Social manners

Melanie_23
Melanie_23 Posts: 1
in Chit-Chat
Okay guys I've been having a debate with my boyfriend about the following : I get invited to go tubing, ask my friend if she minds if he comes along ( perfectly normal ) but then later on he somehow thinks it's okay to invite others to this event. I try to explain that it's not my event so I don't think its okay to invite people. He thinks why not the more the merrier. I think hey make your own event invite whoever you want, but this one is not yours to invite people to. If she made it clear anyone was invited and it was an open thing sure but just a few friends seemed inappropriate. What do u think?
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Replies

  • mustang289
    mustang289 Posts: 299 Member
    Third hand invites are rude.

    You were the first hand invite, your significant other was second hand. That's where it should stop.
  • BigBrunette
    BigBrunette Posts: 1,543 Member
    I think it's rude for a guest to invite additional guests.
  • Laces_0ut
    Laces_0ut Posts: 3,750 Member
    its just tubing right? its not like a dinner with limited seating or a house party where you have to plan...

    i dont think its a big deal for them to come along. if i had planned something i certainly wouldnt care if others came. unless its a special event like birthday or something.


    if your friend is giong to be weird about it then just have your 3rd party plan their own event that just so happens to occur at the same place and time as your friends. :)
  • hbrittingham
    hbrittingham Posts: 2,518 Member
    It's rude of your boyfriend to invite others to your friend's event without clearing it with the friend first.
  • pudadough
    pudadough Posts: 1,271 Member
    I agree with you. I think it's ok that you asked if he could tag along (I think your friend would say no if it was an issue!) But him bringing all of his buds along is rude. I can see how that many extra guests could throw off the logistics.
  • BeachGingerOnTheRocks
    BeachGingerOnTheRocks Posts: 3,927 Member
    It is very poor etiquette. If he does this, he's not showing respect to you or to the person inviting you.

    It doesn't matter whether it is a simple back yard barbecue, tubing, or a walk in the park. If you are invited and bring a guest, your guest does not bring others along. He's NOT the invited guest. He's the "plus 1."
  • taunto
    taunto Posts: 6,420 Member
    I personally think its rude. I have witnessed it happened to me once. I used to cook for my friends back in US like once every quarter and we'd have a blast and they liked my cooking and company. One time when I invited them, they asked if they can bring friends along. They knew my answer already (I love sharing food) but they were still polite enough to ask.

    But just going ahead and inviting is very rude and awkward imo
  • Nina1007
    Nina1007 Posts: 150
    It is very poor etiquette. If he does this, he's not showing respect to you or to the person inviting you.

    It doesn't matter whether it is a simple back yard barbecue, tubing, or a walk in the park. If you are invited and bring a guest, your guest does not bring others along. He's NOT the invited guest. He's the "plus 1."

    Exactly what I think as well!
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    If it's on her property or she's paying or otherwise supplying equipment, rude.

    If it's a place anyone can pretty much go, anyway, I don't see the big deal.
  • billsica
    billsica Posts: 4,741 Member
    I think you should invite me. There are a ton of people going anyways.
  • Jerrypeoples
    Jerrypeoples Posts: 1,541 Member
    I think it's rude for a guest to invite additional guests.
  • garryt1980
    garryt1980 Posts: 44 Member
    Yeah, he shouldn't be inviting others when he's technically YOUR guest... Why wouldn't he know this? Seems basic.
  • Laces_0ut
    Laces_0ut Posts: 3,750 Member
    If it's on her property or she's paying or otherwise supplying equipment, rude.

    If it's a place anyone can pretty much go, anyway, I don't see the big deal.

    thats what i was saying. this is tubing. extra guests shouldnt matter. she should just call her friend and say "hey i hope you dont mind but my bf invited a few extra friends." the most likely response will be "great!".
  • brower47
    brower47 Posts: 16,356 Member
    It's rude of your boyfriend to invite others to your friend's event without clearing it with the friend first.

    This.
  • BrainyBurro
    BrainyBurro Posts: 6,129 Member
    Okay guys I've been having a debate with my boyfriend about the following : I get invited to go tubing, ask my friend if she minds if he comes along ( perfectly normal ) but then later on he somehow thinks it's okay to invite others to this event. I try to explain that it's not my event so I don't think its okay to invite people. He thinks why not the more the merrier. I think hey make your own event invite whoever you want, but this one is not yours to invite people to. If she made it clear anyone was invited and it was an open thing sure but just a few friends seemed inappropriate. What do u think?

    just break up.™
  • Mustang_Susie
    Mustang_Susie Posts: 7,045 Member
    Yeah, he shouldn't be inviting others when he's technically YOUR guest... Why wouldn't he know this? Seems basic.

    This
  • PlayerHatinDogooder
    PlayerHatinDogooder Posts: 1,018 Member
    It is very poor etiquette. If he does this, he's not showing respect to you or to the person inviting you.

    It doesn't matter whether it is a simple back yard barbecue, tubing, or a walk in the park. If you are invited and bring a guest, your guest does not bring others along. He's NOT the invited guest. He's the "plus 1."

    This.

    Unless his guests are extremely attractive with loose morals and handle bottles of vodka.
  • BeachIron
    BeachIron Posts: 6,490 Member
    You're right, it is rude.

    There are certain situations where you know it is "the more the merrier" such as where you each pay your own way, reservations are not necessary, it doesn't involve a specific group activity, and it is either understood or been cleared. Showing up with the "hey gyuiz!!" approach screams "clueless."
  • Contrarian
    Contrarian Posts: 8,138 Member
    It's impolite.
  • trailtripper
    trailtripper Posts: 71
    It is very poor etiquette. If he does this, he's not showing respect to you or to the person inviting you.

    It doesn't matter whether it is a simple back yard barbecue, tubing, or a walk in the park. If you are invited and bring a guest, your guest does not bring others along. He's NOT the invited guest. He's the "plus 1."

    Especially (like in my case) the 'tubing is done behind a boat. Then there all kinds of consideration. I had once invited 2 folks to go tubing with myself and my wife.11 Folks showed at at the dock. Told them that I did not have a ferry boat and that due to the boats restriction, I could not take all of them (awkward). They agued for awhile, so I wished them a nice day and I left with just my wife and we had a nice relaxing day on the water instead of me ferry some meatheads around burning up $175 OF FUEL.

    Never offered the two original invitees again, although dropped numerous hint about nothing to do for a weekend.

    Moral of the story: If invite you it is you and not the darn football team. or whatever hanger ons you have accumulated.
  • ash190489
    ash190489 Posts: 587 Member
    It's rude of your boyfriend to invite others to your friend's event without clearing it with the friend first.

    THIS
  • jennibourne92
    jennibourne92 Posts: 4
    I agree with all of you, it is rude to invite guests if you are someone's guest. Sadly I have people in my family who do this!
  • AdriSaysRelax
    AdriSaysRelax Posts: 110
    I think it boils down to boundaries. Some people, like the OP, have pretty well defined one. Others, like the OP's boyfriend, don't. (Personally, I've found women have better boundaries and guys, especially ones from laid back cultures or families, are more apt to lack 'em.)

    It's really hard for people who have lax boundaries to consider that other people have more delineated lines of acceptable behavior.

    How often do we assume something is cool because WE'D be okay with it? We all do it. It's thoughtless, and can be super destructive to relationships, but in this case it doesn't seem like SUCH a terrible faux pass since it is a relaxed situation.

    Still, it takes two minutes to make a phone call to find out, one way or the other. No harm in asking!
  • gimpygramma
    gimpygramma Posts: 383 Member
    Re: the expanding guest list.
    This will not answer OP's question but I think y'all will enjoy it.
    http://www.27bslash6.com/matthewsparty.html
  • Alatariel75
    Alatariel75 Posts: 18,232 Member
    I'm with the "Rude"s. You dont invite people to someone else event without clearing it first, you certainly don't if the original invite wasn't to you (as is in your b/fs case)

    Every 4th July I cook up a storm for my friends (In Aust but LOVE USA food). Last year hubbys bestie messaged to make sure it was ok if he brought Joe*. Hubby doesn't like Joe, bestie is well aware of this, hubby says no, it isnt ok if Joe comes. Follows a huge chain of messages which make it totally clear that Joe has been invited by bestie, who only thought to check after the fact, and now bestie doesnt want to renege. Made for all the awkwards.

    *Not his real name
  • SquidandWhale
    SquidandWhale Posts: 259
    ARGH, the last time I organized a tubing trip a friend asked if he could bring his girlfriend, which I said fine to. Well, she brought along a girlfriend of her's, and I was fine with that given that it was the first time she'd met any of us. Well, they showed up half an hour late to my house (we were carpooling together), and halfway through my friend and his g/f got into a fight. The idiot g/f and her friend decided to have an effing pow-wow on a rock while the rest of us, unknowing that this was going on, went downriver. Since I was their ride, I had to wait around 1.5 hours for them to reach checkpoint. Needless to say, the car ride was rather terse.

    That was the straw that broke my back concerning "the more the merrier," arguments. If I wanted to hang out with bros and drunk college girls, I'd time travel back to my college days when that type of behavior was more socially acceptable to me.
  • celtbell3
    celtbell3 Posts: 738 Member
    Those who are invited by the host are invited by the host. IMO
  • MelsAuntie
    MelsAuntie Posts: 2,833 Member
    "Guests Of Guests May Not Bring Guests"

    Saw this sign on a pool once. Makes PERFECT sense.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    I'm with the "Rude"s. You dont invite people to someone else event without clearing it first, you certainly don't if the original invite wasn't to you (as is in your b/fs case)

    Every 4th July I cook up a storm for my friends (In Aust but LOVE USA food). Last year hubbys bestie messaged to make sure it was ok if he brought Joe*. Hubby doesn't like Joe, bestie is well aware of this, hubby says no, it isnt ok if Joe comes. Follows a huge chain of messages which make it totally clear that Joe has been invited by bestie, who only thought to check after the fact, and now bestie doesnt want to renege. Made for all the awkwards.

    *Not his real name
    Obviously you don't invite people to someone's house without clearing it first. You're comparing apples and oranges.

    Now, if this particular tubing event is something the OP's friend has to make reservations for and if the number who can go is limited, then yes, it's rude. But if it's a public, open, anyone-can-show kind of thing, I really don't see the problem.
  • Laces_0ut
    Laces_0ut Posts: 3,750 Member
    time out: i dont tube much so i didnt consider if this was a boating thing. if it is then yes its rude...its in the same category of a dinner/party...whatever...in that you have to plan for it.

    but if its just river tubing then i stand by my original view that its not a big deal.

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