I have it up to here...

mommy2maddox · June 2013

I am coming to terms with the fact that I am stuck in a rut. I'm stuck in life in general. I am a 34 year old wife and stay at home mom to a three and a half year old boy whom I love dearly. I have been out of work since October 2008 (went back to school full time until May 2010) and had my son in February 2010. I gained 80 pounds with that pregnancy. EIGHTY pounds. I was 115 before and I delivered at 194.

We recently relocated from Denver, CO to Phoenix, AZ. Both of my parents and my sister and her family are still home in Denver. My husband's family is in Chicago. We made this decision, not just because he was being transferred, but also because it gave us a fresh start on neutral territory to start focusing on our family. We've been here since January and I have made friends with a couple of other women with children but no friendship in real bloom just yet.

I have been on this weight loss/healthy lifestyle journey since about April 2010. I am starting to notice that I am in a cyclic downfall. Every few months I get in the groove and really go for the gusto. I eat clean and I exercise...for about two weeks tops. I notice that I just feel like crap after exercising the first few times. The day after...it's more than just being sore. I'm talking about within the first three days of exercising. I shake and feel nauseous and drained. I can only describe it as though I've been poisoned. I know that sounds ridiculous but it's the best way I can explain it. If I force myself to continue through this, I really gain the motivation and keep going strong for a good two weeks. But then, it all crashes down. Eating clean and cooking/prepping food becomes a chore. Facebook and the computer get in the way of getting off the couch. Eating out or snacking on crap foods during the day is how I get my calories. I wake up at 5am every day but I can't get going until at least 10am. My poor son is dealing with a very cranky, tired, and out of shape mom. I hate it. I hate myself for being so weak and for teaching my child poor habits and behavior. I have no patience and I take it out on my husband and son. I just sink until I literally find an excuse for all of my behavior. It has GOT TO STOP. I'm so angry with myself and I'm embarrassed that I can't seem to snap out of it. The days that I DO get out of the house or I do take a shower before 10am, I have an amazing amount of energy and I'm actually happy. It's getting over that hump every day of knowing I HAVE to do it. I just can't grasp it for some reason. My body and mind are seeming to work against my heart on a regular basis.

That being said, I am looking for friends and support and help. I am on FB far too often and, in fact, it is killing my marriage. I'm not sure why I feel the need to have 700+ friends that I haven't talked to in up to 16 years. It's almost like I'm looking for acceptance through Facebook and I feel pathetic. I know I'm not alone in this. I know several people do this on a regular basis but I also know it is not healthy for me. I become offended by some people's responses to my posts, I've been blocked by people that have taken things personally (when it never was), and I get jealous by several of these acquaintances. I have to break away.

So, here I am. I'm back on MFP and I really want to mean business. I want to show myself that I can lose this last 30 pounds. I want to feel better and learn to adapt to a new and healthier lifestyle. Not for a day. Not for a month. Not for a season. Forever. I need this. My husband needs this. My son needs this. I would love to be encouraged and cheered on and I would love to be a cheerleader for you. I just need that kick in the butt. And, from what I've seen, many of you are qualified to give that extra push. Because, truly, what I've seen from some of you is simply amazing.

ETA: A couple of the biggest things that have been dragging me down is that 1. I made it to 88 days on here and was logging in every day and then...BAM! just like that, I stopped and 2. I got into an argument with my husband last weekend because I wanted to purchase a HRM and he just starting saying things that really hurt. He was saying that HE'S spent thousands of dollars on my weight loss efforts and that he doesn't see how a HRM is going to help. He asked if I couldn't do it with a personal trainer (I lost 25 pounds with a personal trainer, btw) then how was this monitor going to help? He said that instead of buying yet another gimmick I should "just get it done. Just get it done, Adria". Sadly, yes, WE have spent money on a couple of trainers. BUT, I reminded him that the punching bag and stand in the garage are unused and he just HAD to have those. The other equipment (small weights and bands) were his idea, too. Needless to say, I didn't feel any support from him, yet again. Shockingly, he apologized the next morning. That NEVER happens. However, I still believe I need to find support from others that are going through this same journey.

Sorry this is so long. Thank you for reading if you made it this far.

lenatilde · June 2013

I hear you - feel free to add me if you like; I'm going through some challenges myself, but would love to support you where I can.
Take care. You can do this - promise.
xLT

frenziedfemaleX · June 2013

After noting your username and reading your first paragraph, I am going to make a suggestion.
Do not spend your money on weight loss or fitness gadgets or doodads!!! Take that money and use it to get yourself a babysitter.
Here is what I think you need to do. Find a neighbourhood mom or grandma and have them come to your home (you have to leave the house that way), for 1 hour a week. Take that hour and do something you would not normally do. Not necessarily fitness related. The first week I suggest going to a large book store, like Chapters, just walk around for a while, read some book covers, check out the knickknacks, no need to buy anything, just browse. You can do this alone without feeling awkward. The next wee you could do the same but hit up a home improvement store, or if it is nice out, find a park and go for a stroll. No worries about heart rates or calories, just for leisure. Arrange for that babysitter every week, in advance so that you can't cancel!
Why? Your rut is not physical.
I bet that your mood and energy level will improve on its own if you force yourself to get out, sans kid and hubby. You need to find that inner you again. You still have 167 hours a week to be mom and wife.

igypsy · June 2013

You need to be kind to yourself. Seriously. Hating yourself doesn't get you anywhere. Believe me, I've been trying that method for most of my life... and it just doesn't work. Hating yourself makes you project that negativity outwards to your family, it affects your relationships, it affects your weight loss/exercise attempts. I have started realising that the only way you can achieve your goals is if you BELIEVE that they are possible, and to do that you need to love yourself. Because you DESERVE it.

I moved to a new country recently. I know some people here but on the whole I am quite isolated still. I am working from home for the first time in my life... and I love parts of it - I love the flexibility etc (I know you don't have that with a kid!) - but it also gives me way too much time to get caught up in my head, and I am not meeting new people this way... And too much time on Facebook - getting depressed looking at those damn skinny cows in bikinis on beaches in Thailand. It is obsessive, and so negative. I know it's hard... but remember that the stuff you see on FB is only what they want you to see. What's that quote? Something about how you're comparing your whole life (warts and all) to their highlight reel. These days everyone photoshops their pictures, Instagram makes everyone hotter, for some reason taking pouting self portraits of yourself and broadcasting them to the world is socially acceptable... i.e. when you are feeling negative about yourself and you go on FB then you are going to be bombarded with gorgeous model-types that will make you feel worse - and make you feel justified for not being kind to yourself.

I think you should identify how you spend your time and how it makes you feel, and then come up with steps to counteract those things... for instance, rather than looking at FB for hours - now I look through posts on MFP because it is filled with people going through the same stuff, they are showing their vulnerable side, you see success stories which inspire you to do better. It's more of a positive influence.

I second the idea of finding a way to get out of the house on your own more often.

Have you checked with a doctor re the problems you have with working out? Do you maybe go too hard too fast? Maybe you should try like a couch to 5k type program (or something to suit whatever level you're at) so that you start out really slow and gentle, easing your way up.

I'm sorry that it sounds like your husband wasn't as supportive as you needed... I obviously have no idea about your situation but I know that I complain to my husband about my body so often that he gets really annoyed about it. He hates when I put myself down - particularly if he's trying to give me a compliment and I have some negative retort back. It's a really bad habit I am in, and I am trying hard to rectify it. Your husband loves you - I think he needs you to love you too

Anyway... sorry for the long post, your story just really spoke to me. I'll add you

MissMormie · June 2013

Willpower is a limited resource. Reading from your story you're trying to change everything at once. From today you're going to be a workout-ninja-clean-eating-crazy-perfect women. But after making 50 good choices in 30 minutes your willpower just says "eff this". No wonder you falter after 2 weeks, you've completely worn out all your willpower for the next 2 months.

Make it easy on yourself, change one thing at a time. Add in exercise for 30 minutes 2 days a week. Sounds manageble right? That's cause it is. When you've been doing that for a few weeks change your breakfast to something healthier. When you're doing that on autopilot in the morning try and eat a healthier snack at night. And later maybe take out that snack completely. But make it SMALL steps and just a few goals at a time. Anything more than 3 small goals and you're bound not to make it.

This includes goals as using less facebook and stuff.

Sarah_L_S · June 2013

Sending friend request.

Suggestions:
- Make morning appointments (doctor etc) whenever possible so you are forced to get up and out early
- Take some time out from FB (I'm not on it, wouldn't have the time... so many friends waste too much time on it)
- Running after a 3 year old in the park would burn calories, so does a walk to the shops
- Eating 'clean' doesn't have to be a huge effort. Fresh fruit, veg are quick and easy. Eating highly processed cr@p all day will be making you feel 10x worse, and it has less nutritional value. Start slowly, cut out one bad thing at a time until the habits form

Chin up. You will get there, if you want to (I agree with your husband about the HRM - you just need to do some exercise now. If you start getting more athletic, then fine, treat yourself to the gadget. Save the money for now, and you can look forward to getting this as a reward.) :flowerforyou:

lambchoplewis · June 2013

You sound tired and worn out. I agree that you should spend the money on babysitter or a day camp/mother's day out activity. You need one hour to yourself a day to exercise. Just do one step at a time - one day at a time. Don't overdo exercise on the first few days or weeks or you will quit.

I get on MFP every morning, log my weight, food and exercise. I then read these posts to try to help others and get re-motivated myself.

I have moved a number of times and always feel alone until I just throw myself into activities. Not fun or easy but it is necessary for your mental health.

PosterPens · June 2013

if youre feelin ill when starting to eat healthier, it is just your body detoxing all the bad foods from your body. so push through that feeling for a few days, because it will subside and you will inevitably feel better.

EvgeniZyntx · June 2013

It seems that you are trying to do too much too quickly and fall into the gumption trap.

(See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gumption_trap)

There is no need to do massive amounts of exercise, eat clean, buy equipment to lose weight. Each of those can help in a variety of ways but if exercising is started too harshly then yes, you will feel like crap and if you feel like crap and it results in you stopping everything then it is counter-productive.

Build small positive habits that create change.

1) Identify your TDEE and eat at a small deficit.
2) Be consistent with your macros.

That's it. That is all that is needed for weight loss. Everything else CAN be useful but SHOULD NOT become a overwhelming barrier. To do those two first things you need to track your food, weigh it, preferably for accuracy.

Add exercise because it is healthy but only if and when it fills a desire and lifestyle - not as a whipping.

mazdauk · June 2013

Find something you want to do for you - I love zumba because its like a party with calories lost but no unhealthy snacks and wine to make you feel bad the next day!

But find something you enjoy so its not a chore.

As others have said, this seems like its bigger than a weightloss issue. You are generally fed up and feeling isolated by your move. Are there any mother and toddler groups you could join, or swimming pools nearby where you could teach your son to swim? Nice places you could go for a walk together and teach him about the flowers and trees (and not sit looking at the ironing you haven't done, the food waiting to be cooked etc.)? Or how about getting food at a farmer's market sometimes so you're choosing tasty, healthy things you want to cook (and eat), rather than throwing stuff into your trolley already feeling bad about what you're going to eat. Is there a pre-school your son could attend a few hours a week?

You definitely need to make time for you. And remember you can't change everything at once. feel free to friend me if I can help.

HollisGrant · June 2013

So many good suggestions. It sounds like you're isolated and depressed, plus addicted to the internet. Use it in the morning and then turn it off -- literally. Pull the plug out of the wall. Go outside. Connect with real people. Join a church if that fits in with your beliefs -- you will meet a lot of other mothers with kids. Check out the local YWCA for programs. Best of luck to you.

peachstategal · June 2013

It sounds like you are just plain bored with your life. Maybe you should go back to work so you would have to be up and about. My DIL has a 3 and 1 year old and has worked ever since each was born. I worked ever since my son was 2 months old. It makes you have to get up and get going. You have to do the housework and meals or they don't get done. Then you don't have time to be on the computer, etc.

Buddhasmiracle · June 2013

So many good suggestions. It sounds like you're isolated and depressed, plus addicted to the internet. Use it in the morning and then turn it off -- literally. Pull the plug out of the wall. Go outside. Connect with real people. Join a church if that fits in with your beliefs -- you will meet a lot of other mothers with kids. Check out the local YWCA for programs. Best of luck to you.

joining a local Y is a great idea. You'll meet new people, including young Moms like yourself. Many Y's have programs for toddlers and baby sitting. Finally, many people think it's corny or a waste of time, but volunteering really helps cure the blues. When you focus your skill and energy on others you realize how much you have and how fortunate you are.

chooriyah · June 2013

Aie, that sounds tough. I'm sorry that you are feeling so down. A lot of your struggles seem to stem from boredom, that I don't mean that in a dismissive way, because I really think boredom can be toxic. My suggestion would be to see if you can get a part time job, something that you can work around your schedule with your son. Not because I think there's anything wrong with being a stay at home mom at all, but because I think it could help with a lot of the things you talk about. Getting up in the morning, having a shower before 10, getting out of the house, having social contact so you don't need to spend time on facebook, and also having an income that you can call your own, so you can buy an HRM if you want to without necessarily having to ask permission from your husband. I know for myself that a huge part of my happiness and fulfilment in life comes from my work; all the other parts of my life suffer if that is not going well. Even a regular voluntary or charity commitment that you enjoy might make a big difference.

Good luck!

prattiger65 · June 2013

If I woke up in your shoes here is what I would do. A...I would start out with smaller, more realistic goals. Don't try to undo years of bad eating in a week. Don't restrict your diet, meaning eat whatever you LIKE, just eat in smaller portions. Don't forsake treats, they are good for your mental health. (Assuming it's not a trigger). Making healthier choice will come naturally as you progress, right now if you want a burger and fries, eat it, just make sure you log it and count it. B........Exercise is good for you and makes you feel better, but as far as weight loss goes, it's not a big factor. A calorie deficit causes weight loss, exercise just helps make the deficit larger. I'm not saying don't exercise, just don't kill yourself. C......As someone else said.....YOU HAVE GOT TO MAKE SOME TIME FOR YOU!!!!! Get out and do SOMETHING!. It's mental health time, and you need it TO BE A BETTER WIFE AND MOM. And last,I hate to say it but, your husband is right.......You don't need another gadget, eat a little less and move a little more. Don't over do it, Rome wasn't built in a day, the longest journey begins with a single step, and my favorite saying.....You eat an elephant one bite at a time. Hope this helps, add me if you want.

mrsfickle · June 2013

Here's my two cents (for what it's worth), I am a busy mom of 3, wife, and work part time. I strongly encourage you to try HIIT it really helps me! and the effects last 3 days! As far as diets, don't do it. I have paid for, tried, and/or done EVERYTHING to lose weight! The support I found on mfp, at home, and with a few friends locally in my situation has helped me! HIIT has 'reset' my metabolism. 21 minutes every 3-4 days a week. Good Luck!

pkw58 · June 2013

I think there are people like me who just have other things to do in life than dedicate 1 to 2 hours in the gym. I got my diet under control and did minimum exercises till I t got to goal .... I am now increasing my at home Wii Yoga or Barre3 (internet subscription) from to 10 to 30 minutes a day. I take walk breaks and aim for 3000 in Nike Fuel each day, but my minimum goal no matter what is 2000. Lots of people get fit, stay fit this way. The weight will not fall off in one month, but it can in one year easily! Just be as consistent as you can be in the crazy world of raising a child.

I find that making sure I got to bed at 9 pm and leaving bed 5 am each morning has helped my sleep immensely. You may not have this luxury with raising children. Sleep is important as my nutrition and activity levels.

That being said, I work 8-12 hours a day as a business consultant, and play french horn in my church orchestra and make time to enjoy life with my husband. Date night is important!

MissNordicLight · June 2013

Google 5-HTP, it did wonders for me.

ILiftHeavyAcrylics · June 2013

It seems that you are trying to do too much too quickly and fall into the gumption trap.

(See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gumption_trap)

There is no need to do massive amounts of exercise, eat clean, buy equipment to lose weight. Each of those can help in a variety of ways but if exercising is started too harshly then yes, you will feel like crap and if you feel like crap and it results in you stopping everything then it is counter-productive.

Build small positive habits that create change.

1) Identify your TDEE and eat at a small deficit.
2) Be consistent with your macros.

That's it. That is all that is needed for weight loss. Everything else CAN be useful but SHOULD NOT become a overwhelming barrier. To do those two first things you need to track your food, weigh it, preferably for accuracy.

Add exercise because it is healthy but only if and when it fills a desire and lifestyle - not as a whipping.

Yes yes yes to all of this.

ETA: if I tried to eat clean I wouldn't make it more than a couple of weeks either. Consider using an 80/20 approach-- 80% food that is nutrient dense and helps you meet your macros, 20% discretionary so you can have some ice cream or chocolate or whathaveyou.

swat1948 · June 2013

I know being a stay at home mom it's hard to get motivated. I was one for many years. However you need to set your priorities and stick to them. Tell your husband that an HRM is the only way to know what you are burning calorie wise. I bought one on Amazon and make sure it's one that counts calories. There are others that track steps and distance walked but mine does not have all those. Just tracks heart rate, time and calories. I use my ipod for distance. Good luck to you and if you would like add me.

auteurfille22 · June 2013

If you need support, feel free to add me. I"m having a really hard time staying motivated as well, and I think we could really help each other out. You can do this.

I have it up to here...

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