Unwanted attention
Replies
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Put in ear buds and listen to music. Or just straight up tell him to fu(k off.
She can't say it in a more civil way?
I loved you in Django0 -
This happens to nearly every girl at the gym other than me. Not by the PT's, but by the other men - they gawp as if the sentence girl, boobs and GYM never existed.
I'm so glad to be the minority - I haven't got time for socialising like the majority of people in my gym. I probably scare them off anyway, because I talk to the weights and give them the finger occasionally. I'm also known to sing out loud unintentionally.0 -
New account...2 posts total...over the top scenario...
seems legit.
Come on OP you can do better than 4 pages can't you?0 -
i used to hate offending people but, a few stalkers & sexual assaults down the line, offending people doesn't bother me at all. lots of creeps see you not telling them to jog on as you accepting their attention.
if somebody says something inappropriate i just look them right in the eye and say, ''that's completely inappropriate. i'm here to _____.'' and i don't mind if it makes them uncomfortable.
my general personality gives plenty enough hints that i'm interested in nothing more intimate than common civility.0 -
I had something similar happen and here is what I did: first when he would stand there and wait for me to take my headphones off I would only take one out, continue what i was doing and say "Hey". Then I would casually slip in something about my boyfriend ("my boyfriend has those same shoes, do you like them because he isn't too set on them?" ), then when he would say something inappropriate or ask me a personal question I would respond with "well that's a bit inappropriate/personal. Ha ha ha", then follow it with "Good to see you", put the headphone back in and be done. Then your not being rude but you're getting to the point.0
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Why does it seem reasonable for you to be unconfortable at the gym? Why are you protecting this guy from (possibly) having his feelings hurt by you if you simply say "Sorry, but I am not here to socialize, and I need to focus on my workout, I need some space" ?Thanks for the replies
I have tried the headphone thing but he just stands there grinning at me until I take them out.
I would love to say 'back off' but I don't want to be rude. I think I'm too nice for my own good, but obviously I need to do something as I don't want this to keep happening.
Will keep trying to ignore him and if the comments do get worse then I will talk to his manager.
I am back at the gym tomorrow so wish me luck....
When you can't tell the truth about how you feel (at a commerical establishment that you are paying to use) -- because you are afraid of being seen as 'rude" -- then there is something wrong.
What is stopping you is that your discomfort for standing up for yourself is much greater than the level of discomfort this creeper is causing you. Don't do that, don't reduce your feelings as being less important that this stranger's - not too mention how can you expect him to change his behavior when you've never directly told him it bothers you? He obviously doesn't get the 'hints' - or he is ignoring them under the pretense of not understanding. So make him understand, be plain spoken. It's not rude, its just truthful.
Yes yes yes so well said!! Read this like 5 times and you will find your answer! It's so true that you are NOT being rude... you are being truthful!0 -
It's not fair to him to go straight to his superiors when you haven't even asked him once to stop (what if he got fired? Is that what you want? I guess it would solve your problem but could haunt him for life) . He's probably clueless. Just grow a pair and tell him that it makes you uncomfortable to be watched while you work out, and that you're not there to socialize. Smile while you say it, say "no offense intended, but..." or "It's not you, it's me" if you must, but tell him how you feel. If he continues after that, then go to management.
I agree with this. It is not right to get him in trouble at work when you have not actually tried to solve the problem yourself. Putting in headphones as a way to discourage him when probably 75% of the people there are also wearing headphones is not a hint really.
If he approaches you, tell him upfront that you don't want to talk--you need to work out. If he asks an inappropriate question, tell him upfront that it's not something you are comfortable discussing. If he's watching you, ask him to move along because you don't like him watching you.
I understand not wanting to be rude or hurt someone's feelings, but this is his workplace & how he makes his living. It is wrong to put that at risk because you won't speak up for yourself. He could be a creeper or he could just have bad social skills. You don't know which yet. If you are direct & he keeps up, then you have a reason to complain. Until then, you really don't. If he just has bad social skills, this is a good learning opportunity for him.0 -
You say "your behavior is making me feel uncomfortable. Stop" Period. If it continues or he gets mean you report him immediately. You are not in the wrong whatsoever for doing this. You dictate how others treat you.
^^^^^^THIS!!!!!^^^^^
Don't use the "subtle hint" method. Save that for people who don't get it that you don't want to talk to them, but who otherwise haven't done anything except want to be a chatterbox.
This is different.
1) You've already established that you're willing to talk. So it's a little late to easily switch that off.
2) He has specifically said something that makes you uncomfortable. He has crossed a line. I don't know what's going on in his mind, but he *could* be thinking that, because you didn't say something, you're okay with what he said.
3) As someone who has spent YEARS commiting the occasional faux pas that upset my mother while having NO IDEA what I did until I'd racked up a series of offenses without knowing I'd upset her because she would bottle it up and not confront me about it, I can say that you'll likely do better to say outright "You crossed the line. That was inappropriate. I don't want to talk to you anymore." Not everyone picks up on hints and nonverbal communications. He may very likely be the type of person who will need to hear this in plain, audible English.0 -
I didn't read the the other posts...but for the love of God, TELL HIM THIS in a polite manner. He may have the impression that his behavior is welcomed...if you haven't said anything or made it clear in other ways that it's not.0
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You say "your behavior is making me feel uncomfortable. Stop" Period. If it continues or he gets mean you report him immediately. You are not in the wrong whatsoever for doing this. You dictate how others treat you.
^^^^^^THIS!!!!!^^^^^
Don't use the "subtle hint" method. Save that for people who don't get it that you don't want to talk to them, but who otherwise haven't done anything except want to be a chatterbox.
This is different.
1) You've already established that you're willing to talk. So it's a little late to easily switch that off.
2) He has specifically said something that makes you uncomfortable. He has crossed a line. I don't know what's going on in his mind, but he *could* be thinking that, because you didn't say something, you're okay with what he said.
3) As someone who has spent YEARS commiting the occasional faux pas that upset my mother while having NO IDEA what I did until I'd racked up a series of offenses without knowing I'd upset her because she would bottle it up and not confront me about it, I can say that you'll likely do better to say outright "You crossed the line. That was inappropriate. I don't want to talk to you anymore." Not everyone picks up on hints and nonverbal communications. He may very likely be the type of person who will need to hear this in plain, audible English.
^^^ this...I am about to do that to the annoying kid in the produce section of Publix. He seems to be a bit slow and just stares at me and says hi about 3 or 4 times when he sees me at the grocery store every time. I never even speak to him but he is just not very bright and keeps trying. He's probably just 10 years older than my own son. LOL0 -
Be simple and direct. Don't be ugly or rude about it but simply tell him you are not interested in him. You are there to work out and to reach your goals. Tell him your actions and comments make you feel uncomfortable. Ask him to stop. If he does not, talk to the owner or whoever is his supervisor. I assure you, they would much rather talk to you than to your lawyer. Things like sexual harrassment lawsuits tend to be very bad for business, especially in tough economic times. The suggestion to bring a friend with you is also a good suggestion. It is even better when you have a witness with you so that he can't pull a he said she said kind of thing. Be clear and direct, bottom line up front. No means no.0
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I dont know if this was mentioned already but when Im trying to get the point across that Im not interested I just throw in a comment about "My husband blah blah...." that usually takes care of that...
cuz y'know, this happens to me all the time
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You say "your behavior is making me feel uncomfortable. Stop" Period. If it continues or he gets mean you report him immediately. You are not in the wrong whatsoever for doing this. You dictate how others treat you.
^^^^ This.0 -
Tell him that your really want to focus on getting your workout done and dont have time to socialize as it distracts you from why you're at the gym.
I have told this to people and i have even told one guy,,"you're impeding my workout, maybe you can find someone else willing to talk to you tonight. "
I find some people just dont get the headphones hint.... Also, maybe you can leave the area and do something else if he takes up shop behind you... just to confirm if he was back there to stare at you. if he leaves shortly after you, its confirmed. I have also been direct when a guy has asked me out. I no longer make up some lie, I tell them I am not interested in dating anyone (or anyone from the gym at this time).
Dont worry about hurting feelings. He's not worried about offending you or making you feel uncomfortable. Do what you need to do to take care of you.
Be direct... Its the only way to go!0 -
Troll.0
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I would suggest being direct.
He asks personal questions, decline to answer. He makes inappropriate comments, tell him you don't appreciate them and that he needs to stop. He stares while you're working out, stop working out and tell him to knock it off.
While headphones and subtle might work. Direct tends to be faster
What SHE said. Exactly.
He doesn't realize its making you uncomfortable, so TELL him. Lots of guys are clueless, and will talk to any female kind enough to talk back.0 -
I started going to my gym in January this year and been working out there 4-5 days a week. No one there paid attention to me until last month in May. All of a sudden all the male trainers are stopping by where I am, chatting me up, asking things, flirting....blah blah.
I'm pretty sure they are schilling me into signing up for sessions. Think about it. Are they gonna go solicit the people who will probably go to the gym a few times then quit (while still paying a membership, mind you)? Or are they gonna solicit someone who is starting to look familiar and has been consistently working out for the last 6 months, a guaranteed client?
I love my gym, it's just that the trainers there are shameless hustlers and every couple weeks I'm dodging em 0 -
Manager talking to you in the gym? I think we can all agree there's only one way to handle this.
haha! Is that a glock?0 -
I try to avoid him but as soon as he sees me come into the gym he makes a bee line for me! He stands behind the equipment I am working on, staring at me and its starting to annoy me now.
Tell him you're not interested in anything but working out. Alone.0 -
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I was thinking about this thread last night, especially in regards to my own experience I talked about here: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1015528-standing-up-for-yourself-and-harassment
And if you have any issues about the repercussions of standing up to persistent people etc.. you might want to have a look at 'The Gift of Fear' by Gavin De Beck and 'When I say No, I Feel Guilty' by Manuel J. Smith.
Yeah, they sound a little over the top but if you're bothered by the whole politeness rules on when and how it's best to tell someone to back off, and you're also scared of the repercussions of doing do, I found both these books very useful (bought them and read some of them last night!!)
'When I say No' doesn't really have any info on dealing with persistent strangers, but it does lay out ground work for being assertive (ie: you have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behavior, you have the right to change your mind, you have the right to be illogical in making decisions, you have the right to say I don't care).
'The Gift of Fear' is about dealing with people's behaviors that make you feel threatened, it also has a very interesting chapter about persistent people and how to deal with them (don't try and figure out their behavior in regards to what you would/wouldn't do, do not do anything to add fuel to the fire but simply withdraw all interaction - either altogether, or if you have to see them then treat them like the stranger they are and do not interact with them. It also chimes in with the advice given here: http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-with-Someone-That-is-Harassing-You which is "Do not get into a dialogue with the harasser,or try to reason with them, or answer their questions. You do not need to respond to diversions, questions, threats, blaming, or guilt-tripping. Stay on your own agenda. Stick to your point. Repeat your statement or leave.")
Also, and I don't know if this applies to your situation, but with regards to dealing with people who you suspect may be somewhere on the Autism spectrum. The advice I've read is to make your requests as clear and verbal as possible, as they will be unable to pick up on subtle hints that you want to be left alone (which is obvious, as if they were able to read you in the first place they wouldn't be coming over and talking to you repeatedly). It's what I think is the issue in my case, and so for any further interaction I'm aiming to clearly and calmly repeat: "You are invading my personal space. Leave me alone."
Anyhoo, that's all obviously food for thought about what to do after you start showing this guy that he's crossing your personal boundaries (I'd go with "I need to concentrate on my workout," then smile and ignore.)
Hope some of that helps, or at least puts your mind at ease!0 -
i used to hate offending people but, a few stalkers & sexual assaults down the line, offending people doesn't bother me at all. lots of creeps see you not telling them to jog on as you accepting their attention.
if somebody says something inappropriate i just look them right in the eye and say, ''that's completely inappropriate. i'm here to _____.'' and i don't mind if it makes them uncomfortable.
my general personality gives plenty enough hints that i'm interested in nothing more intimate than common civility.
''that's completely inappropriate. i'm here to _____.''
Ooohh - I'm totally adding that to my repertoire!
Part of me wishes that in these situations I could just stand up and yell "STRANGER DANGER!!" then point and scream at them like in 'Invasion of the Body Snatchers'.0 -
You should not have to "ignore" or "avoid" someone because they're making you unsafe. As a woman, it's not my job to take men's comments and endure them just because they feel okay saying them. If you feel like what he's saying is inappropriate, tell him, tell a manager, or like others have said, switch gyms. But don't switch gyms without reporting him. It's highly likely that he's doing this to other customers and clients as well, ruining business for whoever actually owns the gym. Everyone deserves to work out in a space in which they feel safe and welcomed. There's enough shame at the gym without snarky guys dropping inappropriate comments all the time.0
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If he were anyone but the manager, I would complain to the manager about the inappropriate behavior. Since he is the manager, I would find another gym. And tell him why, if you feel comfortable doing so. Women should not have to "just shut up and take it" when sexually harassed, and that's what this is.0
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Simple: tell him you don't have time to chat because you just came in to workout. Explain to him that you dont like to socialize at the gym because it's cutting into your limited exercise time. And then just walk away. We, as women, are so afraid as being seen as rude. Who cares? Be assertive. You're there to workout, not chit chat.0
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You should not have to "ignore" or "avoid" someone because they're making you unsafe. As a woman, it's not my job to take men's comments and endure them just because they feel okay saying them. If you feel like what he's saying is inappropriate, tell him, tell a manager, or like others have said, switch gyms. But don't switch gyms without reporting him. It's highly likely that he's doing this to other customers and clients as well, ruining business for whoever actually owns the gym. Everyone deserves to work out in a space in which they feel safe and welcomed. There's enough shame at the gym without snarky guys dropping inappropriate comments all the time.
Oh no, I agree about not ignoring or avoiding someone because of their conduct. I'm not talking about enduring bad behavior. I mean once you have told them to leave you alone and they continue to be persistent. Avoid, which is what you suggested anyway with regards to switching gyms.
Yeah - ignoring them is a bit more problematic. I mean it in the sense that if they are an overly friendly stranger then you should not give them any fuel to their fire. So if they keep trying to ask you questions or engaging you in conversation and you don't like it, then you should not feel you need to engage them in conversation back just to be polite. There's probably a better word to use than 'ignore'... Not tolerate? In my head I know what I mean! Not put up with **** out of fear of seeming rude, not engaging in chit chat for fear of seeming rude, not entering into a debate or discussion about you telling them to leave you alone...that's what I mean.0 -
I've had a similar situation but in a different environment.
I don't think guys truly understand how this can make a woman feel.
What helped me was to research the dynamic of stalking.
I know that sounds like I'm taking it to the extreme and we visualize stalkers as terrorizing women.
But stalking has increasing levels of encroachment and I saw that this guy was slowly but surely escalating.
It helped me to see that I wasn't imagining things and I needed to set my boundaries to be safe.
I agree with the direct approach to begin with and bring a friend if it difficult for you to confront someone.
At least give him the chance to apologize and change his ways.
If that doesn't work, then definitely take it to the next level of management.
It has been my experience that these kind of guys don't respect women, think its their "right" to treat women in this manner and will need more than just your polite confrontation.
But do it yourself first just to know in your mind that you gave him the chance and he ignored your request.
That will give your complaint more legitimacy when you take it to the next level.
This is a good article.
Even though it's "Teen Advice", I think it applies to all women.
http://teenadvice.about.com/library/weekly/aa052002a.htm0 -
i used to hate offending people but, a few stalkers & sexual assaults down the line, offending people doesn't bother me at all. lots of creeps see you not telling them to jog on as you accepting their attention.
if somebody says something inappropriate i just look them right in the eye and say, ''that's completely inappropriate. i'm here to _____.'' and i don't mind if it makes them uncomfortable.
my general personality gives plenty enough hints that i'm interested in nothing more intimate than common civility.
''that's completely inappropriate. i'm here to _____.''
Ooohh - I'm totally adding that to my repertoire!
Part of me wishes that in these situations I could just stand up and yell "STRANGER DANGER!!" then point and scream at them like in 'Invasion of the Body Snatchers'.
me too! Could definitely use it with a colleague of mine. Next time he makes a green nipples joke, laughs at himself and then shiftily apologizes. He KNOWS he did wrong but he did it anyways... *sigh*
However, in the OP case, it could be unintentional. Neither men nor women are mind readers; and it could be that he's just being friendly. It could also be that he's genuinely interested in you - however, in both cases it's best to let him know that you're not comfortable with the attention you're receiving. Maybe you can approach him after your training session; privately (nobody likes to be told these kinds of things in front of everybody) and explain that you are getting mixed messages from him and you'd appreciate it to have it clear for once and for all: is he interested in you or not? If he's not to maybe think about toning down his communication - and if he is, then let him know that you're not looking for a relationship, just the workout. And no, "workout" is not a euphemism for something else.0
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