Unwanted attention

mollykins777
mollykins777 Posts: 2
in Motivation and Support
I have been a member of my gym for quite a long time and a few months ago the gym manager started to say hi to me and talk to me about exercise and fitness etc... but over the last few weeks he has started to ask more personal questions and has started to drop in inappropriate comments which is now making me feel uncomfortable. I try to avoid him but as soon as he sees me come into the gym he makes a bee line for me! He stands behind the equipment I am working on, staring at me and its starting to annoy me now.
I used to love going to the gym but now I dread it because of him. I feel my only option is to find another gym or try to ignore him and hope he gets bored?
Part of me thinks maybe I am making something out of nothing, because he is a really friendly guy but I think some of his comments are crossing the line.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation?
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Replies

  • TheDoctorDana
    TheDoctorDana Posts: 595 Member
    Maybe try going in with headphones on and when he starts talking just pint to the headphones and keep working out. You might be able to do it with the phone too especially if you have a Jawbone. Just mouth, "I'm on the phone" and keep working. Maybe he will get the hint.
  • kohldawg9
    kohldawg9 Posts: 13
    Just be honest and tell him you aren't there to socialize.
  • MyChocolateDiet
    MyChocolateDiet Posts: 22,281 Member
    Hi Molly, I see you've got yourself a shiny brand new account there. Have I seen you someplace before? You seem familiar?

    Anyways if this were happening to me, and it used to I'd give the guy a big fat hint in one of the following ways. 1) take a male friend with me next time I workout and tell him about that guy before hand and let him glare at him all he wants while spotting me or pretending to train me or motivate me during my workout or just workout alongside me. 2) take a week off and workout someplace else for that week, (maybe jog outside the weather's nice) or (get a new gym membership trial for that week only), then upon returning I'd wear the headphones into the place as well as sunglasses AND be texting the entire walk into the gym, and also up to the machines I were using. I'd only remove the sunglasses and put the phone down near me like I'm waiting for a call and I'd also sigh a lot whenever he gets near to display a bad mood vibe.

    If he doesn't get the hint, complain to the manager. I know, I know "but he's the manager" but unless he's the owner of the gym everyone has a manager, even a manager and it wouldn't be hard to call from home and ask the front desk who that is.
  • NikkiiiT
    NikkiiiT Posts: 34 Member
    That's so rude of him. If you feel uncomfortable then you are not overreacting at all.

    I agree that maybe you should just put your headphones in and try to ignore him. Is he there every day all day? If not you could try changing the days/times you go to avoid him.

    Otherwise I would just change to a different gym if possible.
  • NoelleS85
    NoelleS85 Posts: 89
    I would definitely go for the headphones/earphones first. To give him a subtle hint that you are not interested in socializing. If he continues to bother you or make you feel uncomfortable I agree that you should find out who the manager is and talk to them.
  • RhonndaJ
    RhonndaJ Posts: 1,615 Member
    I would suggest being direct.

    He asks personal questions, decline to answer. He makes inappropriate comments, tell him you don't appreciate them and that he needs to stop. He stares while you're working out, stop working out and tell him to knock it off.

    While headphones and subtle might work. Direct tends to be faster
  • HardcoreP0rk
    HardcoreP0rk Posts: 936 Member
    Headphones in. Wave hello if he makes eye contact and clearly wants to talk. Keep walking.

    Depending on how inappropriate the comments are, I might consider talking to an owner, district manager...whoever is in charge of this fella.

    I don't think you're being ridiculous. A lot of people find themselves on the receiving end of unwanted attention after establishing a harmless, friendly rapport with someone. It can get uncomfortable.
  • HardcoreP0rk
    HardcoreP0rk Posts: 936 Member
    I would suggest being direct.

    He asks personal questions, decline to answer. He makes inappropriate comments, tell him you don't appreciate them and that he needs to stop. He stares while you're working out, stop working out and tell him to knock it off.

    While headphones and subtle might work. Direct tends to be faster

    That's true...

    If it were me, I'd probably roll my eyes and "yikes...creeeeeeepy" just to kind of poke fun at him while pointing out that we're clearly not on the same page
  • ahviendha
    ahviendha Posts: 1,291 Member
    I was in a situation like this, and tried to be subtly unfriendly (earbuds, etc.) it didn't work! He would come in the gym when I was running, do pushups, or pullups, strut around (pretty sure he was checking out my butt). Eventually I switched gyms because I'm avoidant.

    If I could have a do-over, I would let him know I am there to workout, and that he was making me uncomfortable.
  • xandra
    xandra Posts: 101 Member
    At first I would be subtle and just ignore him using my headphones. Point to the headphone, say I can't hear you, then ignore him and continue to work out. That has worked for me in the past. If he doesn't get the hint then I would just be direct. Tell him I'm not interested in talking. If that doesn't work then straight to his boss. Don't let him intimidate you.
  • mollykins777
    mollykins777 Posts: 2
    Thanks for the replies :)
    I have tried the headphone thing but he just stands there grinning at me until I take them out.
    I would love to say 'back off' but I don't want to be rude. I think I'm too nice for my own good, but obviously I need to do something as I don't want this to keep happening.
    Will keep trying to ignore him and if the comments do get worse then I will talk to his manager.
    I am back at the gym tomorrow so wish me luck....
  • JuliaLee67
    JuliaLee67 Posts: 149
    I'm a non-confrontational person too, so I know exactly what you're talking about here. However, you're going to HAVE to be direct with him and tell him how what he is doing is making you uncomfortable, or his behavior will only continue, and most likely get worse. When he asks an inappropriate question, just stare at him and say "Wow..................did you REALLY just ask me THAT? Creepy much? Rude much? None of your damn business much? Things like this make me uncomfortable, please stop." and refuse to play his game. He should take the hint, but if he doesn't--some people are just dense that way--you might have to complain to his supervisor/boss. Either that or find a new place to work out. =/

    Good luck!
  • verptwerp
    verptwerp Posts: 3,659 Member
    Look him right in the eye and tell him that his "individual attention" is no longer necessary ...... and if there are other managers/asssistant managers around, be sure to tell them as well.
  • bumblebums
    bumblebums Posts: 2,181 Member
    It's not in the gym's interest to encourage you to attend frequently. Ideally, members pay the dues but do not use the facilities. So I say props to your smart manager for figuring out an innovative approach to reducing wear and tear on the equipment.
  • murphy612
    murphy612 Posts: 734 Member
    You don't want to be rude, so you are putting up with this? This man is making you uncomfortable and making inappropriate comments and being rude is what you are worried about? He's the manager of the gym, he needs to be more professional. You can confront him and be direct without being rude, but you need to grow a pair and stand up for yourself, no one is going to do it for you.

    Peoples advice is Headphones, ignoring, going to another gym and being passive aggressive? Come on ladies, really? I'm not saying start a fight, but be confident and direct and let him know you're not interested.
  • MsJulielicious
    MsJulielicious Posts: 708 Member
    You say "your behavior is making me feel uncomfortable. Stop" Period. If it continues or he gets mean you report him immediately. You are not in the wrong whatsoever for doing this. You dictate how others treat you.
  • iLoveMyPitbull1225
    iLoveMyPitbull1225 Posts: 1,690 Member


    I will really really love to hear these things he says that are crossing the line...


    I was also wondering what he says that is offending you. Might help us understand what level of creep he's on.


    However, my advice would be to say something about your boyfriend (whether you have one or not) or just tell him nicely that you are uncomfortable. I have been in similar situations and I think honestly sometimes men don't know they are being awkward and aren't necessarily trying to hit on you. They can't read minds, so you have to be direct if he is truly being inappropriate and making you uncomfortable.
  • EmilyOfTheSun
    EmilyOfTheSun Posts: 1,548 Member
    Put in ear buds and listen to music. Or just straight up tell him to fu(k off.
  • MisterDerpington
    MisterDerpington Posts: 604 Member
    Put in ear buds and listen to music. Or just straight up tell him to fu(k off.

    She can't say it in a more civil way?
  • shirleygirl910
    shirleygirl910 Posts: 503 Member
    It sounds to me like you have tried the headphones, ignoring etc. Tell him straight out. You don't have to be rude, but be precise and direct. "You make me feel very uncomfortable standing there watching me" "I don't think that question is appropriate". You aren't rude and you are not sugar coating it. If he turns out to be a stalker type and the judge asks you what you did to discourage him, ignoring him doesn't cut it. When you tell him straight out and he doesn't back off, you have a legitamite reason to complain to his higher ups, or the courts for a restraining order. Sounds harsh, don't want to see a story about you on 20/20.
  • MightyDomo
    MightyDomo Posts: 1,265 Member
    Have you ever thought to stop him while he is doing this and pretty much say:

    "I'm just going to stop you right there, what you just said is offensive to me and I would like it if you were a little more respectful when you talk to me, sorry I just needed to point this out" and if the conversation otherwise was fine and you want to continue you could follow up with something like this:

    "but keep talking, I am still interested in hearing the rest of [what you are talking about]"

    Or something along those lines. No one knows what they are doing 'wrong' if it isn't pointed out to them, he won't know he is offending you unless you actually tell him that.
  • breeshabebe
    breeshabebe Posts: 580
    Just make the stank face everytime you see him. Out-crazy whatever he does. If hes creepily staring at you from afar... lock eyes and creepily stare back.
  • Pie319
    Pie319 Posts: 129 Member
    You are making something out of nothing. There are creepo guys out there, deal with it, like every other women does. You said he's friendly, how do you know he doesn't say the same thing to other women?

    I will really really love to hear these things he says that are crossing the line...

    If he makes you uncomfortable, then it isn't making something out of nothing. Shying away isn't dealing with it, it's letting the problem persist. Women are constantly told to just deal with it as if they are the problem, but the real problem is the unwanted attention.

    give him the benefit of the doubt - he probably doesn't want to be a creeper and will likely be embarrassed, but you have to stand up for yourself.
  • MightyDomo
    MightyDomo Posts: 1,265 Member
    Just make the stank face everytime you see him. Out-crazy whatever he does. If hes creepily staring at you from afar... lock eyes and creepily stare back.

    This literally just reminded me of the "J*zz in my Pants" song by Lonely Island lol.

    "Lock eyes from across the room
    Down my drink while the rhythms boom
    Take your hand and skip the names
    No need here for the silly games"
  • katinachaos
    katinachaos Posts: 90 Member
    <<You are making something out of nothing. There are creepo guys out there, deal with it, like every other women does. You said he's friendly, how do you know he doesn't say the same thing to other women?

    I will really really love to hear these things he says that are crossing the line... >>

    If it's making her uncomfortable, she's clearly not making something out of nothing. Women shouldn't have to "deal with" creepo guys, they should learn that unwanted advances and attention are not appreciated. Just letting creeps be creeps is step one in letting guys think their behavior is acceptable. Just because he says the same thing to other women doesn't make it right. She's paying for a service and he is making her experience unpleasant. Talk to his boss and make sure other women don't get put in the same position.
  • wibutterflymagic
    wibutterflymagic Posts: 788 Member
    I have been a member of my gym for quite a long time and a few months ago the gym manager started to say hi to me and talk to me about exercise and fitness etc... but over the last few weeks he has started to ask more personal questions and has started to drop in inappropriate comments which is now making me feel uncomfortable. I try to avoid him but as soon as he sees me come into the gym he makes a bee line for me! He stands behind the equipment I am working on, staring at me and its starting to annoy me now.
    I used to love going to the gym but now I dread it because of him. I feel my only option is to find another gym or try to ignore him and hope he gets bored?
    Part of me thinks maybe I am making something out of nothing, because he is a really friendly guy but I think some of his comments are crossing the line.
    Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

    You are making something out of nothing. There are creepo guys out there, deal with it, like every other women does. You said he's friendly, how do you know he doesn't say the same thing to other women?

    I will really really love to hear these things he says that are crossing the line...

    Wow, and you probably think no means yes. Unwanted attention in any form is crossing the line.

    To OP, if you are uncomfortable that is the only thing that matters. However, I will add one caveat to this. If you have never told him to go away or that his questions were too personal, then what do you expect?? If he thinks you like the socializing, he's going to continue to come around. He can't read your mind, you have to tell him you aren't interested. You need to be direct with him and next time he asks you something say you aren't comfortable answering that or say it's personal. When he hangs by you tell him you need your space and want to workout not talk. Find another manager and say something to them about his behavior. Maybe you aren't the only one he's done this to. You are paying to use the gyms services not be hit on.
  • JonathanBB
    JonathanBB Posts: 252 Member
    just tell him nicely that you are uncomfortable. I have been in similar situations and I think honestly sometimes men don't know they are being awkward and aren't necessarily trying to hit on you. They can't read minds, so you have to be direct if he is truly being inappropriate and making you uncomfortable.

    and as Murphy612 said be honest, direct and confident.

    Guy perspective: And assuming a lot because we are not there to observe body language, tone, etc.: He is probably interested. He is probably taking you not saying anything to stop is an indication to him you are too. Politely but firmly let him know you think he is a nice guy (if you do) but you are not interested and let him know he is getting too friendly. If he continues it is sexual harrassment and I am sure his supervisor/gym owner will take it very seriously.
  • Ivyzmama
    Ivyzmama Posts: 108 Member
    Just be honest and tell him you aren't there to socialize.

    I understand, I'm avoidant too, but ultimately in life you gotta stand up for yourself, and the sooner the better. A very similar situation happened to me at work this year (although thankfully he wasn't a manager but on the downside he had a lot of anger and we were worried about potential violence.) Changing gyms is a ridiculous idea because there is at least 1 creep in every gym. You gotta be blunt. Go to the gym. When he comes over, cut him off and say, "I'm sorry, I don't come here to socialize." When he then asks you to socialize outside the gym, you say, "I'm sorry, you're not my type." You gotta turn him down flat and hard. He's gonna stammer, "I wasn't asking you out." Yeah, well, he was creeping you, and this is gonna be awkward - because he's setting it up to be awkward! There's no avoiding the awkwardness so just plow through it.

    Subtle doesn't work, even if he understands that you're trying to push him away, which he may very well understand. He's going to keep pressing you because your boundaries are mushy. Because you're afraid to be rude (that's the no. 1 thing creeps take advantage of).

    Your best bet is to have the above conversation in front of as many people as possible, because then you get the satisfaction of other women coming over to you later saying, "Good for you! He was creeping me out too . . . " Trust me, he's creeped out a number of people at your gym.

    Ultimately he'll probably lose his job over something creepy that he does that really blows up in his face and you'll out last him there at your gym.

    In my case at work, he turned out to be creeping a number of people, although he was creeping me the worst, and after he escalated it to an unwanted touching at closing time, they fired him. Whew and good riddance.
  • Vness813
    Vness813 Posts: 24
    It's probably nothing but I'd just make a comment that you appreciate his "friendship" and make it clear that's all you have in mind.
    He could be a very good asset to you as far as advise, etc. and could turn out to be a good friend.

    I met two very good friends this way at my YMCA. Running partners for 4 years now! ;)
  • blondageh
    blondageh Posts: 923 Member
    ]
    You are making something out of nothing. There are creepo guys out there, deal with it, like every other women does. You said he's friendly, how do you know he doesn't say the same thing to other women?

    I will really really love to hear these things he says that are crossing the line...

    I don't think she is at all. Unless you have been on the receiving end of creepsters, you have no idea how it feels. I didn't have it happen at the gym but at a place I liked to go to a lot. One of the employees would sit down and start talking to me when I was there to do something else. He eventually asked me out and I said no, I have a boyfriend, (which was a lie) but then he still would try to talk to me. Finally, I just started being plain rude to him. One word answers etc. Made me feel totally uncomfortable and a complete *****, but dang, some guys just don't get the hint.

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