and explain the situation and they will get your children to safety. Then you can go back to him if you want and suffer and worry about your ten pounds.0 -
Working for social services for years I will tell you that the most important thing is to protect yourself and your children who cannot protect themselves. I would suggest a friend/family member if you have any close. If not, I would look into a shelter as some have already suggested. Shelters can help you find jobs, therapy, etc. I would get those things in order and then worry about the extra weight. I know you said he would never hurt the children, but someone who has untreated mental health issues is not fully in control of their actions. We don't want to think they could ever hurt a child but believe me I've seen it happen so many times in my job. I'm not sure where you live but there are tons of places out there to help in situations like this and can offer support.0
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People like this are like happiness vampires...they don't like other people to be happy and they will try to suck it out of you. Trust me, I knew someone like this very personally. Could you perhaps get a double stroller? I have two kids and when they were younger they would go to bed around 8pm...can you just do your exercise after they are asleep for the night and your husband is home? When my husband was deployed that is how I did my workouts. During the day I would take a double stroller around the block a few times (they loved being outside seeing everything), and then at night I would put them to bed and do my elliptical when I was sure they were zonked out.
This person obviously needs some type of therapy or emotional help. You can try to be there for him if you think it is worth it, but it sounds like you are only hanging on for the kids or because of financial issues. You could get a job outside the home if you wanted it bad enough (freeze breast milk for the daycare)...it is really up to you. You create your own reality with your choices.
Do you have family you could ask for help or stay with until you got on your feet?0 -
I'm just going to be honest with you because that's what I do. It doesn't sound to me like you want to rise above your situation. Your OP is full of reasons why you can't do this and can't do that. You can do anything, but you won't until you make up your mind that there is no other choice. It won't be easy, but being an adult is just not an easy thing, especially when you have children and complicated relationships. Time to simplify. Get rid of the things that aren't making your life better, and focus your energy on the things that are.0
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My sister's husband threatened to kill her and all of her family if she left. She left, got a restraining order, and he has not shown up since. People use threats like that to control you, and you are letting him.0
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It's hard to understand another person's actions when you haven't lived a day in their life. I'm guessing her boyfriend is emotionally abusive and controlling and her weight loss is a part of her life that she has control over.
I'm thankful that she's reached out for some help, it was probably difficult.0 -
Where do you find motivation and support when you're surrounded by such negativity and emotional lashing? How can I rise above it all and be the person I want to be? Any emotional exercises or avoidance, diffusing techniques? I am willing to hear anything.
I actually find that I am better about taking care of myself in this situation. Taking control, doing something that would make you feel so much better, can be great therapy in tough situations. Wrap your mind around the fact that this is something you can do for yourself.
(((Candi)))
I wish you much luck!!
What?!? No. This situation isn't "great therapy". This sounds dangerous. He's been aggressive and has made threats and there are two tiny children involved. The hell with your ten pounds, get your children and yourself into a safe place. Call family, a friend, a shelter, law enforcement, someone and make a plan. Now. This is the priority. Period.
Pardon me. But I did not say that this situation is great therapy. I answered the last paragraph, which is why I only quoted those few lines. In essence, just answering her question.0 -
If you say you can't, then you won't. Yes, it's cliche, but it is the truth.
His choices to be on his meds or not, are his choices and you can not control that. If you believe you can change him, you probably won't.
You life is full of choices - right now you are choosing what feels like the easiest because of many obstacles. Staying put is not the only choice though. Report his actions, behaviours and that he has stopped treating a medical condition which requires him to be medicated. Ask police/local charities/food banks to direct you and your children to a safe house. Make the choice to do what is best for you, and for those precious babies.0 -
Where do you find motivation and support when you're surrounded by such negativity and emotional lashing? How can I rise above it all and be the person I want to be? Any emotional exercises or avoidance, diffusing techniques? I am willing to hear anything.
I actually find that I am better about taking care of myself in this situation. Taking control, doing something that would make you feel so much better, can be great therapy in tough situations. Wrap your mind around the fact that this is something you can do for yourself.
(((Candi)))
I wish you much luck!!
What?!? No. This situation isn't "great therapy". This sounds dangerous. He's been aggressive and has made threats and there are two tiny children involved. The hell with your ten pounds, get your children and yourself into a safe place. Call family, a friend, a shelter, law enforcement, someone and make a plan. Now. This is the priority. Period.
Pardon me. But I did not say that this situation is great therapy. I answered the last paragraph, which is why I only quoted those few lines. In essence, just answering her question.
Yeah I know. And I thought ignoring the clearly more pressing issues wasn't the way to go at all.0 -
I agree with Patsy. The first thing that you need to worry about is getting your kids and yourself out of a potentially harmful situation. After you are in a less stressful environment the weight will most likely just come right off. Stress can have a big effect on your body.0
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If what you have written here is accurate, Candi, you need to follow the advice that everyone here has given you. Don't worry about the ten pounds right now. Focus on getting yourself and your children out of that situation. There should be programs somewhere in your area that can help you make a plan to leave him... and the police absolutely have to be told that there have been threats against you and your family. This has to be documented.
You haven't mentioned his family in this at all; does he speak to them? Do they realize he's off his meds? (They can probably tell when he is so perhaps he's avoiding them.) Can you enlist them at all to help you get him back on the meds while you formulate an exit strategy?
Above all, you need to get out of there. Call in favors from any friends or family members. Talk to someone you trust... if you have no close friends or family who can help, reach out to your OBGYN, or your local hospital, a counselor at a school you attended, or anyone who has connections to the kind of programs that can help women and families in danger.0 -
Just a general question, but why are so many pretty girls stuck w/ d-bags?0
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