Home life is draining me...how to rise above it?

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  • RobynLB83
    RobynLB83 Posts: 626 Member
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    The quiz that Cosmo should really have. Especially considering that 1 in 4 women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime, and it is the leading cause of injury for women 15 - 44. (These stats are for the U.S. I'm certain they are higher in other regions). This is the danger assessment used by law enforcement and other DV workers to determine the likelihood of your partner eventually killing you.

    http://www.dangerassessment.org/DA.aspx

    Threats are always to be taken seriously and they constitute domestic violence in and of themselves. Also, anyone interested can google workplace violence and domestic violence for the recent analysis of "spillover" violence from DV.
  • RobynLB83
    RobynLB83 Posts: 626 Member
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    He's got to go back to the doctor!!! Meds are so important with disorders like that, especially if he went off of them suddenly. I know this from experience, my husband did and he was like another person. It's scary to make an ultimatum like that but maybe if he thinks you'll leave him he'll get back on his meds and see a counselor.
    Otherwise move out! Move in with your family and get a restraining order if you truly are afraid that he'll hurt you.
    Another idea is maybe taking some self defense classes? Maybe there's a gym with a child center and you could do a free trial or something. You would be able to protect yourself and get your workout in while relieving some stress at the same time.
    My heart goes out to you, I'm so sorry! Sending hugs your way, stay strong and always remember you have to take care of you first so you can take care of your kids.

    Self defense classes are nearly useless in a DV situation. I box with men and women, and I'm pretty competitive, but if you put me against a man with no fight training but 30 lbs on me I guarantee he's going to win in a fight. Self-defense techniques might buy you an escape window during a random street attack, but it's not going to help you out much if your cornered in your home by an abusive partner. Moreover, then law enforcement has to determine the "dominant aggressor." They sometimes get it wrong. How'd you like to be attacked, defend yourself, call the police, and end up getting handcuffed and taken off to jail. I've seen it more than once.
  • CandiQueen
    CandiQueen Posts: 57
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    I would like to thank everyone for their support. I guess I wasn't thinking clearly and kept thinking it wasn't that bad. With all of your seeming to agree on what I should be doing though I decided to involve my dad and best friend and finally told them the full situation and they said they would support me and that I should leave.

    I guess I always knew I should leave I just didn't want to hurt him, but what does that matter if I am potentially putting myself, and more importantly, my children, in danger. I have decided to leave. I have wanted to for a long time and thanks to all your support and suggestions I realize that I was just making excuses why I shouldn't and am going to leave, and soon. I am contacting the police and going to get them to refer me to where I can get help and where I can go...

    I know the weight wasn't a big problem, I just wasn't aware of how big a problem I was living with was until i read back what I wrote and heard all of your comments. I just figured since I wasn't being physically abused that anyone I asked for help for would just laugh at me and tell me that my situation wasn't serious enough to warrant any help... so thank you for helping me to see the situation as it really is.
  • Danny_Boy13
    Danny_Boy13 Posts: 2,094 Member
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    I would like to thank everyone for their support. I guess I wasn't thinking clearly and kept thinking it wasn't that bad. With all of your seeming to agree on what I should be doing though I decided to involve my dad and best friend and finally told them the full situation and they said they would support me and that I should leave.

    I guess I always knew I should leave I just didn't want to hurt him, but what does that matter if I am potentially putting myself, and more importantly, my children, in danger. I have decided to leave. I have wanted to for a long time and thanks to all your support and suggestions I realize that I was just making excuses why I shouldn't and am going to leave, and soon. I am contacting the police and going to get them to refer me to where I can get help and where I can go...

    I know the weight wasn't a big problem, I just wasn't aware of how big a problem I was living with was until i read back what I wrote and heard all of your comments. I just figured since I wasn't being physically abused that anyone I asked for help for would just laugh at me and tell me that my situation wasn't serious enough to warrant any help... so thank you for helping me to see the situation as it really is.

    Best of luck to you. What you are going thru I would not wish upon my worst enemy but just know that there is help out there and your family and friends are willing to stand by you and back your play. Hopefully you can get the help and assistance that you need in this situation. Weight loss / healthy living is important but you and your childrens safety is more important. MFP will always be here so get that under control and get back to it in the future. :smile:
  • ChapinaGrande
    ChapinaGrande Posts: 289 Member
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    I would like to thank everyone for their support. I guess I wasn't thinking clearly and kept thinking it wasn't that bad. With all of your seeming to agree on what I should be doing though I decided to involve my dad and best friend and finally told them the full situation and they said they would support me and that I should leave.

    I guess I always knew I should leave I just didn't want to hurt him, but what does that matter if I am potentially putting myself, and more importantly, my children, in danger. I have decided to leave. I have wanted to for a long time and thanks to all your support and suggestions I realize that I was just making excuses why I shouldn't and am going to leave, and soon. I am contacting the police and going to get them to refer me to where I can get help and where I can go...

    I know the weight wasn't a big problem, I just wasn't aware of how big a problem I was living with was until i read back what I wrote and heard all of your comments. I just figured since I wasn't being physically abused that anyone I asked for help for would just laugh at me and tell me that my situation wasn't serious enough to warrant any help... so thank you for helping me to see the situation as it really is.

    Thank you for posting your decision. I'm so happy to hear this. I hope you will get the help you need from your family. I was in the same situation, just replace bipolar with alcoholic and the decision was HARD, but I did leave when the baby was 9 months old. If you're worried about your future, let me tell you mine. My ex never killed me or "made sure I'd never see the baby again," but he never helped her or was any kind of father to her and calls her once a month. I moved back in with my family for a while, then got my own cheap place to live while on public assistance for a while (there's a lot available), got therapy, and now, I have the job I've always dreamed of and a wonderful husband who treats my daughter as if she were biologically his. I am so much stronger now and I feel I've finally made it. I am so excited for you to feel the same way in your future as well.
  • Mel2626
    Mel2626 Posts: 342 Member
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    If he has Bipolar Disorder and is off his meds, he is literally not thinking straight and anything is possible~ ANYTHING! He is not safe and neither are you and the kids!! As you'e well aware, your last 10 lbs mean nothing in the grande scheme of things and perhaps thinking about your weight loss is your distraction from reality. Truth is, he needs to be under a doctor's care~ deciding on his own to go off meds is such a classic manic/depressive behavior. BUT if he is unstable, you are keeping yourself and the kids in danger. I hope you are all able to get the help you need~ him with his proper medication and guidance of a doctor and you and the kids to get into a safe environment.

    Edit: I see you have asked for help from family. I am soooooo darn happy that you're reaching out to them!!! Best of luck with everything!!!
  • CherylP67
    CherylP67 Posts: 772 Member
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    I would like to thank everyone for their support. I guess I wasn't thinking clearly and kept thinking it wasn't that bad. With all of your seeming to agree on what I should be doing though I decided to involve my dad and best friend and finally told them the full situation and they said they would support me and that I should leave.

    I guess I always knew I should leave I just didn't want to hurt him, but what does that matter if I am potentially putting myself, and more importantly, my children, in danger. I have decided to leave. I have wanted to for a long time and thanks to all your support and suggestions I realize that I was just making excuses why I shouldn't and am going to leave, and soon. I am contacting the police and going to get them to refer me to where I can get help and where I can go...

    I know the weight wasn't a big problem, I just wasn't aware of how big a problem I was living with was until i read back what I wrote and heard all of your comments. I just figured since I wasn't being physically abused that anyone I asked for help for would just laugh at me and tell me that my situation wasn't serious enough to warrant any help... so thank you for helping me to see the situation as it really is.

    Thank you for coming back and updating us, I've been thinking about you all day.
  • Filletsteak
    Filletsteak Posts: 85 Member
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    Well done on your decision; glad to hear your dad is there for you.

    I left my husband 23 years ago with an 8-month old baby and a suitcase - flew home the next day. Got the whole aggressive threats, kidnap threats etc so I spent time and money trying to protect my son. He never did anything. I was the strong one. Made it on my own. It was tough but knowing that my son was safe and happy kept me going. I'm in a great place now, with a wonderful man. My son is proud and happy.

    Stay strong and find someone (a professional) you can talk to about this.

    Good luck :smile:
  • HollisGrant
    HollisGrant Posts: 2,022 Member
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    Living with a mentally ill person who is not taking medicine and is abusive is extremely dangerous. If you think you are in harm's way, then you should take steps to leave and stay in a shelter for women and children. If you're not sure where those shelters are in your area, talk to a social worker or a church office. Find out how long the shelter will allow you to stay -- you can't stay there permanently.

    You can also sign up for public housing, but there's usually a waiting list. They base the price on your income. You should qualify for more benefits since you have two kids. Contact a social worker at your local government assistance office today. Good luck. Do you have any relatives who could take you in?

    Editing this to say I didn't read the update before I posted....glad to hear you contacted your dad and hopefully you will be able to move out and get some help.

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