Learning to make it simple...

WARNING! This is long!

I had my "ah ha!" moment yesterday....and it was a thing of beauty! Here's my story.

Two years ago, I'd lost 42 lbs with the help of MFP. I'd gotten all the way down to 150, was running 10K's, and was fitting into size 8's! It was pretty fantastic. Then...frustration got in the way. I'd always compared myself to my younger sister and it ended up being the breaking point for me.

Growing up in my family was difficult on my self esteem. I'd always been the chubby one...from when I was a baby and into adulthood. Both my parents had six packs until they about 5 years ago and my little sister was stick thin, so I'd always looked out of place. I remember stepping on a scale in 6th grade and thinking to myself "120 lbs?!?! Well, if I can stay 120 for the rest of my life, I'll be in good shape." My poor parents, never having to lose weight themselves, didn't know how to deal with a child that was overweight. So the first thing they did was put me on Slimfast. I was 10 years old. Then they tried to put me in sports, but I'd felt like the fat girl and didn't want to play because I feared that I'd be the worst one of the bunch and be made fun of.

Then, one day, when I was 24, I bought a scale. I knew I was overweight but I'd always seen myself as just a little round...not 192 lbs round. I'm only 5'2"....so 192 is a lot for my little frame. Then, the worst part and what ultimately made me start thinking about losing weight was when my husband (then boyfriend) stepped on the scale. I was 10 lbs heaver than him. I couldn't believe it! All of the sudden I went from feeling a little overweight to feeling like a whale. It was awful. Of course, he didn't care but I did. So I went to weight watchers. It was great! I'd lost 30 lbs and was going strong until I couldn't afford it anymore. Then, as it usually does, the weight came back on because I didn't know how to do it on my own. So I did some research and found MFP. It was a blessing! I'd go on to lose all the weight I'd gained back plus 20.

Remember my sister? The skinny one? Well, about 2 years ago we were out spending the day together. We started out by going to breakfast together, then shopping, lunch, then more shopping and then dinner. And in that time I'd noticed a SIGNIFICANT difference between what I ate and what she ate. I had fruit and oatmeal for breakfast, she had a cinnamon roll. I'd had a salad with grilled chicken for lunch and she has creamy soup, bread and a sandwich. I'd had a small salad for dinner with a small soup and she had fried chicken with macaroni and cheese. It made me furious! How fair is it that I have to watch every single little thing I put in my mouth and she could eat whatever she wants and still be super skinny? I was beyond frustrated. I'd hit a plateau and no matter what I did, I couldn't break through it. So I eventually gave up.

I'm not going to lie, it was great not having to count everything...but it wasn't great when the feeling of inadequacy returned. All of the sudden, I felt like the fat girl again. So last week I stepped on my scale. The number that stared at me broke my heart and made me feel like I'd ruined everything I'd worked so hard for.

200.8 lbs.

So I started going back into my research and putting together meal plans and exercise charts. I went from zero to sixty. Figuring out what time of day to eat grains, combining foods to make complete proteins, taking out processed food, and buying tofu. Well....let me tell you, if you ever start (or re=start) your weight loss journey like I just did, you won't make it a week. I didn't. Yesterday night, my husband found me in tears. I'd worked for hours putting together a full proof plan that would put me back at my lowest weight by the end of fall and just a week into it, I'd failed. I was so hungry and so overwhelmed that I couldn't handle it. It was too complicated! How in the world did I manage to get as far as I did two years ago?? It seemed impossible.

So he sat me down and said to me, forget numbers...forget the complex solutions you came up with. He said if I was going to make myself miserable, just to make myself thin, then he'd rather see me fail and be happy. He said that it wasn't worth it, that I was beautiful no matter what weight I was. He also said that the only reason he was supporting me in my weight loss was to see me happy. He said that I was so full of life when I felt good about myself. And he was right. So he asked me, "What would you WANT to eat on a daily basis?". It wasn't a question that I'd ever asked myself...so I actually had to think about it. Here's the basic menu that I gave him:

Breakfast - Yogurt and fruit with coffee
Snack - baby carrots
Lunch - Sandwich with fruit, chips, and a cookie.
Snack - more baby carrots (I love those little suckers!)
Dinner - Chicken with roasted veggies and couscous.

So he said that it looked like a balanced menu to him...why didn't I think it would work. And I started to tell him that I can't have chips because they're fried and that I couldn't have couscous in the evening because it's past and I can't eat pasta after 2pm, etc. Then, he dared me to put what I'd just listed down into my calorie counter.

It was just over 1200 cals. I couldn't believe it. I was over in my protein, but that's perfectly ok and I was UNDER my carbs. I was floored! You mean, I can eat like a normal person, stop over thinking EVERYTHING, and enjoy losing weight?? That's just crazy!

Today is the start of my normal, low stress eating style and I'm beyond thrilled. Wish me luck guys!