How to deal with judgmental relatives?

I think everyone has these experiences to some extent. It's getting to the point with me where they are telling me to Stop losing weight because I look sick. I don't look sick. I've been fat my entire life and they just aren't used to seeing me at a relatively healthy weight. There will always be people who make comments. And sometimes, it's the ones we love. But, I try not to let it get to me. At the end of the day, I'm doing what is best for me, not for them. It's my happiness. I'm sure there are a TON of prettier, skinnier, smarter girls out there than me. I'm almost positive. But, I'm finally happy with Myself and that's all that matters.

I moved away too - across the country!

But since then, they have all followed me (over the course of 20 years) and I have become adept at ignoring the BS. Now it doesn't phase me. Occassionally, though, someone will say something that I take as nasty (even if they did not mean it that way - people are inconsiderate by accident a lot) I say something like "that hurts my feelings, so please do not say things like that to me anymore" or "I am doing this for me, not you, so your opinion can be kept to yourself unless it is supportive"

These people judge a woman's worth on how skinny she is and how impressive her man is.

Let that sink in a moment...

Now start being damned happy that you don't fit those ridiculous values! Why would you care what these dinosaurs think? You're YOU, which is a hell of a lot more impressive than being mr bigshot's arm candy.

Tell them very loudly that you're a lesbian and, on graduation, you'll be entering into a polyamorous wedding with nine other lesbians from across the world and living in a commune with your donor inseminated children as one big, happy, female only commune, as you'll all abort any male children.



That should shut them up for long enough to get your keys and drive off.

I too moved and limited my exposure to the TOXIC members of my family. It was the BEST decision I ever made!!!!

Tell them very loudly that you're a lesbian and, on graduation, you'll be entering into a polyamorous wedding with nine other lesbians from across the world and living in a commune with your donor inseminated children as one big, happy, female only commune, as you'll all abort any male children.



That should shut them up for long enough to get your keys and drive off.

Lol, this! You'd be giving everyone a great story to tell!

ignore them, shrug your shoulders, turn around and walk away.

these people want a response. don't give them what they want. if you respond, they'll know they got under your skin. if you don't respond, they'll be wondering what you know that they don't know.

I feel your pain - my grandparents did the same exact thing to me! My cousins were always favored and it drove me crazy, they went to better schools, got better grades, were thinner, and were better looking. Now that we are older we don't get together as often, which honestly helps me, but they still do it even through email! My advice and what has worked for me is just being proud for who I am and knowing that I am who I am and that is still amazing - and it's amazing for me, not to ever be compared to anyone else. Just as you are amazing for yourself in your own way, I know it sounds lame, but it's the truth!

I know they don't mean to be hurtful, but the things they do and say does. My grandpa does this every time I see him. He'll hug me then he'll poke my stomach or pinch my face and make a comment like "Still the same old softy" or "more to cushion the organs". My older cousins who are girls are all sticks, but they are pretty.

Respond with how his comments/actions make you feel. If you don't say anything to them they may not realize they are hurting you. Tell them you are on a road to become healthier and don't appreciate their hurtful and negative comments.

My grandma will go on and on about Sarah's new boyfriend, or just look how pretty Annie looks in her new dress. Then they'll ask me questions like "Why don't you have a boyfriend? Don't any of the boys talk to you at college? Such a shame, do you think you'll ever marry?"

Respond with... "I refuse to settle for someone" and "While in College I prefer to focus on my studies so I can get great grades and a great job when I'm done instead of spending my time talking to boys". Just explain that at this point in your life you are focusing on school and not boys and will not settle just to have a relationship. End it at that and tell them you don't appreciate their comments and will not be just sitting there listening to their comments from now on.

My grandparents play favorites among cousins, and let's just say I'm not one of them. I've never done anything wrong, I'm always polite, maybe I'm just not pretty enough or thin enough.

Do I just cast their judgments aside? How do you deal with relatives that have no filter?

I feel your pain with your grandparents. Mine hated me. My grandmother still does and she and I have had it out a few times because of her actions and comments. I refuse to go see her unless I have to because of how she is with me. My parents got divorced years ago and my grandparents never did like my mother. Because I am like my mother and not my father they do not like me. When my brother and I were kids we could both do the same thing... he would get rewarded and I would get yelled at. My grandmother was also not happy with me and had no shame in commenting when I moved out with my boyfriend (now husband) and she was always talking down to me that I worked in retail (it was a good retail job... a job that you needed to be trained for and I made great money and was happy with my job choice). I don't have the patience for someone who acts like she does (and by the sounds of it how your grandparents act) and I don't shy away from directly telling them. My grandmother also takes cracks at my weight every chance she can. She also openly told me I was doing nothing with my life (I am married, have gone to College, am going back to College in Sept, have worked a great job, have purchased my own car on my own and paid it off by myself in a shorter time than the loan was, been on my own, and my husband and I now own our own home... yet she never says anything to my brother who can't keep a relationship going, doesn't own a home or car, can't seem to understand he needs to pay rent, and can't hold a job)

I ultimately ended up telling my grandmother that if she didn't approve of my choices in life and didn't want to support me than I would be limiting if not eliminating my time with her. She now shuts her mouth (most of the time) when I see her. I'm sure my situation isn't like yours as my brother and I are the only grandchildren. My grandmother likes my husband more than me.

Should you choose to say something to them keep your cool and do not show anger. Confidently state what you need to say and walk away if possible. Don't allow them to see you hurt or angry.

Lose weight.

This is tough. First, like others have said, show up, give your great-grandmother some love, avoid those who hurt you and leave when you feel uncomforatable. Also tell those who hurt you that they did, calmly, don't make this occasion about you.

Second, realize that often family feel the need to INFORM you about what they think is lacking. In many cases this is done out of love/concern. It is filtered through their own beliefs and may be completely invalid for you. Separate these people from those who are just being plain nasty. (your grandfather sounds like he really does care)

And finally, you may be completly off base about how your family views you. After my dad died, my sisters and I had a great discussion about who was dad's favorite. We all had different opinions, so who knows, maybe there wasn't a favorite after all. (those favored cousins may feel much like you) On the other hand, the same discussion when my mother died had a completly different outcome, we all knew who her favorite was.

I agree that it sounds like they're pushing your buttons and looking for a reaction. Not sure how you usually react to these comments but I would come up with something smart or witty to say.

The idea of the lesbian commune is pretty hilarious but might be a bit over the top if you're not comfortable with the situation as it is. If you're anything like me, trying to go that far out of your shell will just make you all nervous and stammery and you'll blush like crazy and make the whole thing more weird and awkward. However, I really love the idea of a response that thisismeraw posted - something along the lines of "I haven't met the right person yet" or "I'm focusing on my studies right now".

As far as the weight comments, that's kind of tough because they may have a rude comeback no matter what you say... So I might just think about taking away his power in that case by making yourself the joke instead of letting him do it. If he starts to move to poke you, do a block and say "hey, no messing with my insulation, I need that!" or something to that affect (I'm not great at wit but you get the gist)

Seriously?!!! You're 17 yo, 5'2" and 115lbs. Stop caring so much about what people have to say about you.

:laugh: This is hilarious, in a good way.

My grandfather (bless his soul) would tell me growing up that I was a lover not an athlete. Perhaps he couldn't see well because my profile picture was from HS. I would say I was neither.

My grandmother (other side of the family) would poke my stomach and say "puttin' on a little weight there Dru-san." Then giggle to herself.

Father would tell me I need to get bigger shirts. Brothers ... well we all knock on each other


Bottom line for me, is that it never bothered me. I knew I was over weight, but I loved life. And that's not to say I don't love it now, I'm just at a different point in my life. Soon to be 33, I realized that I don't have the best genes and eventually I'm doomed (high blood pressure, cholesterol, diabetes and stoke all run in my family). And honestly, God's gonna bring me home when it's my time anyway. But while I'm here, I'll make the most of it. Training, at this point in my life makes me happy. It's also nice to hear my gma say that I'm looking better and my father to acknowledge the work I've put in :bigsmile:

It took until I was in my 30s to realize that just because someone was blood related did not mean you are in any way obligated to accept their toxic negativity. I've stopped communicating with some members of my family because of the way they made me feel. I wish I would have learned to do that at a much younger age and it would have saved me many years of tears and frustration. Once my children were older was when I realized that blood or not there are certain types of people I dont want around my kids.