MFPers lacking confidence
1PatientBear
Posts: 2,089 Member
Since it's 5:00 in the morning and I can't sleep, I've been browsing through the forums. I've noticed a lot of people posting about some things I find curious such as:
how they are uncomfortable with new attention from the opposite sex since losing weight
how random strangers saying something unkind devastates their entire day
how they are scared to go to a gym or run in the neighborhood because people might look at them
or something else along the lines of the examples above
I know that a lot of people face challenges with anxiety or lack of confidence, but I just don't get it. No one can make you feel bad about yourself but you! Why would you give someone that much power over you, especially someone you don't know??
If the opposite sex is paying you more attention, it's a compliment!! Enjoy it (or get a restraining order if necessary)!!
If a random stranger says something unkind, who cares? You don't know them, they don't know you. Let that person live their pathetic, shallow little life and don't let the jerk affect yours!!
Go to the gym! Go for a run! If someone looks at you, it's either because (A) they like what they see or (B) they are saying to themselves "I should do more of that. Good for them" or (C) they fit into the shallow, pathetic category above. Don't let anyone keep you from doing what you want to do.
I know I'm being simplistic here and it's not easy for some people to gain confidence. But, my point is don't let anyone control what you do simply because they might make you uncomfortable. Own that feeling and use it as motivation. Then, get fit, get strong and show them they don't have the power to affect you.
how they are uncomfortable with new attention from the opposite sex since losing weight
how random strangers saying something unkind devastates their entire day
how they are scared to go to a gym or run in the neighborhood because people might look at them
or something else along the lines of the examples above
I know that a lot of people face challenges with anxiety or lack of confidence, but I just don't get it. No one can make you feel bad about yourself but you! Why would you give someone that much power over you, especially someone you don't know??
If the opposite sex is paying you more attention, it's a compliment!! Enjoy it (or get a restraining order if necessary)!!
If a random stranger says something unkind, who cares? You don't know them, they don't know you. Let that person live their pathetic, shallow little life and don't let the jerk affect yours!!
Go to the gym! Go for a run! If someone looks at you, it's either because (A) they like what they see or (B) they are saying to themselves "I should do more of that. Good for them" or (C) they fit into the shallow, pathetic category above. Don't let anyone keep you from doing what you want to do.
I know I'm being simplistic here and it's not easy for some people to gain confidence. But, my point is don't let anyone control what you do simply because they might make you uncomfortable. Own that feeling and use it as motivation. Then, get fit, get strong and show them they don't have the power to affect you.
0
Replies
-
Thank you for this
0 -
0 -
It gets easier every time you do it, too. Laugh in the face of your fears and revel in your newfound power.0
-
It's difficult for someone whose never had a confidence problem to understand what a person with low confidence is experiencing.
All my childhood, I was hounded and belittled by my father. It led to low confidence, which led to me being a target for bullies. Low self confidence is deeply rooted in people and it takes a lot of time and hard work to overcome. Trust me, nobody wants to feel bad about themselves, I would love an adoring public.
Through much soul searching and hard work I finally realized what was going on. I finally started loving myself and putting myself first.
I am self conscious, but getting better. I'm my own worst critic, I used to look at myself and see frizzy hair, fat arms, big butt. How can one feel worthy of positive attention when that's how they view themselves? Now when I look in the mirror, I try to look at the things I like about myself, my pretty eyes, emerging figure, muscles peeking through. I bought some nice clothes that fit well and make sure when I leave my house I feel good about my appearance; It helps a lot. The better I feel about myself, the more positive attention I receive.
I think someday I will be one of those confident people!0 -
“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”
All hail Frank Herbert :happy:0 -
i don't have self esteem issues but...
easier said than done! self esteem issues can be as crippling as depression, and no reasonable person expects depressives to just snap out of it.
it's a work in progress. many people require therapy to get past it. i'm not saying we encourage people to wallow in it but i think we could all be a little more understanding.
you don't know the root of the issue. for some, it's childhood abuse or domestic violence. some of them deserve to be applauded just for getting out of bed each day and facing the world again.
making people feel silly for having this problem is only going to make it worse. many of them fully realise and actually feel guilty and stupid for not being able to cope with situations that the rest of us breeze through.
encourage. reassure. cut them some slack!0 -
you don't know the root of the issue. for some, it's childhood abuse or domestic violence. some of them deserve to be applauded just for getting out of bed each day and facing the world again.
making people feel silly for having this problem is only going to make it worse. many of them fully realise and actually feel guilty and stupid for not being able to cope with situations that the rest of us breeze through.
This is me, basically.
When the people who are "supposed" to "love you no matter what" (re: parents, grandparents) treat you like crap, belittle, insult, abuse a child who's just learning about this self-esteem thing, you pretty much believe *everyone* is thinking you're trash and/or will treat you like trash.
It's nice that OP doesn't have this issue. I wish I didn't have it.0 -
Because it's not that simple. I have social anxiety disorder from years of bullying at school. It's made me extremely self conscious about not only my looks but my voice too. I know it's stupid that I let people's comments bring me down, I know it's stupid that I literally can't answer the phone if I don't know who it is, or talk on Xbox Live/PSN with friends I've known for 3+ years and met in person. I wish I had confidence, I really do. It's just not that easy and unless you've been through it you won't understand.
My weight loss so far has improved my confidence about my looks a little bit, but not my voice. I've had so little social interaction with people over the last 10-15 years+ that I completely lack most social skills. It's make even simple conversations downright terrifying for me sometimes because I'm worried about saying the wrong thing etc.0 -
I love this post. These words fit into all aspects of our lives, not just weight loss. I will never give someone else power over me. I am very self aware when it does happen and I move quickly to correct it. ex. a nutcase at work had me stressed for a week until I realized he doesn't sign my paycheck, he didn't give birth to me, I owe him nothing. I smile, look him directly in the eye (which makes him so uncomfortable), and keep it moving. My biggest strength is my ability to just not give a da*n. Really, and not in a mean way, just in a controlled, I-need-to-take-care-of-me-so-please-move-you're-blocking-my-awesome kind of way.
And, just to add, I know that for some people it just not come easy, it is definitely something that some people need to work at. That is why I love these forums. The support is outstanding!0 -
you have only just scratched the surface of MFP oddities ....
give yourself time and you will experience them all from ..."help, I can't eat over 1000 calories" - rolling eyes - to "I missed snack six I am in starvation mode....
Anyway, its like that old doors song "people are strange..." amen..
end thread/0 -
This is so true thanks for this :laugh: xx:flowerforyou:0
-
Because it's not that simple. I have social anxiety disorder from years of bullying at school. It's made me extremely self conscious about not only my looks but my voice too. I know it's stupid that I let people's comments bring me down, I know it's stupid that I literally can't answer the phone if I don't know who it is, or talk on Xbox Live/PSN with friends I've known for 3+ years and met in person. I wish I had confidence, I really do. It's just not that easy and unless you've been through it you won't understand.
My weight loss so far has improved my confidence about my looks a little bit, but not my voice. I've had so little social interaction with people over the last 10-15 years+ that I completely lack most social skills. It's make even simple conversations downright terrifying for me sometimes because I'm worried about saying the wrong thing etc.
I wish I could change that for you. I took a public speaking course in college and we did it online so I didn't "see" the class but they could see me through my webcam and I taped myself over and over and over until I felt confident to present myself to the class. I sincerely wish you the best. :-)0 -
Love it0 -
When the people who are "supposed" to "love you no matter what" (re: parents, grandparents) treat you like crap, belittle, insult, abuse a child who's just learning about this self-esteem thing, you pretty much believe *everyone* is thinking you're trash and/or will treat you like trash.
It's nice that OP doesn't have this issue. I wish I didn't have it.
^this^ is true. My parents weren't abusive but my mother is not supportive of anything I do that she doesn't agree with or anything that takes attention away from her. "I'm losing weight" I say. She says, "I don't know why, you're going to gain it all back, you can't stop eating. (as she hands me a donut)" Gee thanks, mom. I love her because she is my mom but I've accepted that she is batsh*t crazy and doesn't "do" the mothering part well. I take my mom as an example of how NOT to raise my kids. And it works. I just hate that for a lot of people, it doesn't work that way and that kind of treatment severely damages the psyche of a young child and changes the way they grow and respond to others. Then, it becomes a cycle.0 -
I'm with the "I wish it were so easy" camp...
I grew up being told by my mother that I was fat (she put me on my first diet at 5 years old...looking back, I was NOT fat), I was ugly (she wouldn't buy my school pictures because I was "too ugly in them"), no one liked me...i.e., generally, I just wasn't good enough. Then there was my dad who would act supportive but always had the little snide comments that were meant to make me self conscious enough that I would watch my weight and try to be prettier. Not as malicious, but basically hoping to push me to be a beautiful woman by shaming me into it. I've spent my entire life feeling like less than enough...even now that I've lost all this weight and I know that other people supposedly find me attractive...I can't see myself that way. I look in the mirror and I see the same girl who was never good enough, even when I was younger and reasonably thin. And so when others look at me, I assume they're thinking negative things.
On the comments from the other gender...OP, you're one of my friends so you know that the other night I was very upset about some comments made by some of my guy friends (to another guy friend, not to me) regarding me, hotness and what I'd be like in bed. I, logically, understand everyone's opinion that I should take this as a compliment. Emotionally, however...I'm the girl that was called a *kitten* by her own mother and stepfather the first time I ever had sex (at 18 years old). When my mother found out, I was forced by my mother to go tell my stepfather "what I had done" so that he could verbally lash me, as well. Since then, when I hear comments like this from other people I, quite literally, feel like I've done something wrong, it's meant in a negative way, and people are looking at me badly. Some people consider this a lack of confidence, but it's my gut reaction to run whenever anyone wants to talk about my sex life or anything involving me and sex. I can handle playful banter, but I can't handle discussing anything that's more personal.
My point is, yes, I SHOULD have more confidence. Logically I understand that some people find me attractive and that that's a compliment. Emotionally I'm afraid that I'm always going to feel that any attention I receive is negative in some way.0 -
not quitting = winning :flowerforyou:you don't know the root of the issue. for some, it's childhood abuse or domestic violence. some of them deserve to be applauded just for getting out of bed each day and facing the world again.
making people feel silly for having this problem is only going to make it worse. many of them fully realise and actually feel guilty and stupid for not being able to cope with situations that the rest of us breeze through.
This is me, basically.
When the people who are "supposed" to "love you no matter what" (re: parents, grandparents) treat you like crap, belittle, insult, abuse a child who's just learning about this self-esteem thing, you pretty much believe *everyone* is thinking you're trash and/or will treat you like trash.
It's nice that OP doesn't have this issue. I wish I didn't have it.0 -
New favorite .gif!
XD0 -
No one can make you feel bad about yourself but you! Why would you give someone that much power over you, especially someone you don't know??
That's awfully easy to say. We live in a culture in which many people feel constantly judged.
If the opposite sex is paying you more attention, it's a compliment!! Enjoy it (or get a restraining order if necessary)!!
Ha ha ha. That's the attitude that encourages men to harass women on the street.
I believe in self-reliance, but some of these problems are external and your suggestions are simplistic.0 -
agreed. some prat yelling ''nice tits!'' at me from the scaffolding is not flattering.
If the opposite sex is paying you more attention, it's a compliment!! Enjoy it (or get a restraining order if necessary)!!
Ha ha ha. That's the attitude that encourages men to harass women on the street.
i'm not a lump of meat. if you really want to compliment me then you say it for my benefit, not as some bonding excercise between you and your fellow apes.0 -
Agreed 100% :drinker:0
-
:flowerforyou: my heart aches for those of you who suffer with self esteem issues and anxiety. It makes me so angry how many parents damage their children's self esteem whether in the name of " making" them " better", because they lack self esteem themselves, or just because they are cruel, or simply because they just don't think before they speak.
I was lucky that although my parents aren't perfect they always boosted me up. Not falsely either they didn't tell me every thing I did was perfect but praised me whenit was warrented. I have always had great self esteem even when I was at 300 lbs. But I have friends who do not and it breaks my heart.
I wish you all the best!0 -
I love this post. These words fit into all aspects of our lives, not just weight loss. I will never give someone else power over me. I am very self aware when it does happen and I move quickly to correct it. ex. a nutcase at work had me stressed for a week until I realized he doesn't sign my paycheck, he didn't give birth to me, I owe him nothing. I smile, look him directly in the eye (which makes him so uncomfortable), and keep it moving. My biggest strength is my ability to just not give a da*n. Really, and not in a mean way, just in a controlled, I-need-to-take-care-of-me-so-please-move-you're-blocking-my-awesome kind of way.
And, just to add, I know that for some people it just not come easy, it is definitely something that some people need to work at. That is why I love these forums. The support is outstanding!
Those are awesome words, and something I'm trying to work to incorporate into my life every day!0 -
agreed. some prat yelling ''nice tits!'' at me from the scaffolding is not flattering.
If the opposite sex is paying you more attention, it's a compliment!! Enjoy it (or get a restraining order if necessary)!!
Ha ha ha. That's the attitude that encourages men to harass women on the street.
i'm not a lump of meat. if you really want to compliment me then you say it for my benefit, not as some bonding excercise between you and your fellow apes.
First off, that's not what I meant. Let's not put words in my mouth please and make it seem like I'm some neanderthal yelling "nice rack" at some woman as she walks by. I meant ACTUAL attention and compliments. Genuine interest. Not the leering jerks that wouldn't know how to treat a woman if they got one. So, please don't lump me in with the other "apes" because I'm not one.
Secondly, I KNOW there are legitimate challenges that people face and I said in my OP it's not as simple as I make it sound. I'm aware of that and my heart goes out to those who have struggled. I think some are mistaking my post as something aimed to belittle and make fun; it's not AT ALL. I was attempting to encourage and empower. My words spoke to some and missed the mark with others. Hey, we're all motivated by different things and that's what makes the world go round. But I was NOT attempting to mock or belittle or trivialize anyone's challenges.0 -
I'm with the "I wish it were so easy" camp...
I grew up being told by my mother that I was fat (she put me on my first diet at 5 years old...looking back, I was NOT fat), I was ugly (she wouldn't buy my school pictures because I was "too ugly in them"), no one liked me...i.e., generally, I just wasn't good enough. Then there was my dad who would act supportive but always had the little snide comments that were meant to make me self conscious enough that I would watch my weight and try to be prettier. Not as malicious, but basically hoping to push me to be a beautiful woman by shaming me into it. I've spent my entire life feeling like less than enough...even now that I've lost all this weight and I know that other people supposedly find me attractive...I can't see myself that way. I look in the mirror and I see the same girl who was never good enough, even when I was younger and reasonably thin. And so when others look at me, I assume they're thinking negative things.
On the comments from the other gender...OP, you're one of my friends so you know that the other night I was very upset about some comments made by some of my guy friends (to another guy friend, not to me) regarding me, hotness and what I'd be like in bed. I, logically, understand everyone's opinion that I should take this as a compliment. Emotionally, however...I'm the girl that was called a *kitten* by her own mother and stepfather the first time I ever had sex (at 18 years old). When my mother found out, I was forced by my mother to go tell my stepfather "what I had done" so that he could verbally lash me, as well. Since then, when I hear comments like this from other people I, quite literally, feel like I've done something wrong, it's meant in a negative way, and people are looking at me badly. Some people consider this a lack of confidence, but it's my gut reaction to run whenever anyone wants to talk about my sex life or anything involving me and sex. I can handle playful banter, but I can't handle discussing anything that's more personal.
My point is, yes, I SHOULD have more confidence. Logically I understand that some people find me attractive and that that's a compliment. Emotionally I'm afraid that I'm always going to feel that any attention I receive is negative in some way.
Beautifully said Punky. I'm so glad you are one of my MFP friends. I'm also with the "not that easy" camp. I don't have very high self esteem. I had someone pound into my head that I was never good enough..fat...etc. When you hear these things all the time you start to believe them.0 -
agreed. some prat yelling ''nice tits!'' at me from the scaffolding is not flattering.
If the opposite sex is paying you more attention, it's a compliment!! Enjoy it (or get a restraining order if necessary)!!
Ha ha ha. That's the attitude that encourages men to harass women on the street.
i'm not a lump of meat. if you really want to compliment me then you say it for my benefit, not as some bonding excercise between you and your fellow apes.
Well that escalated quickly...
From" opposite sex paying you more attention" it only took two posts to jump to "bonding exercise between apes". Very logical progression.0 -
easier said than done!
Of course it is. Aside from "selling sea shells by the sea shore," what ISN'T easier said than done? Improving one's health is easier said than done, too, and most of us are hear because we're doing it.
I used to be terribly lacking in confidence and was bullied big time in junior high. The only way to get over it, is to get over it. It's not going to go away on it's own, it's not going to get better on it's own. You have to make a conscious effort to defeat those insecurities, just like you have to make a conscious effort to eat better, exercise, etc. We're here improving our physical health, why not make the extra effort to improve our mental health, too?0 -
I don't think it's necessarily a confidence problem at all. If you are constantly wondering what people are thinking about you, you probably should wonder about something more important. People are worried about their own *kitten* and probably don't care.
Sorry.
Some idiot staring or yelling or smiling is also part of life. You'll be much happier if you learn to shake off the small stuff.0 -
i can't speak for every woman here but that is, by far, the most common form of male attention i get. leering, whistling and lewd comments. if i don't want a conversation i can drink my tea at home instead of in the cafe, but i have no choice but to walk down the street.
agreed. some prat yelling ''nice tits!'' at me from the scaffolding is not flattering.
If the opposite sex is paying you more attention, it's a compliment!! Enjoy it (or get a restraining order if necessary)!!
Ha ha ha. That's the attitude that encourages men to harass women on the street.
i'm not a lump of meat. if you really want to compliment me then you say it for my benefit, not as some bonding excercise between you and your fellow apes.
Well that escalated quickly...
From" opposite sex paying you more attention" it only took two posts to jump to "bonding exercise between apes". Very logical progression.
one or two unwanted conversations/month V several leers, whistles & cat calls/week
my sister finds it flattering. i'm well aware that some women feel attractive if they get whistled at. personally, i find it obnoxious.
...what is your experience of unwanted attention?0 -
“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”
All hail Frank Herbert :happy:
Quotiing for the awesomeness that is Frank Herbert.0 -
Ok, people, seriously...as one of the people on the "it's not so easy" camp...I would also like to point out that OP did NOT mean this in a negative way. It came from a place of love and sincerely caring to help other people feel better about themselves.
We all have our own demons that we deal with, but when someone offers us genunine caring, accept it and don't bash them. My earlier response was simply as a means of explaining the other side to him. It doesn't mean that I thought his original post was offensive.
Cut him slack.
The end.0
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 393.6K Introduce Yourself
- 43.8K Getting Started
- 260.3K Health and Weight Loss
- 175.9K Food and Nutrition
- 47.5K Recipes
- 232.5K Fitness and Exercise
- 430 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.5K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.5K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 153K Motivation and Support
- 8K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.3K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.8K MyFitnessPal Information
- 24 News and Announcements
- 1.1K Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.6K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions