(WARNING TMI) Have you felt like this?

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ninjakitty419
ninjakitty419 Posts: 349 Member
in Motivation and Support
I have had issues with being intimate with my husband because I feel so self conscious about how I look. Besides me being too hard on myself, he does things like jiggle my belly and smack my butt and tells me "there is just so much to smack" and things like that. I have formed a mental block to where I cant even enjoy kissing because I am afraid it will lead to sex and I just dont want it too. I have told him more than once that I feel like he is "taking one for the team" by even trying to be intimate with me.

I was kind of starting to get over this, but then yesterday I accidently happened to glance at the mirror in our bedroom and SAW and I was just disgusted. It was like a bad comedy movie scene...big fat girl riding a tiny guy. I can't get that image out of my head and I feel like I dont even want to do anything again until Im skinny which is a LONG time to make him wait!

I am ABSOLUETLY NOT looking for people to say "Oh dont worry you are beautiful and he loves you" and blah blah blah. Those are kind words, and meant for encouragement. I get it. But what I REALLY want to know is if there are others who have felt that their weight/size has been a hinderance to a healthy romantic relationship with your significant other.
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Replies

  • rowanwood
    rowanwood Posts: 510 Member
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    I think that's a common problem for women, especially when we see what the porno women look like.


    What helps me is remembering that the woman in his bed is always hotter than the picture, because she's THERE, she's touching him. That's what he wants...to be touched, not to think about it. Remember, men are different than women. If they didn't like it, they wouldn't hit it.
  • andiroot
    andiroot Posts: 43
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    you just need to remember that if he wasn't attracted to you and didn't want to be with you, he wouldn't.
  • ingeh
    ingeh Posts: 513 Member
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    I get it too. Im a uk size 12/us 8 but feel huge sometimes after 2 kids in 18 months. My tummy is a little jiggly still but its going down. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and think I look fine (usually after a shower so I feel fresh and happy. But other times I think yuk why would he like this?
    But hes with you for you and if he didnt like it he would say.
  • MrsSausage58
    MrsSausage58 Posts: 143 Member
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    you just need to remember that if he wasn't attracted to you and didn't want to be with you, he wouldn't.

    This.
  • vetsnatural
    vetsnatural Posts: 186 Member
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    I get it and I am not married so it seems even harder when the person is not committed legally...LMAO. My BF rubs on my love handles and loves my big booty but would like my waist to be trimmer. I don't care what he wants but I want it all gone. Love handles and waist to be trimmer. I don't need a 6 pack but I want my Serena Williams body back or at least an older version of her body. I used to have it... I am now 46 but I know I can at least get leaner. The better I feel about myself the sexier I will feel and want to share myself with my BF.
  • GamerLady
    GamerLady Posts: 359 Member
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    Like others have said, if he didn't want to be intimate with you he wouldn't. Seems like he loves you and is happy to be intimate with you from what you said. I can understand your feelings though, that's just women, we critique ourselves so much.
  • kr1stadee
    kr1stadee Posts: 1,774 Member
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    Yes, I feel like that still.

    But, I'd be kicking his *kitten* if he jiggled my belly or smacked my *kitten* making those kinds of comments. Don't beat around the bush, tell him it hurts and makes you feel awful when he does that. If he doesn't get it, tell him again.
  • psykins
    psykins Posts: 76
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    Yes.

    He has always been big, but over the 5 years of our relationship I guess I've been eating up to him, and now I'm almost 60lb heavier than when we first started dating. It's embarassing for me to even think about sex. I know he doesn't lie to me, but I just can't believe him when he says I'm beautiful. I think my face is kind of pretty, but my body...ugh. So, I feel you.
  • HannahJDiaz25
    HannahJDiaz25 Posts: 329 Member
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    I have learned that when I question my husbands attraction to me I insult him. He HATES it when I say negative things about myself. Sexy is an attitude. You see big and small girls that have it and you see their counterparts that don't. Small does not equal sexy. Confidence does equal sexy. If you are confident in the bedroom he will love every curve! (It sounds like you need to learn to love your body... most women don't know how to do this anymore.)
  • freemystery
    freemystery Posts: 184 Member
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    I don't think the issue is anything to do with him. It sounds like you're saying that YOU wouldn't do you. Is it just physical appearance or is it something that's eating away at your self esteem...

    I'm coming from the same place right now, every now and then I catch myself in the mirror with these weird stumpy legs all out of propotion, spilling out of the tops of my jeans or whatever it is.

    You're making steps in the right direction so good for you for addressing it instead of just getting down about it. I guess the next thing is deciding how you'll get from what you have to what you want because it IS possible. You've just got to want it enough. And then you can start to see yourself as attractively as your husband obviously does.
  • Iron_Lotus
    Iron_Lotus Posts: 2,295 Member
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    Yes I have felt this way and am still not 100% comfortable, but I am much happier and more free now. I feel good about the choices I make on a daily basis and feel very sexy because of weight training and it shows in my confidence level, that is what is driving my husband nuts :)
  • jjay23
    jjay23 Posts: 160 Member
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    we all feel it I think at some point, For me I never listened my partner has always said he loved the way I looked and I just decided he was being kind, I would sometimes go into the bathroom and hide so that I didnt have to face it, it all improves in confidence and start listening to him. everyone likes a different kind of person, some partners like to FEED their partners and some like a little bit to hug, some like skin and bones, some are into boobs, some bums, some legs, some toes (gross) try to just enjoy it and not dread it..... think of the calories you can burn with all that moving about x
  • Mrsshellers
    Mrsshellers Posts: 157 Member
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    I have learned that when I question my husbands attraction to me I insult him. He HATES it when I say negative things about myself. Sexy is an attitude. You see big and small girls that have it and you see their counterparts that don't. Small does not equal sexy. Confidence does equal sexy. If you are confident in the bedroom he will love every curve! (It sounds like you need to learn to love your body... most women don't know how to do this anymore.)

    Exactly.
  • MooMooooo
    MooMooooo Posts: 306 Member
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    All women feel this way from time to time. Society puts big pressures on all of us - and then, in turn, we beat ourselves up.

    Imagine if on TV and on the billboards we saw everyday there were endless images of what you described seeing in the mirror the other night and it was societies ideal woman? You'd feel GREAT!

    You need lots of compliments! Trust me they cure all insecurities.

    Tell your man to get started, and if he won't, think about moving on.
  • GurleyGirl524
    GurleyGirl524 Posts: 578 Member
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    I felt that way a lot, and still feel that way often. I have recently done a ladies study about insecurities where we discussed this very thing. Look at him, at his body. Is it perfect? Chances are that it is not. It is very possible that he has the same insecurites about his own body that you do about your own. Women tend to let those insecurities get the best of us though. If he does not have a perfect physique, you are still attracted to him when you see him. I am sure he feels the same way about you. It's just that men are generally oblivious to our feelings about ourselves. They think just because they can dish it out we can take it. You need to tell him that his comments make you feel as though he is not attracted to you and how would he feel if the tables were turned. Would he take a pinching of of his love handles in good fun, probably not.
  • saxmaniac
    saxmaniac Posts: 1,133 Member
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    I think that's a common problem for women, especially when we see what the porno women look like.

    Oh bull, porno guys have gigantic schlongs. Men usually don't sit and cry at their weiner size, and are afraid to have sex with a willing woman. If he did, I'd say his head is messed up and go to therapy now.

    So don't blame porn. (We watch porn together. It's fun!)

    OP, you have some serious body-image issues that you should work to overcome, probably with some CBT. They run deeper than just your weight. You can call your husband a jerk all you want, but it won't fix anything. There is a strong chance that your mental state is interpreting everything he does as extremely negative.

    I assure you plenty of fat, jiggly, people have awesome sex (and if you watched enough good porn you'd know that). Surely, he doesn't see you the way you see yourself. If left untreated, it can mess with your marriage. Do something before it gets worse.
  • kitka82
    kitka82 Posts: 350 Member
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    I feel exactly like this! We have a huge mirror next to our bed. My husband likes to jiggle my tummy, and I always tell him not too. I catch a glimpse of my cellulite-y thighs and I am too through! Here's what I do to feel better:

    1) Focus on what YOU like about your body. I have a nice rack and a big juicy bottom lol. I play those up with sexy LINGERIE. Lingerie makes me feel like a goddess, no matter how I'm feeling about my body.
    2) Sometimes I will pose in front of the mirror and take a sexy pic at a flattering angle. ;) See #1.
    3) Instead of looking in the mirror, look at hubby's face, or close my eyes and focus on the feeling. Light some candles. Lighting is everything, sometimes.

    These things help to keep me in the mood lol. Hope it helps you.
  • TeachTheGirl
    TeachTheGirl Posts: 2,091 Member
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    Your words resonate with me, and it makes me sad. For all of us that feel this way.

    My husband genuinely says things that he thinks are compliments but that I'll regularly turn into some kind of insult. Like how he loves my 'squishy bits'. I don't want squishy bits, I want to be firm and sexy! But he honestly likes my softer areas, like my hips and butt, and that's not fair on him.

    It's really difficult to get into a positive mindset about the things we hate...
  • toaster6
    toaster6 Posts: 703 Member
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    Been there. I used to always make my boyfriend turn off the lights. I still get self conscience sometimes but I think you'll eventually feel better about yourself. Honestly, fake confidence long enough and you'll start feeling it-- it's what I did.
  • saxmaniac
    saxmaniac Posts: 1,133 Member
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    Imagine if on TV and on the billboards we saw everyday there were endless images of what you described seeing in the mirror the other night and it was societies ideal woman? You'd feel GREAT!

    You need lots of compliments! Trust me they cure all insecurities.
    Tell your man to get started, and if he won't, think about moving on.

    Sorry, but I think you have it completely wrong and backwards.

    If your self-confidence doesn't come from within, then it's built on a house of cards.

    Compliments are icing on the cake of self-worth.

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