How do you deal with self esteem issues?
kkclif
Posts: 155 Member
Hey all,
This is my first post on here, so please be gentle.
So long story short, the other day my boyfriend let me use his laptop to search for vacations. When I went into google to type, his search history automatically popped up to reveal "sarah hyland hot" "halle berry hot" etc. you get it. I know guys do this, hell, I know even girls do this, but it seriously messed with my already low self-esteem. I can't help but think, "I look absolutely nothing like these women so how could he possibly find me attractive". I can seriously not get past it, and I hate it because it seems so silly right? I guess my question is, how (other than get the weight off) did you learn to embrace your body image? Has anyone else just felt sort of...unworthy sometimes? I want to add that I have been with my boyfriend for going on 7 years now. This isn't a trust issue or anything like that, I don't believe he is going to run off and cheat on me with emma stone. We are pretty happy together, but would be so much happier if I wasn't so insecure ALL THE TIME. I feel like sometimes the only thing that does get in the way is my insecurity. I really want to work on this, and I know getting the weight off is a good place to start, but as you all know this is a journey...and anything that can help me along the way would be awesome. Any tips or advice would be appreciated. Thanks for reading.
This is my first post on here, so please be gentle.
So long story short, the other day my boyfriend let me use his laptop to search for vacations. When I went into google to type, his search history automatically popped up to reveal "sarah hyland hot" "halle berry hot" etc. you get it. I know guys do this, hell, I know even girls do this, but it seriously messed with my already low self-esteem. I can't help but think, "I look absolutely nothing like these women so how could he possibly find me attractive". I can seriously not get past it, and I hate it because it seems so silly right? I guess my question is, how (other than get the weight off) did you learn to embrace your body image? Has anyone else just felt sort of...unworthy sometimes? I want to add that I have been with my boyfriend for going on 7 years now. This isn't a trust issue or anything like that, I don't believe he is going to run off and cheat on me with emma stone. We are pretty happy together, but would be so much happier if I wasn't so insecure ALL THE TIME. I feel like sometimes the only thing that does get in the way is my insecurity. I really want to work on this, and I know getting the weight off is a good place to start, but as you all know this is a journey...and anything that can help me along the way would be awesome. Any tips or advice would be appreciated. Thanks for reading.
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Replies
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I've been married going on 15 years in September and it's totally a guy thing. My husband and I pick about our "freebie lists" all the time. His contains Halle Berry, Jennifer Aniston, Angelina Jolie(mine has her too...lol), Jennifer Love Hewitt. Mine is Donnie Wahlberg, Shemar Moore, Tim McGraw. You get the idea. The point is he doesn't look like any of the guys and I for sure don't look like any of those women. I am still struggling with esteem issues but at 41, I'm finally starting to realize that even though I am 40 lbs overweight, I still look pretty good. I have great eyes that are an odd shade of gray blue and a nice smile. I dress well for my size and know how to hide what I want hidden. My husband has never said one bad thing about my weight gain and has always been physically attracted to me and shows me attention in public. I wore a size 4 when we got married and I'm in a 16 now so that's saying something for him. As he tells me, men are more visual creatures while we are more physical creatures. You have to find those things in you that you like and focus on those. It's so easy to look at all the things you can change without recognizing the good things. Learn to love yourself and you'll laugh that he's googling hot chicks. Because the truth is, he probably knows he'd never have a shot at them any more than I'd have a shot with Donnie or Shemar..lol. Hope this helps a little.0
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Those ladies are hot. So what? Sarah Hyland and Halle Berry look nothing alike either, and yet your boyfriend apparently finds them both attractive. Just because he looked at a picture of them online doesn't mean that he doesn't like you too.
As far has being more secure in yourself - that's not something that anyone else can give you. You have to learn it, practice it, and eventually you'll have it. I used to worry constantly about what other people thought of me, what I looked like, did anyone actually like me, etc. Eventually, I realized that I'm surrounded by a wonderful family who loves me and a handful of close friends who are always there for me - and that's more than enough. I don't need the adoration or approval of strangers or accquantances.0 -
Those ladies are hot. So what? Sarah Hyland and Halle Berry look nothing alike either, and yet your boyfriend apparently finds them both attractive. Just because he looked at a picture of them online doesn't mean that he doesn't like you too.
Yes. I know he likes me too. That isn't my issue.0 -
I've been married going on 15 years in September and it's totally a guy thing. My husband and I pick about our "freebie lists" all the time. His contains Halle Berry, Jennifer Aniston, Angelina Jolie(mine has her too...lol), Jennifer Love Hewitt. Mine is Donnie Wahlberg, Shemar Moore, Tim McGraw. You get the idea. The point is he doesn't look like any of the guys and I for sure don't look like any of those women. I am still struggling with esteem issues but at 41, I'm finally starting to realize that even though I am 40 lbs overweight, I still look pretty good. I have great eyes that are an odd shade of gray blue and a nice smile. I dress well for my size and know how to hide what I want hidden. My husband has never said one bad thing about my weight gain and has always been physically attracted to me and shows me attention in public. I wore a size 4 when we got married and I'm in a 16 now so that's saying something for him. As he tells me, men are more visual creatures while we are more physical creatures. You have to find those things in you that you like and focus on those. It's so easy to look at all the things you can change without recognizing the good things. Learn to love yourself and you'll laugh that he's googling hot chicks. Because the truth is, he probably knows he'd never have a shot at them any more than I'd have a shot with Donnie or Shemar..lol. Hope this helps a little.
That is exactly what I need to do is learn to love myself. I want to be able to laugh at it! I guess I just focus on everything I dislike about myself instead of what I do like and it just brings me down. Thanks for the reply.0 -
Those ladies are hot. So what? Sarah Hyland and Halle Berry look nothing alike either, and yet your boyfriend apparently finds them both attractive. Just because he looked at a picture of them online doesn't mean that he doesn't like you too.
Yes. I know he likes me too. That isn't my issue.
I was just addressing the contents of your post:but it seriously messed with my already low self-esteem. I can't help but think, "I look absolutely nothing like these women so how could he possibly find me attractive".
I'm sorry you're struggling with this - maybe it would help if you found someone to talk to? A counselor?0 -
He obviously loves you and accepts you the way you are. That's not the issue. You need to love and accept yourself as well. The thing to remember is that there is no sense in comparing yourself to anyone. The goal (in my opinion) is not to be better, faster, skinnier, stronger, etc... than anyone else, but to be MY best, to be faster than I used to be, stronger than I used to be.
It's about being YOUR best. Love yourself and it's far easier to accomplish the rest.
** I say all this now as I'm no longer a collegiate athlete, because you better believe that on the rugby pitch I wanted to be better than the world!!0 -
You can build your self-esteem if you accomplish some personal goals. They could be anything that make you feel good, from taking a class at a local college to planting a garden to running a marathon to volunteering for a charity. These things give you a sense of self-worth and accomplishment and get out of your head, hopefully. It's a life process for some of us. It's good that you recognize it.0
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Had a husband who looked... then looking turned to sampling... and then next thing I know, his mistresses are calling me to complain about him cheating on them. It was weird and horrifying and led to a 3-year+ nasty divorce. He wasn't the only reason we divorced, although his infidelity was a huge part. I couldn't get out of my depression (stemming from my second pregnancy) and he couldn't "fix" me. I hated myself and he felt it. I own part of what happened.
I've come a long way since then.
I'm remarried to a man who does not "shop" or "look." He's absolutely in love with me as I am now and is encouraging me to reach the goals I set for MYSELF and uses my momentum for his own motivation for his goals. I no longer hate myself because I see myself through God's eyes. Then my husband's eyes. Then mine. I'm hardest on myself. So if I keep that order, 2 out of 3 ain't bad, right?
Our identity shouldn't be wrapped up in what we look like, but reality is, we can't get away from it. So it's a matter of changing our thinking. My identity is wrapped up in my faith first and then the love for my husband and children second. It has made all the difference and I am much happier. Hope this helps. 0 -
First off, Sarah Hyland and Halle Berry don't even look like that. I'm sorry, but I am a firm believer that websites, mags, etc use photo shopping to make celebs look perfect.
Now with that being said, the only person who can make you feel "less than" is you. Your man looked at some "hot" ladies. I'm sure there are some men out there than you're like "DAMN, he's fine" when you see them. Focus on what you're trying to accomplish for you. Not your boyfriend and definitely not to compare yourself to other women. Stay positive.0 -
I felt a lot like you did before I started on MFP. I just felt so unhappy with my body and it was starting to affect my entire self image and self esteem. Once I started losing a little weight and changing how my body looks, that helped A LOT. I know I'm still not Kate Beckinsale (my husband's celebrity crush), but he doesn't care, and now, neither do I. I have a lot of work inside and out to do before I can say I'm not struggling as much with my issues, but things are definitely moving in the right direction. I also started going to therapy, and that's helping as well.
Like Crobl said, I don't compete with anyone anymore except myself. I'm always trying to push myself to be better, and that is helping with my motivation as well as helping with my self esteem.0 -
Those ladies are hot. So what? Sarah Hyland and Halle Berry look nothing alike either, and yet your boyfriend apparently finds them both attractive. Just because he looked at a picture of them online doesn't mean that he doesn't like you too.
Yes. I know he likes me too. That isn't my issue.
I was just addressing the contents of your post:but it seriously messed with my already low self-esteem. I can't help but think, "I look absolutely nothing like these women so how could he possibly find me attractive".
I'm sorry you're struggling with this - maybe it would help if you found someone to talk to? A counselor?
Sorry, I didn't see the bottom half of your post at first for some reason. A counselor might be a good idea. I have been so up and down with my weight loss the past few years that I think it's hard for me to just be comfortable with myself. In my mind, I don't look good unless I look like someone like Sarah Hyland..which I know is so messed up. I need to stop comparing and find what works for me, maybe counseling will help. Thanks for the advice ladies.0 -
How can your boyfriend like mac n' cheese from a restaurant when he already likes the mac n' cheese you make?!
Anyway, real answer to your question: I have never hated myself for shortcomings I felt I had with my body. I still don't. I see a problem, I fix it knowing I will end up looking better than I did before. --not like someone else-- You will never be Sarah or Halle. Hell, half the time, I bet they aren't themselves (photos are edited almost 100% of the time). They are just women like you. When they work out, they look killer - just like you. Stop hating yourself for not being there yet.0 -
what a small world. I walk with my friend through oak lawn 3 days a week, when its cold or rainy we walk at the Chicago ridge mall. just keep a positive attitude, nobody looks like the movie stars0
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I put a post like this up a few weeks ago.
I have major Self esteem issues. I am constantly jealous of how other women look, and even catch myself watching my husband when I see a pretty girl on TV, expecting him to look. Even though I was well aware that he loved me, my mind would get in the way, telling me that I'm not good enough, or not slim enough etc.
I completely agree with the internet searches, and whilst I know that my husband isn't going to cheat on me, it doesn't stop me from beating myself up about how I compare to other Women.
It got to the point where I would fall out with my husband over silly, trivial jealous things. Which I had fabricated in my mind. I nearly pushed him away. It was at that point that I felt I needed to change.
There is obviously something inside making you unhappy, and until those issues are address it won't be easy to stop these feelings you have. I started by completely confiding in my husband, explaining even the stupid things I was feeling and doing. It was such a weight off my shoulders.
Next I completely threw myself into weight loss, eating better, looking in the mirror more, and trying to compliment myself.
Your issues may not have been anywhere near as bad as mine, but I'm hopeful that loving yourself will give you the confidence you need to try and stop feeling so low about yourself.
Good luck, and feel free to friend me :flowerforyou:0 -
I struggle with this too. I know my husband loves me, but I sometimes can't help but feel that he'd love me more if I looked better. Once, I was upset for several days over a comment he made during the movie "From Dusk til Dawn". In it, Salma Hayek's head transforms into some monster thing and I jokingly said "she doesn't look so pretty now" and my husband responded "She's still doable". I feel like body is all that matters to guys, so my pretty face doesn't give me much comfort. It is upsetting because I will never look like her no matter what I do, and yet I felt when he made that comment that that is what I'm supposed to look like. I know it's not rational, but it doesn't make it any less painful.0
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I will say, that although guys like to look at women who seem perfect and sexy... they are not out of touch with what a REAL woman looks like. I guarantee you, he appreciates how you look even if you think you look nothing like them! (Just like I can appreciate me some hot men with their ripped abs and sexiness... but still appreciate how my man looks without the washboard abs and still think he's a very sexy man!)
I'm not completely satisfied with my body (hell, I don't know if I'll ever be... we're our own biggest critic, right?) BUT dammit, I've had 3 kids, and I've worked my little butt off taking care of them by myself. Often working 2 full time jobs and still managing to get them up in the mornings, take them to school, pick them up, make dinner, etc... THAT is what gives me my confidence. I am a damn good mother and I am a damn good girlfriend... and if anyone can't appreciate that, they can walk right on out of my life because I don't need them.
Have respect for yourself as a person, first. The body will come with time because guess what? Your body does not define who you are. Your man is not with you for your body. He's with you for the whole package and it must be a pretty good one, don't you think?
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Odd as this may sound but I don't have any self esteem issues I just know I need to lose weight.0
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I've been married 15 years in September to a man that loves me to the moon and back but he looks, just like I do. NOW I get where you are coming from and ITS so natural to think, well if he likes that - how could find this attractive ?? I struggle with self-esteem that way as well and even though I know he would do nothing, it is MY issue and what brought me to this site today
I think we need to get secure with ourselves where we dont "think" one thing or the other - Im not going to use the term "worry" b/c from the sounds of it, you dont worry about him cheating and I dont either.
The quicker we understand it has nothing to do with THEM and its US, I think we can all succeed in being happy with ourselves.
On a lighter note - those women are photo-shopped and all that crap !!!! They are your AVERAGE woman, kind of like Bradley Cooper is not your average man hahahaha
Love yourself and have a great day everyone !!0 -
I put a post like this up a few weeks ago.
I have major Self esteem issues. I am constantly jealous of how other women look, and even catch myself watching my husband when I see a pretty girl on TV, expecting him to look. Even though I was well aware that he loved me, my mind would get in the way, telling me that I'm not good enough, or not slim enough etc.
I completely agree with the internet searches, and whilst I know that my husband isn't going to cheat on me, it doesn't stop me from beating myself up about how I compare to other Women.
It got to the point where I would fall out with my husband over silly, trivial jealous things. Which I had fabricated in my mind. I nearly pushed him away. It was at that point that I felt I needed to change.
There is obviously something inside making you unhappy, and until those issues are address it won't be easy to stop these feelings you have. I started by completely confiding in my husband, explaining even the stupid things I was feeling and doing. It was such a weight off my shoulders.
Next I completely threw myself into weight loss, eating better, looking in the mirror more, and trying to compliment myself.
Your issues may not have been anywhere near as bad as mine, but I'm hopeful that loving yourself will give you the confidence you need to try and stop feeling so low about yourself.
Good luck, and feel free to friend me :flowerforyou:
I do the same thing when we watch things. Every time we watch Modern Family now I am going to have the image of him googling her bikini pics :laugh: and that iritates me that I feel that way because I totally don't want to. I have become more open with him. He even got me flowers the next day because he knew I wasn't acting myself. Part of me feels kind of bad that I have to put him through the same irritation I'm going through because he totally doesnt deserve it. I need to just focus on me and learn to love myself the way he does. Thanks0 -
Thank you for all the responses. I feel better than I have the last couple of days. You guys are awesome :flowerforyou:0
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Why are you insecure? Have you always been this way? My goodness, by your picture you sure don't look like you need to loose weight. But perhaps, the weight and insecurity go hand in hand. Think about it.0
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aw, you're young and i wish i had the answer for you because i remember that pain and angst. i don't know how or why but as you get older you just get more confident and less low self esteemy. it may come from the accomplishments or enjoyments you've had in life being nice to reflect on. it may come from digesting all these momen't of insecurity and then noticing it had more to do with them than me, but yeah it gets easier when you get older. at least for me it did. it may just be from little by little letting little things bother you less and having bigger fish to fry like mortgages, bills, kid raising, health preserving, etc. etc. etc.
For now just be young and think of the following. You know how you love your boyfriend but cannot turn away from a picture of that guy in the twilight movies or whatever it is you kids are into these days. It's just like that. But naked. Not a big difference really. The same touchy feely emotions you get from whatever celebrity crush you have are the same for him. But naked. Hope that makes sense. It sounds trite but I'm trying to be simple and clear.
You aren't going to leave him for twilight boy, he's not gonna leave you for emma whoever. It's just pictures, art, fantasy, entertainment.0 -
Why are you insecure? Have you always been this way? My goodness, by your picture you sure don't look like you need to loose weight. But perhaps, the weight and insecurity go hand in hand. Think about it.
lol thanks, but I am, in fact, considered overweight. Maybe that's part of it. Like, I look at a plus size model and think OMG they look like an average woman, but theyre considered "fat". It bothers me and I definitely think it takes a toll on how I view myself.0 -
Hope this doesn't sound silly but maybe find a counselor to talk to. You don't have to go all the time (I know in some areas they can be expensive) but even just a couple times a month. I say this because I did it and has really helped out! Having a neutral party to bounce ideas off and just listen can work wonders.
It has been so much easier for me to focus on weight loss when I know I feel good about myself and am not worried about how my husband does or does not think about me.0 -
As long as they look, but don't touch, there is nothing wrong with it. I will even point out "lookers" to my husband. My older sister told me many years ago, if they want someone else, let them go, you're better off without them. Hubbie & I have been together many years, with no infidelity problems.0
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Hey all,
This is my first post on here, so please be gentle.
So long story short, the other day my boyfriend let me use his laptop to search for vacations. When I went into google to type, his search history automatically popped up to reveal "sarah hyland hot" "halle berry hot" etc. you get it. I know guys do this, hell, I know even girls do this, but it seriously messed with my already low self-esteem. I can't help but think, "I look absolutely nothing like these women so how could he possibly find me attractive". I can seriously not get past it, and I hate it because it seems so silly right? I guess my question is, how (other than get the weight off) did you learn to embrace your body image? Has anyone else just felt sort of...unworthy sometimes? I want to add that I have been with my boyfriend for going on 7 years now. This isn't a trust issue or anything like that, I don't believe he is going to run off and cheat on me with emma stone. We are pretty happy together, but would be so much happier if I wasn't so insecure ALL THE TIME. I feel like sometimes the only thing that does get in the way is my insecurity. I really want to work on this, and I know getting the weight off is a good place to start, but as you all know this is a journey...and anything that can help me along the way would be awesome. Any tips or advice would be appreciated. Thanks for reading.
This doesn't have anything to do with your boyfriend. He's behaving like a typical heterosexual male. Looking at attractive women is what they do. Your self-esteem is not going to come from him. It has to come from you. A good start would be to stop letting society dictate what you should want to look like. If you want to look like a plus-sized model and you can still be healthy doing it, then that's where the discussion ends.
The thing is, if you are looking to other people to validate your opinions, then they aren't really your opinions. When you become certain of what you really want, you will suddenly stop caring what anyone else thinks about it, least of all people who don't even know you.0 -
Here is what I have been doing to love myself again.
Look at yourself in a full length mirror..really look at yourself, not your flaws, not your assets, all of you...and repeat this 3 times every day. " I love you"
the more you love yourself for who you are, flaws and all, the more you will care less about those flaws.
it will seem silly at first but trust me, it weird...but I like hearing myself say that I love myself.0 -
Hey all,
This is my first post on here, so please be gentle.
So long story short, the other day my boyfriend let me use his laptop to search for vacations. When I went into google to type, his search history automatically popped up to reveal "sarah hyland hot" "halle berry hot" etc. you get it. I know guys do this, hell, I know even girls do this, but it seriously messed with my already low self-esteem. I can't help but think, "I look absolutely nothing like these women so how could he possibly find me attractive". I can seriously not get past it, and I hate it because it seems so silly right? I guess my question is, how (other than get the weight off) did you learn to embrace your body image? Has anyone else just felt sort of...unworthy sometimes? I want to add that I have been with my boyfriend for going on 7 years now. This isn't a trust issue or anything like that, I don't believe he is going to run off and cheat on me with emma stone. We are pretty happy together, but would be so much happier if I wasn't so insecure ALL THE TIME. I feel like sometimes the only thing that does get in the way is my insecurity. I really want to work on this, and I know getting the weight off is a good place to start, but as you all know this is a journey...and anything that can help me along the way would be awesome. Any tips or advice would be appreciated. Thanks for reading.
I'm not sure that I have any tips or advice, but I do want you to know that you are not alone in feeling this way. When my boyfriend talks about Avril Lavigne or Angelina Jolie being hott, I get so flustered because I do not look like them. When I mull it over in my head, I think that because I look nothing like them, I am not desirable enough to him.
Now, I have to add this. My boyfriend has my portrait tattooed on the inside of his arm. Clearly, he isn't going to run out away with a hott movie star. I just want you to know, that even with that kind of affirmation, it's still hard not to think, ugh I don't look like them
Here's my million dollar advice-- google any of those stars that he likes and type in "without makeup" after their name. You will see for yourself that you are just as gorgeous, if not MORE gorgeous than them (: You are beautiful!0 -
Hey all,
This is my first post on here, so please be gentle.
So long story short, the other day my boyfriend let me use his laptop to search for vacations. When I went into google to type, his search history automatically popped up to reveal "sarah hyland hot" "halle berry hot" etc. you get it. I know guys do this, hell, I know even girls do this, but it seriously messed with my already low self-esteem. I can't help but think, "I look absolutely nothing like these women so how could he possibly find me attractive". I can seriously not get past it, and I hate it because it seems so silly right? I guess my question is, how (other than get the weight off) did you learn to embrace your body image? Has anyone else just felt sort of...unworthy sometimes? I want to add that I have been with my boyfriend for going on 7 years now. This isn't a trust issue or anything like that, I don't believe he is going to run off and cheat on me with emma stone. We are pretty happy together, but would be so much happier if I wasn't so insecure ALL THE TIME. I feel like sometimes the only thing that does get in the way is my insecurity. I really want to work on this, and I know getting the weight off is a good place to start, but as you all know this is a journey...and anything that can help me along the way would be awesome. Any tips or advice would be appreciated. Thanks for reading.
This doesn't have anything to do with your boyfriend. He's behaving like a typical heterosexual male. Looking at attractive women is what they do. Your self-esteem is not going to come from him. It has to come from you. A good start would be to stop letting society dictate what you should want to look like. If you want to look like a plus-sized model and you can still be healthy doing it, then that's where the discussion ends.
The thing is, if you are looking to other people to validate your opinions, then they aren't really your opinions. When you become certain of what you really want, you will suddenly stop caring what anyone else thinks about it, least of all people who don't even know you.
I know it is my issue and not my boyfriends, but it does have an effect on him nonetheless. I didn't post this for validation, just support.0 -
Those girls are his fantasies, but you're REAL to him. Don't forget that.0
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